


Every Cloud

by sherlockinasgard



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural) Needs Help, Castiel Has Nightmares, Castiel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues, Castiel Has Social Anxiety, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel has Anxiety, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Charlie Lives, Christmas, Dean needs a drink, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, F/M, First Kiss, Good Parent Mary Winchester, Happy Ending, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mary Winchester Feels, Minor Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, POV Castiel, POV Dean, Plot, Resurrected Mary Winchester, Sad Castiel, Shy Castiel, Shyness, Sick Castiel, Smut, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, cuteness, i hurt cas a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-11-30 01:41:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 107,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11453355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockinasgard/pseuds/sherlockinasgard
Summary: Castiel goes through something nobody wants to go through. But he does. It seems not even he, an angel, can completely glue himself back together on his own. Cas is still adjusting to human functions and luckily Dean is there to help. Unspoken feelings become known, but maybe acting on them isn't the best idea.





	1. The Usual

**DEAN’S POV**

I shuffle out of the motel bathroom, sluggishly running a towel through my wet hair. Sam found a case a couple of days ago about some kind of hard core witch that keeps attacking people. It’s not Rowena though, thankfully. We probably wouldn’t have decided to check this case out if it involved the demon red head family.

The case is in Indiana and at the minute we’re in Michigan so it shouldn’t take too long to get there. If we get going soon, we should make it for around twelve.

Sam is sat in one of the old wooden chairs on his laptop, occasionally sipping at some kind of healthy-ass protein shake. “Sam, what the hell is that?”

“Hmm?” He grunts, looking up at me as I point to his drink before going over to my bed to pack my stuff.

“What is that? It looks like something a ghoul would drink! Why is it so _green??”_

“It’s spinach, Dean. It’s actually not that bad.” He replies, looking slightly offended as he closes his laptop.

“As long as I can carry on with the pie, I’m happy.” I decide, shoving yesterday’s shirt into my duffel bag.

Sam laughs at this, muttering something along the lines of “you and your pie.”

We pack the rest of our things and check the room over just in case we left a knife or something. Don’t want to accidentally freak any cleaners.

I follow Sammy down the steps towards the Impala. She’s looking as beautiful as ever. No scratches or faults in the paint or anything. Perfect as pie.

It’s looking like it’s going to be a nice day actually. At least it’ll make the case easier to work with. Sam’s hair won’t get in his face.

I smile without shame at my own thoughts before hopping into the driver’s seat of Baby. Sam slips into the passenger seat and I start the engine before pulling out of the parking lot. It’s still quite early so we should have a good drive through.

Shoving a cassette into the player, we drive down the highway listening to You Shook Me All Night Long by the one and only ACDC.

**3 Hours Later**

I glance over at Sam who is sleeping in his seat, face pressed right against the window. He didn’t get much sleep last night because he was doing research on the case. He didn’t find much info though so it was kind of pointless.

I can see his face in the wing mirror on his side and smirk as I take my phone out of my pocket and lean over him, (occasionally glancing at the road because crashing the car would be a bit not good) taking a snapshot of this moment. His face looks like a marshmallow that has been put in the microwave for a couple of seconds.

I search through the contacts of my phone and send the picture to Cas, captioning  it with ‘Sleeping Beauty’.

Once the message is sent, I focus on the road again and turn a corner. However, I briefly swerve onto the other side of the road when a deep voice sounds from the back of the car, “hello Dean.”

I place my hand against my chest, “oh my- Cas! Don’t do that! How many times…” I breathe, recovering from the fright that some random _thing_ had managed to get into the back seats during the night.

“Oh yeah, sorry. I forgot that you don’t like surprise appearance - especially when you’re driving. What was that photograph you sent me anyway? When I first looked at it I thought it was of some kind of deflated latex balloon-“

I throw my head back, laughing loudly which makes Sam jolt upwards in confusion, “wh-what?” he mumbles, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes quickly, “what happened?”

“Dean took a ph-“ Cas starts but I cut him off.

“Nothing!”

Sam eyes me suspiciously but lets it go and turns backwards, “hey Castiel.”

“Hello there Sam.”

Once I calm down from my amusement, I sigh contently.

“Cas, how did you find us?” I ask finally after a few moments of silence.

“There was a road sign in the picture you sent me of Sam-“

“I knew it! I knew you were up to something, Dean! Real mature, dude. Real mature.” Sam exclaims, giving me his signature bitch face.

I chuckle again before turning onto another highway, “Cas, what are you doing here anyway, you didn’t _have_ to come.”

“Well, I don’t have much to do at the minute so I thought I’d come see what you two were doing.”

“We’re on our way to Indiana for a case. Some kind of witch on a rampage. You wanna join us?”

“I don’t see why not, I suppose.”

We haven’t seen Cas for ages; as far as we know he’s been dealing with angel stuff in heaven. We’ve worked quite a few cases in the meantime though. A couple of shape shifters, couple of vamps, couple of werewolves, just the usual to be honest.

“Awesome. I’m hungry, anyone else?”

Sam makes a noise of agreement so I pull over into a parking lot. There are food places everywhere so we just pick one and stroll in before sitting down in a booth and studying the menus.

I am very pleased because they sell bacon burgers, and Sam is equally happy because they sell some kind of salad with chicken in it.

“Hey Cas, they sell PB&J sandwiches. Do you not want some?” I ask, noticing the angel didn’t pick up a menu. He managed to find this spell a while back to make him be able to like, actually taste the food instead of the molecules or something.

The angel looks like he contemplates it, but then replies with “I don’t feel like food at the minute” he admits glancing out of the window.

A very pretty waitress strolls over and smiles warmly at me and Sammy, who just smiles kindly and tells her what he was ordering. I smile at her flirtatiously as I place my own order but she has her eyes on a certain angel in a trench coat.

“Is there anything I can get _you_ , sir?” She says, winking at Cas and I actually have to try extremely hard not to laugh at the confused look on Cas’ face when she winks at him. “ _Anything.”_

“Why are you winking at me?” He asks and Sam speaks up immediately.

“He’s good! That’s all thank you.”

The waitress walks away, slightly embarrassed, and I get Cas’ attention. “Buddy, you’re not supposed to say that.” I laugh.

“She was being unprofessional.”

“If that’s your logic, Cas, then you’re never going to get laid.” I chuckle.

“Well, if any people I ‘lay’” he says, making quote marks with his fingers, “turn out to be like April, I’d rather not go through the trouble.”

“She’s a waitress though, dude.” Sam laughs and Cas does actually crack a small smile.

“How much longer we got on the road, Sam?” I ask, smiling at the waitress as she quickly places our orders on the table and clears off.

“Uh, about an hour and a half.”

I nod and take a bite of my burger.

“How about I go and check out the crime scene, and meet you guys when you get there?” Cas asks, looking like he really wanted to help.

“Yeah, that’d be great, thanks buddy.” I reply, and with a couple of glances around to see if anyone is watching, the angle disappears with a quiet flutter of wings.

Once he is gone, I turn to Sam, “he needs flirting training” and we laugh a lot before eating the rest of our food.

 

***

**Indiana 12:30pm**

I follow Sam under the police tape spread out around a courtyard. Cas is speaking to someone in the distance, and I begin to walk over to him but we are stopped by who must be the police officer leading the investigation.

“And who are you?” She says, putting her hands on her hips.

“Agent Collins and this is my partner, Agent Gabriel. FBI.” I reply with ease as me and my brother flash our badges. With these suits we really do look the biz.

“Alright gentlemen. We’re clearing up in half an hour but everything is being taken to the morgue. You can check things out there too if you like. One of your guys is already here so I’m sure he’ll fill you in.”

“Thank you, Officer Stevenson.” Sam says and we make our way over to where Cas just finished chatting with another officer. The three of us separate ourselves from the other people so they can’t overhear our conversation.

“So, Cas, what’s the deal?” I ask, glancing back at the body of a man lying down on the floor. There is a stab wound to abdomen but there are also faint burn marks across his chest in the shape of a skeleton.

“This is a lot worse than we anticipated. I don’t think that the victim was himself. When I got closer I could smell sulphur. I can’t find any hex bags anywhere so that mainly rules the theory of a witch out.”

“You think that guy down there was a demon?” Sam asks.

Cas nods, “also, think about the demon knife you two have. When you stab a demon, its skeletal structure flashes orange as it dies. Burn marks aren’t usually left, so this must be a more powerful knife. It’s the only reason I can think of.”

“Wow Cas, you’re really coming on.” I laugh and shake my head, “how’d you get in anyway?”

“I uh-“ He mumbles, reaching into his jacket pocket and handing me an FBI badge, “I found the old badge I used last time.”

“Well, Eddie Moscone, nice job.” I decide, looking down at Cas’ badge. I hand it back to him before going back over to the body. It’s always nice having Cas on a case. From what I can see, he was right. There are streaks of burn marks across the guy’s chest that look like ribs. Although, if this is a demon knife, the victims don’t matter. What matters is who _owns it._

“Why are the FBI interested in this anyway, agent?” I hear above and I look up at Officer Stevenson.

“I’m afraid I’m not at the liberty to say, but just know that we should investigate anything that relates to suspicious activity.” For a liar, I must admit, I’m pretty damn good.

“Of course. I’ll see you at the morgue?” She asks.

“Of course, yes.”

***

**10:15pm**

We decide to check into the motel because it was getting late. Since Cas got his wings back, he doesn’t need his car or anywhere to stay, but he insisted he wanted to stay here with us. I can’t help but think something is wrong, but Cas is Cas. He’s always got something on his mind.

We went to the morgue, but apparently there were complications in the analysis so they had to start again. We’re going tomorrow instead.

“Sam, you got anything?” I ask through a mouthful of cheeseburger that we bought on the way here. Not the best, not the worst.

“No, nothing. I didn’t really expect to find anything anyway, I mean, nothing is here about the dagger _we_ have, let alone the one that we’re researching about.”

Huffing, I stand up from my bed and toss the burger wrappings into the trashcan. With a quick glance at where Cas is sitting, I see that he is no longer there.

“Cas?” I say loudly, finding I said it too soon. The guy is standing in between me and Sammy holding up one of my brother’s granola bars to eye level, the top of the bar unwrapped.

“I can’t comprehend why all of these chemicals are needed in a carbohydrate bar. The oats themselves are really quite alright on their own.” The angel claims, taking a small bite from the part that is unwrapped.

Sam stands up from the table and approaches Cas, “Castiel, I thought you didn’t like those?”

“I thought I didn’t, but this bar looked very appealing from the moment I saw it.”

I snicker louder than expected, and both of them look at me with questioning looks.

“What? It’s just, he seems to be better flirting with food than waitresses.” I laugh again and Sam shakes his head at me.

“Whatever Dean.” He turns back to Cas and frowns as the angel takes another, larger bite of the bar. “Cas are you feeling ok?”

“Yes I’m fine.”

“Are you sure, because-“

“God, Sam, he’s fine, he said it himself.” I decide, yawning.

I only get a quick view of my brother’s classic bitchface before I shut myself in the small bathroom to get ready for bed.

***

**7:30am**

There is something heavy pressing on my shoulder, pushing my left side deeper into the bed. It takes me a while to hear the person’s voice, but I eventually notice it’s Sam waking me up.

“Jus’ five more minutes.” I grumble into the pillow sleepily.

Apparently Sam didn’t like that idea because I began shivering after he tugged my covers right off the bed.

“What the hell, dude?!” I gasp, sitting up and glaring at my brother.

“The morgue opens at 8am. We need to get there early if we want to get anything done today! I’ve already showered, the bathroom’s all yours. I’m gonna go and check if Castiel is in his room.”

Sam unlocks our door and leaves me to sulk on my own, refusing to let myself recognise he has a point.

After grabbing some quick breakfast and coffees, the three of us make our way to the morgue. According to Sam, Cas was as asleep as I was, slouched in a chair with a nature channel still playing on the TV. If I wasn’t so tired myself, I would have been a little worried about the angel. However, he’s slept before. Well, sort of. He can make his vessel sleep while he is very much awake inside. It’s kinda weird actually.

“Agents!” Officer Stevenson greets when we stroll through the doors of the morgue. We greet her before the four of us enter the room with the vic.

“Now,” the officer starts, gesturing to the body, “there is obviously the evidence of the stab wound you saw yesterday along with the burns, but we found that this guy’s insides, they were completely obliterated. They’re practically mushed together, so whoever did this went to pretty drastic measures to make him suffer.”

“Uh, officer, can you give us a minute?” I ask politely, thankful I only had a light breakfast.

She nods and walks out of the room silently.

“What the hell? Is the weapon that did this like the demon knife’s hybrid weird uncle?” I ask, looking at Sam then Cas.

“I have no idea, maybe-“

“Yes.” Cas interrupts Sam, stalking over to the body.

“What? What is it Cas?” Sam says, following the angel over to the body.

“It’s has no real biological relations to your demon knife as Dean assumed, but I remember there being more knives similar to yours. They come in a set, and you have the weakest one. Obviously, the more advanced, the more damage it does to the demon’s vessel.”

“I like the sound of these knives.” I decide, thinking of what we could achieve with a full set of demon knives.

“Shall we go to a diner or something, I seem to be feeling…hunger,” Cas comments unsurely “I have no idea why I appear to be feeling human emotions.”

“We only had breakfast an hour ago. You’re not supposed to be hungry at all, this can’t be a good thing.” Sam says.

“Yeah, I’m not so sure this is a positive, Cas. How’s your grace?”

“The small amount I got back from Metatron is fully intact. Maybe there are sigils concerning our case nearby. That would explain the fluctuations in my angelic powers.”

“Well, okay. Maybe we could go to the diner then check out the crime scene again. See if the killer left any clues.”

“Sounds good to me.” I reply to Sam, glancing at Cas to see he looks a little bit out of it.

Brushing it off, I lead the other two out of the morgue, making sure to wash my hands even though I didn’t touch anything.

**11am**

I watch Castiel pick at a BLT sandwich. Sam just ordered a smoothie while I just got a toasted beef burrito. Cas claimed he was hungry, but when you’re hungry, you don’t just tear pieces of lettuce off - you eat the whole damn thing.

I glance at Sam who is looking straight back at me. We have a silent conversation with our eyes before I realise we’ve been suspiciously quiet for too long. I know Sam is thinking the same as me about Cas; something weird is going on.

Clearing my throat, I turn to face Cas who is sitting on my right in the booth, “so, you got any idea where we can find the rest of these blades?”

The angel straightens in his seat and speaks to both me and Sammy, “No, I am in the dark about the location. However, if we find the person that killed that demon, they may have an idea where the others are.”

“Awesome.”

Cas looks back down at his food and frowns, tilting his head confusedly, “shouldn’t this be a BBLT?”

“What do you mean, Cas?” Sam asks, a small hint of amusement in his voice.

“Technically, it should be: bread, bacon, lettuce, tomato. If they’re going to be overly specific with the filling, why do they not include the bread?”

I smile and roll my eyes, noticing that the angel has now forgotten about his bread issue and is looking kind of…pained.

“Cas, you’re looking at that sandwich like it personally offended you.” I laugh it off, but I will make sure to ask Cas about what’s going on with him later.

“I don’t see how food can insult me in any way-“

“Do you want me to finish it for you?”

“Yes.”

“Ok.” I agree, reaching over and taking the sandwich from Cas’ plate. Thankfully he ate most of the lettuce so there’s less healthy stuff on it.

The moment the last chunk of bread reaches my mouth we stand up and take off. We’re still basically in the middle of the town so baby isn’t needed just yet.

We walk for a few minutes before getting to where the body was found. Most of the police equipment has been cleared away apart from some pedestrian barriers leaning against the wall of the library.

Castiel approaches the exact place where the body was found while me and Sam scour the perimeter.

It feels like we were searching forever, and to make it worse, nobody has anything to show for it. Regrouping, we discuss our minimal options here.

“So, there’s absolutely nothing?”

“Nope checked everywhere. You get anything Castiel?” Sam asks, taking one last glance over at the place where he was just looking as if he magically missed something obvious.

“Uh, nothing of use, no.” The angel replies. His voice is slightly quieter than usual, and I don’t fail to notice that his skin has paled slightly. “However, we could, uh, always find out where these sigils are that are weakening me.”

“I guess we could give it a shot. It’s probably a trap.”

“But that’s what makes it fun.” I reply to Sam and he shrugs, looking like he doesn’t _completely_ disagree with me.

“Ok, so, I know the sigils are close. Somewhere east which is that way. Maybe we shoul-“

Castiel’s stops his sentence abruptly. Actually, he stops moving altogether.

“Cas?” I grip his shoulder, shaking it a little. “Buddy, you in there?”

“I have to go.” He claims before disappearing too quickly for me and Sam to ask questions.

I let the hand that was gripping the angel’s shoulder fall to my side. “Maybe he heard something on angel radio?” Sam suggests.

“Yeah, maybe.” I say, surprised that there is flash of worry that hits me.


	2. We're Supposed To Be Brothers

**Castiel’s POV**

I heard an angel’s call for help and had to leave immediately. Ever since more of us started walking the earth, some of the angels decided to stay here all the time. There are still a lot of demons so doing some simple smiting is very useful to the hunters dotted across the United States. If I sense that my assistance is needed, I will do my best to supply it.

I follow the high-pitched frequencies of the angel in need before appearing in an abandoned park. There is nobody here except for a young boy who seems to be around five years old. He stares up at me in awe.

Where is the danger? Where is my sibling that needed help?

However, before I can process my thoughts too thoroughly, a couple of angels (I regret to not know of) appear in front of me. I feel slightly disorientated will all of the commotion and realise that I have been drawn right into the area where the sigils are strongest. I was wrong. They are not only weakening my powers, they are forcing an angelic sickness upon me.

“You need to come with us, brother Castiel.” One of them says harshly and pulls me forwards despite my struggles. I am becoming more and more confused and my vision is spinning as if I got caught in a tornado.

“Mickey, get back here!!” A voice sounds from the distance. My attempt to make sense of the situation proves to be useless because the angel gripping me transports us somewhere, but before I can see where, something hard and blunt hits my head and before I know it, the world is gone.

***

**Dean’s POV**

**9pm**

“Cas, wherever you are, we need answers, buddy. Please, just come speak to us and let us know you’re ok before you disappear for days again. Normally you _can_ hear me praying and choose not to come. Please. Just give us a few minutes.” I finish the prayer, and glance around the motel room expectantly, but the angel does not appear.

I sigh and look at Sam who shrugs, “maybe he’s just really busy.”

“No. Not this time. I think something’s wrong. He’s been acting so weird. Remember last night with the granola bar? And today when he got food and coffee for breakfast and then lunch? I noticed that during lunch he looked like something was troubling him, and also at the crime scene. His face was paler than heck. And then he just randomly takes off without saying much? No, it’s almost as if he’s, well…-“

“He’s turning human or he’s sick. Or both. I did notice he didn’t really seem with it.” Sam finishes my sentence and I nod unsurely.

“Yep. We need to find him. Now.”

“No, Dean. At least give it one night. Maybe Cas _is_ just busy, yeah?”

“Fine.” I agree, slipping off my suit jacket and toeing off my shoes.

After both of us are in bed, shattered from a long day, I turn off the light. It was more tiring because we found absolutely nothing at the crime scene. No footprints, no weird marks, nothing. Scooby Doo always did rise expectations.

I frown and turn away from Sam so I am facing the wall, closing my eyes and thinking of what to say.

_Cas, if you can hear me, get your ass back here for just five minutes. You left us hanging and we can’t spend too long on this case. We’re worried about you, man, so if you don’t show yourself by tomorrow, we’re coming to look for you._

I roll onto my back, not bothering to open my eyes because I know the angel will not be there. Sure, Cas is my best friend, but sometimes he is unbelievably incompetent.

 ***

**Castiel’s POV**

When I am first threatened with consciousness, I can’t quite will myself to open my eyes. The dull ache in my head is overpowering and I feel like I was just dipped in lava then liquid nitrogen. Even this sensation is new to me, despite the months I spent as a human, because it certainly feels like a human feeling.

My eyes bolt open at this thought, and I glance around quickly at my surroundings. I am in a small room with no windows. I then remember the angels that took me. I’m in some kind of abandoned office.

Every limb aches horribly when I try to move, resulting in a groan. This is not good. I shouldn’t feel like this.

My wrists are shackled to the ceiling, leaving me hanging limply. My feet are only barely touching the floor.

I attempt to bypass the ache in my head to access angel radio, but nothing comes. There are powerful forces pressing on me from all directions, which must mean my powers are still being weakened.

“…hello?” I say loud enough so anyone in close proximity to this room would be able to hear.

A male angel I also do not recognise appears after the door to the room is opened. He is glaring maliciously at me and I must admit, it makes me slightly uncomfortable.

I am in danger. I already have a few cuts, but luckily they aren’t severe.

“Castiel.” The angel takes a step forwards before closing the door behind him. I shiver at his presence as he takes another step forwards. He only has a regular knife though. It won’t even harm me, so why?

“What do you want?” I say firmly, “I thought I had a deal with heaven. If I stayed out, the angels were happy.”

“Not really, brother. Ever since Hannah died, some of us decided your punishment wasn’t enough.” He steps closer, flashing the knife for me to see.

“That knife can’t harm me. I still have some grace.”

“Are you so sure about that?” The angel snarls, pulling a metal chain out from under his jacket. “I’d like to test that theory.”

“What are talking abou-“ I yell in pain when the chain collides with my abdomen.

Scrunching my eyes, I force out the words “the sigils...you disabled my grace.”

“Of course I did. You're going to get sick too, you'll have days to live when I'm done with you.”

He swings the chain again and it hits me in the same place. This time, I supress my pain and look up at him.

“Who are you?” I snarl angrily through gritted teeth.

“Omandriel. Nice to meet you, _Castiel_.” He punctuates his sentence by pressing the knife in his other hand into my thigh. It sinks deep, missing the bone and going straight through to the other side causing me to inhale sharply. “How does it feel to be human again?”

I bring my good leg forward and kick Omandriel away. He stumbles backwards, but I there is nothing more I can do with both of my hands above my head. The angel just laughs and approaches me again.

“You’re a strong one, aren’t you? Is that what Dean Winchester sees in you? Meh, maybe. Either way, he’s just using you, you know. And when you become useless, he will send you away brother. They don’t care about you _one bit_.”

“Stop talking nonsense!” I shout in his face. He smiles at me and leans in close before whispering into my ear:

“You are in for a long night, Castiel. If I were you, I’d shut that big mouth of yours and do what _you_ are asked for once.”

“What would our father say if he knew we were torturing each other-“

The angel steps back and looks at me in disbelief, “dad doesn’t care, Castiel. He never did! Everyone else saw that, but not you, Castiel. He hates all of us which is why he created those earth mites. He hates me, he hates you, he hated Gabriel, he hated Uriel, Michael, Zachariah, even Hannah, shall I keep going? He’s ditched all of us for Amara-“

“He’ll be back-“

“He’s gone Castiel!” Omandriel shouts and swipes the knife across my shirt, “he’s never coming back!” My vessel’s skin is now exposed. I suppose this isn’t my vessel any more though; it’s me. I’m human.

“Ever!”  He finally finishes, making a dramatic ending with another large swipe across my chest. I glance down at the blood slowly running down my abdomen. A large bruise is forming where the chain hit.

“Look, I had no idea of what Metatron was intending to do. He took my grace, I fell with the rest of you!”

Omandriel’s jaw drops and he walks over to a metal table with many torturing instruments laid upon it. “You’re just not getting it, are you? _You’re still his accomplice!_ When the angels fell, many died. So many of our brothers and sisters didn’t even get vessels! They were blocked out of heaven and earth while you were stacking shelves. You’re so selfish, Castiel. You don’t deserve anything but pain for what you did to us.”

I shift uncomfortably in the chains when the angel picks up a needle from the table. He examines it for a while then puts it back down. I am only relieved for a couple of seconds though because he selects a fork-like instrument. It is a small rod with spikes on each end, and there is a circular belt attached to the rod.

I gasp and fidget in the chains at the sight of the rod, but resistance appears to be useless. I am trapped. There’s no way out of here. No way to defend myself.

Omandriel twiddles the instrument between his fingers before slipping the belt around my neck. The rod is jammed between my collar bones and my chin. The spikes are pressing into both of those areas leaving sharp, aching shooting pains in my flesh.

“The medieval humans truly had the best torture methods, I mean, look at you.”

“Stop this.” I growl through gritted teeth, trying to keep myself from tilting my head down. At least it’s enough to distract me from the cut on my chest. For now, I am able to keep it together.  I’ve had much worse injuries.

However, something I’m not so used to is this _horrible_ feeling of being warm and cool. My stomach is twisting and I am starting to think my head is full of feathers. It’s just so _blocked_. If I close my eyes and reopen them, it's as if I'm looking through water. It's a sort of moving, watery mix of colours. It takes a while to get rid of the water but it's almost tempting to let it stay. It'll block this horror.

“Let me hear your pleas, Castiel. Beg me to let you go.”

“Never.”

“Suit yourself.” Omandriel shrugs and slides to knife across my forearm. I can feel beads of sweat forming across my hairline from the pain and the effort of not dropping my head onto the spikes.

I wonder if he actually meant what he said about Dean. I’m not really a burden am I?

***

**Dean’s POV**

**8am**

I woke about an hour and a half ago. The situation with Cas is making me nervous as heck. I know Cas, he’s done this before, but he never acted weird before he disappeared for days. This time it’s different, I know it.

I pace restlessly around the room, wanting to get outside as soon as possible. Unfortunately my sasquatch of a brother is taking forever in the bathroom.

“Hurry up Sammy!” I shout against the door and get a reply something along the lines of _two minutes Dean! Jeez._

The problem with Cas being an angel, is that he could’ve gone _anywhere._ Like, _anywhere anywhere._

The dude just took off without saying anything which I’m slightly pissed about. I mean, does it hurt to just say where you’re going.

I shake my head and pocket my phone and car keys. Sam exits the bathroom and we get on the road.

“So, I was thinking we should go east. You remember when Castiel said that’s where the sigils were? I mean, he said they were close so if he _is_ there, we can probably get to him.”

“Yeah.” I say mindlessly, concentrating on the road and what Cas could be doing. What if he’s in danger?

When we get into town, Sam goes to the local grocery store to pick up a couple of bottles of water while I stroll back over to the area around the crime scene. I know there will be nothing here, but that thought doesn’t really cross my mind because of thoughts of Cas. Since he didn’t answer our prayers last night, he is the top priority. We _need_ to find him.

This is going to be a long day.

I approach a small breakfast van. It’s worth asking is it not?

“Uh, hey, buddy.” I call to the guy that is emptying the van’s waste. He looks up questioningly and waits for me to speak. “You haven’t happened to have seen a guy in like a, a beige trench coat have you? Dark, scruffy hair, about yay high? Kinda hot?” I ask, holding my hand up in an estimate of Castiel’s height. I just said hot, didn't I? Dammit.

“Uh, no, sorry. Although, someone was talking to us earlier about a guy with a similar description.”

“Really? Who?”

“Just some mom. It wasn’t that long ago- oh, hey, there she is!” He points across the street to a brown haired woman sitting on a bench with who I assume is her son.

“Thank you!” I shout while crossing the road and approaching her. “Hey!”

She turns around and looks at me, confused.

“Were you the one that asked that breakfast van about a guy in a trench coat?”

“Yes. My son won’t stop talking about him. Um, why do you want to know?”

“Me and my brother have been looking all morning. He’s my best friend and he…didn’t show up when he was supposed to.” I can’t exactly say he’s an angel, can I?

“You mean this guy? Eddie Moscone?” She holds up Castiel’s fake FBI ID card and a take it from her examining it closely.

“Yeah! Where did you find this?” I ask, brushing some of the mud off the leather casing.

“In the park a couple of blocks away. My son was the one who saw him, though.” She says.

I crouch down next the young boy and he looks at me with a sparkle in his eye, “What’s your name, little man?”

“Mickey.”

“Well, Mickey. Am I right that you saw this man? He’s kind of goofy looking with crazy hair.”

Mickey nods before standing up and flinging his arms around while explaining what he saw:  “I saw him. Like, he appeared out of nowhere then looked confused! Then these other two guys appeared and were like _you’re coming with us_ and then they got him and then there was like, a whoosh and they were gone and it was awesome!” The young boy recalls excitedly.

“And did the two men that took my friend say anything else?”

“Something about bricks. Oh, and something about brothers. One of the men took your friend while the other stayed behind on the phone for a bit.”

“Mickey, that’s enough. Stop fibbing.” The boy’s mother scolds.

“Nah, it’s ok. Gimme five buddy.” I say, holding my hand up and Mickey swings his small hand onto mine.

 After walking back to the car where Sam was waiting, we both slip inside.

“This is bad, Sam. Really bad.” I decide. “This random kid saw the whole thing. Cas appeared at this park and was taken by a couple of angels. One of the angels was on the phone, and apparently said something about ‘bricks’ and ‘brothers’.”

“Crap. Bricks? Really? That’s all we have to go on?”

“Yep. I know where he was taken though. Some kind of park a couple of blocks out, and guess which direction it’s in.”

“East?”

“East.”

“Let’s get going. We need to find Cas _now._ ”

***

**Castiel’s POV**

Tears prick the corners of my eyes as the knife slices through my skin once more. I cry out in pain, but it doesn’t even faze Omandriel. The fork is still sticking in my neck, and droplets of blood are collecting around my collar bones.

I have only been here for a few hours but it feels like weeks. Weeks and weeks.

This unbearable torture has been going on incessantly. Cut after cut, burn after burn, hit after hit.

“If you’re going to kill me, just kill me!” I choke out, trying to get a hold of myself.

“No way. That would be boring.”

“Dean, he’ll be looking for me. He will find you-“

“Dean Dean Dean! Stop banging on and on about Dean! Castiel, how many times: Dean doesn’t care! He never did, so stop whinging. He’s never going to come looking because he thinks you’re just attending to everyday business in heaven. You left with no explanation, and that always really _pisses_ him off. He's working on that case anyway, what a fool.”

"What?"

"You really think some random murderer has those knives? What about a rogue angel that will do anything to make you suffer?"

"You set us up? Those knives belong in heaven."

"Not anymore. One of our sisters is very keen on your harm and her well being. Dean can find her if he wants and get the knives, but you'll proably be dead by then."

I don’t know whether it’s the hopelessness of this situation, but those words sink in deeper that the knife. What if he’s right? What if Dean and Sam don’t care?

The fork under my chin is removed and my head drops immediately. I am trapped. I can’t escape. I am hopeless. Nobody is going to help me. I am a sick, injured angel. Nobody wants a sick, injured angel.

All of these human emotions overwhelm me and I start to panic. I can’t get out of here, there is no way out. My shirt is completely off and my skin is exposed. I can feel every burn, every cut, every bruise and every stab. The pain is phenomenal. I think I have a ‘fever’ too (as people call it). This hot and cold sensation has only worsened. The water keeps coming back to blur my vision.

The knife from before is still wedged right through my leg, and Omandriel occasionally twists it. He goes to do it again and I can actually hear my flesh being torn apart. Yelling out, more tears leak from my eyes and I start sobbing uncontrollably.

My head snaps up when I feel hands around my waist. Omandriel is digging his fingers into the flesh there and it stings when he runs his nails across my skin.

I breathe fast and lightly, discovering looking upwards so fast wasn’t the best idea.

With one huge jerk, I throw up onto the floor, already exhausted from having my hands shackled above my head. My stomach contracts again and again until it is empty, and I whimper in pain. It’s debateable that the sickness is worse that the knife.

“Oh stop moaning, Castiel. It’s not that bad.”

“Please. Stop this.” I mutter weakly, knowing the answer but trying anyway. Speaking grates my already raw throat.

“Uh, let me see. No.”

This is when I close my eyes and block out the room completely. I can do nothing but hope this will be over soon. I will bleed out most likely – I feel that faint ache under my skin already. Or maybe he’ll just stab me.

I am not able to zone out for long because Omandriel trails his fingers down to my belt before working at the buckle and then the button and zip. He tugs my pants down leaving me even more exposed. He moves behind me and I flinch away from him, but he just grabs my hips firmly and holds me still.

“Now, now, Cassie. You don’t want me to cut you again, do you?”

I cry out when he kicks my left thigh where the tip of the knife is, sending it flying out onto the floor in front of me. It clatters, speading blood across the carpet.

This helpless feeling is worse than the pain. The fact that I can’t expect anyone to come and help me scares me. Dean probably hates me. Sam probably hates me. Even if they didn’t, there would be no way to find me.

My brother chuckles.

Panic and alarm runs through my body in the little blood I have left, "Wh-what are you doing?!"

"Something you'll hate." Omandriel sneers.

I feel the urge to throw up again, however nothing but air comes up.

Finally, a tear rolls down my cheek. I’m so scared and weak and hopeless. This is all I am, all I ever was. “Please don’t do this. You’re my brother, you can’t do this.”

“You will never be my brother, Castiel. You’re just a foolish, worthless, lonely bag of nothing.” Omandriel decides. I shiver and cough, some of the water from eyes slipping into my mouth.

My legs have gone numb and my arms are weaker than twigs. I have no power of what happens to me. None.

Now I see that I have been reduced to nothing. Nothing matters anymore.

Not able to stop the inexplicable, I let tears fall down my cheeks and find myself too out of it to care what he is doing to me.

**Dean’s POV**

Me and Sam reach the park and run over to where some grass has been scuffed up.

“They were here. In this spot.” I decide, scouring the floor for any more clues.

Spotting something, I reach down to pick it up. It’s Cas’ cell phone but it’s completely smashed.

“Sam, I found Cas’ cell. S’ bollocked up though.”

“Dammit.”

We look around the area hurriedly for a little while before regrouping.

“Dean, what did that kid say he heard again?”

“Uh, bricks and brothers.”

“When I was researching the demon case, I was looking at all of the old, abandoned buildings in this town.”

“And?”

“ _And”_ Sam begins, “there’s one called ‘Brackley Brothers’. It’s an old corporate building that nobody uses anymore. There’s a good chance the angels took Cas there.”

I don’t hesitate at all and get into the Impala, slamming the door, jamming the keys into the slot and starting the ignition. Sam only just climbs inside in time before speed I off down the road, looking out for any old buildings. I know I saw an old corporate building that fits Sam’s description. We drove past it on the way in a couple of days ago.

“There!” Sam shouts out and I slam the breaks on. Luckily there aren’t any cops in sight because we’d be screwed for speeding and heck knows what else.

 **Castiel’s** **POV**

The angel pulls my clothes back up and presses a knife against my cheek. “Always wanted to do that to someone. It's nice to have power for once.” He mutters before pressing his horrible, betraying lips against my neck. He sucks hard and I can imagine that it made a small bruise.

My lip trembles and Omandriel pulls back, examining my face. “Oh, don’t be like that, Castiel. Besides, there’s more where that came from.” He murmurs.

“No. Please, I’m begging you, s-stop!” I cry out. What have I come down to?

“Never.” The angel smirks. My eyes become heavy and the angel tilts my head back up. “I have big plans for you. We're only just getting started.”

“N-no! Please, no! Please!” My voice cracks and breaks as I cry my words out.

Just as I am about to tell him to just kill me, a silver coloured knife sticks through his chest and with a blue flash of light, he falls to the floor, lifeless.

When he falls, Dean is revealed behind him and I stare in shock for a few seconds before all of this commotion fades. It's as if I'm floating somewhere, nowhere specific. It's like sitting inside a cloud, that is until it fades completely, and I am no longer aware of what is going on around my unconscious body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the whole brother/brother thing is kinda weird and against what angels would do but some angels are still fuming about what Cas did to heaven so they want to do something that would hurt him as emotionally as he hurt them.


	3. I've Got You

**Dean’s POV**

“Cas! Oh my fucking god. Cas, I’m here, everything’s gonna be okay.” I say desperately even though the angel fell unconscious after that dick of an angel died. “Sam, come and help me with these, we’ve gotta get him outta here!” I decide, working one of the shackles open as Sam does the same to the other.

We had to gank two angels already downstairs. The dick in here is the third one now.

Once both shackles are undone, Castiel’s limp body begins to fall to the floor, but I catch him just in time, not even noticing his blood that starts soaking into my shirt. As we run out of the room, I try not to notice the many injuries the angel has. His skin is discoloured and he is covered in blood. He’s obviously been there the whole time.

In that room, there were stains all over the floor, no doubt from Cas. Blood, urine, vomit, you name it. The room was also kind of musky, so I don’t want to imagine what that son of a bitch did to my angel. They’re supposed to be brothers, which just makes everything much weirder.

We get to the door and I hold Cas close to me as we near the car.

I toss Sam the keys to the Impala before climbing into the back of the car with Cas. I sit down on the seats horizontally and lay Cas down on his back on top of me. He’s still breathing which is the main thing.

I open the first aid kit and pull out anti-bacterial wipes and bandages to clear Cas up. He only has his dress pants on so it is easy enough to see where he needs cleaning up. I tear the packet with my teeth and pull the wipe out before slowly dragging it across the skin where blood has dried. He is covered in bruises and looks absolutely terrible. He’s _must_ be human.

I clean up a cut on Castiel’s forearm and wrap a bandage around it because blood was still seeping out slowly. I don’t even know where to go from here. There are a countless number of gashes and bruises. Something that catches my attention more though are the circular bruises along Castiel’s waistline. They look like finger marks. Shit.

I pull my hand up to Castiel’s head and brush some stray strands of sweaty hair out of the way before feeling his forehead. “Dammit Sam, he’s burning up. Fuck fuck fuck. This is my fault. Those angels weakened his grace before taking him and then they took it from him. I should’ve spoken to him, Sam. Dammit!”

Sam puts his foot down and drives faster.

“Cas I’m so sorry.” I mutter even though the angel can’t hear me.

I dab at another cut gently, examining the angel’s body further. There are burn marks across his skin, and his back is also covered in small injuries.

After tending to all of the cuts I can see, I move on to Castiel’s wrists. They are red and dented from where the metal was pressing into them. The skin is inflamed and sore, so I guess cream is the best option for those. I pull out the cream for his wrists and grab his left hand, rubbing the cream in with my other hand.

I am slightly startled when Castiel’s left hand grips back, but I look down and see two weary blue eyes staring up at me. His face is wet and tear streaked. “Hey. Hey buddy, it’s me.” I say as softly as I can manage.

He studies my face for a second before replying “Dean?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I’ve got you, everything’s gonna be ok.”

“…thought you hated me, thought you weren’t going t’ come.” Cas mutters.

“What?” I ask, even though I heard the angel perfectly clearly. Why would he think that?

However, I don’t get a reply because the he has closed his eyes again. I can see Sam frowning in confusion in the rear view mirror and I catch his eye, both of us shrugging at the same time.

Luckily, in the time it took to clear some of Castiel’s wounds up, we made it to the motel.

Sam opens his door and steps out quickly before opening my door and helping me out while I support Cas under his arm. He’s barely conscious, so he flops forwards and I have to reach for him quickly, “whoah whoah whoah.”

I look at Sam and he shakes his head, “we’re gonna have to carry him, there’s no way he can walk.” I nod and let Sam scoop Cas up while I get our stuff from the back of the car.

I open the door to our room and Sam places Cas down on my bed gently (because I had time to make mine this morning and he didn’t).

“I think he’s got a fever, Sam. His forehead may as well be on fire.”

“Ok, so, uh. Bath tub? Cold water. Yeah, that should bring it down.”

“Ok, let’s do it.”

We both haul Castiel onto his feet and walk him into the bathroom, sitting him down on a small chair while we fill the tub up with water.

“He can’t get in here with his clothes still on. I think I saw another stab wound on his leg so we need to clear that up too.”

We watch the tub fill up with water until it is around half full. Sam looks at me and speaks “I think he would want you to undress him. You can do that right?”

“What, why?” I ask, feeling a blush forming at the back of my neck. Ok, fine, I guess I kind of like Cas a bit. A lot.

“Because Cas trusts you the most, Dean. He needs you right now, and if he wakes up and there are two of us, it might freak him out.”

“Ok, fine.” I grunt lifting Cas up from the chair. Sam leaves the bathroom but doesn’t close the door completely just in case he needs to come back in quickly to help.

I grip Castiel’s shoulder to keep him balanced and work on getting his dress pants off. Once they slide down, more bruises and cuts are revealed including a nasty stab wound to his left leg. I notice the finger-shaped bruise marks are on the other side of Cas’ waist as well. “Oh buddy, what happened to you.” I whisper, sitting him back down on the seat so I can get his pants fully off.

Once everything but his boxers are off, I hesitate slightly as I go to pull them down.

_No Dean. This isn’t the time to be feeling awkward, Cas needs your help._

I tell myself those words and hate myself for hesitating.

Pulling his boxers down and slipping them off altogether, I lift Cas up one last time before easing him into the tub and lowering him in slowly. He must be really out of it, the guy didn’t even flinch. This water's freezing.

“Ok. Ok.” I say more to myself once Castiel is settled in the cool water.

Grabbing a washcloth, I drape it over the angel’s forehead and run my hand through his damp hair. I wet my hand with the water and clean all of the blood out of his hair where the gash on his head was bleeding.

Next, I get another washcloth and wipe the angel’s body down. All of the blood comes off pretty easy and starts to stain the water red a little. Most of the cuts have started healing, but they’re all still raw and will probably still bleed if he moves around too much.

I continue running my hand through the angel’s dark hair, trying anything to soothe him if he is even slightly aware of what is going on right now.

There are two small marks on his collar bones, and then the same two marks underneath his chin. I can only imagine it was one of those torture instruments. I think I noticed them laid out on a table when I was rushing into the room.

Although, something that sticks out a lot now all the blood is gone, is a small bruise in the crook of Cas’ neck. It looks like a fucking hickey. Damn, why wasn’t I there sooner. I could’ve stopped this, stopped it all.

Why is it that when I do care, I care too much, and when I don’t care, bad things always _always_ happen. I know, ‘bad things’ are in the job description, but still. When Cas was human before I hated myself for kicking him out of the bunker. Heck, the guy was killed because of me. I hate seeing my friend like this. I mean, a grown, strong angel reduced to tears? That’s all kinds of messed up. And the thing that makes it worse is that it was his own brother that caused it.

Castiel begins shivering and I remove the washcloth from his forehead. He’s cooled down considerably so I decide it’s time to get him out.

Standing up from the chair that is next to the tub, I put my hands under Castiel’s arms and haul him up. Somehow I manage to get a towel around him before calling Sam for some help. The angel’s head tips in my direction and his wet hair brushes against my cheek. It’s almost comforting because it reminds me that he’s here now. We have him. He’s going to be okay.

Those few hours of stress-searching really got to me because I knew something bad was happening to Cas. It’s so terrible knowing your best friend is somewhere either dead or being tortured the life out of.

Sam cautiously enters the bathroom and takes hold of one side of Cas while I hold the other. We escort him back into the main room and lay him down on the bed so we can put dressings on his cuts, especially the one on his leg. It looks like the knife went straight through.

I grab the bandages and start wrapping up his arm and chest. I notice that while we were in the bathroom, Sam has picked out some comfy clothes he knows I won’t mind lending to Cas (because obviously Sam’s are way too big) along with some clean boxers and socks.

After grabbing another towel, I run it through Castiel’s hair a little to dry it off just so it’s not dripping wet.

During all of our bandaging, Cas mostly air-dried off so we set on getting him into the shirt first. It’s just a plain white one, and the pants are grey jogging bottoms with cuffs at the bottom.

Once the shirt is over Castiel’s head, both of us work an arm in and pull it the rest of the way down. Sam leaves me to do the boxers, obviously for the same reason as in the bathroom. I guess he _is_ right though; Cas would probably rather me do it. We have a more ‘profound bond’.

The angel is still shivering so we get the sweatpants and socks on quickly.

Throughout the whole process, Cas’ eyes did open and close a few times, so he’s sort of conscious, sort of not. At least he’s starting to come to a bit.

Sam starts packing up the first aid stuff while I help Castiel up under his arm and walk him around to the bed before lying him down and pulling the covers over him.

I sigh and sit down on the end of Sam’s bed, watching the angel sleep.

“He’s gonna be ok, Dean. He’s probably just gonna need some time.” Sam stands next to me.

“I think he got raped, Sam. By his own fucking brother. Can you believe that? Angels are supposed to be noble and supportive, not shit nuggets. I mean, we already knew they’re all a bunch of dicks, but this? This is too far.”

“Are you gonna sleep tonight?”

“Not really.” I reply, “I want to be there when he wakes up.”

“Okay. Well, we have that water I bought earlier, so if he does wake up, make him drink something. Also, considering the fact he’s really sick, it’s probably best he didn’t eat solid food.”

“Thanks Sam.” I mutter.

My brother yawns in response and makes for the bathroom to get ready for bed.

I switch my gaze to Castiel. He looks troubled. When I’ve seen him sleep before, angel or non-angel, he looked infinitely peaceful, but now, he looks like all of the problems of the world are threatening to crush him like a bug.

I walk over to the table and retrieve a chair, dragging it over and placing it next to the bed, all the while not taking my eyes off Cas. I have to be there for him now. He’s been there for me countless times, now it’s my turn.

Leaning forwards so my forearms are on the bed next to Cas, I rest my head on them. No matter what happens, this is going to be a long night.

I watch the slow rise and fall of Castiel’s chest. He’s stopped shivering a little now, although I still need to make sure he doesn’t get too warm.

When me and Sam were younger, if my brother got sick, I always sat up with him all night. Dad was always out so I had to take care of him. I actually read to him once, and it worked nicely because it helped him sleep so he was feeling better the next morning.

I smile at the memory and mutter a goodnight to Sam when he exits the bathroom and climbs into bed.

We turned all of the lights off apart from the small lamp across the room. When Cas wakes, he’s not going to want to be in pitch black. Obviously.

I sit for about an hour, slipping in and out of sleep because of everything that’s happened today. So much crap. I don’t even want to think about it.

Suddenly Castiel sits bolt upright in bed and glances around the room. He’s scared out of his mind.

Lifting my head up, I try and speak to the angel, “Cas?”

His head snaps in my direction and before I know it, he’s shuffling away from me across the bed, getting all tangled in the covers.

“Cas, it’s ok.” I say gently, but the angel keeps moving. I reach out my hand which totally freaks the guy out because he jumps back and falls off the bed with a thump. Dammit, I shouldn’t have done that.

Sam starts to stir and before long he is sitting up in bed.

I run around the bed to where Cas landed. He is pressed up against the wall, absolutely terrified. I can tell having his back to the wall is hurting him because he flinches away from it a little. There are burns and cuts on his back that are still barely healed and raw.

Holding my hands up where the angel can see them, I try speaking again. “Hey, it’s me. It’s Dean. I’m not gonna hurt you, buddy.” I try to keep my voice as soft as possible again.

Cas looks like he considers it but doesn’t really react to it, continuing to breathe heavily. I’ve never seen him so scared.

Seeing no other option, I get down onto the floor so I am at Castiel’s level and shuffle closer ever so slightly. “It’s me, Dean, okay? You’re safe now. You’re with me and Sam, We’re not gonna hurt you.”

I get a bit closer and now I am able to see the angel’s frantic eyes. Whatever happened, it really shook ‘m up.

“Hey. Hey, look at me.” I say gently, and thankfully Cas stops looking around everywhere and turns to me. “It’s Dean, buddy. It’s me. You’re safe.”

Castiel holds my gaze for a while, and I am glad to hear his breathing evening out.

I shuffle closer until we are in reaching distance. Castiel studies me for a while before reluctantly bringing his arm out towards me, as if trying to decide whether I’m real.

He gathers my shirt in his fist like a child and stays like that for a while before finally speaking, “…D-Dean.”

“Yeah, buddy.” I confirm, untangling Cas from the bedclothes a bit.

When I see the angel’s face, my heart snaps in two. There are tears brimming his eyes and he is shaking in an effort not to burst out crying.

“Oh, Cas.” I say pitifully and let the angel pull me closer. I wrap my arms around his shaking frame and he tightens his grip on my shirt with one hand, and hugs me back with the other. Cas just cries into my shoulder with violent sobs, soaking my shirt with tears, but I don’t mind one bit. I don’t think this crying is just about what recently happened, I think this has been building up for weeks. Cas always feels like he can’t talk to anyone, which I am determined to change.

I don’t know exactly why, but I run my fingers through the angel’s thick hair in an attempt to calm him down, and luckily it seems to be working. I can see Sam out of the corner of my eye looking at Cas sympathetically.

Castiel’s huge outburst of tears finally subsides to whimpering, and I stroke the angel’s hair again. “I know. I know. It’s ok.”

A small thought of this whole hugging thing being chick-flick crosses my mind, but I can’t even bring myself to care.

Cas lets me go and shrinks against the wall again, looking away from me. He seems a little embarrassed so I back off and grab a bottle of water from the bedside table before holding it out for him. “If you drink, you’ll feel a bit better. Here.” I say unscrewing the cap.

Castiel takes the bottle cautiously and sips at the water slowly, now pressing his back against the bed and his side against the wall, all the while still tangled in the sheets from the bed.

I stand up and make my way over to Sam before whispering “what do we do?”

“He needs time, Dean. But right now? Right now he needs rest.”

“Yeah, okay.” I agree, finding my way back around the bed and kneeling down. “Hey, Cas.”

The angel doesn’t tilt his head much, and looks at me through the corner of his eye.

“Why don’t we get you back into bed, huh?”

Castiel just presses himself against the wall and bed harder, clearly not trusting me again.

I sigh and crawl over, closing the distance between us. “Hey, I just wanna talk, ok?” Cas nods and I continue. “Whatever happened, I know it’s scared you. Me and Sam got you out as soon as we could and you’re safe now. We’re not going to do anything that you don’t want, but we need to help you recover. Those guys that took you are gone now, all of them. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

The angel relaxes slightly and I take that as getting somewhere.

“You comin’ up?” I ask, standing up and holding my hand out for him to take.

Thankfully, even though he is reluctant, Cas grabs hold of my hand and allows himself to be hauled up. I manage to walk him about a metre before the angel halts suddenly, holding an odd look on his face which I unfortunately know all too well.

“Sam, get the bin. Quick.”

“What?”

“I think he’s gonna puke. Sam, now!”

Sam lunges for the bin and holds it under Cas just in time. I place my hand flat on Cas’ chest to stop him leaning forwards too much.

“That’s it, let it out. It’s alright.” All he throws up is the water he drank, but he’s not really supporting himself any more. If I weren’t holding him under the arm he’d fall over.

Sam rubs Cas’ back until he finishes heaving. As the angel was leaning forward, I lean him back to rest on my shoulder, tilting his head up so he can breathe more easily. We stay like that for a few moments until we’re sure he’s done.

My brother takes the bin away to wash it out as I slowly urge Cas to start moving forwards again. It takes a little while, but before long he is back in the bed. He was already only half conscious when he finished vomiting so he just falls asleep immediately.

“Sam, can you just..uh...his leg might be bleeding again.” I say quickly as my brother returns and places the bin next to the bed.

I walk to the door and step outside, leaning against the wall while breathing in the cool night air. Letting my head roll back and hit the wall, I take a deep breath, thinking of my friend. My eyes close as I try to keep myself calm.

I hear the door open and feel Sam lean against the bit of wall next to me.

“I hate seeing him like that, Sammy.”

“I know. Me too. I’ve never seen him so, so afraid.”

“It’s my fault.”

Sam moves and I open my eyes to meet my brother’s gaze.

“No it isn’t Dean. This is just all a huge mess.”

“If I had have just _asked_ him. He could’ve talked to me, but he doesn’t because he knows I’d be a dick in some form or another. He tried to talk to me about something to do with angels a few weeks ago, but I’d drank too much and told him to save it. Sam, I told him to leave me alone. Cas hasn’t tried to speak much after that, so yeah, it _is_ my fault.”

“Dean, you’re not getting it. That’s in the past now. Now you know you should listen to him more. Yeah, maybe Cas might have told you he was feeling off if you didn’t brush off all of his symptoms, but nothing good will come from hating yourself and you of all people know that. You were awesome with him in there, and I’m sure he’s thankful for that.”

“It’s just, I’ve been treating him like crap and I hate that it took me this long to realise. I thought that because he was this big, fancy angel, he’d have no issues or feelings but apparently not. I can’t believe myself sometimes. I mean, he _cried_ , man. When was the last time you saw an angel _cry?_ ”

“It’s ok Dean. The best we can do now is help our friend. He’s safe now and we need to keep reminding him that. Kay?”

“Yeah.” Sam opens the door to go back inside. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

My brother nods and the door closes.

***

**Castiel’s POV**

**8:24am**

When I wake, I feel slightly disorientated, as if my body doesn’t know whether it’s up or down or anything.

I breathe in deeply and move a little. The searing pain in my leg brings tears to my eyes and my arms feel like they’ve been pulled in and out of their sockets repeatedly.

Grunting in pain, sit up achily. My stomach twists and I concentrate on trying not to throw up for quite a while.

I look down at myself and realise I’m sweating a lot. I’m too warm and realise I woke up because of this. Lifting my hands up, I look at them and see some scratches dotted along my skin. There is a bandage on my right forearm which I notice when I sneeze dryly.

The feverish feeling still sits strongly with me.

Something next to me moves and I freeze. Sneaking a glance at what it was, I see Dean looking up at me sleepily. He’s sitting in a chair next to the bed and was sleeping on his folded arms on top of the mattress.

“Hey Cas.” He says softly before reaching forwards to where my hand is. I pull away and look at him.

I don’t understand why I’m scared. I’m uncomfortable too, like, I just want to move away immediately.

I shuffle away slightly and Dean looks at me worriedly, now fully awake.

“Cas, do you remember last night?”

I try to think of what happened and remember being taken away, then that fork and the knife and Omandriel and everything.

I gasp and move further back.

“No, no, not that bit Cas. Remember when you woke up last night and I told you you’re safe? Well, you are, dude. Nothing’s going to happen to you.”

I think harder and some memories of last night flash across my mind. Dean, falling off the bed, Dean, throwing up, crying, _Dean_. My eyes dart around as I try to recover more information. I can remember Dean talking about how my brother is gone and about me being safe.

“Remember?” The hunter asks, leaning forward a bit.

I give a faint nod, and notice Sam now sitting on the other bed, watching. I’m with the Winchesters. It’s fine “…some of it.” I croak out and watch Dean as he smiles.

“So, you know nothing’s gonna hurt you anymore. You’re safe.”

I nod yes and shift uncomfortably again, not liking the sensation of being too warm at all.

“Oh man, you need some painkillers.” Dean decides, standing up and making his way over to a green bag.

Sam also stands up and stalks over to me. “Hey Cas.”

Dean returns and hands something to Sam which I don’t see. Dean comes closer and studies my face.

“You too warm?” He asks and I nod again, not being able to form many words. “Alright. We need to get you up.”

Dean reaches for me and I let him lift me up from under my arms. It aches, but I don’t say anything. Whatever they’re planning to do will be for the best, right?

“Uh, Cas,” Sam starts looking slightly apprehensive, “you remember the wound on your leg? It’s pretty deep, so I’m sure it’s really painful. We just want to give you a shot of painkiller around there to stop it hurting.”

I look down at my injured leg and realise I’m wearing Dean’s clothes. If the wound is deep, they must have put bandages on my leg, so if there’s bandages, there’s no way they can get painkiller anywhere near it while I have clothes on.

“Y- you want to undress me.”

“Just your pants, Cas, then you can have ‘em back. We need to just give you this shot and replace your bandages.”

I look between the brothers. They’re waiting for my answer. They don’t look like they want to do anything other than that.

“…okay.” I mutter quietly, pushing the thoughts of being exposed as far back as possible.

Dean nods and pulls my sweat pants down a little so the bandages are in full sight. They set me on the bed, lying down after agreeing it would be more comfortable. I manage to stay calm until Sam uncaps the needle.

“N-no, I-I don’t.” I panic and shift around uncomfortably, remembering Omandriel picking up a needle from the table last night.

“Cas, hey. Look at me.” Dean says, gripping my arm loosely while leaning over me to mostly block my view of Sam. “Don’t look at what Sam’s doing, just look at me. It’ll be over and you’ll feel better. It’s ok.”

I nod and keep staring into the hunter’s eyes, searching for any kind of lie but there is none. When I feel the needle pierce my skin, I ball some of the bed sheets up in my hand and grip onto them before finding Dean’s hand and gripping that instead.

“Nearly done.” The other hunter informs which is a relief since I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable with all of the crowding.

I let Dean’s hand go when Sam moves away, and they haul me up yet again to pull my sweat pants back up.

“All done.” Dean decides and looks me up and down. “Oh man, you’re sweating. Do you feel too warm and too cold at the same time, Cas?”

“Um-I…yes.”

“Ok, sit down.” Dean lowers me down before grabbing his duffel and pulling out another shirt.

“I’ve only worn it once for like, an hour, so it’ll do.” He claims, handing it to me. “Do you need help, or?”

“No, I-I don’t think so.”

“Dean.” Sam is standing by the door, fully dressed, with the car keys, “I’m gonna go out to the grocery store and pick up some ginger ale or something. Might help Cas keep his food down.”

“Yeah. Ok. Oh, and if they have pie, you know what to do.”

“Not buy any.”

“Hey, no way, bitch!”

“Jerk.” Sam replies, looking amused and shaking his head, “I’ll pick some up if they’ve got any.”

“Thank you.” Dean says sarcastically and Sam leaves the room.


	4. Caring is Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas needs to let himself be helped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I switch between Dean and Cas' POV a lot. Sorry if it's confusing :3

**Dean’s POV**

I watch my brother drive away out of the parking lot before closing the door and turning around, happy to find that Cas has changed his shirt and is sleeping quietly against the headboard.

I’m definitely gonna need a drink later.

Making my way over to the small couch at the other end of the room, I slump down and turn the TV on, turning down the volume so it doesn’t wake Cas up.

Some movie called Limitless comes on so I cosy up and watch until my eyes get heavy and I fall asleep.

I have no idea how long I was asleep, only that when I wake up Sam doesn’t appear to be back yet.

Shooting a glance over at where Cas was sleeping, I find the guy standing up, clinging on to the wall for support in an attempt to walk.

I stand immediately and walk around the bed until I am about a metre away from Cas “What are you doing?”

The angel stops trying to move and looks up at me helplessly “…the bathroom, I-I need-I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Oh man, you know I wouldn’t mind, right? If you need something, just tell me next time.”

Cas nods and I approach him with caution, not wanting to touch him if he doesn’t want me to. However, he seems to be waiting for me so I close the distance and lift his right arm up and pull it across my shoulders. After doing this, I decide to put my left arm across his back for extra support.

I walk him over to the bathroom and discover we have a bit of a problem. “Uh, Cas, can you stand on your own?” I ask letting go of the angel to test that theory. He’s stable for a couple of seconds before he begins to sway and I have to catch him. “Do you think you can like, go, or?” I ask, feeling slightly embarrassed for Cas. I mean, what, he can’t even pee on his own now? It’d take too long if he just sat down, too. We’d have to mess with his trousers and everything.

I look around the bathroom and notice that there is nothing to really hold on to that is close enough to the toilet.

“I, uhm. I-I don’t know.” the angel admits, flushing red and looking miserable.

“Look, Cas, I’ve been in a similar situation before. Sometimes me and Sam have to help each other out when we’re injured.” I say as reassuringly as possible, truly feeling bad for the angel. He’s used to being this powerful celestial, but right now he’s been reduced down to not even being able to go to the bathroom on his own.

“I-I guess.” He mutters, looking down at the floor.

“Don’t be ashamed, it’s fine Cas. Really.”

He nods and I realise the guy does actually need to pee, so I close the bathroom door to give him as much privacy as possible just in case Sam gets back and walks in or something.

After walking Cas over to the toilet I step behind him place my hands on either side of his waist to keep him steady while he does what he needs to do.

When he finishes, he sighs, obviously in relief. His head tilts back to rest on my shoulder for extra support while he tucks himself back in. His hair brushes against my cheek and I can’t help but notice that it smells like watermelon.

“You really needed to go, huh?” I laugh, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see the corners of his mouth twitch up slightly.

He reaches forwards and flushes the toilet before letting me help him to the sink to wash his hands.

Thankful that we got through that without any major awkwardness, I help Castiel out of the bathroom and get him back to bed. Also, as if on cue, Sam bursts through the door with like, three shopping bags.

“Girl.” I call at him and he rolls his eyes.

“I got pie. You’re welcome.”

“Thanks Sammy. What else you got, anyway?”

“Uh, I got some ginger ale for Cas, but I’m thinking we could dilute it with water so it’s not as strong and it lasts longer. I also got some nutrient shakes for him since he can’t really eat any solid food.”

“Nice one, Sam. Got beer?”

“Yup. Hey Cas.” Sam smiles, looking over at Cas who still seems to be recovering from his humiliation. The angel just nods to say hello before staring at the wall. “Is he ok?” Sam mutters quiet enough so that the angel can’t hear.

“Yeah. Think he’s just feeling a bit off.” I reply, not really feeling the need to tell Sam about the bathroom.

“Okay. You know, we can’t stay in this motel forever, Dean. We still have a case. I know Cas needs some help, and that’s fine, but the fact that there are _other_ demon blades? We really need to check this out.”

“Yeah I know. Doesn’t Jody live near here? We could always crash at her place for a while until we get some leads. I don’t think I want to go back to the bunker just yet. The change of scenery is nice.”

“I guess so. That is if she doesn’t mind.”

“She wonnnn’tttt.”

I take the ginger ale out the bag that Sam dumped on the table and go into the bathroom to find one of those plastic cups motels always give you. Unwrapping it, I fill the cup until it is about a quarter full of ginger ale and fill the rest with water.

After I leave the bathroom, I hand the cup to Cas who accepts it thankfully and takes a small sip. “Thank you.” He murmurs, looking up at me with gratitude in his eyes.

“Anytime, Cas.” I reply, patting him on the shoulder before going back over to help Sam sort out what he bought.

I find the pie and smile warmly at it. Cherry. My favourite. Maybe I can get Cas to eat some. If I was sick and there was one food I could eat? Yep, you know it. Pie.

“So, shall we set off tomorrow, then? I think Jody’s house is about 6 or 7 hours out.” I ask, briefly wondering whether we should give Cas some more time.

“I don’t see why not. We need to tell Castiel though.”

“Tell me what?” A voice comes from behind us and we find Cas looking at us, his head tilted and a confused expression on his face.

“Uh, we were thinking of leaving this place tomorrow and going somewhere a bit more comfortable, like Jody’s house or something. She’s a good friend. As long as you’re ok with that. We can stay here for longer if you want, though. It’s up to you, buddy.”

“I-I don’t mind really.” The angel says quietly before yawning and closing his eyes. He gets underneath the covers and snuggles up.

Me and Sam look at each other and shrug before continuing to sort the stuff out. Sam frowns and leans in close so Cas definitely can’t hear us, “you know, he might need to see a doctor.”

“Why?”

“Well, he told you he was raped didn’t he? It might have caused him problems that we don’t know about yet. Honestly, I think he needs a professional check-up this time, Dean. It could be serious.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

***

**11pm**

After being cooped up in this room all day, getting on the road tomorrow is something I am definitely excited for. Sam did a tonne more research on the other blades, and yet again found nothing, so we just watched movies for the rest of the day. Cas slept through it all, only slightly stirring when there were loud action scenes on, but overall it didn’t seem to bother him.

Sam just went to bed, leaving me up on my own. I contemplate trying to get into my pyjamas, but decide against it; I can just change in the morning.

Considering I basically have nowhere to sleep, I begin to get comfortable on the couch, but a small noise (aside from Sam’s loud snoring) catches my attention.

I frown and stand up, creeping over to the closest bed where Cas is supposedly sleeping. He’s on the other side so I have to crawl across a little to get closer to him.

I slowly place my hand on his shoulder, and the angel flinches hard. He stiffens underneath my touch so I turn him around so he is lying on his back. His eyes are watery and there are a few tear streaks along his face. He looks up at me with his bright blue eyes as I stare in shock.

“Cas, what’s wrong?” I whisper softly, urging the angel to sit up. He complies and lifts himself up before looking down at his hands and messing with his fingers.

He shakes his head to say ‘nothing’, but I watch another tear fall from his eye.

My hand is still on his shoulder, so I use it to pull the angel closer until I am able to enclose him in a hug.

My mind is screaming _chick flick chick flick chick flick_ at me, but just like last time, I don’t even care. _I don’t care._

I wrap my arms around my friend and he stiffens up at first, but soon melts into my arms and rests his head on my chest.

“Come on, tell me what’s wrong Cas.” I mutter, carding my fingers through his hair.

“…do-do you want me here?” He whispers it so he doesn’t wake Sam up.

I frown and run my free hand up and down the angel’s back steadily, “of course I do, Cas. I love having you around. Why would you think that?”

“My brother, he,” He pauses for a second and swallows thickly, “he said you didn’t care.”

“That’s never been true and it never will be. You mean a lot to me, okay? You were in a bad situation, and he was just saying that to make you feel worse. He doesn’t even know me and Sam does he, hmm?” I assure, feeling the urge to kiss the angel’s forehead for some reason.

Oh wait, I know what the reason is. I remember. I like him. It’s never gonna happen now though is it? The guy’s traumatized.

“He said I was worthless, and he’s right. All I can think about is the number of times I thought I was doing the right thing when I wasn’t. All of the bloodshed, it has been my fault. I am responsible for the angels falling, the murders, the loss, everything. I-“ Cas chokes back a sob and I grip him a little lighter, letting him speak, “I can’t get it out my head. Months. For _months_ I’ve been trying so hard to make things right and only later finding I was doing the opposite, I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t-“ The angel breaks down again just like the other night.

“That’s it, just let it all out. Is this something that’s been building up? It’s been bothering you for a while?” I ask and find a pair of watery blue eyes looking up at me.

“…yes. I-I don’t know what to do or how to cope. I don’t know what to do, I don’t-”

“Hey. Hey, Cas.” I say, trying to get the angel to look up at me again. “ _I’m going to help you through this_. Me and Sam want to help you heal. You’ve been brave, and don’t ever think you’re worthless. You’re like a brother to me and I would never want you to leave. I know you’ve tried to talk to me before and I pushed you away. I’m assuming this is what you wanted to talk about before and I’m sorry for telling you to go. But now, I’m here and I’m listening. I need you to tell me about this stuff, and if I’m _not_ listening, _make me_ listen, ok? I’ll never be mad at you for talking about how you feel. I need you to know that.”

“Thank you. For everything.” Castiel mutters quietly, beginning to shiver now he has stopped crying.

I pull the covers up over the both of us because I don’t think I’m going to be moving anytime soon.

“You don’t need to thank me Castiel. I’m happy you’re telling me, and I’m happy I can take care of you.” Cas snuggles closer to me and I continue running my hand through his hair. “You wanna talk about what happened?”

Cas nods faintly and takes a shaky breath. At least he’s calmed down a bit now. I can’t believe he’s been bottling all this stuff up for so long. I’m so glad he got that off his chest.

“I heard an angel’s call for help, that’s why I left you. When I got there, there was no angel in danger, just my brother, Omandriel, and his colleagues. There were sigils weakening my powers so I couldn’t do anything quick enough to defend myself. They knocked me out and transported me to those offices. I-uh-when I woke up, my hands were shackled above my head and I felt, I felt terrible. I think, because the sigils were so close, they gave me ‘angel sickness’. They’re not as strong here but if we don’t get far away, I’m not going to get better. He also ‘disabled’ my grace. I have no idea what that means, but at least they didn’t take it and I can probably get it back somehow.”

I squeeze his arm, urging him to continue.

“After he, uh, he said things about you and my father, he started, he-uh-he used a torture instrument. I could barely breathe, so I panicked and kicked him. He also hit me with a metal chain. I vomited and he cut me and-“ Cas pauses, scrunching up his eyes. These memories are clearly still raw and grating.

“You can stop if you want, Cas. You can tell me another time.”

“N-no, it’s ok, I want to… _need to_. Omandriel uhm, he wanted to torture me because of what happened in heaven and everything that happened with Metatron. What he did next, it, it hurt a lot. I tried to tell him to stop, but he didn’t. He, uh, the thing he did was-he-he…” Cas pauses, looking for the words.

“…did he rape you, Cas?” I ask gently, finishing his sentence because it seems like he is unable to.

“Y-yes.” The angel lets out a breath he probably didn’t know he was holding and tenses. “I didn’t consent, and he still did it. I-well-he touched me, too. It hurt _so much._ ”

“It’s gonna be alright. Omandriel and his guys are gone now. I’ve got you. You’re safe. Nothing like that is gonna happen _ever_ again, not on my watch.” I assure, holding Cas closer.

“I-I was powerless, Dean. I couldn’t do anything to help myself and my brother let me believe that you and Sam hated me. It hurt so much, and, well, I was losing hope. I was going to give up; tell him to kill me. I was trapped and exposed and helpless, it’s just, I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Cas. You have nothing to apologise for. Everything’s gonna be okay. I’m going to help you through this. You’ll be okay.” I say, annoyed at my vagueness. I’m so crap at words. Although, they seemed to suffice because the angel has closed his eyes and his jagged breathing has evened out. Only now am I just getting a glimpse at how broken Castiel is. He’s never shown any signs of being this _damaged._ He’s been feeling like this for months and we had no idea, but we know now that Cas has reached his breaking point. All these years of torture, sadness and war, and now finally Castiel can’t take any more. He needs me.

When I begin to move to refill Cas’ cup of ginger ale, the angel grips onto me tightly, keeping me in place. “N-no Dean, don’t go. I don’t-I-I want- stay with me?”

“You got it, buddy.” I decide, returning my hand to his hair and he snuggles closer, resting his head on my chest. I smile in content, and find my own eyes getting heavy.

I yawn and pull Cas even closer, happy that he told me everything, before falling into a deep sleep ready for a long day tomorrow.

***

After grabbing some quick breakfast, we get on the road. Last night we managed to get an emergency appointment at the local doctors. Cas wasn’t particularly keen on the idea but agreed to it anyway thankfully. I pull up outside the small-ish building before turning off the engine and walking around to Cas’ door to help him out. We can’t exactly check ‘Jimmy Novak’ in at a doctor’s office, so we use his FBI badge as I.D. They shouldn’t need to look him up on their records, but if they do, we’re a bit screwed. Also, obviously this check-up is going to cost us money, but that doesn’t matter. As long as Cas is ok.

Sam strolls through the automatic doors before us so he can let them know that _‘Eddie Moscone’_ is here. Me and Cas follow behind slowly because obviously I have to go steady with him and his leg and everything. I can tell he’s nervous and kind of on edge when he glances at a random man in the waiting area cautiously, and then at an older woman who smiles at us sympathetically. I smile back, but Cas just looks away, tightening his grip on my shoulder where he is hanging on to it. “You’re ok. You're ok.” I assure soothingly and rub his back.

Due to the dead silence in the room, we can hear what Sam is saying. Just the usual things like names and stuff, but he does make a good move when he politely requests for a female doctor. Clearly Cas wouldn’t feel as comfortable with a man after what happened. Especially if he’s getting everywhere checked out.

Sam returns with some leaflets he picked up at the front desk about coping with trauma and bad injuries. He hands them to me and I stuff them in my pocket while still trying to support Cas on his feet. We don’t have to wait for long though before a kind looking woman in her thirties steps out and calls for “Eddie Moscone?”

“Yep, that’s us.” I confirm, and we approach the woman. Cas seems to be dragging his feet more than usual. He _really_ does not want to do this.

“I’m Dr. Clarke and I’ll be helping you today Eddie.” Dr. Clarke smiles at Cas, and he gives a faint nod in return. He’s gone all shy or something. Not that I blame him. “Ok, follow me then.” It looks like we got a good doctor this time. She seems really nice, which is great for Cas. In the past, me and Sam have had monsters taking care of us. Even Jody’s had a couple of Leviathans.

“I think I’ll go sort the money out at the desk. See you when you guys get out, yeah?” Sam decides.

“Yeah okay. Thanks Sam.” My brother nods and disappears from view.

I help Cas down the corridor, closely following Dr. Clarke who is walking slightly slower for us so we don’t fall behind.

We reach her office, me and Cas only just squeezing through the door because of me helping him walk and everything. She pats the examination bed showing that Cas should sit there before closing the door and sitting down in her chair to type in Cas’ details onto the computer. I help the angel sit then perch next to him myself.

“Ok, Eddie.” Dr. Clarke starts, swivelling round in her desk chair to look at us, “what are you here for today? This is an emergency appointment, yes?”

Cas opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. I may be wrong, but I think he’s shaking. He’s so terrified right now. He suddenly reaches out to my hand that was resting on my leg and grips it tightly. He must be grounding himself or something. I grip back, showing him I’m still here. He’s okay.

“Uhm, yeah. We needed to get him checked out as soon as possible because it only happened a day or two ago and we just wanted to see if anything was seriously wrong.”

“What happened a day or two ago?” Her tone is serious now but she still sounds kind and understanding about Cas not being able to speak for himself just yet.

“Well, he was uh, captured in a way and then this guy did some stuff to him. That’s why we’re here.”

“I need to know specifically everything that happened before I perform a professional exam. Eddie, would you mind telling me exactly what happened? I know it’s hard, really hard. Can you try for me?” Cas fidgets and grips my hand harder and she notices. “Alright. Actually, Mr Winchester, would you mind just having a quick chat outside?”

I consider saying I can’t leave Cas but she clearly needs to speak about something in private, so I stand and let go of Cas’ clammy hand. He is reluctant to let go, but does it when I assure him that I’m right outside and I’ll be back in a second.

Once the door clicks shut, Dr. Clarke starts speaking, “I think you need to wait outside while I do this. The questions, I mean.”

“I can’t leave him, you saw what state he’s in. I just can’t.”

“I know, but I can talk to him properly. I’ve done this before. You know, speak to trauma patients. I’m gathering he was raped and doesn’t particularly trust anyone?”

“That’s right, yes.”

“If I speak to him about what happened without you there, he knows he has to answer the questions himself and then once he starts, it’ll get easier as he goes along. It might help him with his trust issues as well.”

I sigh through my nose. She has a point, but he’s not going to like me leaving him. “You’ll look after him? He’s just so traumatized. Can I speak to him before you do the questions and everything?”

“He’ll be fine. And yes, you can go and talk to him.”

I open the door and approach Cas, placing my hand on his knee before crouching down so we are more at eye level. He gives me a confused look but waits for me to speak.

“Eddie, I’m gonna stand outside while you answer these questions, okay?” I tell him flat out. As expected, there is a look of horror on his face. He doesn’t want to be left alone.

“Please don’t.” Cas squeaks, tugging on the sleeve of my jacket like a child who doesn’t want to go to the dentist.

“Hey, I’ll just be right outside okay? Dr. Clarke just wants to help, she’s not going to hurt you. It’s only a few questions, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Cas looks down at the floor clenching and unclenching his fist around my sleeve repeatedly. “You’ll be right outside?” He asks in the smallest voice I have ever heard.

“Right outside.”

“Promise you’re not going to leave?”

“I promise.” I smile and he slowly releases my sleeve that was bunched up in his hand. I squeeze his knee and stand up before walking out of the room and closing the door behind me.

**Castiel’s POV**

The door clicks shut and I sit silently on the bed. Dean promised he wouldn’t leave me again. He just outside, it’s fine.

“Eddie.” I look up at the doctor, her kind demeanour making me relax just a little. “Can you tell me how you feel about what happened?”

I swallow a few times, searching for something to say. How do I feel about what Omandriel did to me? “Betrayed.”

“And why do you feel that, hmm?” I watch Dr. Clarke scribble down notes onto a piece of paper.

“…I asked him to stop and he didn’t.”

“So, what did you ask him to stop doing?”

I close my eyes, trying my best to block out the graphic memories. The sooner I answer these questions, the sooner I get Dean back.

“I…I wanted him to stop touching me. He well, he was trying to touch my penis to get me involved. It didn’t feel good.”

“You didn’t consent and you told him to stop touching you, right.  You also said it didn't feel good? Would you mind telling me a bit about that?”

“…his grip was hard.”

“Okay, and did he do anything else? It’s ok, you can tell me.”

“I-well, he had sex with me?” I ask as a sort of question.

“So, the man that was with you hurt you with penetration as well with no consent. Did he perform any preparation before doing this?”

“Not that I know of.” I whisper. “It just…it hurt so much.”

“One last question. Was the man who attacked you wearing protection? A condom?”

“…I don’t think so, no. But I do know he experienced ejaculation still inside me.”

“I understand. Now, Eddie, to be sure that you’re okay, I need to see if there is any damaged tissue. If there is, it’s fine, I can get you some medication.  There may not be anything wrong, but I need to check just to make sure.”

Oh. That’s where this is going?

“I need you to take some of your clothes off. I can call Dean back in if you like.”

“Okay.”

Dr. Clarke approaches the door and holds it open for Dean who walks in and gives me a reassuring smile.

“Ok, Dean, he needs to take his pants and underwear off for this. Is it ok if you help him while I go and get some supplies?”

“I’ve been helping with all of this stuff anyway haven’t I Eddie? It’ll be like a walk in the park.” Dean laughs, but I know he can see the worry in my eyes.

Dr. Clarke leaves us alone after pulling a blue curtain across the bed just in case someone walks in or something.

“Dean, I don’t wanna do this.”

The hunter sighs and helps me stand. “You’ll be ok, Cas. I promise you’ll be ok. This is for the best. I’m right here next to you.”

“Fine.” I mutter quietly, gripping on to Dean’s shoulders. He nods and pulls my sweatpants down slowly so they don’t rub across the bandages on my leg. Then he moves his hands up to tug at the waistband of my boxers. I grip tighter.

Once everything is off, I continue grasping Dean’s shoulder as if my life depends on it. Why am I so nervous?

“Are we ready in there?” Dr. Clarke asks after coming back through the door.

“Yep.” Dean confirms and shortly after the doctor comes behind the curtain.

I find myself half hiding behind Dean. I’m _cowering._

“Ok, Eddie, it’ll only take two minutes alright? Dean can stay if he likes.”

Dr. Clarke approaches us. Dean is still helping me stand so he just shifts aside a little and adjusts his grip.

I scrunch my eyes up when the examination starts and the doctor looks at my penis first. I take hold of Dean’s hand again to remind myself that I’m _not_ chained up in an office, and I’m _not_ alone and helpless. Dean squeezes my hand back. I’ve actually never seen him so mellow before. He’s been here for me the whole time, I couldn’t be more grateful. This is the side of Dean that should come out more often. He can really make you feel better just by being there for you.

“Ok, that bit’s done. Can you lie on the bed face down for me.”

Dean helps me until I am in the position the doctor wants. She’s looking at a different area this time.  A nervous whimper escapes my lips when she continues with the examination and Dean places his hand on my back, rubbing circles. He really does know how to calm people down.

Finally, after a few more minutes, Dr. Clarke finishes up and leaves me with Dean again to get my things back on. “Eddie, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to take a urine sample as well. Just to check for any diseases that could  have been transmitted.”

I feel my lips form a thin line. I just want this to be over. Glancing at Dean, he gives a sad smile. We both know I can’t do this.

“Uh, Doc?” Dean asks, pulling the blue curtain back after I am seated on the bed with my clothes back on.

“Hmm?” She replies, looking up from washing her hands in the sink.

“He can’t. Like, he can’t stand on his own so I usually help, but I dunno if we can do the sample thing.”

“Oh, no worries, there is a support bar in the bathroom so he can keep himself upright while you help. Unless you’d like me to do it; that’s fine too.”

The hunter looks back at me unsurely, “Ca- Eddie, what do you think?”

I’ve never been so mortified in my entire life. Even with all of the millennia that I have been alive in, I have never experienced embarrassment to this extent before. “…you.” My voice is quieter than I want it to be and just _great._ This is going to ruin my friendship with Dean, he’s going to have had enough of this awkward intimacy before we even get to Jody’s house.

“Kay, we’ll give it a go.” Dean suggests coolly. “Might need a mop on standby though.” He jokes, but I just glare at him.

**Dean’s POV**

Cas glares at me. So much for making light of it. I hope he knows I don’t mind about this. Like, obviously it’s gonna be awkward as fuck but it’s me or the doc and I know exactly who Cas would choose any day.

Dr. Clarke hands me a pot before I help Cas into the bathroom. An easy option would be to just make him sit down, but the hard toilet seat would press on his leg wound and that would hurt. A lot. Yeah, we unfortunately found that out when he had to poop (yep, another mortifying experience for Cas. He managed to pull through in the end). 

Once the door behind us is closed, I turn my gaze to Cas. “So, how do you wanna do this, man?” The angel avoids eye contact with me and I sigh, “look, I know this is beyond embarrassing, but the sooner we get this done, the sooner we can leave.”

“But-“

“Please, buddy. It’ll only take a few minutes then we’re outta here. Okay?”

Cas grimaces but nods faintly. I completely understand how he’s feeling, but sometimes you really _have_ just gotta get on with it. I’ll never admit it, but I’m kind of enjoying taking care of Cas. It’s like I’m needed and wanted. It’s messed up, but if given the opportunity, I’d do anything for him right now. I like knowing that I can supply comfort to someone who isn’t my brother, and the things that are wrong with Cas are things I _can_ actually help with. Like right now for instance. Helping Cas piss in a pot is admittedly much easier than killing an army of demons and saving the damn planet. Heck, why didn’t I become a doctor?

I help him over to the bar next to the toilet which he grips on to before I let go of him to unscrew the cap on the pot. As I go to tug at the waistband on his sweatpants he blurts out “I don’t need to go.” Could he have made that sound more like a lie? I haven’t failed to notice he’s been squirming around a little for the past ten minutes as well.

“Cas, you-“

“I don’t.” He interrupts. Dammit Cas, just let yourself be helped for once.

“ _Cas.”_ I say in a more serious tone. I watch his face when he realises I know he’s lying and he looks down at the floor defeated. Sighing again, I lift his chin up to look at me in the eyes and I use a softer tone, “It’s only me, remember. Listen, I _want_ to help you okay? Just give in and let yourself be helped Cas. You’ll feel a lot better if you relax and just let me take care of you. Capiche?”

“I capiche.” He mutters half-heartedly.

I nod and return to tugging the front of his pants down along with his boxers. I know he’s watching every move I make. I don’t blame him, but it’s not like I haven’t seen his dick before. I’ve seen everything countless times over the past few days, then there was that time when Cas showed up covered in bees, _and_ the time when he didn’t realise his dressing gown had a gap in it down the front (yes, he did that to Hannah too, so I heard). Although, if I was being completely honest, he’s got _nothing_ to be ashamed of- _dammit Dean, snap out of it, this isn’t the time_. Stupid brain. 

I bend down a little so I can aim for Cas before telling him that he can go now, but nothing happens. Yeah, this is weird because he so obviously _does_ need to go.

I look up when I hear a sniffle and notice that there are a couple of tears leaking out of Cas’ eyes. “Oh, Cas.” I whisper, leaning back up.

He shifts uncomfortably and scrunches his eyes up before muttering in a broken voice, “I _can’t.”_

I let go of his dick for now and wrap my arms around the angel, running my hand through his hair. “Yes you can. I know you can. You need to let go. Just try again, for me. Please. I know this is really hard for you. Take as much time as you want, I'm right here with you.”

“…okay.”

We stay like that for a while longer until I hear that my friend has stopped sniffing. I don’t know exactly what happened between him and Omandriel, but it must have something to do with Cas being handled like this. Only he and the doctor know all of the facts but I can probably guess pretty much what happened to make Cas so nervous about me touching him like this.

I unhook my arms from around his waist, leaving my hand in his hair a little longer before bending down again to aim for Cas.

“Let go Cas.” I command softly, and thankfully after a few moments of concentration, the angel relaxes and starts to fill the pot. I’d hold his hand to help him through it, but I don’t have any spare hands.

Unlike a few minutes ago, he doesn’t look at me at all this time, and there is a red hue covering his face from embarrassment, but somewhere mixed in with the mortification, there is a clear look of relief that I am more than glad to see.

As the pot is more or less full, I point the last of Cas’ flow into the toilet. He risks a glance at me, but I just give him a big, reassuring smile. Damn, I feel like a proud father. The angel doesn’t return my smile, but his eyes flick between me and the wall a couple of times before I see the corners of his mouth pull up the tiniest bit.

Once I’m sure he’s done, I tuck him back into his pants before screwing the cap onto the pot tightly. “There you go! Wasn’t that bad now was it?” I assure Cas. It was a rhetorical question but the idiot answers anyway. I smile. He’s _my_ idiot.

“No.” He replies as I wash my hands in the small sink.

Although, after drying my hands off on the towel, I approach him and pull him into another hug sporting a more serious yet genuine tone, “I’m proud of you, Cas. I know that was hard.”

The angel doesn’t say anything, but I know he hears me because he melts into my arms just a bit and clings tight. I take it as a silent thank you and it fills me with a certain warmth about the fact that Cas feels safer in my arms than anywhere else.

We finally exit the bathroom. I am aware we took a very long time in there, but Dr. Clarke seems to know exactly why without me having to explain. I guess she _does_ see to trauma patients a lot then. See, there’s another reason why Cas shouldn’t worry. I bet a load of other people have struggled with that too.

I hand the pot to the doc, “Well, that’s great, we’re all done here. Eddie, I can’t see anything wrong with your tissue or anything else for that matter. Mr Winchester, you mentioned on the phone before that you’re just passing through this area. That’s fine, if we find any problems that need addressing in the sample, we can get in touch through one of our other branches to set you up with some medication. It should take around a week for the results to come through and we have your mobile number so we’ll be in touch.”

“Thank you doctor.” I smile, slinging Cas’ arm over my shoulders.

We start to leave but Dr. Clarke grabs my wrist and leans close to my ear so Cas can’t hear what she’s saying, “Mr Winchester, if the shyness and fear continues, you might want to consider getting him a therapist. He’s been through an awful lot. If you ever need to see exactly what happened, you can put in a request for my report that is also being sent to the cops.” When she finishes speaking to me, she leans away. “Eddie, take care ok? You’re in good hands.”  

Cas nods and gives a faint smile before we leave and re-join Sam in the waiting room. When he sees us, he stands up and shoots me an expectant look, “so?” He says.

“Yeah, it seems fine. Just gotta wait a week or so for some results. Everything ok with the money?”

“No problems with that either. Shall we get going?”

“Yep. Sounds good to me.”


	5. Slippery Slope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is sick. Really sick.

We manage to keep travelling for around 4and a half hours before stopping again. Sam managed to persuade Cas to drink a bottle of this vanilla nutrient shake. I’ve never had one, but they look disgusting and milky and ugh. Now we’re back on the road, the angel seems to be keeping it down so far so that’s a good thing.  

Currently, Sam is up front with me and Cas is in the back, huddled up in the same clothes as yesterday and Sam’s giant hoodie. He’s buried in it and it’s kind of cute.

I have no idea where all of these thoughts about Cas are coming from. Sure, maybe at the back of my mind there’s always been an interest in the guy, but why am I only just letting these thoughts in now? Maybe it’s because we’re quite close at the minute with Cas being fragile and all.

I turn up the radio when Led Zeppelin starts playing, tapping on the steering wheel in time to the beat.

We make a good run for another hour, but things don’t go too well after that. Jody’s house is pretty out there, and we were going along all of these old roads. They had pot holes, and we were bumping along them all.

It started when Cas pulled the hoodie off, looking kind of pale. He said this morning that he _should_ start getting better when we got a couple of hours away, but I guess he’s not completely resistant to car sickness. Don’t get me wrong, my driving is fine, but when Cas’ forehead started to shine with sweat, I kept an eye out for any signs that might point to me needing to stop the car.

We only have half an hour left, and Sam also keeps glancing back at the angel, both of us realising that he might not make it to Jody’s house in time.

After another five minutes, I glance back at Castiel and find he is gripping the edge of the seat so tight his knuckles are white. “Dean.” He groans, clutching his stomach with his other hand.

“Shit.” I curse, stopping the car in shoulder and getting out quickly. I move around to the other side of the car as fast as I can before pulling open the back seat door.

Hooking my arms under Castiel’s, I practically drag him out. As soon as I get him out, I lose my footing and we both fall back. I hit the floor and Cas lands pretty much on top of me, puking all down his front. As he’s kind of leaning against me, the best I can do is mutter words of comfort as the disgusting, milky nutrient drink comes back to greet us. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

At least he hasn’t eaten any food. That would have been more painful to throw up.

Sam climbs out the car with a bottle of water and a washcloth before joining us in the dirt, managing to tip Cas forward so he doesn’t continue bringing it all up over himself. It stops for a couple of seconds before he coughs weakly and a tonne more comes up. Sam hits him on the back, which seems to help get a lot of it out too.

Damn, how much did he drink? I blame Sam; he was in charge of that.

Cas spills just a little bit more before it seems to stop completely. He continues leaning forward, practically gasping for air after all of that.

I sigh, Cas still basically sitting on me, and share a glance with Sam. I shake my head to get across the idea that we probably shouldn’t have tried to come to Jody’s today. Even though we called earlier and she said it was cool, if we knew that _this_ would happen, we would have definitely waited longer.

“Cas, buddy, you okay?” I ask, noticing that the angel is still gasping to get his breath back.

He nods and I shift him into a different position on top me so I am a bit more comfortable. Sam keeps his hand on the angel’s back as he coughs up a little bit more.

Yet again, what a mess. Why didn’t I just stop the car? We could have avoided all of this if I just _stopped the damn car_.

After sitting quietly for a few minutes to let Cas recover, Sam uncaps the bottle and pours some of the water onto the washcloth to dampen it. He hands it to me before letting go of Cas and saying, “We should get his shirt off, then I’ll go get a plastic bag for it.”

I nod before me and my brother make a joint effort of getting Cas out of his shirt. We can’t exactly leave him sitting in a puddle of his own vomit, can we? He doesn’t seem to be very responsive to what we are doing. Maybe he’s just in shock; having an experience like this one will do that to you.

Sam takes the shirt away, leaving me with Cas. I’m still underneath him so just I place my hand on his forehead from behind, tilting his head back so I can wipe his mouth with the cloth. His eyes are closed and he’s basically passed out.

I manage to see what I am doing from tilting my head over Cas’ shoulder.

Supporting him by putting my hand on his shoulder, I use the washcloth to wipe down his skin. He really puked a lot, and everywhere, so it takes a while to get all of it off.

My friend begins to shiver after this, so I hurry up and clean the rest off before grabbing the hoodie from the car and slipping it over his head.

I dare to feel his forehead again , and as expected, it's burning. I thought he was supposed to get better? Maybe it’s one of those constitutions where you get worse before you get better?

Yeah, probably that. As I said before, I’m sure the bumpy car journey didn’t help.

“Cas. Cas, can you hear me?” I ask, trying to make eye contact with my friend. He hums tiredly which will do for now. “We’ve literally got like 25 minutes left on the road. You think you can pull through?”

His head rolls forwards and he’s out like a light. Just like that. I shrug and notice that Sam found a bag and has sealed the shirt away. “Sammy, can you help me get ‘m up?”

“Yeah.” Sam agrees, tossing the bag aside before pulling Cas up slowly from under his arms. Cas’ body slumps against Sam as my brother rubs his back.

I stand up with the cloth, wiping myself down a little. I am so glad that Jody has a washing machine. We’ve got a lot of laundry to do.

“I’ll get into the back with him if that helps.” I offer and Sam nods okay. I’m actually kind of surprised that he hasn’t questioned this yet. Like, he saw Cas snuggled up against me in bed this morning, and it seems as thoughhe didn’t even think twice. Maybe he heard what Cas said? After all, I just want to help my best friend.

I climb into the back of the Chevy before Sam hands me Cas, and between us, we manage to get Cas in the car and in my arms.

I throw Sam the keys and he slams our door closed before getting into the driver’s seat. Cas’ head is resting on my chest and I run my fingers through his hair when we set off.

The angel groans and shifts in my arms uncomfortably. “It’s ok. Nearly there buddy.”

I fish my phone out of my pocket and scroll through my contacts until I find Jody.

She picks up the phone, answering cheerily, “hey! You guys nearly here?”

“Uh yeah, we might be fifteen minutes late. Had a bit of a delay.”

“Oh, don’t worry. The girls are in tonight so I’m not alone. How’s Castiel?”

I smile, looking down at the angel, “Well, I had to stop the car because he got sick, but apart from that, on the mend.”

“Ah, ok. So, how long you staying for anyway?”

“I have no idea, I’m sorry Jody.”

“Nah, don’t stress. Stay as long as you want, Winchester.”

“Ok, thanks Jody, you’re awesome. See ya later.”

“See ya, Dean. Say hi to Sam! Byeee.”

As soon as I hang up, I notice Sam looking at me. “What’d she say?”

“She said we can stay as long as we need and she also says hi.” I repeat, which seems to satisfy Sam because he turns his attention back to the road.

I look down at Castiel’s face. He still looks pained and his skin still has a pasty kind of colour to it, but he definitely looks better than when we first found him in the office. He’s just asleep right now, his chest rising and falling softly against mine. I look up to check that Sam isn’t looking, before planting a kiss on the top of his head. He smiles in his sleep and cosies up to me more, still buried in my brother’s giant hoodie. I wrap my arms around him tighter, feeling a slight flutter somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. Surely I can’t have real feelings for Cas, can I? I mean, I’ve had experiences with guys in the past, but never really thought of it to be much more than messing around.

Internally shrugging, I watch the blurry nature from the window until we pull into Jody’s drive.

The woman herself rushes out and meets us, saying hi to Sam while I work on getting Cas out. He’s mostly awake now, looking a lot better than he did. He’s still really sick, but it seems as though the fever is starting to taper off again.

My brother grabs our bags while I walk Cas inside the house, Jody following close behind.

“So, what happened to you boys anyway?”

“Bad series of events. Cas isn’t doing too well.” I reply, letting go of Cas next to the breakfast counter where he can support himself while I help Sam through the door with the bags.

“S’ he okay?” Sam asks quietly, peeking past me to see Jody making small conversation with the angel.

“Yeah, I think so. He’s a little better than before. Although, don’t you think he seems...shy? I mean, look at him, he’s kind of nervous. He’s not the usual Cas that’s loud and gets straight to the point, he’s this little boy that needs to ask his parents what he can and can’t do. It’s as if his self-esteem has crash landed.” I finish, making a downwards swooping motion with my fingers.

“Yeah, I think so. If you think about what happened to him, because I have a feeling he’s told you already, he’s only really ever had” Sam clears his throat and lowers his voice, “sexual experiences with April. He probably doesn’t completely understand what’s happened to him. He must have been without the majority of his clothes for a certain period of time, so he’s gonna be kind of on edge all the time. As for the shyness: definitely. He’s gone all introverted.”

“What do we do?”

“ _You_ need to be there for him, Dean. He’s gonna take time to heal, and you’re the only person that will be able to get him through this properly. I saw you with him in bed this morning. You were both asleep and I swear to god that I have never seen Cas so peaceful and chilled. Like, seriously dude, you’re bonded. He really looks up to you, man.” So much for Sam not thinking twice.

Before I can get another word in, Sam heads towards Jody, giving her a hug and smiling brightly. What the heck was that supposed to mean? Bonded?

I force Sam’s words to the back of my mind before joining the other three in their conversation.

“-and I only have one bedroom spare with a king, so one of you is gonna have to take the sofa-bed.”

“I don’t mind sleeping here. Dean’s looking after Cas so I guess they would be better off in the bedroom.” Says Sam.

“That cool with you, Dean? Cas?” She asks, looking between me and the angel who nods.

“Uh, yeah that’s fine. Thanks again for taking us in Jody.”

“Oh, stop it. I told you lot that you could crash here anytime, you don’t need to keep thanking me.” She smiles. “Come on then, you two, I’ll show you to your room.”

I mouth okay before approaching Cas and flinging his arm over my shoulders so I can help him walk.

As we are walking along (well, limping if we are looking at it from Cas’ perspective), Claire appears out of another bedroom and chuckles when she sees Cas.

“What happened to him? He looks like he got stoned then puked fifty thousand times.”

I glance at Cas’ face to find he’s staring down at the floor, red with embarrassment and looking kinda hurt. I’m not sure whether he knows what ‘stoned’ means, but him shifting his feet uncomfortably points to yes.

“Claire. Not today.” I snap harshly.

She holds her hands up in defence, “whaaaaat, I’m just saying. He looks terrible. It’s as if he just caught the world’s worst disease or something.”

“Claire! Enough!” Jody half yells. Claire walks away in the direction of the kitchen, shrugging. From what I can gather, it seems as though she’s taking every opportunity to get revenge on Cas for taking her dad away. Yeah, she’s _still_ doing that after all this time. Even after they half made up. 

But, that’s the problem. Now, Cas is Cas. Not Jimmy. She just hurt his feelings, I can tell. I actually think she’s always been kind of rude. I mean, Castiel has tried so many times to help Claire, but she just turns him away in some form or another. I understand what he said last night, about trying so hard to make things right. He just wanted to help her, and she isn’t even _trying_ to be nice to him.

I squeeze the angel’s arm to sort of tell him that it’s okay before we continue following Jody to the bedroom.

It’s spacey and, as promised, has a king sized bed. There’s an en-suite bathroom and the room also has glass double doors that lead to the decking outside. Although, there are long curtains pulled across them at the minute because it’s starting to get dark out.

Jody smiles again at the two of us while fluffing up a pillow in the arm chair by the double doors. “So, dinner is in about 45. I’ll leave you two to get settled.” She informs before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

I turn around to Cas who is sitting silently on the bed, his hair all ruffled up and sticking out in odd places. Damn, I really need to stop looking at him like this.

As he’s looking kind of down, I sit next to him and put my arm around him. “Hey, how ya feeling buddy?” He only flinches a little.

“…I don’t feel sick anymore.” His voice is quiet and he keeps his head down while messing with his sleeve.

I sigh and watch him for a while before deciding that now is better than never. “You know Claire didn’t mean that, right? Everyone looks bad when they’re sick. I mean, Sam always looks like a ghoul.”

“Yeah.” He mutters.

If he wants to leave it there, we can leave it there.

“You want to shower?” I have no idea how we’ll pull that off. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing personal, I need one too. We both kinda smell of pukey nutrient shake.” I chuckle, before hitting the angel lightly on the shoulder.

Finally, he cracks a small smile and looks up at me with those blue eyes. “Sorry about that.”

“Yeah, you better be.” I joke, standing up and helping Cas up too. He smiles again and I feel a sense of achievement.

“There are problems with this, Dean.”

“What?”

“Well, I uh, I can’t exactly stand on my own, can I.” He admits, a small blush creeping up onto his cheeks.

“Oh, that. Oh yeah. Uhhhhm, well, I guess I could come in too. Although, Cas, mentally how are you doing?”

He tilts his head in confusion, forcing me to elaborate.

“Like, do you think you’d get a bit nervous having another person in such a small space with you? I’m just thinking ahead here.”

“…I think I can manage. Although, if helping me would make _you_ uncomfortable, I can try and shower on my own. There are walls I can hang on to-“

“No Cas, this is up to you. I just want to help. And if you _need_ me to be there with you, which I’m pretty sure you do, then I will be.”

“Okay. I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me, Dean. I know that all of this isn’t exactly your best area.”

“You’re right, it isn’t, but I’m just glad my buddy’s okay.” I ruffle his hair and we laugh like teenagers for a few moments.

I get Cas through the door and let him lean against the sink while I try and figure out how the shower works. You know, with all the knobs and stuff.

I examine and fiddle for a while with the buttons until water starts spraying out of the shower head. I jump out of the way quickly and smile at my achievement before turning to Cas. “I got it on.” I smile and approach him. “Hoodie first?”

“Whatever’s easiest.”

I nod and pull the giant hoodie over his head while being careful of all of the cuts and bruises on his chest and his back.

Once the hoodie is off, Cas moves his hands down to the waistband of his sweatpants. He hesitates for a couple of seconds, seeming a bit tense. I put my hand on his shoulder and he looks up at me.

“Remember it’s me. Dean.”

“Dean.” He confirms before slowly curling his fingers under the waist band and pulling them down as far as the injuries let him without hurting too much.

I kneel down and get the sweats completely off, taking his socks off at the same time because why not.

The last piece of clothing he has on is the boxers.

“Are you taking-“

“…no…I want to keep them on.”

“That’s fine. So, are you sure you’re okay with me getting in to help?”

“I’m mostly sure I’ll be alright.”

“Well, if you start to find that you’re not, please tell me. I’m supposed to be helping, not making you uncomfortable.”

“I understand.” Cas replies.

I nod and start stripping down. I’m pretty sure that I’m feeling more self-conscious than he is right now. I decide to leave my boxers on like him because it would be weird if I went full monty. Just no.

After helping Cas into the shower, I step in too, directly under the stream of hot water. It feels so good to finally get clean and I savour the feeling for a few moments before moving closer to Cas.

“Feeling ok?”

“So far, yeah.”

I place my hand on his forehead. It’s still quite hot, but not as hot as before. “You still have a pretty intense fever. Is the water temp alright? Not too warm or?”

“It’s fine, Dean.” Cas decides, shifting against the wall (which he is currently leaning on) uncomfortably because of the cuts on his back.

I grip his shoulders and pull him closer so he can rest some of his weight against me. Putting my arm on the small of his back sends shivers down my spine and it just confuses me even more about the feelings I have for him. I’m not having a sexuality crisis, I’m having a _CAS_ exuality crisis.

“We need to wash your hair.” I decide, watching the water flatten the last dry part of the angel’s dark hair.

Castiel reaches up to run a hand through his hair, but his arm darts back and he makes a small groan of pain, scrunching his eyes up.

He was shackled. His shoulders are probably a wreck.

“It’s alright, this is what I’m here for.” I assure, stretching down to pick up some kind of shower gel because I forgot to bring mine in with me.

I squirt some onto my hand then rub it into Cas’ hair which, as usual, is softer than a kitten’s fur.

The angel leans into my hand and it persuades me to keep going because he seems to be enjoying it so much.

_Well, I like it too, but I’m not going to admit that._

My fingers linger in his hair for a couple more seconds before I guide Cas under the water. He loses his balance a bit, but I catch him and hold him close to make sure he doesn’t nearly fall again.

The bubbles from the soapy gel wash down the angel’s face and chest, and I have to actually force myself to not watch it run down his skin.

Little did I know that Cas was watching me glance him up and down, the expression on his face one of curiosity.

I clear my throat and think fast, “just checking your wounds are ok.”

_Godammit, pull yourself together, Dean._

I squeeze some more gel onto my hand and run it through my own hair before washing it off and making sure my own body gets a good rinse.

Cas seems to be doing the same, looking at his injuries, but in a sort of cautious, investigative way. I guess he hasn’t really seen what happened to him yet. If he carries on, he’s going to freak himself out.

My assumptions are confirmed when he starts to stress out a bit, holding onto me so tightly I actually think he might bruise my skin.

“Cas, it’s ok. Just a couple more minutes and you’ll be out.”

I grab a flannel and hold it under the water before turning Cas around and dabbing it on his back gently. Me and Sam didn’t really wash the cuts at the back that well so I just want to make sure.

The angel’s breath quickens and I realise I should probably get him out. We haven’t been in long, but it was long enough to get a good clean. I’ve no doubt that Castiel wants to get some clothes on. Even though it’s just me, his mind is still relating being exposed to danger and hurt.

I reach forwards and push the squeaky tap thing, making the water stop altogether.

As soon as we get out of the hot shower room, Cas takes a deep breath of the fresh, cool air. I’m assuming he was feeling a bit trapped too, so I run my hand up and down on his back to give reassurance.

“All done. You’re out now, you can put some clean clothes on. I’ll be back in a second.” I say, setting Cas down on the chair in the bathroom before retreating into the bedroom to get some dry clothes for the both of us.

Returning from the bedroom, I dump the clothes I have for us on the floor and grab the clean towels that were folded on the side next to the sink before tossing one to Cas. He catches it and starts drying himself off.

I do the same and leave the bathroom to take my wet boxers off and put some dry ones on along with some jeans and a black t-shirt.

When I return, Cas is still sitting in the chair, staring at his reflection in the mirror. I step in front of the mirror, blocking his view because that’s what started to freak him out in the shower. He looks up at me before I haul him up from underneath his arms so I can help him get dryer.

“Cas, we need to get your boxers off, dude.” I see a flash of horror cross his face before he opens his mouth.

“I…uh….o-okay.”

“Two seconds off and on, kay?”

He nods unsurely and I squeeze his shoulder in reassurance before guiding him back against the counter so he can keep himself balanced while I change his clothes.

He grips the edge so tightly his knuckles turn white, so I assume the sooner I do this, the better.

I kneel down and pull his boxers down, being careful of the huge stab wound on his leg. After tugging them over his feet, I hand Cas the dry towel so he can cover himself up and dry up at the same time while I get the dry boxer shorts ready.

I pull them up part way and Cas tugs them the rest of the way with one hand.

He really is so innocent, like, white boxer shorts are the most innocent thing you can get.

Happy that that wasn’t too awkward, I pull a clean needle from the medical bag (which I also brought in here) and hold it up so Cas an see it clearly.

He tries to back away from me and nearly falls over, scaring himself in the process. I catch him easily and stand up, looking him in the eyes.

“Just like last time, Cas. It’ll make your leg feel better and you’ll be able to relax. Look at me, kay? It’s just me.”

He nods before keeping his eyes firmly fixed on me as I insert the needle near the wound, pushing the liquid painkiller in with the syringe. The angel gasps a couple of times, but doesn’t speak until I pull the needle out and toss it into the bin.

“There we go. All done.” I assure, tapping Castiel’s shoulder while wrapping the clean bandage around his leg then helping him sit down on the chair. He keeps quiet and just watches me as I collect the clean sweatpants and black shirt from the floor then help him get them on.

I suddenly get curious and look up to examine his face for a beard. He has some stubble, but no more than he’d usually have. I expect that’ll start growing soon if Cas has really lost all of his grace.


	6. I'm Just Glad He's Ok

I help my friend up and out of the bathroom. We are both looking pretty decent now so I get us out of the door and through to Jody’s living room where everyone is chatting, sitting at the table.

Cas probably won’t want to sit next to anyone he doesn’t really know (or in Claire’s case: someone he doesn’t really like at the minute), so I guide him into the middle chair on one side of the table, directly in between me and Sam.

Joining Jody in the kitchen, I reach into the plastic bags that Sam brought in, looking for something for Cas to eat that he can actually keep down.

Assuming that crackers are the best option, I pull them out then pour some ginger ale into a glass before filling it the rest of the way with water.

I return to the table, placing the crackers (which are now on a plate) and a drink in front of Cas.

“You don’t have to eat it, but it might be a good idea to get some energy. Kay?” I say, more to Cas, but I know that everyone else at the table was listening in too. I watch Claire’s reaction closely, seeing a flicker of guilt in her eyes when she realises that something is genuinely wrong with Cas that has knocked him down quite a few pegs.

Jody comes in with two steaming plates of cheese pasta and places them in front of Alex and Claire. I smile and nod hello to Alex and sit down next to Cas. Jody comes back with another three plates, one balancing on her arm, before setting them down in front of me and Sam, then herself.

“Looks awesome.” I decide, really enjoying the fact that we actually get home-cooked food. Sam agrees with my comment and we dig in. I smile to myself when Cas picks up a cracker and starts nibbling at it in between sips of his drink. He’s just so cute all the time. I don’t even want to deny it anymore.

“How’re things going, Jody?” Sam asks, stabbing a couple of pieces of pasta with his fork before eating them.

“Good. We’ve been out to the lake a couple of times, and I must admit, Alex and Claire are pretty good at fishing.”

“You’re better. I still can’t believe you caught that huge one.” Alex admits.

Jody shakes her head, smiling “at least we actually caught something that day. There were other people there and they got nothing, but us? Nah. We were constantly pulling 'em in.”

“Which is when I left.” Claire laughs, glancing at Cas when he coughs innocently on his cracker, eyeing it up curiously.

“What have you been up to anyway?” Jody asks me.

“Well, we found a case about 7 hours from here. There was a demon kill, and the knife we have now that kills demons appears to be part of a set.”

“Oh cool. Although, the last thing you boys need is _more_ knives. Your trunk is absolutely packed. Heck forbid the cops find your stash somehow, you’d be so in for it...then I’d have to bust you both out.” Jody laughs.

“We _do_ need more knives. Especially when the knives mush up demon insides. We need them. Now.”

“Eating.” Claire points out and smiles at me.

I smile half-heartedly back, still kinda pissed at her for not taking it easy on Cas when he was clearly in a bad way.

“So yeah, there was the knifes, but Cas went through some stuff and he’s our top priority right now. Right, angel?” I ask, elbowing Cas lightly. He looks up at me confusedly; only just realising he was being talked to, “we’re looking after you.” I paraphrase.

“Um, yeah.” He answers shyly, not making eye contact with anyone, not even me.

Noticing he seems really tense being under the spotlight, I tuck my right hand under the table and place it on his knee reassuringly, thankful that he doesn’t flinch because that would have been a dead giveaway.

The angel immediately relaxes under my touch, and takes another sip of his drink having only finished one small cracker.

Sam changes the subject of the conversation to more hunting which thankfully lasts for the entire time we are eating and also keeps everyone busy so they don’t stare at Cas, because I wouldn’t doubt they’re shocked that he’s being so quiet after all we’ve told them about him being this angel who has fought countless battles for freedom.

Jody begins to collect the plates up, stacking them in a pile on top of her own. Sam is about to help but she pushes him away. “Sit down.” She smiles at my brother and takes the plates away.

Cas catches my attention when he squirms uncomfortably in his seat. He is pressing his thighs tightly together and it can’t be his leg because of that shot of painkiller I gave him. He can’t be feeling sick because he _definitely_ would have told me. There are no other injuries below his waist so that just leaves one thing.

Certain this time that he is the only one who can hear me, I lean in front of Cas and whisper to him, “you need the bathroom, buddy?”

He nods and I stand up, telling everyone that “we’ll be right back.”

The problem is, I’m getting the vibes that Cas struggles with this area of the human thing. He didn’t get it before and he still doesn’t. Look at it like a small child learning how to control their bladder. Cas is having the same problem. It’s just that he still doesn’t completely understand when to go and when not to go, despite being human before. It’s either that, or he’s just too embarrassed to say anything because then everyone will know he needs me to help him go. I’m going to have to monitor this because I’m pretty sure, right now, if I didn’t notice, Cas would’ve had an accident. He’s really desperate for the bathroom right now, and he doesn’t know what his limits are, and I have every idea that he probably doesn’t want to find out.

I help Cas into our bedroom then bathroom and close the door.

“Same as last time?” I ask coolly, knowing that he’s secretly mortified about the fact he needs me to help him with this.

Castiel nods and we get into the same position as last time. Me slotted behind to keep him steady, except this time, I only put one hand on his waist and place the other on his arm. He has to move his arms to do this, but me being close to him when he has to use the bathroom definitely makes him feel (as I have discovered) more secure, knowing it’s just me and him and nobody else. It's as if he _knows_ that when I'm here, no one can come from behind and get him like Omandriel did.

The angel doesn’t make any move to actually do what he came here to do. He just stands stone still, and the thing that hurts me more is the fact that I know exactly why. I rub up and down his arm with my hand. I really need to encourage him to do this before it's too late and he can't hold it in anymore.

“Don’t be self-conscious.” I whisper gently into his ear and he flushes a slightly darker shade of red. “There's nothing wrong with feeling shy about this, I promise. I completely understand what you must be feeling. I'm assuming it's like, you _really really_ need to pee and you feel like your bladder's gonna explode, but no matter how hard you try, you can't relax and let go?" The angel nods. "Yeah, it's completely natural to feel like that if you've gone through something bad. You need to know that I don't mind helping you through this stuff. I care about looking after you and your feelings more than anything. All you need to do right now is _relax._ That's it. If you do that you'll feel much better and your muscles will stop tensing. Then you'll be able to go. You just need to let go and let me help.”

“…I-I still feel like I can't.” He decides, his voice shaking from needing relief so bad.

Ok, so judging from the problem we have now, Cas is suffering from having a shy bladder. This is _not_ a good thing.

“It's alright. We're in no rush, just take your time with this. We can stay here as long as you want. I know you really need to go, but take as much time as you need. It's just you and me in here, there's nothing to worry about. It'll be okay, just try and relax for me.”

I am positioned further to his left side where I can slot my head over his left shoulder. My left hand is on his waist, and my right is still rubbing soothing circles on his right arm. I risk moving it up to the angel’s hair, stroking down some particularly crazy strands.

"It's alright, we've got plenty of time." I mutter, desperately trying to urge the angel to stop tensing and everything.

I weave my fingers through his hair more and I can feel his muscles relaxing. Cas sighs softly as he, at last, manages to calm down enough to (what may as well be) piss his desperate heart out. The angel wholly leans back on me and closes his eyes as he finally empties out. All I can think, is thank god for that. Although, this is definitely a problem we need to solve. I need to help the poor angel get his confidence back.

As soon as he’s done, he sorts himself out quickly, including washing his hands, but then he tries to get out into the bedroom without my help and very nearly cripples himself more. I am fast enough to grab onto his shirt and stop him, dragging him back roughly.

“Cas, stop it.” I whisper harshly while he squirms out of my grip, knowing that if I go any louder, the guys will hear us at the table. " _Cas!"_ I hiss again, but he keeps trying to scramble away. “ _Stop_.” I snap and grab his arm tightly, but immediately regret it when he gasps in terror, still trying to get away.

I let go of him, causing him to fall towards the bed. For a second, I though he hit his head on the wooden bedframe, but luckily he doesn’t and manages to grip onto the covers and drag himself onto the bed, scrambling away from me. There is pure fear in his eyes which is accompanied with his heavy breathing.

I hold my hands up so he can see that I’m not going to do anything. “Castiel? Cas, buddy, what’s goin' on with you?” I walk around the bed, aware that the angel is monitoring my every move.

“…I-I forgot who you-forgot you were Dean. M-My friend. I-I got scared.” He completely stammers through his sentence, his blue eyes watching me as I take a step closer.

“Yeah, it’s me, Dean. No one else.”

“I-I know. I don’t like t-this-I-I don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand what?”

“Why I suddenly t-thought you weren’t Dean. I-I‘m sorry.” His breathing begins evening out and he looks down, clearly in more shame.

“You don’t need to be sorry, Cas. PTSD does that to you. It’ll get better, I promise.”

“Well, I-um-I-y-you grabbed me.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, I shouldn’t have done that.”

The angel crawls off the bed, still a little wary, but lets me help him up so he can’t be feeling too bad about it anymore. He stumbles towards me and I hold him close. Our faces are inches apart and I can’t help but glance at the guy’s plump lips for a second. Damn, they’re so kissable.

His blue eyes meet my green ones, and soon, I find myself being squeezed in a tight hug. His breath goes shaky and he grips on to the back of my shirt tighter. “Hey, hey, hey, hey. You okay, Cas?” My voice is breathy and gentle.

“I-I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He admits and I squeeze him back, my left hand finding its way to the back of his neck. “You mean so much to me, Dean.”

_I love you too._

I swallow hard, wondering where all of this is coming from. I can’t even form words to reply to that, so I just settle with running my hand through his hair. I know there’s more he wants to tell me.

“Dean, um-c-can we talk sometime?” He asks quietly, pulling away from me. There are traces of tears in his eyes, probably from the shock and then cooling down after it.

“Y-yeah.” I reply, stumbling on my own words at the sight of him looking so broken.

“Um, let’s go?”

I nod and help him towards the closed door. “Are you bothered about sitting at the table or do you want to watch something on the TV?”

“Will there be bugs on the TV?”

“Yeah, probably.” I smile at his childish obsession with insects. Yet another thing to add to the list of cute things about Cas.

“TV.”

“Annnnd he chooses the bugs over people. Nice choice, sir.” I narrate like a baseball commentator, making him giggle- actually _giggle_.

I smile and open the door, leading him back out into the living room.

“What got you two all amused?” Jody smiles when we make an appearance, and I am happy that none of them appear to have heard Cas’ little episode.

“Just stupid stuff.” I smile back, setting Cas down in the armchair in front of the TV. I grab the remote and turn it on before flipping through the channels until we get something. A documentary on honey bees - Cas’ favourite. I hand him the remote and smack him on the shoulder in a bro kind of way.

When I return to the table, Sam looks at me questioningly, “he okay?”

“Some stuff happened. Tell you later.” I whisper and that is the end of that.

We just sit and chat at the table for ages. After about half an hour, Alex went to join Castiel to watch the documentary, and he seemed to enjoy her company. Although, at one point his face expression was one of absolute wonder. He was so engrossed with the bees that I just had to get my phone out and zoom in on that face before taking a picture. It was heart-warming and funny at the same time and _dammit Dean, pull yourself together, man...again._

Claire is still at the table, talking to us about smaller hunts that her and Jody have been on.

By now, it’s been a couple of hours and Sam suggests everyone watches a movie. Obviously the immediate answer from everyone is yes, except for Cas, who is fast asleep in the chair, the bee documentary long finished.

We all stand up from the table, intending to go and sit down in front of the TV. I debate for a couple of seconds whether or not to wake Cas up to watch the movie, but he’s had a long day. Some comfortable rest will work wonders for him right now.

“I’m gonna get him into bed.” I say to pretty much anyone who is listening before approaching the armchair. Cas somehow got himself all wrapped up warm in a blanket, but I decide to let the guy keep it. I slot my hand down through the gap between his back and the chair and sit the sleepy angel up. There’s no way he’s awake enough to be walking, so I hook my arm under his legs and full-on carry him to our room.

I set him down on top of the covers. The thing is, if I tuck him in he’ll get too warm, and that won’t be good for his fever, so being on top of the covers with the blanket is ideal.

I walk over to the window and open it before glancing at the curtains which move gently from the cool breeze outside.

If he wakes up, he might want me, so I leave a note next to him on the bed:

**_If you need me, call for me :)_ **

**_-D._ **

My fingers move to the lamp on the bedside table and I turn it off. I watch Castiel’s chest rise and fall slowly and the atmosphere is peaceful. This is when I give in, leaning forwards and placing a small kiss on the sleeping angel’s forehead. I use my fingers to brush some dark locks of hair out of Cas’ face until he looks perfect.

I have no idea where all of this softness is coming from, but I kind of like it. And, well, I like Cas.

Before leaving the room, I glance back once more at my friend.

I smile warmly then leave, the door quietly clicking shut behind me.

When I return, I find that everyone is either huddled up on the couch or on the floor. Sam appears to have saved me a space next to him on the couch so I squeeze in.

Claire, who is on the floor, reaches forwards and pulls the drawer underneath the TV open. “Soooo, we got Mission Impossible, Thor, Divergent, Harry Potter, Transporter one and two and a few more ancient ones.”

“Definitely not Harry Potter.” I decide immediately. I’ve already had Charlie and Sam nerding out over that before. Never in a million years am I actually going to watch it.

Sam laughs and shrugs, “Transporter two?”

“I haven’t seen the first one.” Jody and Alex protest at the same time.

“What about Divergent? Cool heroine lead character.” Claire claims.

“Nah, we’ve seen that like a thousand times.” Whines Alex. “What about Thor? We haven’t seen that for a while and there are hot guys in it.”

“Ok. No way.” Sam laughs.

Getting slightly frustrated with all the fussing, I decide to test my opinion with everyone, “what about we just watch Transporter one? I mean, some of us haven’t seen the first one so we could watch that instead of the second. There are ‘hot guys’ _and_ it has action _and_ there are cool women. Happy?”

Everyone hums simultaneously in agreement. Claire opens the plastic DVD case and slots the disk into the tray. It closes and the movie title screen shows up.

As me and Sam are squished together on the couch, I shift to get more comfortable, noticing that there is good looking bowl full of popcorn on the coffee table.

“Dean.” Sam whispers seriously.

“Mhmm?” I ask, my mouth now full of popcorn.

“What happened with Cas?”

“He just had a bit of a freak-out. Don’t worry, I handled it.”

“Dean. What _happened_?” Sam asks, clearly wanting me to be more specific.

Nobody can hear us because they’re either engrossed in the start of the film or too far away to hear our whispers.

“Well, we left the table because he needed the bathroom. Everything was fine until he was washing his hands, but then he was like, trying to get away from me. I had no idea what to do to stop him, because he would’ve screwed up his leg even more, so I grabbed him and he had a bit of an episode. He forgot who I was for a second.”

“Is he ok now?”

“Fast asleep. But yeah, I think so. Just had a bit of a wobble that’s all. He didn’t feel comfortable at the table so I let him watch TV.”

“I hope we get ‘m back. I hate seeing him like this. So broken.”

“Yeah, me too. He’s well on the way so he should be okay in a couple of weeks, maybe a little longer. He’s strong, he can pull through.”

Sam hums in response and sinks down in the cushions, ready to watch the movie.

I do the same and we watch the screen as Jason Statham speeds across a tonne of police officers and drives off a bridge in his car.

About an hour in, my eyes begin to feel heavy, and I can’t stop myself from falling asleep.

If I dream, it’s never really a dream, more of a nightmare unless it’s about women and- let’s not get into that. When I wake, all I can remember is Cas, screaming for help up to the sky, standing completely alone on a highway, injured and scared with tears in his eyes. He was screaming for me.

My eyes bolt open quickly as I think about it, and I glance around at everyone else, who have all also fallen asleep. What if Cas needed me and I was asleep? What if my dream was partly real?

I glance at my watch and find that I fell asleep around a hour ago, so that makes it two hours since I last checked on the angel.

Standing up hurriedly but quietly, I manage to leave the living room without anyone waking up. I open the door to me and Cas’ room slowly, and see that he isn’t in the bed.

“Cas?” I whisper, but with one of those loud whispers. I walk in and close the door behind me, looking in the bathroom to see if my friend is in there instead. Nope, nothing.

“Out here, Dean.” A smaller voice comes from across the room.

My head snaps up and I squint to see a dark figure sitting down on the decking outside, the double glass doors wide open.

Moving closer to see who it is, I see that it is indeed Cas. He is sitting cross legged on the wooden decking, the blanket he had earlier hanging loosely around his shoulders. The moonlight makes his skin glow as he stares at something on his arm.

I choose not to think about how he got down here. I mean, he seems ok so that’s the main thing.

“Cas, buddy, you scared me.” I say, sitting down on the decking next to him. This is when I find that he is watching a ladybird crawl around on his arm. The little smile that pulls across his face makes my heart flutter with affection. The admiration in his eyes for that small creature along with the way his face is lit up by the soft light makes me smile too, and all I want to do is hug him.

“Who knew, that something so tiny could be so interesting and…complex.” He says before the ladybird extends its wing thingys and flies away. The angel looks up towards the stars and I do the same. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it.” His voice is so soft right now.

“Yeah, it is. It really is.” I agree, listening to the crickets chirping. I wonder whether I was talking about the stars or Cas. Maybe a bit of both.

All I want to say right now is _yep, you are beautiful, Cas._

A small breeze blows through the trees, which makes Cas shiver and wrap himself up tighter in the blanket. I scoot closer and wrap an arm around my angel. He pushes his head into my neck to get more comfortable and stays there, enjoying the nature around him.

“You said you wanted to talk to me. S’ there something on your mind?” I ask, keeping my voice gentle.

Castiel sniffs and takes a deep breath, “I’m struggling to get used to all of these feelings.”

“It’s gonna take you a while to adjust to your emotions. Thing is, you’re used to what your _mind_ is telling you about feelings, not what your _body_ is telling you. You said you were embarrassed earlier, that’s one.”

“I don’t understand why, but I feel _so_ humiliated, _all the time_. Especially earlier.”

“It was because _I_ was there, buddy. You needed some help and to help you I had to invade some of your privacy. We all go to the bathroom and close the door so we are alone, but you could barely stand so you needed help.”

“So, you’re saying I was embarrassed because of needing you to help me urinate and therefore losing privacy?”

“Yeah. But the thing is Cas, you have nothing to be embarrassed about because everyone needs help sometimes, and if that means holding you steady while you take a leak, or helping in the shower, or even helping you walk, then I’m perfectly happy to get you through it.”

Cas tucks into me closer and closes his eyes. “What did I do to deserve you?” He asks quietly, the breeze ruffling his hair a little.

“…everything.” I reply softly, unable to stop myself from tilting my head down and placing the lightest of kisses on the top of his head.

Again.

The angel looks up at me, his huge blue eyes reflecting the light from above. I am actually left speechless at the view before me. It’s Cas, he just...so beautiful.

“What do you say we get into bed, hmm?” I ask, rubbing his back. He nods and I help him up before walking him back in and sitting him down on the side of the bed.

I go over to my bag and pull my pyjamas out, changing quickly before returning to Cas who has ditched the blanket and is sweating profusely.

“Maybe if you’re too warm you should take your pants off.” I suggest and Cas nods again, tugging at the waist band until I am able to help him up and get the sweats off him. He is left in the black t-shirt that is too big for him because it’s Sam’s, and his white boxer shorts. Hopefully he won’t get too warm now.

I climb into the other side of the bed and help Cas get in too before pulling the covers up to our waists. Cas moves over to me and rests his head on my chest. I run my hand through his soft hair and wrap my arms around him to pull him closer.

We both fall asleep, totally relaxed and peaceful in each other’s embrace.

I’m just glad he’s ok.


	7. Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas goes through even more stuff (arghhh sorry :D )

**7:34am**

The first thing I hear is the chirping of the birds outside. Apart from that, there is absolute silence; you could hear a pin drop. I can hear the slow breathing of Cas, who is still positioned comfortably on my chest. He is smiling in his sleep, and his hair is absolutely everywhere, even more so than usual.  There are strands poking out in every direction and it just makes me want to run my hands through the soft locks.

I force my eyes open further to adjust to the light that is seeping through the curtains of the window and double doors.

Voices from the kitchen interrupt my thought process. Sounds like everyone but us is up.

My stomach growls and I look at the door, debating whether or not I should leave Cas in here to get more sleep. But no, he needs to eat and drink too. We need to keep him hydrated.

I lift my arm up to the angel’s back, moving it up and down. “Buddy.” I whisper and Cas just snuggles closer to me, his head now in the crook of my neck and his hair brushing across my face. “We gotta get up.”

He _can_ hear me because he groans sleepily, but makes no move to get up.

I see no other option but to sit up slowly, pulling Cas gently along with me. He’s clinging to me but his body is still limp from being half asleep. His hair is flattened down on one side where he was lying, and he lets out a small, quiet groan when I move him. His eyes are still closed and I put my hand on his forehead. The temperature is much lower than yesterday which is awesome. The first step was to get that fever the hell out of here.

I sit with him for a while, trying to keep him upright from being weak with sleep. He's definitely struggling to come to completely, but Cas’ sleepy eyes do finally open, and he looks up at me tiredly.

“How you feeling, Cas?” I ask, removing my hand and using it to go behind his back and support him from there.

“Better.” His voice is thick with sleep, and I’m not gonna lie, that with the hair is the hottest thing I have ever seen.

“That’s good. Any signs of grace?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Hungry?”

“A little.”

“Okay. C’mon, let’s go see what’s up for grabs.”

As he can support himself now, I let go of Cas and slip out of bed, feeling kind of bad for forcing him to wake up.

I walk around the bed and help him up, and he looks around the room as if he’s looking for something.

“You lost something?”

“I, uh, don’t feel comfortable going out there in these clothes.”

I mentally face palm. Of course he doesn’t, he’s still really shaken up from what happened to him.

“Your sweatpants are on that chair over there, I’ll get ‘em.” I leave Cas supporting himself on the wall while I get his pants.

I help him into them before we approach the door and leave the room, finding that everyone is indeed eating around the breakfast bar where Jody is cooking up pancakes.

“Please tell me you saved some.” I laugh.

“Nah, there’s plenty. Help yourselves, boys.” Jody smiles, gesturing to a plate with a load of spare pancakes stacked up.

Noticing that there are no more chairs, I lift Cas up to sit on the counter next to Sam. The angel looks startled at first but then relaxes, seeming to quite like being able to look around from a higher place.

I stroll over to the stack of pancakes, grabbing two clean plates before plopping three on my plate and then one on Cas’. I pour syrup on mine and hand Cas his own who smiles when he takes it.

“Go steady.” I warn like an old dad. Well, you can’t blame me, I don’t want Cas puking everywhere again.

The angel nods and takes a small bite of his food happily, his feet swaying slightly. I smile at his childishness. He looks like a teenager who just woke up and is eating breakfast before school.

I’m not actually sure why he’s acting like this, but my best guess is it’s because he’s feeling relieved that he’s not feeling that ill anymore. I’ve done that myself in the past. The minute I started feeling better, I put highway to hell on my phone on full blast and ate a load of popcorn. It did actually make me sick again, but that’s not the point.

I finish my pancakes quite quickly and get a couple more for good measure, knowing that soon we’ll be back on the road and back to takeaway food. However, when I do finally finish, I decide a shower will be nice.

“Uh, I’m gonna go get a shower. Cas, you okay staying here with Sam?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, good. See ya in 20.” I walk off to me and Cas’ room, thankful to get some time to myself to think.

All of these feelings and thoughts about Cas are kind of scaring me. I’ve never seen the guy in a particularly sexual light at all. Sure, I love him, but in a bro way.

After stripping out of my clothes, I step into the shower and turn on the water, keeping it cool so I am able to think better.

Maybe it’s because I’m so close to him all of a sudden? I mean, maybe falling asleep with him is triggering all of this well, affection? I’ve always wanted to help Cas, make sure he’s okay, safe, but now? I _want_ to be close to him _all the time._ I always want to know he’s doing ok, and I don’t care how I can be of assistance, as long as he’s getting the support he needs. Things like the bathroom problem, I will help all I can. And his clear PTSD. I know Cas is extremely broken and confused about what happened between him and his so called brother, and I just really want to help him get through that.

Jeez, who am I turning into? Before Cas got hurt (to look at it metaphorically), I was an 18 inch wall of concrete. Now I’m basically a marshmallow.

This is affecting me in ways I can’t comprehend; I just hope everyone understands that I’m trying to help out a friend. I hate that that rhymes.

The soapy bubbles wash out of my hair when I stand under the water.

Everything is just so complicated right now. It’s so messy. We have a good, solid case here and when we first heard about those demon knives, I would’ve been right on it, but now I don’t want to leave Cas. He needs me, and I can’t bear to turn him away _again_.

I step out of the shower and dry myself off before getting dressed. Cas is going to need some new clothes because all he literally has left is Sam’s t-shirt and hoodie, and then my sweats.

Hanging my towel on the rail, I sigh and exit the bathroom then stroll over to the window and open the curtains. When this is done, I move on to the glass door curtains and open those too. Light floods the room along with the birdsong that woke me up earlier.

Feeling refreshed after having had a proper shower, I move into the living room where Sam and Cas are talking about something while the TV is on. It appears to be another nature programme, except this one seems to be about polar bears and other arctic mammals.

I smile and leave them to it, wandering into the kitchen to find where the coffee is if there’s any left (which I really hope there is).

Much to my relief, there is a fresh pot made and I pour myself some into a white mug. It’s tastes freaking amazing – much better than the crappy stuff we have back at the bunker.

“Dean, did you hear that?” Sam shouts across the room.

“What? No, I didn’t hear anything.”

“I said: get your ass over here, I think we got something else on the blades.”

I stroll over and sit down on the couch in between Sam and Cas.

“I finally found something online last night.” Sam says, sounding relieved. He _has_ been searching for days in all fairness.

“Well?”

“Well, I found some old police records on the system that mention the address of the old men of letters HQ. You know, the one where Henry went to? And well, apparently they were investigated by the police for suspicious activity concerning a murder a couple of streets away. The whole place was searched and the police found nothing but a few sketches of the blades, one of them being the one we have now. Now, it seems pointless up to this point, but there’s more, each blade that is stronger than ours has enochian engraved on its grip.”

“My brother…when he had me, he said that one of our sisters has or at least knows where the blades are. Doing these enochian spells is a much safer option: I think the enochian on each blade is a spell to find each individual knife, but they’re extremely faded and vague. It would take a long time to figure them out.” Cas decides pointing at the small markings on the picture of the drawings.

“You think you can decode it?” I ask and Cas looks unsure.

“I’m going to try, but if I can’t, we might need extra help from another angel.”

“Awesome.” I beam, studying the picture a little more before taking another sip of my coffee. “Oh, by the way, Cas, I think Jody has washed a load of our clothes so you probably won’t have to wear those sweatpants for much longer.”

Cas nods and turns his attention to the TV, already engrossed in whatever the hell penguins do to keep warm.

Sam nudges me, making me look at him. He nods his head in the direction of the kitchen, clearly wanting to talk about something in private.

As my coffee is nearly gone, I stand up to get a refill, and Sam does the same, muttering something about getting a hot drink too.

When we reach the kitchen, which is far enough away that a quiet conversation can’t be heard, Sam leans in closer. He glances at Cas, who is still watching the penguins, not really focused on anything else but the screen.

“What is it, Sammy?” I ask, pouring some more coffee into my mug.

“It’s Cas, while you were in the shower, he told me about some things he was feeling.”

“Yeah?” I question, opening the cupboard to get a mug out for Sam.

“Well, he told me about what happened yesterday and how he is grateful for everything you’re doing for him. He said that he’s struggling to get used to knowing when he needs the bathroom because it’s been a while since he was last human, which we already knew anyway. Although, Cas said that he’s finding it hard to forget about what happened between him and his brother. I know he’s told you about some of it, but not all of it I don’t think. So yeah, there’s that, and there are a couple of other things.  He’s said that he feels like if he messes up or embarrasses himself again, you’re going to be really annoyed and kick him out like last time. _Last time?”_

“Oh, shit.” I curse quietly, filling Sam’s mug full of coffee. I never told Sam that I told Cas to leave. Twice.

“Dean, what the hell? Why did you do that? He was on his own!” Sam hisses, glancing at Cas who is still watching his nature programme.

“Gadreel said he’d leave you if Cas stayed. I chose you.” I defend, half knowing what Sam will say to that.

“You shouldn’t have chosen me. Cas is your best friend, Dean, and you treated the guy like crap then basically left him in a ditch!”

“And you’re my brother.” This shuts Sam up and he sighs.

“Look, I’m just saying. I know you’re doing everything to help him right now, but _please_ make it known to him that you’re not going to toss him the garbage again.”

I look down at my coffee, feeling kinda guilty. Everything Sam has said is right. It seems as though every decision I make does more bad than good.

“I’ll speak to him.”

“Honestly Dean, I feel like something is going to happen and Cas is going to be so down and humiliated about it. He is definitely going to embarrass himself again at some point and probably get upset about it, so just please _please_ let him know that whatever happens, you’re there for him.”

“I will.” I grab a clean glass and fill it with water from the tap for Cas.

“One more thing.” Sam grabs my arm and stops me walking away. “There was something else he said that, I don’t know, he might have meant it, might not. But just be ready. If he tells you, be gentle. He’s fragile.”

“What was it?”

“I’m going to let Cas tell you that in his own time.”

I frown and walk away – what the hell was that last bit about?

Sitting back next to Cas, I hand him the glass of water and he accepts it gratefully. “Thank you.”

I nod and smile, thinking about everything Sam just said. Of course Cas is fragile, he got raped by his brother, but what is he not telling me?

For the rest of the day, we just kind of lounge around. Everyone was doing their own thing, and it was getting quite boring, so I am glad to finally get to bed.

Cas is already asleep, his back turned to me, so I climb into bed slowly as to not wake him up. I close my eyes and drift off into a peaceful sleep, Cas’ untold feelings still bothering me.

I am asleep for a while, until I wake up with an extremely dry throat. Must be because of that wine I drank during dinner. I attempt to swallow the dryness down, but am unsuccessful.

With a sleepy groan, I slip out of bed and leave to get a glass of water.

I frown when I see Sam sitting up on his tablet, a notebook balancing on his knee. “What you doing up so late? It’s like 2am.”

“Couldn’t sleep so I’m drawing the knives and their markings. Might I ask you the same question?”

“Got a dry throat. Water.” I reply, pointing towards the tap.

“Wine?”

“Wine.” I confirm, grabbing a glass from the cupboard.

**Castiel’s POV**

I am jolted awake, my heart beating wildly. I think I just had a nightmare, which was well….really quite terrifying. I was alone again. No Dean or Sam, just me. I was injured and helpless, listening my brother’s tormenting laugh echoing through the room I was in inside the dream.

However, before long, I realise that the nightmare caused something worse. There is a huge uncomfortable pressure in my lower abdomen and…oh god no. _No no no no no._ One of my hands shoots down to grip my crotch in a pathetic effort to keep my bladder from spilling. I glance to my right In hope of seeing Dean, but he isn’t there. Panicking further and shaking wildly, I press my thighs tightly together, trying to stop my bladder from releasing. If I have an accident now, Dean will never forgive me. I can’t help it, why am I so desperate? Dean is going to hate me. What do I do? I can’t move my injured leg either. I’m so desperate, what if I can’t hold it?!

“D-Dean!” I yelp loudly in desperation, the word catching in my throat slightly. I breathe heavily, and it‘s just too late. I can feel a hot wetness spreading around my lower half. “No…” I whimper quietly, tears pricking my eyes. I can’t keep it in at all, and it annoyingly keeps on going and going until I am lying in my own puddle.

I manage to hold the last of it back, but the effort is near to overwhelming.

At this moment, Dean appears at the door, worry in his eyes. Sam follows him in.

The older brother rushes around to my side of the bed and crouches down so we are at eye level, not knowing what has happened because of it being covered by the many blankets. “Cas, what’s wrong?”

I say nothing, grasping at the covers uncomfortably.

“Come here, let’s get you up.” He says pitifully when a tear falls from my eye.

“N-No!” I decide, holding the blankets more in place to hide what happened. If they find out that I wet the bed, they’ll never forgive me. Dean will be so disappointed in me. “Just a nightmare.”

Dean notices me grab at the covers, and frowns sympathetically but suspiciously.

“Buddy, what is it?” He asks softly. If I wasn’t so hung up with my humiliation, I might have noticed that he looks like he already knows the answer to that question.

“N-nothing.” I turn my head away from him to hide my tears and red face from embarrassment. Only children have accidents like this. Not men. _Not angels._

“Cas, whatever it is, I’ll understand.” He assures, trying to get the blankets out of my hands. I grip tighter. “Hey, look at me.” Dean says, and I risk looking into his green eyes. “Let me help. Whatever happened, I’m not going to think any different of you. We’re not going to judge you at all. I promise.”

Dean’s warm hand wraps around my clammy cold one, and he pries the blankets out of my grip which has now become loose. He pulls the blankets down slowly and once again, I look away, now understanding the human term of feeling like you could ‘die of embarrassment’.

“Oh Cas.” Dean whispers softly when he sees the huge wet patch on my grey sweatpants that has spread across most of me from the waist down. I assume Sam sees too, because he leaves the room, muttering something about getting a washing basket.

I choke back a sob, overwhelmed, still looking away from the hunter. “I-I’m so s-sorry Dean.” I stutter out, shifting uncomfortably, feeling the wetness soaking more into my clothes because of there being so much of it pooling around my waist.

“This why you shouted me?” He asks with sadness in his eyes, putting his hand on my shoulder.

I nod weakly, still failing to make eye contact with my friend. I’m a foolish, dirty disgrace that has the sense of a child.

 “Alright. Come on, sit up for me.” He says, putting his hand behind my back and helping me sit up.

I finally look into his eyes, my own still producing tears that won’t stop flowing down my face. They are doubly annoying because it reminds me of what just happened even more – not being able to control the flood barriers. Oh, why did I word it like that? I flush redder if at all possible.

“Don’t worry, okay? It was just an accident. Accidents happen.” Dean assures, patting my shoulder while his other hand rubs my back soothingly.

“Not to people my age.” I mumble sadly.

“Yeah but that’s the thing, Cas. You’re still learning how. There’s no reason to be ashamed because you’ve only been human once before and even that was for a relatively short period of time. It’s okay, I promise.”

“But it’s dirty! And stupid! And foolish and-“ I am cut off from my little yell with another sob.

Dean comes closer and encloses me in a hug, his hand finding its way to my hair. He strokes the back of my head and truth be told, it does make me feel a little better. “It’s not dirty, Cas.” He whispers, hugging tighter. “It’s natural.” He finishes, pulling back and making eye contact with me. His thumb wipes a tear off my cheek.

Feeling a bit calmer, my panicked breathing - from the whole desperation to release to humiliation thing – begins to even out.

“Now come on, let’s get you up.” Dean decides, hauling me up from under my arms. When I stand, anything I managed to actually hold back leaves my body. The new wetness travels down my legs and pools around my feet on the floor “…no.” I quietly whimper again, looking down at the mess I have made of myself and the floor. I visibly cringe, which Dean notices.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s okay. It’s alright. It’s better to let it out anyway. You’re going through a lot of stuff right now, there’s a lot on your mind, it’s understandable.” Dean assures before leading me to the bathroom and closing the door. “Sam’s gonna sort out the bed and I’m gonna help you get clean, so you got nothing to worry about, kay?”

I nod, still having so many things I want to get off my chest and tell Dean.

The hunter pulls on the tap of the bath before helping me pull my shirt over my head and moving me to the counter so I can hang on to it. “Cas. It’s completely up to you, but I’d advise you take your boxers off. You’ll feel cleaner. Plus, it’s a bubble bath, so you’ll be hidden anyway.”

“O-okay.” I agree and Dean pulls my wet pants down and gets each foot out before standing up, looking into my eyes. “Don’t be embarrassed, Cas. It’s okay, I promise.” He says, pulling my boxers down, not breaking our eye contact so he doesn’t make me any more uncomfortable than I already am.

Once my boxers are off, Dean helps me down into the bath which is now full of nice, warm water. There are bubbles surrounding me, and as promised, they block any view of my private assets.

Dean makes sure I’m comfortable before letting go of me and leaning down to pick up my discarded clothes from the floor. “I’ll be back in a second.” He says, leaving the room.

I told Sam everything yesterday. Everything from me assuming they want me gone to still being traumatized from those…sexual acts that I was coerced in to. I also think I said something that confused him slightly. When I was talking about how much Dean meant to me, he gave me an unsure yet knowing look as if he knows something I don’t even know myself.

I just want all of this helplessness to stop, but I can’t while I’m carrying this huge burden of _feeling_ and _emotion._

**Dean’s POV**

I close the bathroom door to give Cas some space. Sam has finished taking the bed sheets and blankets up, and has moved on to the floor where Cas had another little accident when he got out of bed.

He looks up at me, sympathy for the angel filling his eyes and I shrug, shaking my head pitifully before crossing the room to the washing basket and tossing Cas’ dirty pyjamas into it.

“He’s so embarrassed.” I groan quietly, feeling so sorry for the guy.

“Dean, he wet the bed, of course he’s embarrassed.” Sam points out and I glare at him.

“Didn’t you say earlier that he thought I was going to kick him out if he embarrasses himself again?”

“Yep.” Sam confirms, as if he knew I was going to ask that.

“Shit.”

“You need to speak to him, Dean, there’s a hell of a lot on his mind.”

“You think I don’t already know that? I feel crappy enough for treating him like a piece of shit before, and now this? He thinks I hate him and want him gone? I have never felt so proud of myself.” I finish, the sarcasm in my voice so thick you could cut it with a knife.

“Get back in there and help him then.” Sam shrugs, finishing up on the floor. Luckily the mattress had a plastic sheet over it so only the bed sheets need changing. “I’ll remake the bed, just go back to Cas, Dean.”

I nod and open the bathroom door, entering slowly, finding Cas in the same position as before, stone still. The bandage that was wrapped around his leg is scrunched up in a ball on the floor.

Pulling the chair closer to the bath tub, I sit down and watch Cas stare at nothing in particular, clearly in a bit of shock from everything that just happened.

“You’re not going to ask me to leave this time?” Cas asks surprisingly calmly.

“No, Cas. I’m so sorry about last time, so sorry. But this time, I’m not letting you leave my side.” I assure and he relaxes a little.

“Do you promise? I-I don’t want to be alone.” He looks up at me with his hopeful, big, blue eyes.

“I promise.” I smile. After a moment, a thought crosses my mind, “Cas, did you go to the bathroom before you went to bed?”

“…no. I-I didn’t.” He admits.

“There we go, there’s the root of the problem right there. You gotta pee before bed so you don’t need to go during the night. Yeah?” Not gonna lie, I feel like I’m talking to a five year old. Not that I particularly have a problem with that, I just feel sorry for Cas because he’s clearly so clueless about all of the little tricks us humans have come up with to make life a little bit easier. And yeah, that includes going to the bathroom before bed.

“Yeah.” He mumbles.

“Wait…is there something else?” I ask softly, and the angel nods unsurely.

“I-um-I woke up from a bad dream, that’s all. I think the dream was the main reason I woke up so close to having  the…the accident. It…well, it scared me.”

“We can talk about it later, okay? I want to know everything. I’m here for you.”

The angel nods lamely, his left hand swirling the water around making the bubbles twist in a mini whirlpool.

He seems so down. I don’t blame him. He’s just sitting there sadly, not really making any effort to get himself clean. I guess he doesn’t really want to be here right now, all exposed and everything.

I dip my hand into the water before running it through Cas’ hair. He’s very tense, but I continue anyway until it is wet enough for some shampoo or something. While I am rubbing the soapy substance through his hair, I notice him watching me out of the corner of his eye. The angel doesn’t say anything, he just waits silently.

It remains like that until he is done and in clean, dry clothes. The only time Cas spoke was to thank me for helping him ‘ _again’_ apparently. Now he has some clean sweats on and another t-shirt (that actually fits) along with Sam’s hoodie that he had adopted a couple of days ago.

When we leave the bathroom, we find that Sam has remade the bed with clean everything, and everywhere is spotless, like nothing ever happened. I’ll have to remember to thank my brother.

Cas stops walking when I try and get him towards the bed. “Do you need something?” I ask, looking at Cas who has now pulled the hood up and is basically hiding behind it.

“No, I just, um, I’m not tired anymore.” He lies, and I can tell he’s lying because there are bags under his eyes and he keeps nearly falling asleep.

“Yeah you are. Tell me what you’re thinking, Cas.” I tell him, keeping my tone soft.

“I don’t want to go to sleep.” He admits, looking at me. “ _I’m not tired.”_ I am slightly taken aback by his slightly harsher tone, and all I can do is go along with it. Though I don’t fail to notice the guilt in his eyes that was there before he even snapped at me. I’ve never known Cas to be like that after a simple question, so there is definitely something else bothering him enough that he doesn’t want to fall asleep again. It’s pretty obvious _why_ he doesn’t anyway.

“Ok, ok. Why don’t we go see if there’s anything on the TV.” I decide, leading us into the living room and making room for us on the couch next to Sam, who is sitting on the floor doodling in his notebook.

I turn on the television, turning the sound nearly all the way down. Sam gets up and heads for the bathroom, and Cas watches him curiously. He must be trying to make sense of when to go or something. I also look over at where Sam left the room, but my attention is turned back to Cas when he grabs hold of my hand tightly, clearly trying _so, so_ hard to keep his eyes open.

“Cas, you don’t need to be afraid of falling asleep.” I assure, squeezing his hand back, quite enjoying the contact.

“What if it happens again?” He asks with fear in his voice. I put my arm around him.

“It won’t happen again Cas. You know now that you should go before bed, even if you feel like you don’t need to. It just means that you won’t need to go during the night, that’s all. Also, you need to try and tell me you need the bathroom before you get desperate. When you first feel it, you just gotta think ‘ _ok, I need the bathroom, I should go’._ Kay?” I ask and he nods. “And _if_ it does happen again, _if,_ I won’t mind. Nobody will. We’re not going to think any less of you Cas. But that doesn’t even matter because it _won’t_ happen again.”

“I don’t want another nightmare. It scared me and-”

“And I’ll be here for you. You don’ have to face any of this alone. I’m right here.” I assure, rubbing Cas’ shoulder, and his eyes close slowly. Not long after, his head is tucked comfortably into the crook of my neck.

I feel myself slowly dropping off, my hand still gripped firmly in Cas’.

Finally content and peaceful, I fall asleep, appreciative of the warmth radiating from the angel’s body.


	8. Dad...Help Me

**8:07am**

There is a loud noise which wakes me up with a jolt. I glance to my right and find that Cas is no longer next to me.

“Sorry Dean!” Someone says from the kitchen, and when I blink the tiredness out of my eyes I see that it is Alex. She dropped a spoon on the floor.

The others are all eating cereal as well, but I don’t see Cas.

“It’s okay.” I say, standing up and walking over to them, grabbing a bowl for myself. “Where’s Castiel?”

“He’s out back. Said he wanted to be alone for a while.” Jody answers gesturing to the back door which is cracked open slightly.

I shrug, but can’t help but feel a little worried about him. That was a very rough night for him, he can’t be too happy right now.

“Oh, okay.” I pour some milk on my cereal, “has he eaten anything?”

“Just some orange juice. I just hope it doesn’t make him sick again. It shouldn’t though, I mean, his fever’s nearly gone now. As long as he takes it easy.” Sam decides, handing me a spoon so I can dig in.

I lean against the counter when a new conversation starts, “Jody, have you seen my white chucks, I can’t find them.” Alex asks.

“Nah, sorry.”

“I think I have.” Says Claire, looking up at nothing in particular in an effort to remember “I think they’re under the dresser in the hallway.”

“Thanks.” Alex walks off to where the front door is, kneeling down and looking underneath the dresser, spotting her shoes.

“Where you off to?” Jody asks after swallowing a mouthful of toast.

“I’m going to the movies with Annie, Lily and Jamie.”

“Oh, cool, what you seeing?” Sam asks.

“Guardians of the galaxy.”

“Dork!” I shout through a laugh.

“You can’t say a thing about being a dork, princess. We all know you love Star Trek and Hunger Games.” Alex shouts back, and I receive a couple of ‘ _oooooohhhhhs’_ from Jody, Sam and Claire.

I glare at them all. It was just that one time ages ago that I fancied Jennifer Lawrence and watched Hunger Games like four times. That _one_ time.

They all laugh and Alex leaves after shouting a quick “bye!”

Sam places his empty bowl down on the counter, “right, I’m gonna go carry on drawing out these daggers.”

“I can help if you want.” Claire suggests and my brother nods. They both leave.

Jody smiles at me and comes closer. “I heard what happened last night.” Her voice sounds motherly and it makes me feel better that there is someone else here that actually had a child who had that problem.

“I don’t know what to do.” I admit, finishing my cereal.

“You’re doing great Dean.”

“How is he?”

“Very quiet. Didn’t want any help with anything.”

“He’s so mortified about it.” I shake my head.

“I’m sure he is, but he’ll get over it. He’s strong.”

“Yeah, I’ve been telling myself that. There’s just so much crap that he isn’t telling me, I don’t know how to speak to him.”

“When the time comes, you’ll know. It’ll be fine.” Jody assures, patting my shoulder. “Now, if you don’t mind, I got some laundry to do.”

“No, it’s okay, me and Sam will do it. You’re being too good to us.”

“Nah! Don’t worry about it.” She assures, walking away.

I take a deep breath and make my way outside. Cas is sitting on the porch swing, staring blankly at the trees surrounding us.

I sit down next to him and he completely ignores my presence.

“Cas, how are-“

“Shh.” He cuts me off, seeming a little, well, sensitive.

“What’s the matter with you, huh?” He doesn’t answer and I start to get a bit frustrated already. “Cas.”

“Nothing, Dean.” He snaps.

“Do you wanna talk or not?”

“Please. Not now.”

“But I’m worried about you-“

“Not now!” His voice goes deep and harsh, “I’m sorry, just, _please,_ just leave me alone.”

“I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.”

“ _Please_ go, I can’t talk about things right now. Please.”

Ok, now I’m getting annoyed.

“Dammit, Cas, what is _the matter_? You’re all sensistive.”

“I’m not talking about it.”

“Why?!”

“Because I don’t want to!”

“Why can’t you just tell me?!”

“Because I’m fed up of all the sympathy!” He shouts.

“You’re the one that’s been crying every day, not us! If you don’t want any sympathy, stop acting like a child! I’m trying to help you out here and you’re just brushing me off! You were sad as hell last night, and now you’re angry at me for trying to check on you? If you’re going to be like this all the time now, maybe you _can_ just leave.”

He suddenly looks at me, pure hurt showing right through his eyes to the core.

I realise my mistake and suddenly feel so, so guilty.

“Cas, I’m sorry-“

The hurt turns to anger.

“You’re sorry?! Really Dean? YOU PROMISED YOU WOULN’T MAKE ME LEAVE AGAIN! OR ARE YOU GOING TO JUST _TOSS_ ME ASIDE LIKE THE LAST TWO TIMES? YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT WAS UP LAST NIGHT, WELL FINE! I HAD A NIGHTMARE WHERE I WAS ALONE AND ABANDONED AND FUCKING TERRIFIED, SO YEAH, I’M A BIT ‘ _SENSITIVE’_ RIGHT NOW. I’M SO FUCKING FED UP OF YOU TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF CRAP!!!” He stands up and leans against one of the wooden beams that is supporting the overhanging roof of the decking.

“Cas, stop, you’re going to make yourself ill and hurt your leg.” I say quietly, in shock about Cas going from 0 to 60.

“I DON’T FREAKING CARE ANYMORE, DEAN! I’M FED UP OF BEING SO HELPLESS AND MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF. I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE.”

It’s only been a few days since he got injured. He’s this worked up already? Oh wait, yeah, the whole building up thing. He’s been feeling like this for a long while.

I notice out of the corner of my eye that Sam, Claire and Jody are watching the whole thing, seemingly on standby for the inevitable.

“Cas-“

“DON’T SPEAK TO ME. I’M FED UP OF ALL OF THE BULLSHIT. MAKE YOUR DAMN MIND UP, DEAN! DO YOU REALLY WANT ME GONE??” He punches the wooden beam hard.

And again.

“No, of course I don’t, I didn’t mean-“

“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST YOU, HUH? I TRUSTED YOU LAST TIME AND TWO MINUTES LATER YOU DITCHED ME AND I WAS ALL ALONE….so alone…”

I stand up, noticing that he is in near to unbearable pain from standing up. I try to help him but he shrugs my hand off.

“Get off me!” He shouts, quieter and weaker than last time. “Just…leave me alone.”

“Cas, please-“

“I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE, DEAN. I CAN’T, I JUST FUCKING CAN’T.”

“Cas, stop it now!”

His fist collides with my face and I stumble back, but it doesn’t do much. No broken bones or torn skin.

Sam and Jody rush out and hold his arms back when he goes to hit me again.

I want to feel angry, but I just can’t.

Cas manages to break free and starts punching the beam repeatedly. Sam tries to get a hold of him but Cas knocks him aside forcefully. His knuckles are battered and bloody, but he carries on, “MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE GOD, DAD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. I CAN’T COPE. I’M BEGGING YOU DAD, PLEASE!” Cas screams at the top of his lungs, but somehow I can tell that despite the angry tone, there are tears flowing down his cheeks.

I return to his side and pull his hands away from the beam. He goes to hit me again, but I catch his fist in time. He tries to hit me with his other fist but I catch that one too because he is considerably weaker than before, and I manage to pry his fingers open until they are interlocked with my own.

“Goddammit!” He cries out in pain and anger, tears streaming down his face as I assumed. I only just manage to catch him when he falls to the ground, crying in pain, still shaking from the raw anger coursing through him.

I pull the angel closer to me so his face is pressed against my chest. He lets it all out, crying and crying and crying. It just doesn’t stop. He’s having an absolute meltdown.

“Everyone away. Now!” I demand, and everyone clears off. I catch Sam’s eye and mouth ‘painkillers’ and he nods.

Cas shakes in my arms as he lets out a heart-wrenching cry out.

He continues to cry loudly as the vicious sobs wrack his body, and I feel tears pricking at my own eyes from watching my best friend go through this.

I rub his back with my hand and rest my chin on the top of his head, just the two of us sitting here.

“Sorry, Dean. I-“ He is cut off by his own whimper, the tears still falling freely.

“Shhh.” I hush, encouraging him to just get it out. The last thing he needs to do is explain himself right now.

One of my own tears falls down my face as Cas carries on bawling his eyes out into my chest. He’s gripping onto my shirt so tightly it must be hurting his knuckles.

“It’s alright.” I lift my head up and pull him all the way into my lap so he is more comfortable.

I hug him closer and put my hand on the side of his head, pulling it back into my chest. He seems so small like this, so vulnerable.

Finally, the worst of the crying tapers off and turns into whimpering and sniffling.

I stroke the back of his head to soothe him.

Sam returns with a needle, and I nod, showing he should come closer. “Cas, it’s just painkillers, it’s Sam.” I say when we pull one side of his pants down to get to his thigh. We can’t get right next to the injury, but close enough.

Cas doesn’t seem to care apart from flinching a bit when Sam pushes the needle into his leg. It is soon done, and Sam lets his pants twang back into place. Advantages of an elasticated waistband I guess.

The crying has stopped altogether, and Cas has his eyes closed. They are still watery, but he seems to be concentrating breathing at the minute.

I feel Sam behind me supporting my own back with his hands because I am admittedly slightly uncomfortable. I’m trying to hold Cas in place while sitting bolt upright on the wooden floor. I wouldn’t move for anything right now, though.

My best friend just had a freaking breakdown, of course I’m not going to move. I sigh and continue stroking his head until he pushes against me gently, trying to sit up.

I let him and he looks down at his hands. “Sorry.” Cas murmurs.

“Don’t be sorry. _I_ should be sorry. I shouldn’t have said any of that to you.”

“Me neither.”

“Equals?” I smile and he returns it with an unconvincing one, but either way it doesn’t stay on his face for long.

“Dean.” He says.

“Hmm?”

“I feel sick.” He admits, one of his hands clutching his stomach. I’m not surprised really. All of that shouting and crying must have shaken him up so much. Not to mention the pain from his leg.

“Okay. Think you can stand?”

He nods and Sam circles us, supporting Cas under his arms and hauling him up out of my lap.

I stand up stiffly and take Cas from Sam, helping him inside. Jody is holding a washing up bowl in her hands clearly still on standby.

Claire is also standing, watching the scene before her. She looks sad and Jody puts an arm around her in reassurance that Cas will be okay. Maybe she should speak to him. It would make his day.

Sam helps me sit Cas down on the sofa. I sit next to him, putting my arm around him like last night, knowing that any minute now he’s gonna to throw up. Jody sits on the other side of him.

“Claire, can you go and get a wet flannel?” Jody asks and the girl complies, rushing off to get one.

As promised, Cas lurches forward and Jody dives in quick with the bowl, holding it in place for him when he finally throws up. As she is beside Cas, Sam sits in front of him on the coffee table, placing his hand on the angel’s knee. It’s good that we are all around him because he’s not going to feel alone. He’s going to understand that he is supported and we are here for him.

Cas coughs and more comes up, but there isn’t really much anyway. He hasn’t eaten anything for a while.

I rub his back until he finishes, and Claire returns with the washcloth, handing it to me. I wipe it across Cas’ mouth after a couple of minutes, sure that he’s completely done. “Okay, looks like we’re back on the ginger ale, buddy.” I decide, folding the cloth in half before wiping the beads of sweat from his forehead.

He hums in agreement tiredly, resting his head on my shoulder.

Sam takes the bowl out of Jody’s hands and takes it to the bathroom to wash out.

Claire hands me a blanket and I drape it over Cas, smiling at her in thanks.

Both Jody and Claire then go to return to what they were doing before, leaving us alone.

“You could’ve said something.” I say softly.

“I know. Didn’t know how to bring it up.” Cas replies, taking a deep breath.

“It’s okay.” I reply. “Anything else on your mind?”

“Well, there’s-um, no.”

I nod, knowing he’s lying, but that must be the thing that Sam said he’d tell me in his own time, and I respect that. I’m just glad he got all of that other stuff out. However, I don’t know what he meant when he asked his dad (well, God) to make ‘it’ stop. Does he mean the pain? The emotions? …His life? I didn’t realise that Cas was still hurting about God leaving and everything. That dickbag needs to come and comfort his son or so help me I will hunt him down.

“Dean?” Cas asks even though a minute ago he said he didn’t have anything to say.

“Yeah?”

“…you don’t actually want me gone do you?”

“No, Cas. I wouldn’t dream of it. I didn’t mean that at all, I promise. I would never want that. Ever.”

“Is your face okay?” He asks.

“What?” I ask, completely confused. What?

“I punched you.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine. See, I already forgot.” I laugh.

“Sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep apologising Cas,” I chuckle “it’s fine.”

“Apologising makes me feel better.” He admits.

“Oh, it’s okay then. Keep apologising bitch.” I joke and he laughs weakly.

His voice is even deeper when he laughs, and it’s as if the vibrations of it run through his whole body and into mine because _I_ can feel it too. I watch him smiling to himself, knowing there is complete adoration in my eyes.

I feel it.

A weird swelling in my heart that I’ve never felt before. It makes me feel sick, happy, sad, excited and other feelings that I don’t even know what they are. I feel like my lungs shrivelled up and my stomach is doing flips.

Cas looks up at me, the smile on his face remaining to be bright and vibrant. His face has some colour now and his eyes are bluer than the sky on a summers day. Pure and kind.

My name is Dean Winchester and I am in love with Castiel, an angel of the lord.


	9. Something Good Happens For Once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve always liked Cas. The only problem has been me not admitting to myself that I wanted this to happen. All of the crap we’ve been through together has bonded us in ways like no other. All of the mistakes, bad decisions, good decisions, everything. Only now am I beginning to realise that maybe, just maybe, the little light in my life that keeps me going is this angel. And only now am I realising how much I’ve wanted to do this for so long. I can’t see my life without Cas anymore. This little blue-eyed, high frequency wave is who I have fallen for, and I couldn’t be more happy. I don’t have a proper home, but I have my car, my brother and my angel, and that is more than I could possibly ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DESTIELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

**Castiel’s POV**

After losing it earlier, I feel much better now. Dean went out for a drive with Sam after I promised I’d be okay. They’re just going to get some fresh air apparently. Jody is here anyway.

What I don’t understand though is why Dean was looking at me like that earlier. He seemed so happy and sad at the same time. I could see it all in his eyes. Maybe he was feeling the same thing as me. Something deep.

It’s because of this that I was so hurt earlier, when he mentioned me leaving again. I feel like if he is taken away from me, I will never truly be happy. It’s like a nagging sensation in my heart, but I just don’t understand it at all.

Although, despite everything, I sigh contently. Sitting outside feels so good after being stuck inside for a few days. Nothing can compare to nature and its fresh air.

There is a small knock on the door and I turn to look who it came from.

“Hey Castiel.” Claire greets almost shyly. That’s not like her at all. At. All.

“Hello.” I reply, smiling. “You want to sit down?” I gesture to the empty space next to me on the porch swing.

“Yeah, sure.” She agrees before sitting next to me.

We enjoy the sound of the trees blowing for a couple of minutes until Claire holds something out to me.

“What is that?”

“It’s an iPod, doofus.” She clarifies, and I reluctantly take it from her hand. “Keep it.”

“No, I can’t, it’s yours.” I decide, trying to give it back.

“Please no. I have the latest model, I don’t need that old thing, or the headphones. Trust me, it’s _yours.”_ She pushes my hand back and I turn the device around in my hands carefully. “I put some tracks on there that have a feeling you’ll like. All you have to do is put the headphones over your ears and press this play button here.” She points to a button with a sideways triangle on.

I frown and smile at the same time, “thank you.”

“Thought it might help you relax.” She admits, looking back at me. “Castiel?”

“Mhmm?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Everything. I’m sorry I took everything out on you for what happened to my parents. You didn’t deserve the rough time I was giving you at all. I know you were just trying to help. I didn’t listen to you, but you carried on helping me anyway, even when I took your wallet.” She laughs, but her words are serious.

“Claire, I understand.”

“You don’t, Cas. I’m saying I messed up and you have to agree with me, kay?”

“Um, okay?”

“Yeah.” She laughs. “But, look, let’s start fresh. I want to make it up to you for being a pain in the arse most of the time.”

“You don’t have to do that, Claire. I’ll always forgive you.”

“Oh god, you’re too kind, Cas. Can you not be mad or anything?” She laughs again and I smile, happy that she is actually speaking to me. “I mean it, you know. You’re such a modest, caring guy. Dean and Sam are so lucky to have you as their best friend.”

“Thank you.” I reply, thinking about how I feel about Dean.

“Oh would you just come here already?” She asks, opening her arms. I hug her back happily and squeeze her shoulders.

“Your father would be so proud of you.” I assure, and she looks at me sadly.

“You know, you’re not my real dad, but I wouldn’t want anyone but you to replace him.”

I squeeze her in the hug once more before letting go. She smiles and goes to stand up.

“Claire, wait.” I ask, feeling a little nervous.

“Yeah?”

“Um…what is love?”

She makes a shocked face and is suddenly properly engaged in this conversation.

“Why?” She asks, amused and curious.

“I, uh, I think I’m in it.” I admit, feeling my face go slightly red.

“With who?”

“Nobody in particular.” I say quickly.

“Is it one of your angel women? Or one of your angel _guys_? I’m not judging here.”

“Well, no, not exactly-“

“Is it Sam?”

“…no.”

She laughs, “Dean?”

I rub the back of my neck.

She suddenly goes serious, “oh my god it is.” She gasps, and I smile nervously. “Have you told him?”

“No.” I admit.

“Oh, I am so getting you two together before you leave here. _Finally,_ one of you admits it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You two have been undressing each other with your eyes for _years._ ”

“I don’t understand. I don’t think it’s possible to remove someone’s clothes with-“

“Never mind. It’s just. Okay, basically, what I mean is that everyone knows you are in love with each other apart from you.”  

“Oh, well, is that a good thing?”

“No way. You two need to get together, like, now.”

“What if doesn’t love me back? What happens when-“

“That’s the point though, Cas. You will never know whether or not he likes you too if you don’t try. All you need is 20 seconds of courage. 20 seconds. That’s it.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“Well, I’ve gotta admit, fanfictions out there definitely have some cool tips. And before you you ask, no, I ‘m not going to explain what they are. Your innocence would be ruined.”

“How am I supposed to tell him?”

“You don’t always have to speak, you know. The whole _actions speak louder than words_ thing works with guys more than feelings I think.”

“So, then how do I show him?”

“You’ll know.” She smiles, standing up. “Why don’t you two go out into the forest tomorrow or something? It’s supposed to be really sunny.”

“I’d like that.” I decide, smiling at her. She smiles back, getting up and going over to the door. “Thanks for the iPod.”

“No problem.” She goes back inside, but I hear her say “ I can’t believe this is finally happening!”

Feeling even happier than before, I put the headphones over my ears and press play on the iPod. A flood of music starts playing and I listen to it thoughtfully.

***

**Dean’s POV**

**Later**

I burst through the front door happily, feeling good after driving around for a while to clear my head. Although, of course, I am so excited to see Cas and check he’s okay.

“Hey guys, how was it?” Jody asks, in a jovial mood.

“Awesome.” I breathe, looking around for Cas.

“Cas is out back, Dean.” Claire tells me as she fills up a glass of water for herself.

“Thanks.” I smile, making my way outside.

I am surprised when I see Cas sitting on the bench with his eyes closed, and a pair headphones pulled over his ears.

I savour the sight before me until he realises someone is watching and opens his eyes. He removes the headphones and they rest on his neck. “Claire gave me an iPod.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” I laugh, sitting down next to the angel. It’s so good to see him. “Pass it here a sec.” I say, holding my hand out. He hands me the iPod and I scroll through the songs, laughing and frowning at what he is listening to. “Pink Floyd. You like it?”

“I do now.”

“Have I had no influence on you at all? I’m almost offended. No ACDC? Even though everything on there is still cool to be fair.” I joke and he smiles warmly at me. That smile. I kind of just want to kiss him right now. Not gonna lie. I realise I am staring at his lips so I hand him his iPod back, clearing my throat awkwardly. “How you feeling?”

“Better.” He smiles, folding the wire around the headphones. “Much better.”

“Awesome.”

“How was your drive?”

“…liberating.” I decide, seeing no other word to describe how it felt.

“I’m sorry if what I said earlier hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean any of it.”

“I know you didn’t, Cas. Although, is this what was up with you the day before when you wanted to talk about something?”

“Sort of.”

I nod. “I think Jody’s got some food going. Think you can eat?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty hungry.”

“Coming inside?”

Cas nods happily and we make our way in together.

Alex is laying plates on the table while Sam is in the kitchen helping Jody to mash some potatoes.

“Dean, Cas, what drinks you having?” Claire shouts from the kitchen when I sit Cas down and then sit myself.

“Beer for me and ginger ale for Cas please.”

“Kay.”

“Thanks Claire.” Cas also shouts.

I look at him, “you two finally getting on then?”

“She said we should start over. I’m more than willing to do that.”

“Finally.” I laugh, “no more wallet stealing and father-like scolding.”

“Yeah.” Cas agrees, watching  Sam and Jody enter with plates full of what looks like steak pie. Cas is still on crackers though. Better safe than sorry.

Before long, everyone is sat down eating and laughing. Cas seems to be happy so there are no worries there.

“How was the movie, Alex?” Jody asks, sipping her beer.

“So good. Baby Groot rocked it.”

There are a couple of moments of silence.

“I hope I’m not the only one that doesn’t understand that.” Sam decides.

“I don’t either.” I laugh.

“Or me.” Agrees Claire.

“Oh, come on, guys! You know, the little tree man that says. _I. Am. Groot._ Exclusively in that order?”

“I know who Baby Groot is, and Rocket the racoon says something about that in the first film. I think the quote is _‘His vocabulary is limited to I and am and Groot. Exclusively in that order’_.” Cas smiles, clearly proud of himself for knowing a movie reference that me and Sam don’t.

“Yes!” Alex beams, happy that at least _someone_ gets it.

I choke on my mouthful of beer and only just manage to swallow it, “how the hell do you know that Cas?” I laugh, noticing that everyone else is a little shocked too.

“Everyone gets bored.” He shrugs.

Laughing again, I shake my head and place my right hand, which is under the table, on Castiel’s left knee. I see him smile to himself out of the corner of my eye. His left arm is also under the table, and soon I feel his hand on top of mine. His right hand is still above the table so he can hold his fork, but underneath, his other hand is now interlocking fingers with mine.

My stomach flips again and tingle runs up and down my spine. If this is love, it’s terrifying, but I like it.

I see Sam smiling down at his food as if he knows what we’re doing. I hope he doesn’t, but if he does, he better keep his damn mouth shut.

I squeeze Cas’ hand and he grips back. Maybe he likes me as more than a friend too? It would explain a lot, but what if that’s just Cas being Cas? He’s always been closer to me than he needs to be. I just don’t know anymore.

“So, me and Cas were talking earlier.” Claire begins, and I notice Cas look up at her in horror. “It would be cool if he could get some proper fresh air, like go out or something. You up for that, Dean?”

I’m starting to think that music and starting over isn’t the only thing Claire and Cas talked about.

“Uh, yeah. Where?”

“I dunno, just somewhere in the forest. Not for long. Just enough time for you guys to relax and maybe eat some food or something.”

“Yeah, that’d be cool.”

“You could talk about some hunter stuff. Cas has something he wants to _show_ you. It’s very important.”

I’m not sure, but I think I see Claire wink at the angel, and now it’s _his_ turn to choke on his drink.

“Yeah, that’d be great.” I agree, squeezing Cas’ hand again anyway despite all of the suspicious looks that he and Claire are exchanging with each other. “Cas?”

Cas nods and smiles, “yeah.”

I chuckle for no particular reason, apart from the fact that I know Cas has so obviously told Claire something.

***

**11:26pm**

Me and Cas are tucked up in bed, snuggling each other to death. We could not be more comfortable. I never knew so much awesomeness could come from lying so still with someone.

Cas is lying on top of me face down, with his arms wrapped around me while I have my hand in his hair. The blankets are pulled up to our waists so Cas doesn’t get too warm as he still has a bit of a fever. I don’t even care if anyone walks in right now. I can’t be bothered to be bothered. I’m getting the idea that everyone knows how I feel about him after all of this anyway. I just hope he feels the same way.

“You asleep, Cas?”

He hums sleepily which I assume means ‘nearly’.

“Alright.” I smile, reaching over to the lamp and turning it off.

I can’t help but feel slightly nervous for tomorrow. Whatever Cas and Claire talked about includes the both of us. Alone.

I notice that Cas’ breathing has slowed down completely and my own eyes are getting heavier.

Heck, I’m excited for tomorrow but dreading it at the same time. What if I kiss him when he doesn’t want me to? No, I won’t. I won’t let myself.

***

**11am**

While Jody is speaking to Cas about the wildlife in the area, Sam approaches me as I lace up my boots. “Dean, be careful with him, okay?”

“Ok, what is going on?” I ask. This thing has been bothering me since it was first mentioned.

“Nothing, Dean. Just look after Cas.”

“I will.” I laugh in disbelief, “he’ll be fine, I’ll look after him.”

Sam smiles at me and pats my back when I stand.

Cas is by the door, leaning against the wall waiting for me. He’s somehow wearing clothes similar to the ones he was wearing before when he was human. He has his usual black blundstone boots, a green t-shirt, a red hoodie, a light blue dress shirt and some black hiking trousers along with a coat on too.

“We ready?” I ask, pulling a backpack onto my shoulder that has food and water inside.

“I think.” Cas replies, and I go over and put his arm over my shoulders.

“See you later, guys!” I shout back to everyone. We get a couple of _byes_ and _see yas_ before the door closes behind us. It’s a really nice today thankfully. The sun is out but it’s not too warm, or too cold. Just perfect. “Which way you wanna go, Cas?”

The angel looks around at both directions before deciding left. “This way.” He points.

“Alrighty.” I agree, and we start walking through the trees. Well, _I’m_ walking. Cas is hobbling, using me for support. “You okay?”

“Yeah, fine.” He says, “just admiring the scenery.”

We walk slowly and calmly for another twenty minutes until we reach a great place to stop. It’s kind of like a clearing. There is a small lake with a tree next to it. The area with no trees is also filled with lush grass which is inviting.

“Here.” I say, and Cas nods as if he was about to say the exact same thing.

The sun is catching the water of the lake, and birds are chirping overhead. Castiel looks up at the sky, the sunlight catching his eyes and making them even bluer. They are filled with wonder and it just takes my breath straight away.

I lead us over to the tree and help Cas down onto the grass beside it. We’re still in the sun, just not as directly.

Plopping down next to him, I sigh and grab the backpack we brought with us.

I hand Cas a bottle of water. He accepts it thankfully. He starts sipping at it slowly whereas there’s just me right here necking half the bottle.

Cas goes into the bag and pulls out our food. He just has crackers again and I have a BLT. Well, BBLT according to Cas.

“Thanks.” I smile, taking the sandwich from him as he eats a piece of cracker.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it.” He claims, looking out at the rippling water.

“Yeah, peaceful. It’s so nice to get away from it all, y’know?”

“I can agree with that.”

“Um, Cas?”

He turns to me, “yes?”

“Forgive me for bringing it up, but, how are you doing with the whole brother thing?”

“You mean Omandriel?” 

I nod, “it’s just, um. You were raped, Cas. Nobody can get over that easily.”

“No, I suppose not. But, well, I’m okay. I just need to keep reminding myself he’s gone and that I’m safe with you and Sam.”

“…I admire you, you know.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Well, yeah. You’re just so kind to everyone. If another angel needs help, you will help, no matter how little you know about them. Your brothers and sisters know you are a good person, even if they don’t show it on the outside. I wish people would see me like that. All I am is a hunter. The government doesn’t even think I’m alive at the minute. I’m just a nobody. Every decision I make always seems to be the wrong one.”

“Dean,” Cas starts, shifting closer to me so our shoulders are touching, “you know, when Metatron transferred some of his knowledge over to me, I saw everything he has ever read. I know I’ve made my own, terrible mistakes, but I find comfort in the quote: _Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night. That is how galaxies are made._ That applies to you. I admire you too, Dean. Anyone you’ve ever saved owes you their life, including me. Our decisions make us who we are, wrong or right, and you are always trying to make the _correct_ one, Dean. You never get anywhere if you don’t try. Don’t forget that.”

I smile at his words and lay down in the grass, still half a sandwich in my hand. Cas follows suit and we look up at the sky. “I’m so lucky to have you, Cas. I couldn’t wish for a better best mate.”

“I couldn’t either.”

I finish my sandwich and take in a deep breath, enjoying the light breeze that is ruffling my hair. Cas is such a great guy, I have no idea why anyone would want to hurt him. The angel seems to be looking dreamily at the sky, his fingers messing with the zip on his jacket. It’s as if he’s nervous, but he’s done a good job of hiding it so far.

“Seen any bees yet?” I ask him, remembering that one time when he showed up naked covered in bees. It was funny and scary at the same time.

“A few. They like the flowers and their bright colours. The vibrancy of the petals attracts them. Bright, beautiful and, well…appealing,”

“You better watch out then.” I joke, nudging him in the side. He jerks away from me a little, and I look at his face to see if I did something wrong. No. He is stifling a laugh and looks a bit confused at the same time. I can’t tell whether it’s because of my joke or the nudge. Wait…

“Hang on…dude, are you ticklish?” I laugh and he tries to hide his smile. I decide to test my theory by bringing my hand up and pressing my moving fingers on his abdomen.

He lets out the cutest noise and bats my hand away, laughing quietly.

“Oh my god, you are!” I smile, tickling him again and he giggles loudly. He squirms around as I continue to tickle him, moving my hand back to his side.

“D-Dean!” He tries to say, but I just carry on, laughing at him.

“And I thought _Sam_ was ticklish! This is a whole new level.” I get up on all fours to have better access before leaning over him and moving my fingers to his neck.

“I-I-why can’t I s-stop laughing?” Cas gasps through laughs. His usual deep rumbles have turned into little high pitched kitten noises and it just makes me want to tickle him more.

“The curse of tickling!” I laugh out loud and fail to realise that I am now straddling Cas’ hips.

Cas shrinks away from my hand that is still tickling his neck, a beaming smile lighting up his beautiful face.

I finally stop and settle for just admiring the sight before me. Cas is breathing heavily underneath me and a smirk is still plastered on his face. As his face is turned away from me, I can see that small tears have collected at the corners of his eyes from all of the laughter. Can I kiss him now?

Before I know it though, his smile is gone and he is looking up at me, confused. I stare into his sapphire eyes for a few moments, and all that can be heard is Cas’ heavy breathing.

_Fuck it._

I give in, leaning down to place a light kiss to his lips. When I pull back, I realise it couldn’t have been more one-sided.

He shifts underneath me uncomfortably, and I take it as my cue to get off him, coughing awkwardly. Now I’ve blown it. He’s not going to want to be around me at all. Our friendship is ruined no doubt.

Cas props himself up on his arm and avoids eye contact with me, looking in the other direction. “Cas, I’m sorry, I took it too far.” I admit, suddenly hating myself. It was too soon. I notice that the sun is now hidden by a dark cloud. How fitting.

Much to my surprise though, Cas turns back to me, lifts himself up and straddles my own hips. His eyes are full of doubt, but he gazes down at me, licking his lips. I watch him carefully as his eyes flicker down to look at my lips. And slowly, he leans down cautiously before pressing his lips against mine. We stay still for a moment before I move my mouth against his. He follows my lead and you can tell he’s inexperienced, but it’s genuinely the best kiss of my life.

His lips slide against mine gently, and I wrap my arms around him to pull him closer. He tastes like cinnamon, and it’s awesome. I smile into the kiss and I feel Cas smile too, which makes me feel so happy because a minute ago I thought I screwed everything up between us.

The kiss is open-mouthed, and Cas is carding his fingers through my hair. I carry on moving my lips against his and we stay like this for a while. Eyes closed, slow, gentle, beautiful, blissful.

Cas shuffles a little, and I realise that his leg is supporting him and must be getting a bit painful.

I move my hand to the back of his head and grip his back tightly before flipping us around in one swift movement. As soon as our positions are reversed, I lock our lips back together. A perfect fit.

It’s not a desperate kiss. It’s a kiss that is many years overdue. It’s soft and gentle, and I could just go on forever.

I slide my tongue over Cas’ lips and he opens them up further, letting me investigate. Normally when tongues get involved it’s heated and leads to something more, but right now, that is not at all what it is. It’s slow and loving, and the both of us are savouring every second of it.

I’ve always liked Cas. The only problem has been me not admitting to myself that I wanted this to happen. All of the crap we’ve been through together has bonded us in ways like no other. All of the mistakes, bad decisions, good decisions, everything. Only now am I beginning to realise that maybe, _just maybe,_ the little light in my life that keeps me going is this angel. And only now am I realising how much I’ve wanted to do this for _so_ long. I can’t see my life without Cas anymore. This little blue-eyed, high frequency wave is who I have fallen for, and I couldn’t be more happy. I don’t have a proper home, but I have my car, my brother and my angel, and that is more than I could possibly ask for.

The angel grips my back tightly, pulling me close. I place my forearm on the ground above his head and run the tips of my fingers through his soft hair as our lips continue to glide together.

As we have been caught up in the moment, we didn’t notice the spots of rain that started falling from the sky. It gets heavier until it is a full-on down pour. I break the kiss reluctantly and stare into Castiel’s beautiful eyes. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” I admit, breathing heavily.

The rain continues to pour down and we look at each other seriously before bursting out into a small fit of giggles. I’m really glad to see him happy.

I climb off Cas and stand up before grabbing his hand and pulling him up quickly. We both take shelter underneath the tree and sit back down, leaning against the trunk. I wrap an arm around Cas’ shoulders, not caring that the both of us are now soaked. His big blue eyes are resting on me and I smile warmly at him.

I pull him closer and press a smaller kiss to his lips before letting him slip down to rest his head on my chest. I hug him tightly, interlocking our fingers and we just sit there quietly, enjoying the sound of the rain pattering on the ground in front of us.


	10. It's Not Funny, Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out Dean and Cas have a very good day AND night.  
> Prepare for smut.

**3:34pm**

We burst through the door of Jody’s house, both of us in a sort of happy daze.

We’ve decided not to tell anyone about what happened for a while, just until we sort this whole thing out. The only disadvantage is going to be trying to keep our interest in each other under the radar.

Jody rushes over and closes the door behind us. It’s still pouring down out there and me and Cas are basically dripping wet. “Oh my god, you guys are soaked! You should’ve taken an umbrella or something!”

“It was sunny, didn’t think we’d need one.” I chuckle, watching a drop of water fall from my hair down to the floor.

“Oh Cas, did you slip over? You’re covered in grass stains. And you are too, Dean.” Jody notices.

I stare in horror, at a loss for words. We are covered in grass stains from straddling each other during the kiss. We can’t exactly tell them that we got the stains from rolling around in the grass with our tongues stuck down each other’s throats.

“Um…yeah, I had a painful shooting pain in my leg and slipped over on the way back. I accidentally dragged Dean down with me.” Cas saves the day.

“Uh yeah. I was kneeling on the ground for a bit to help him get through it.” I add and Jody thankfully believes everything we say.

“Oh, are you okay now?”

“Yes, I’m fine thank you.” Cas smiles, shivering from the cold water that is trapped in his clothes.

“Yeah, I think we should probably get cleaned up.” I decide, dumping the bag by the door before helping Cas into our bedroom. I close the door behind us and set Cas down on the bed. I pull my shirt off along with my shoes. It feels so good to get that damp thing off.

Cas also toes his shoes off and removes some of his layers until he is down to his green t-shirt and his pants.

We get into the bathroom and I help get his pants off. Once we are both stripped down to our boxers, I reach into the shower and turn the water on.

I personally would’ve preferred to take my boxers off as well because it’s easier to get clean, but Cas made it clear he was uncomfortable and didn’t want to take his own off because I saw him gripping the waistband tightly. It’s understanding that he’d want to do that, so I don’t question it and just go ahead with shower.

The time when the kissing leads to more will be awesome, but I’m going to have to be _so_ careful. The only sexual experiences Cas has had have been bad. Obviously there was the raping, but there was also the time with April which went well during the event, but turns out she was just taking advantage of him for information or something. We all knew he was hurt about that. The rare time he came out of his shell for someone, and he was knocked right back in by that damn reaper. Cas has had slight trust issues since then, and it’s just because of some stupid bitch getting information. The point is, Cas knows sex than nothing other than being taken advantage of and getting hurt. He assumes that doing such things hurts from his experience with Omandriel, and I know he thinks that. You can tell from his occasional nervousness when I move too quickly. So yeah, when we do get there, I’m going to make it freaking awesome for him. Everything will be in _his_ time, not mine. _He_ decides how fast we go and I am more than happy to comply.

Cas gets some shampoo on his hand and rubs it through his hair until there are white bubbles dripping down his face. He’s leaning against the wall so I can actually wash myself too this time without needing to hold him up.

I smile at him, but then find my eyes watching the bubbles as they trail down his chest. He doesn’t even work out, but damn he has a good body.

Realising my jaw has dropped, I lift it back up and look at Cas. He is smiling at me, amused. “I may be wrong, but if I could guess I’d say you were checking me out.”

“That’s my line.”

“I know.” He smiles.

“Bitch.”

“Assbutt.”

I shake my head and look down at the floor as I step closer to him. Once I am close enough so that I can hear his breathing, I tilt my head upwards a little. Cas closes the distance between us and our lips meet. Just like last time, it is soft and gentle, and our lips slide together slowly as we savour every moment.

Cas wraps his arms around my neck and I rest my hands on his waist so we are as close as possible. It takes all of my physical and emotional strength to not let myself get out of control. I need to keep _it_ down. Although, I have no idea how Cas is dealing with this. I mean, he’s pretty inexperienced so it might take him a little longer to get his up. But anyway, that’s not happening right now. We’re perfectly happy snogging like teenagers.

***

After showering, me and Cas went back into the living room where I noticed Claire giving Cas a curious look. He seemed to ignore her by putting his head down, and I saw a small hue of red appear on his face. I’m guessing Claire knows something about this because she was the one that brought up the conversation at the table during dinner. We just talked about where we went. The kiss was not revealed at all.

Now we are all sitting around in the living room, watching some crappy film. Everyone has reached the point of saturation when it comes to conversation. We’re all just lazing around, watching mindlessly.

As it’s quite late, it doesn’t take Sammy long to drop off. He got barely any sleep the last couple of nights so I don’t blame him to be honest.

Claire and Alex went to their rooms not long ago too, and Jody is also yawning.

“Alright, boys, I’m off.” She decides, standing up and making her way to her room.

That just leaves me, Cas and a sleeping Sam.

Cas must have also realised this because he takes my hand, interlocking our fingers. I turn to face him and he smiles tiredly.

“I guess we should go too, hmm?” I ask and he nods.

We get into the room and I close the door. “How’s your fever, Cas?”

“At the minute, it's ok.” He decides.

“Good.” I smile, leaning forwards and pecking his lips. He smiles back at me and it makes my heart flutter. We haven’t been able to do that since having a shower, so it’s nice.

We both manage to get ready pretty quickly and jump into bed. Just like the other nights, Cas lays down half on my chest and I run my fingers through his hair.

“I think we got away with it today. Nobody seems to have suspected anything. Well, apart from Claire. What d’you think, Cas?”

No answer.

“Cas?” I glance down and see that his eyes are closed and he is snoring softly.

Smiling, I run my hand up and down his back. Long day for the angel, I guess.

***

**Castiel’s POV**

**5:30am**

_Dean crawls on top of me, his breathing ragged. I lean up to kiss him and he obliges, pressing his mouth to mine softly. I rake my nails down his bare back and he groans into the kiss, shifting his hips over my own. Gasping, I let Dean deepen the kiss by allowing his tongue into my mouth. The open mouthed kisses become rough and needy, and I find that my hips are bucking up against the hunter’s. He pulls back and looks me in the eyes, a spark of mischief crossing them. He reaches down and trails his fingers along the waistband of my pyjama pants before reaching inside and-_

I gasp in shock, opening my eyes to find I was dreaming. How could my mind think that? My breathing is heavy and I am _so warm._ My heart is hammering in my chest and I can’t stop the images from my dream crossing my mind.

My eyes go wide when Dean shifts in his sleep underneath me, and when I look up, he is not sleeping, he’s just looking down at me, concerned.

“You alright?” He asks, his voice thick with sleep.

“Um, yeah I’m fine.” I lie. That dream was very disturbing, but I can’t decide whether it’s the good kind or the bad kind.

“Cas, I heard you gasp. Nightmare?”

“No.”

“Your leg hurting?”

“Well, no-“

“You need the bathroom?”

“What?-No, it’s, uh-“

“What?” Dean asks, his fingers running through my hair lazily.

“Uhm, well, it-it _was_ a dream but it was quite uh…graphic.”

“How so?”

“It involved uh…me?” I say, as more of a question.

“Was I in it?”

“Sort of.” I mutter, dreading where this is going.

“What was I doing?”

“Uh, stuff.” I reply, purposely keeping this vague.

“Cas, you’re breathing so heavy, what is wrong with you?” He asks, frowning, but he isn’t mad, just curious. I watch him contemplate ideas for a moment before he stops moving, his eyes wide, “wait” I can see when the two pieces of the jigsaw fit together in his mind. “Cas, did you…did you dream about us getting frisky?”

“No.” I reply quickly before realising he’s never going to believe that. “Yes.”

I watch his face, waiting for him to get angry and throw me out of bed but he doesn’t. He bursts out laughing and I flush red, embarrassed. “Shut up, it’s not funny.”

“It so is.” He chuckles, patting my back.

I go to move off of him, but when I do, my hips drag along the mattress and it sends a spark up my spine. Not able to keep in a groan, I look at Dean in shock because of the noise that just left my mouth, and the smile is wiped straight off his face.

“Dude, I think that dream affected you more than you think.”

I roll onto my back before slowly grabbing hold of the covers and pulling them down. It reveals my tented pyjama bottoms and I flush a darker shade of red. The worst thing is, is that Dean knows he’s the one that brought this on in my dream.

“Cas, you’ve managed to get yourself a raging boner. Well done.” He chuckles again, and I shove him with my elbow before sitting up and leaning against the headboard.

“What do I do with it?”

“Well, you either go get a _really_ cold shower or just jack off or something.” He yawns and I look at him, completely confused. “You know what to do, right?”

“Well, I, uh-uhm-“

“Touch yourself.” He clarifies, sitting up beside me when he notices my confusion. “Cas, you’ve touched yourself before, right?”

“…not exactly. When I had sex with April, she was the one that uh-that-well, she did all the-the touching.” I admit, rubbing my neck, embarrassed. “Do you need to be with another person to be able to successfully ‘touch yourself’?”

“Not really. You just gotta think of something that turns you on, but I guess you already managed that bit.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.” I say and Dean chuckles.

“I know, man. We _all_ have awesome dreams sometimes. But anyway, back to business. Are you gonna try touching yourself, Cas? It might actually help relieve some of your tension that’s been building up for the last few days. Of course, in no way do you have to. It's up to you."

“I-I don’t know how, Dean.” I admit, looking at the hunter.

“Uh, I, well-I guess I could talk you through it.”

“I-I don’t-but-does it hurt?”

“No, Cas.” Dean smiles. “Not one bit. It feels good. _Really_ good. So, you up for it?”

“I-I guess.”

“It's ok, you don't have to. Either way, I’m not going anywhere am I.”

“No, it's ok, I'm gonna try it…so, uh, what do I do?”

“Ok,” Dean starts, shuffling closer to me and putting his arm over my shoulders “first you wanna get your pants off. Or just slide them down a bit, your choice.”

Am I sure I want to do this? What if I get scared again? What if it _does_ hurt?

No, if I don’t do this I will never get over what happened with my brother. I need to fight it.

I am reluctant, but gather up enough courage to push my pyjama bottoms down a little.

“And your boxers.” Dean instructs.

“Dean...” I say unsurely.

“It’s ok, buddy, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want.”

I think for a moment. Really, is this what I want? “Yes. I-I want to do this.” Enough of the helplessness. If this is one of the only things I can do on my own to help myself, I will do it.

I grip the waistband of my boxers, realising my hands are shaking. Dean places his hand on top of mine gently, stilling it. He guides my hand down until my boxers are pushed away and my penis is exposed.

“Ok, now just try trailing your fingers along your length.”

Dean lets go of my hand and I do as he says, running my fingers across my penis. It makes my spine tingle and creates a spark of raw pleasure. Images of Omandriel flash across my mind, and I push them as far back as possible. I can still see them, but I carry on anyway.

“Feels good, right?” Dean asks and I nod, repeating the movement again. “Ok, now, this is gonna sound weird, but lick your hand.”

“W-what?” I ask. That definitely _did_ sound weird.

“You’ll see, just do it.”

I slowly bring my hand up and lick it, waiting for Dean to tell me to stop.

“Okay, now wrap your hand around your dick.” I do as he says. “Yep that's right, now move your hand up and down.”

I lift my hand upwards then downwards and it feels incredible. “Oh.” I gasp, moving a bit faster. The licking was for lubrication, I get it now.

“Yeah, and that’s it really. You just need to think of something that turns you on now, and if you want a power-up, run your thumb over the tip. Sometimes touching your balls helps too.”

I take his advice and rub over the head, and before I know it, a moan has escaped my mouth. My heart is beating and I think of the dream with Dean, finding that my hand is now automatically moving even faster.

“There you go.” Dean smiles, squeezing my shoulder.

**Dean’s POV**

Ohmygod. I have never seen anything so damn hot in my life.

Cas is jerking off next to me and I get to watch and help him through it. He’s letting out the most arousing moans and it’s getting me hard as fuck, despite the early hours of the morning. My tiredness may as well have ran out the door and flew to Pennsylvania.

A little nagging voice speaks at the back of my mind, saying _this is a bad idea, Dean. It’s too soon Dean. Stop this now, Dean._ I ignore it. Cas is enjoying himself. _He_ wanted to do this.

“Cas, you gotta be quiet.” I gasp when I feel that I have a boner or my own. “Fuck.” I curse, palming myself through my pyjamas.

“What’s the m-matter?” Cas asks, and his rhythm falters a bit.

“Nothing, I’m just-fuck-you look so hot right now.” The angel blushes and looks down at my hard-on.

“Looks like you need to do this too, Dean.” Cas teases weakly, continuing his own stroking.

“You’d be okay with it?” I ask, my dick rubbing uncomfortably against my boxers when I move.

“Y-yeah.” He breathes, and I notice he’s started twisting his hand when he reaches the top of his length. Jeez, he learns fast.

In a state of desperation, I use my free hand to pull my pants and boxers down, revealing my leaking cock.

I immediately grasp it and start pumping up and down, only being able to think about the sight of Cas before me. “Ah.” I gasp when a spark of pleasure runs through me along with the relief of finally being able to touch myself too.

Cas turns his head towards me and leans forwards, kissing me slowly. I return it immediately and find that Cas is pulling me closer. And I mean closer by him dragging me onto his lap to straddle him. I shift forwards, running my hands through Cas’ hair. He is gripping my back tightly, still bringing us closer and not once breaking the kiss.

I let go of myself for a brief moment and move my hand forward, finding Cas’ hand and taking hold of it so he stops for a second.

I break the kiss, listening to our heavy breathing before suggesting “let me?”

Cas nods and I move my hips closer until I feel Cas’ dick against mine. I move my hips up and we both groan at the friction. The angel whimpers, all of these new sensations alien to him. “It’s okay, buddy. I got you.” I assure before taking hold of both of us and moving my hand up and down, our mixed precome making it easy to move.

Cas smashes his lips against mine again before moaning loudly into my mouth. It just makes me even more aroused.

We continue like this for a few more minutes until Cas starts stuttering and groaning quietly to himself. I speed up the movement of my hand, and I can feel myself getting close as well.

“D-oh Dean-“ Cas stutters, about to let go.

“Let go, Cas. I’ve got you. Let go.” I whisper into his ear, and with one jerk, Cas gasps and freezes up.

“Dean!” He cries, and I have to kiss him so he is muted. If I let anyone hear us, I would literally want to die of embarrassment.

Cas’ cock twitches in my hand and he comes hard all over his chest. I look at the man before me and stroke myself a few more times before I am set off too, my come joining Cas’ on his and my own body.

Breathing heavily, I let my arms and legs give way, flopping down on the bed next to Cas. He looks completely dazed, just sitting there breathing like that.

“…so yeah. That’s how.” I decide and Cas looks at me, amazed.

“Huh.” He breathes, his lips swollen from kissing me, his tousled hair sticking up at all angles. It makes me proud that I, Dean Winchester, have managed to get an angel of the lord to jack himself off. Well, kinda.

“Yup,” I smile.

Cas looks down at me and smiles back warmly. “Thank you. For helping me. I feel much better.”

I nod and watch Cas tilt his head back to rest it on the headboard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may be thinking wtf?? Cas wouldn't be able to do that while traumatized, it's too soon!
> 
> Do not fear; all is expalined in the coming chapters (no pun intended) ;)


	11. Well That's Quite Rude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It'll get better eventually, I promise :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first started writing this fic, I decided I was going to use American English for some reason (I'm from the UK) and the work isn't Beta'd so if you spot any words like 'bin' or 'trousers', my bad!

**10am**

After last night, it took me and Cas a really long time to get out of bed. He’s still recovering from his illness and I’m just tired out of my mind. We didn’t speak about the actual _events_ of last night, but a couple of shared glances made it known to both of us that we both maybe want to try it again sometime. Baby steps I guess.

Although, I know Cas is nervous out of his mind because when we got dressed, he put on _a lot_ of clothes. Like, _a lot._ We’re talking a t-shirt, a dress shirt, Sam’s hoodie, sweats and two pairs of socks. He was going to put on two pairs of boxers but I insisted that that would just make him uncomfortable, so luckily he’s now only wearing one pair.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about him, but I didn’t ask any questions about why he was putting on so many clothes. I’m assuming it’s about him feeling too exposed or something. Last night could have made that worse, or helped, I don’t know. But what I do know is that right now, Cas is feeling a bit vulnerable. He needs to take it easy today, maybe help Sam with translating the Enochian or something.

Although, I just can’t get last night off my mind. I keep having doubts that I shouldn’t have suggested/persuaded him to do that. I’m starting to regret it actually, just because of the fact that I think Cas is a bit off today. What if he didn’t want to do what we did but just agreed to it so he didn’t have a chance of hurting my feelings? He’s uncomfortable this morning, I can tell. He’s suddenly gone very on edge and cautious around me because his brain is probably telling him that I’m a potential threat or something like that. It’s clear as day and making me think twice about rushing into things so soon. Cas has a lot to learn about his body yet before doing stuff like that with me. His confidence last night might have been driven by a flood of hormones. Maybe his weak mind has become vulnerable to the sexual tension that has always lingered over us. Or it might have been his body just naturally begging for a little relief. He’s not in the best of mind-sets at the minute as well and just _dammit_. I know we both enjoyed last night, but it can’t happen again, not for a while. Cas is still fragile and I can’t risk making it worse for a bit of experimentation in bed.

Also, he knows I have questions about what happened the other day when he had that breakdown. _He knows_ I want to know why he wanted God, his father, his _dad_. I’m not bringing it up because yet again, that kind of seems like a sensitive subject for him. I _will_ ask at some point though. Or maybe with a bit of luck, he’ll tell _me_.

I take another bite of toast, scrolling through news on my phone to check for any major case opportunities. There’s nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not that that’s a _really_ bad thing, it’s just, this is going to get boring after a while, and it’ll be a while before we can find any daggers.

Cas is lying down sleeping on the couch with a trash can next to him and a cold washcloth on his forehead. He’s underneath a thick blanket too despite all of the clothes he has on.

Yeah, he really isn’t feeling too good this morning. His fever’s flaring up again and he’s not eaten anything today yet because he feels a bit sick. Maybe he’s not getting enough sleep? I think he’s dehydrated as well, but I do actually think I know about that issue. Cas hates going to the bathroom more than anything so he’s not drinking much so he doesn’t need to go. Sam and Jody know that too, so between the three of us, we’re managing to get some water down him every hour or so.

I shake my head and finish off the last of my toast. Me, Jody and Sam are all taking turns watching over him as well and my turn just finished so I stand up and open the door to the decking at the back of the house where Cas had his meltdown. The door closes behind me and I breathe in a full lung of fresh air.  What if Cas’ recovery time has been increased because of what we did last night (or early this morning if you want to be specific)? Or maybe it’s because he still has a tonne of stuff still on his mind? Maybe it’s that thing about God? That could be what’s troubling him.

Suddenly, a stupid idea flashes across my mind. Could it work? What if it does?

I run back inside just to grab my coat.

Jody, who is now watching Cas, gives me a confused look.

“Going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I’ve gotta go do something. Be back in a bit. If he wakes up, tell him I won’t be long.”

“Alright, I’ll make sure he’s ok.” Jody assures, repositioning the cloth on Cas’ forehead after pushing some strands of hair out of the way.

Glad she doesn’t ask any questions, I nod in thanks and go back outside. I slip my jacket on as I trek into the woods. There are some dark-looking clouds but hopefully I’ll be back inside before the heavens open up. Hah, funny. _Heavens._

I walk for a while, shoving my hands in my jacket pockets to protect them from the cold. I like it when October rolls in, I do, but it’s fucking freezing.

After (what may as well be hiking) for a little longer, I decide that where I am standing is pretty good. There are trees completely surrounding me that are blocking the sky out of view apart from a tiny hole directly above me.  

This is the worst, most stupid idea to ever cross my mind, and that’s really saying something, but meh. Why not? It might even work. (It probably won’t but yeah, fuck it).

“Ok, here goes. “ I start, looking upwards at nothing in particular. “Uh, God? Or Chuck or whatever you call yourself these days. Uhm, well you might not even be able to hear me but I’m at least gonna try so here it is. Castiel is in a really bad way at the minute. Omandriel did some stuff to him that is unforgivable and probably the least holy thing an angel could possibly do. I know you’re probably chilling with Amara right now or whatever _earth overlord_ stuff you do, but Cas needs you man. He’s in a deep, deep ditch right now that I’m worried he’s never going to be able to crawl out of at the rate he’s going. Obviously I don’t mean that literally, but it’s the best way to describe what’s going on. I’m trying to take care of him best I can, but he just keeps getting sick or worked up about something that makes him break down. As soon as I think he’s getting better, he gets worse again. I know he’s hurting about you leaving, I can see it in his eyes. Even when you _did_ come back, you didn’t really speak to him that much before _poof,_ you were gone again. He tries _so_ hard to make other people happy and I hope you can see that. He’s suffering, man, and as sappy as this may sound: he needs his dad. Like, heck, he’s your son for christ’s sakes, can you at least just speak to him once in a while? You may not help the angels often or anyone for that matter, but just this once, would you please help Cas? Just come and help your boy out.  I’m begging here. I don’t know exactly what he wants with you, but I _do_ know he needs you more than anything right now and all you’re doing is lounging around in some cloud while drinking Jesus-nuked cocktails with your sister. But yeah, anyway, just hear me out ok? I need you to come down here. Not for me, not for Sam, or yourself, or for the angels or anyone else. Come here for Castiel.” I sigh. Wow, rant over.

I wait for a few moments to see if he actually appears, but he doesn’t. Of course he doesn’t. It’s not like I was expecting him to anyway. I just hope he heard what I had to say as every word that left my mouth was true.

There is a silence that drifts through the trees like a breeze and the grey clouds up above seem thicker and darker. After waiting a few more minutes, I give up and start walking back to the house.

It takes me a while to get back because of navigating around all of the roots that are sticking out of the ground, but eventually I do, and just in time because there is a loud rumble of thunder, and single flash of lightning reaches down and taps the earth with its electric spikes. Large raindrops start to patter around on the decking as I walk across it before open the door to let myself inside. I slip my jacket off my shoulders and toe my shoes off before looking up to see Jody sitting next to Cas who is now awake on the sofa.

I think it’s ok for a second until I watch her hand that is rubbing his back, and when I get closer, I see that he is clutching the trash can while looking horribly pale. Jody notices me first and gestures for me to come over.

I comply and take a seat next to Castiel. He doesn’t appear to have been sick yet but he certainly looks like he’s going to be.

“Hey Buddy, you not feeling too good?” I ask, risking touching his forehead to find it is burning hot. I don’t care if I’m treating him like a five year old, he needs it. Now this is happening, there is _definitely_ something off about his fever. It’s not a common one, that’s for sure.

The angel manages to shake his head a little, but it seems as though that’s all he can manage.

“Where’s Sammy?” I ask Jody as she moves the hair off Cas’ forehead so she can place the cold washcloth there.

“Well, we don’t have much food in so him and Claire went to the grocery store. He offered to look after Cas while I went but Castiel said he wanted me to stay so here we are.”  

“Oh, man. I should’ve been here. I’m sorry Cas.”

“He was ok, I told him that you said you’d be back.”

“Thanks Jody. Really.”

We sit with Cas for a while as he remains glued to the trashcan. It’s silent until he speaks.

“I made a mistake.” He admits. He sounds terrible right now.

“What do you mean?”

“Back in Indiana, the sigils that weakened my powers and gave me this sickness, they” Cas gags a little and I am stuck between telling him to be quiet for a while longer or listen to what he has to say. However, my decision is made for me when he carries on speaking. “I think they’re bound to me. My brother, he must have used my blood to complete the sigils. I’ll only get better if they are destroyed. However far away I get, it won’t matter. They can still keep this sickness going on forever. The longer we wait, the worse it gets.”

We have to go all the way back to Indiana? Obviously Cas couldn’t come with us, he’s too sick, but we can’t exactly leave him here, can we? Maybe we could get another hunter to destroy the sigils for us?

All of these questions run through my head, but I can’t mull them over for long because Cas finally throws up. Again. Poor guy.

It’s only really the water he drank over the past few hours that comes up, but it looks painful all the same.

As soon as he finishes, I suggest we get him into bed and between us, me and Jody manage to support nearly all of the angel’s weight for him as we help him into our bedroom. Because he’s sweating profusely, I manage to get him down to just his t-shirt and boxers before lifting him into bed. I get into bed too so he can lie on me with his head resting on my chest. Jody brings in a washing up bowl just in case Cas is sick again because the trash can needs cleaning out. We put the cloth back on his forehead before Jody turns the lights off and leaves.

As I watch Cas sleep, it dawns on me that this sickness thing actually _is_ getting worse. What if Cas is right and we need to destroy the sigils? We got it all wrong. Getting further away from them isn’t going to make Cas better. He said they were bound to him by blood; that’s how they’re working long distance.

_Shit._

Every so often, Cas shifts and groans uncomfortably in his sleep because of his stomach but he doesn’t wake up which I take as a good sign. Although, after a while, Cas starts to squirm around tellingly.

At least he’s had about an hour of undisturbed sleep. I nudge the angel gently, “Cas.” The angel doesn’t stir so I nudge him again, “Cas, buddy, you need to get up.”

This time he hears me, but still murmurs something unintelligible.

“Cas, you need to get up to go to the bathroom.” I whisper as to not be too loud and give him a headache or something. I don’t know.

This time I can hear what he says, “but ’m comfy.”

“I know. But you don’t wanna get desperate do you.”

“Just a bit longer.” He mutters, but any chances of me letting him stay longer are eliminated when he squirms again.

“Come on, otherwise you’ll end up wetting the bed.”  Cas doesn’t say anything, so I just start sitting him upright slowly to try not to upset his stomach. He groans and makes a weak attempt at lying back down. “Come on, it won’t take long.”

Eventually I get the guy out of bed and manage to help him into the bathroom. I step behind him like usual. He’s still half asleep and fumbles around for ages until finally getting around to doing what he needs to do.

Half way through though, his eyelids start to droop along with his head rolling to the side and I have to click my fingers in his face a couple of times to keep him awake. “Cas, stay the fuck awake while you’re peeing or you’ll be the one cleaning it up.” Maybe that was harsh, but it gave me a lot of satisfaction after him giving me a fright when he nearly dozed off mid-stream.

When he finishes, he’s just as out of it as he was before so I help him wash his hands before getting him back into bed. I reckon that this is the worst his fever has ever been. It’s weird because yesterday he seemed ok and now, one might call it ‘rock bottom’. We need to destroy those sigils soon because I don’t wanna know what’s gonna happen if we don’t.

Once I get Castiel back into bed, he immediately gets into the same position as before with his head tucked up against my chest. Fair dos. However, before I let him sleep, I reach over to the bedside table and grab the bottle of water that is sitting there.

“Cas, can you drink some of this before you go back to sleep?”

He opens a sleepy eye to look and shakes his head, “it’ll make me sick again, Dean.”

“Come on just drink a bit of it. You’re going to be really dehydrated if you’re not careful.”

“Fine.” He gives in and takes the bottle from my hand before uncapping it and taking a few gulps.

“Slow.” I scold, and Cas shoots me a glare but I know he knows I’m right. He really will make himself more ill than he needs to be if he drinks too quick.

He takes a couple more gentle sips before handing the bottle back to me. “Thank you.” He mutters, “I know looking after me is hard.”

I frown, “Don’t worry Cas, you can’t help it, you’re sick.” I assure, but realise that he didn’t hear me because he’s already fast asleep in my embrace.

I sigh, hoping we can get him better soon. It must be so awful for him to be feeling like this.

I don’t know when I fell asleep, but it was after I was sure that Cas would be ok for a while. The thing that wakes me up though is when a thin strip of light enters the room and Sam slips through the door. I give him a weary smile when he looks at Cas in my arms then up at me.

“How is he?” My brother whispers, crouching down next to the bed so he is more or less at eye level with me.  I’m sort of half sitting against the headboard and half lying down. Just comfy to be honest.

“Absolutely shit.” I decide honestly. “Could barely form coherent sentences when he first woke up.”

“I thought he was supposed to get better.”

“That was something I needed to talk to you about, Sam. He’s _not_ getting better, he’s getting worse. The further he goes away from the sigils, the more sick he gets because they’re bound with blood. That’s how it’s working from this far away – the force is stronger. Look at it like an elastic band. We need to-“

“Destroy the sigils.” Sam finishes my sentence. “But we’re hours away from there now.”

“Maybe we can get someone else to destroy them? I hate to say it dude, but we might need even some supernatural help.”

Sam makes a confused face before a wave of realisation washes over him. “We are _not_ calling Crowley.”

“We might bloody well have to.”

“There has to be other options.” Sam groans.

“Trust me, I’m in no hurry to call that sarcastic son of a bitch, but it’s the quickest option we’ve got and Cas needs help. I mean, have you seen him? He’s suffering.” I decide, glancing down at the sleeping angel as he groans in his sleep and subconsciously clutches his stomach.

Sam watches Cas with pity in his eyes and nods finally, “fine, I’ll call Crowley.”

“Thanks Sammy.” I tell him and he stands up, taking his phone out of his pocket. He goes to leave the room but turns around just before he does so.

“Is there anything you need? Like a drink or some food or-“

“A beer would be amazing right now.” I don’t care if it’s only early in the afternoon. I freaking need it. It’s six o’clock somewhere.

Sam nods and is gone for a while until he comes in with a bottle of cold beer. I smile my thanks and he leaves again. As soon as the alcohol hits the back of my throat I relax and relish the taste of the slightly bitter liquid.

Another half an hour passes before Cas begins shifting around again. I place the beer I have been savouring on the bedside table, sensing that my friend is going to wake up soon. What I am not expecting though is him waking so suddenly.  His eyes shoot open and he starts grabbing and scrambling at my shirt trying to lift himself up or something. I can see the panic in his eyes and realise what’s going on.

Grabbing the washing up bowl, I push it under his chin quickly and it seems like I was just in time because Cas starts being violently sick into it. Dammit, he’s lying down. I try to drag him up but I can’t when he’s all tense like this. He could choke.

Starting to panic as well, I call out loud for anyone outside the room to hear, “can someone help me out here!” I know the distress shows through my voice, but it’s a good job because soon Sam bursts through the door. “I can’t sit him up or he’s gonna choke.” I say quickly, desperately trying to comfort Cas at the same time as the violent retches just keep coming.

“Shit, ok.” Sam rushes over and crawls on to the bed. He pulls the covers all the way off Cas so he can grab one shoulder while I grab the other. Together, we tip him forward and he makes a strangled noise. _Fuckfuckfuckfuck._

He might not have been choking, but just to make sure, I pat him on the back quite hard which helps Cas along with his breathing. It’s mostly water that comes up again, but obviously he’s struggling to get through it this time because there’s so little.

Between retches, Cas lets out sobs and whimpers, and tears prick the corners of his eyes from all of the effort. “Okay. Alright.” Sam soothes, rubbing the angel’s back until the sickness starts to taper off.

The angel’s clammy hand finds mine and I grip it tightly, trying anything to reassure him. Nothing more comes up for a while so he’s more or less done.

He does seem completely finished, and as I’m kneeling more or less behind him, I push lightly on Cas’ shoulder to guide him backwards so he can lean on me. He can relax like this and catch his breath.

Crap, that worried me for a second. I don’t know what I would’ve done had Sam not have come and helped me out.

We all stay still for a little while. That was stressful as heck. We really need to get those sigils destroyed.

“I don’t feel like going back to bed.” Cas mutters hoarsely.

“Okay buddy.” I squeeze his shoulder reassuringly. What a day. “You wanna go into the living room?”

“Anywhere but here.” The angel admits, his voice raw and grating.

“Alright.” I agree.

Jody pokes her head around the door to see what’s going on and sees the three of us all breathing heavily after that panic show. “You boys need any more help?”

“Would you mind getting this?” I pass her the washing up bowl and she nods, “thanks Jody.”

Sam moves off the bed first and stands close to the edge so when I help Cas move forward to the edge, my brother can help right away. I move off the bed too before we both get on either side of Cas. We lift him to his feet at the same time and he nearly falls to the floor because we discover he can’t support himself _at all_.

Me and Sam both sling on one of Cas’ arms over each of our shoulders so we can support him properly. All he manages to do is groan in pain because of his sore stomach. “Don’t worry, we’ve got you.” I tell him as we go towards the door and get Cas out into the living room. We sit him down carefully on the couch.

He’s only wearing his green t-shirt and white boxers, but I don’t think he particularly cares right now.

Jody returns and hands Cas a glass of water before draping a thin blanket over him and sitting next to him.

“Sam, did you call Crowley?” I ask, feeling kind of fidgety. Sitting still all day is not something I’m accustomed to right now.  Oh, what I wouldn’t do to just go and exterminate some vamps. Or even leviathans; anything that’ll put up a fight.

“Went to voicemail…five times.” He replies, checking his phone again to see if the demon has got back to him. He hasn’t.

I huff, and find myself too impatient to care. “Ok Crowley you ignorant son of a bitch, get your red-eyed ass up here before we have to force you!”

“Well that’s quite rude.” A snarky British accent sounds behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say, is Cas will be happy and okay sooner than you think :D


	12. That's What Love Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments guys! <3

I spin around and glare at the demon, “you can talk to us about rude when you pick up your damn phone.”

“What’s got _your_ flannel in a twist?” He responds coolly.

“ _You.”_

“Oh, I’m sorry I can’t attend to your needs but you may have forgotten I am a busy demon!”

“ _And_ the ‘king of hell’ as you keep _reminding us all!”_

Crowley ignores me and glances at Cas who looks pale and weak, “what’s up with feathers?”

“That’s why we called you.” Sam explains, “we need a favour.”

“Oh great, the Winchesters need my help _again_. This time I’m assuming it’s because Cassie here is spewing all kinds of stomach contents.”

“You don’t need to go in to detail about it.” Sam assures when Cas goes slightly paler at the demon’s words.

“Are you gonna help us or not?” I grumble.

“What’s in it for me?”

“I dunno! How about the permission to stay the hell away from us from now on?”

“I’ll pass.”

“Give him the demon blade.” A small, hoarse voice comes from Castiel.

“What, no! We can’t-“ Crowley cuts me off.

“Now that’s more like it!”

“No way are you getting that blade.” I deadpan back, but Sam catches my eye, trying to tell me something.

“Give us a minute.” 

I storm out of the room, dragging Sam with me, “What was Cas thinking?! We can’t give Crowley the blade, Sammy! Then the only defence against demons we’d have is the good old exorcism and the demon trap bullets, and that just sucks ass!”

“Yeah, but what about when we get those other demon blades? We’ll have nearly a full set and that’ll be much better than just one. That’s why Cas must have suggested it. He’s not stupid Dean.”

“I know, it’s just…can we really afford to do this?”

“I really hope so, because now we’ve suggested it, nothing can compare to Crowley. It’s either the blade, or Cas suffers longer.”

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose before dragging my hand across my face. “Fine.”

Me and Sam re-enter the room to find Jody re-filling the glass of water in the kitchen and Crowley flicking Cas’ face while he’s asleep behind her back.

“Don’t do that, man.” Sam scolds disapprovingly.

“Well, it’s hard to resist. He’s completely out of it. Quite funny actually.”

I launch myself forward at Crowley and pin him against the wall, “shut. It. Or I’ll stab you with this knife right here, right now.”

“Oh but you won’t. You _need me,_ remember.” He snarls, pushing me off him. “Do I get the blade or not?”

“Yes, but _after_ you help us.”

“Ugh, fine, let’s just get this over with. What do you need that you’re so desperate for anyway?”

“Some sigils back in Indiana are making Cas sick. Find them and destroy them. All the angels that put them there are gone. It’s an easy in an’ out.”

Crowley rolls his eyes and looks at the sleeping angel. “Seems fair, but if there is _any_ funny business, I’m bailing, you little twerps.”

“Fine, coward.” I smirk, and the demon disappears with a glare on his face.

I sigh before joining Castiel on the couch. His head rolls down in his sleep on to my shoulder, and I’m beginning to think, just at the back of my mind, that this is _where it belongs_.

His breaths are shallow and brief, and there is a frown on his face as he sleeps. God knows how uncomfortable he is right now. I think I’ve lost count of how many times he’s actually thrown up over the past few days.

From doing it a lot recently, my hand finds its way in to his hair after brushing some longer strands from his forehead. I just want him to get better, that’s _all_ I want.

Me, Cas, Sam and Jody sit quiet for a while until the angel sits bolt upright quickly. On instinct, I reach for the trash can, but Cas makes no move to use it. Instead, a white light appears around him that was invisible before. It shimmers in the light and Cas’ body starts glowing brightly, including his eyes. For a moment, the ocean blue colour is lost in them until the force field burns up and fizzles away like a ghost that just got salted and burned. There is shock on Cas’ face when everything is gone, and I can physically see the healthy colour that is rapidly returning to his face.

He blinks a couple of times and swallows thickly. We all watch him expectantly, waiting for him to say something.

“Cas?” I mutter to him quietly. He looks down at his hands and opens them out, inspecting them.

He frowns again before he opens his mouth, “I…I’m-“

We all continue to watch, a silent tension hanging over us.

“I don’t feel sick anymore.” He announces, which takes a moment to sink in, but then the tension is lifted when we realise that Cas is actually going to be ok .

“Thank heck for that.” I laugh, and then Cas laughs along with me which causes Sam and Jody to start laughing too.

“Sooo, you’re feeling ok?”

“Yes. The sickness, it’s, it’s gone. Completely. Apart from my injuries, I feel fine.”

“Awesome!” I beam. He’s fine. He’s _fine_. “You, _so_ deserve a beer right now.”

“I’d like that.” Cas replies, placing his hand over his stomach to see if it hurts. It clearly doesn’t because he smiles to himself out of relief.

Crowley suddenly appears in front of me , his hand held out, “the knife.”

I huff and hand it to him, and he smiles when it reaches his hand.  “Nice doing business with you boys.”

As soon as the demon looks like he’s going to disappear, Cas speaks up, “Crowley. Thank you. I’m grateful.”

The demon rolls his eyes, “save it, halo.” His comment is snarky again, but he winks at Cas before he leaves which is probably Crowley’s way of saying, ‘no problem, man’ or something.

We talk for a while about nothing in particular. Some stuff about hunting, some stuff about the bunker, some stuff about Crowley and we even do some reminiscing of when Cas molotoved Michael a few years back. Ah, simple times. After all, Jody doesn’t really know much about the angel.

One thing I have noticed this past half hour though, is the fact that Cas is only in his boxers and a t-shirt. Could it be that his mind is starting to heal? He must feel at home here. Comfortable. He’s not trying to cover himself up or anything, which I’m taking as _getting somewhere_.

We give Cas a ham sandwich which he thoroughly enjoys, and he manages to keep it down showing the sickness really is completely gone. He enjoyed his beer too, and I think he might even be a little bit drunk.

Claire and Alex join us for a little bit and laugh at Cas when he misunderstands a saying. Sam was talking about a girl he spent a night with back on a case and she walked out on him, so I said ‘cry me a river’ and Cas followed that by saying “ _Yeah Sam, cry me a table.”_ It really wasn’t supposed to be funny, but it was hilarious when he came out with that. Literally, no one could stop laughing, and the angel had no idea why we were all so amused. He still has so much to learn about human humour.

As soon as it starts getting late, Cas starts yawning and sinking lower into the couch. I must admit, even though I’ve been sitting in bed with Cas for most of the day, I’m tired too. Although, Cas must be _completely_ exhausted from throwing up. Fine, the sickness is gone, but that doesn’t mean he’s not ready for a good night’s sleep.

“Alright Cas, I think you should think about getting ready for bed.” I decide, sitting up from my slouching position before draining the last of my beer.

“I wanna go to the bathroom.” He slurs in slight drunken tiredness.

“I know. That usually falls into the category of getting ready for bed. Come on.” I stand and pull Cas up with me. “Night guys.”

“Night fellas.” Jody replies and the others also mutter some good nights.

When we reach our room, I close the door and lead Cas to the bathroom. After him using the toilet, washing his hands and brushing his teeth, I finally get Cas in to bed before returning to the bathroom to get ready for bed myself. After wearing jeans all day, sweatpants seem like the most comfortable thing to wear in the world. That along with a baggy t-shirt and some thick socks make me feel like I’m encased in a cloud.

I pull the covers on the bed back and slip underneath them next to Cas who lifts himself up and rests his head in the crook of my neck, his chest flush against mine. It’s the same position we have been doing for a while now. It’s likeable and comfy, don’t judge me.

As I am falling asleep, my mind wanders to when Cas was human before; when I told him to leave the bunker and when he spent a long while between sleeping areas and locations. What did he do about his problems then?

“Cas, can I ask you a question?” I place my hand on his back and pull the covers up a little further to keep us warm on this cool-ish night.

“Uh huh.” He mumbles into my shoulder.

“When you were human before, did you have problems with going to the bathroom? It’s just, I’d have thought since you were human before you would be used to it by now, but obviously not.”

“The first time I experienced it, I had no idea what was happening. I thought it was my stomach. I knew I was desperate for something, but I didn’t know what. I stuck it out for a little while, hoping the pain would go away. That was until I found that my pants were wet, and the pain had gone. People gave me some strange looks but never said anything. I had no idea what to do. Some of the people who gave me strange looks gave me a little money so I could wash my clothes. After that, I was very careful. You might call it paranoid, I don’t know. It happened a few times. Sometimes I was awake, sometimes sleeping. When I got a job at the gas-n-sip with Nora, I slept in the store room the whole time I worked there. That’s when you came to see me and we worked that case, but not long a after you left – a few days maybe – I had another accident, and Nora knew. She _saw_. Humiliated and ashamed, I cleaned up my mess and ran. I never went back. That’s how I started working cases. I had nightmares every night where I was lost and alone, and _every_ time, I, well, you know. I had no idea what I could do about it so I just let it happen. That’s it really.”

“You should have told me. I could have done something to help.”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“I’m so sorry, Cas. I should’ve been there for you. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I had the opportunity to call you and I didn’t. It’s ok.” I pull the angel closer to me before sinking further into the pillows. “But Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“I can’t guarantee it’s not going to happen again. I know it happened not long ago but I can’t predict it. Even if I go to the bathroom before bed. It just _happens_.”

“I know. Don’t worry about it, okay? I won’t mind.”

“Thank you.” The angel murmurs and pushes his head closer into my neck, showing he’s ready to go to sleep.

“Alright.” I whisper reassuringly, rubbing Cas’ back until his breathing evens out and he starts snoring softly.

I have the feeling that he wouldn’t have admitted _any_ of that if he was completely sober, but the poor guy’s positively drunk off one beer. At least the truth about his issue is all out now. If I’m completely honest, I was expecting something to happen anyway. Just like the other night. And I wasn’t lying to him when I said I wouldn’t mind if it happened again. I would never be angry with him for doing something as innocent as wetting the bed. Not in the slightest.

I kiss Cas’ thick mop of hair before closing my eyes and falling into a dreamless sleep.

***

**10am**

I lift the pan off the stove, the bacon that is sitting inside the oil is crackling like fireworks. I opted to cook this morning because we all deserve a good cooked bacon breakfast. Cas is feeling chipper, which makes me really happy due to the state he was in yesterday.

We are all in a bright mood so the conversation is constant and flowing. Even Cas is talking freely to everyone, looking like he’s finally feeling like himself again.

“Did anyone hear the foxes last night?” Alex asks, taking a bite of her eggs.

I’m glad everyone likes my breakfast today. I’ve got a lot of competition against Jody’s pancakes.

“Yes!” Claire laughs, “they were barking for like an hour and didn’t shut up.”

“I heard it too.” Cas smiles. “It sounded like they were mating.”

“And how would you know that?” I chuckle, currently not bothering to ask Cas why and when he was awake last night.

“I saw it on a documentary.” He replies, shrugging, “the foxes bark repeatedly all the way through it and then they go through a sort of ‘locking’ process where the male- “

“Whoa, you can totally stop there.” Claire grimaces through a laugh. “I don’t wanna know what foxes do when they get all frisky. I’m eating.”

“Speaking of the food, how is it?” I ask hopefully.

“Bit greasy for me, Dean.” Sam admits, but smiles after he says it showing he’s joking.

“Bitch.” I glare at him playfully.

“Jerk.”

“Assbutt!” Cas blurts out with a smile on his face which disappears when everyone looks at him confusedly.  “It seemed like a good moment.”

“No, I like it.” I smile, “it’s a good addition.”

Cas smiles back at me warmly and I have to look down at my food to hide my blush.

“So, seen as it’s a nice day, I was thinking we could all go down to the lake and see if we can catch some fish.” Everyone nods and hums simultaneously at Jody’s proposition, which seems to decide what we’re doing today.

“Is it far? Down to the lake, I mean.” I ask, thinking about Cas and his leg.

“About a mile if we walk, which we usually do. There’s a road that leads to it as well though, so if you guys wanted to take the Impala it might be easier for Cas.”

“Yeah, alright,” I agree, “I guess we should get ready then if we wanna get a good spot by the lake.”

“Yeah, good plan.” Sam decides, standing up and scraping his wooden chair against the linoleum flooring. Everyone’s plates are empty so I’m taking that as a good sign.

I also stand, helping Cas up too before getting into our bedroom.

“You up for a bit of fishing?” I ask, sitting Cas down on the bed before going off to find his adopted hoodie.

“I’ve never tried it, but yes.”

“As long as you’ve got patience and then quick reactions, you’ve got it. You’ll be fine.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Not just the fishing, but getting outside for a while.” Cas mumbles through the hoodie as I slip it over his head.

“Yeah, me too.” I laugh when Cas accidentally puts his arm through the head hole. “Let me help.” I chuckle before pulling the sleeve out from inside the hoodie to the outside. It’s always so annoying when it does that. You put the jumper on and the sleeve is on the inside so you spend ages pushing against the end of the sleeve to get your arm all the way through. Life sucks.

“Hey, Cas?”

“Yeah?” He questions, looking up at me after we finally get that damned hoodie on properly.

“Promise me you’ll tell me if something’s wrong.”

“I promise.”

“I really mean it. You need to tell me if you’re feeling off and we can come straight back here, okay? Even if you’ve gotta pee. You tell me. You _don’t_ hold it.”

“Yeah. Thanks Dean.”

“Alright.” I nod and smile before slipping my boots on and pulling my jacket over my shoulders. I help Cas in to his shoes too before hauling him off the bed to meet everyone back in the living room.

“Ready to go?” Jody asks and Cas nods enthusiastically. He genuinely is excited to get out of here. Mind you, I don’t blame him really. I’m pretty much gasping for freedom myself.

We all make our way outside and pause by the Impala to dump all the gear in the back seats.

I help Cas into the front seat then circle the car to get inside myself, but Sam makes no move to get in with us.

“You not coming, Sam?” I ask and he shakes his head.

“Nah, I feel like stretching my legs. Meet you guys there?”

“Yeah, alright.” I close my door and start the engine after watching our friends walk into the woods chatting heartily.

Pulling out of Jody’s drive, I clear my throat and glance at Cas who is looking out of the window.

“So, you’re feeling ok this morning?”

The angel turns to me and nods surely, “yeah, I’m feeling fine.”

“You were up last night. You know, listening to the foxes. Were you feeling alright _then_?”

“Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Really?”

“ _Really.”_ The angel smiles and my mind is put to rest. “Right now, I’m fine Dean. Promise.”

“Okay, okay.” I submit. “Just checking.”

Cas smiles again and shuffles closer to me until our shoulders are touching. He reaches forward and takes my right hand that is resting on my thigh into his own then threads our fingers together.

“I really like you, Dean.” He mutters quietly, tightening his hold on my hand.

“You're not so bad yourself.” I smile, running my thumb over the back of Cas’ hand while he fiddles with our fingers. “I care about you a lot, you know. Maybe more than you think.”

The angel lifts his head that was resting on my shoulder and looks at me with his big eyes that seem bluer than usual. When I look back at him, he doesn’t say anything; just stares. I know him well enough that he is saying thank you, and as no words are coming out, _he really means it_.

I used to find his extended gazes unnerving, but it’s just such a _Cas_ thing to do, I’m used to it.

It doesn’t take us long to get to the lake because, like Jody said, it’s only a mile walking. Even now we’re at the lake, we’ll be waiting for another fifteen minutes for the others to meet us.

I pull into a space facing the water in the mostly empty parking area. There aren’t as many people around as I was expecting so it’s nice and quiet.

The engine shuts off leaving me and Cas in silence. We sit for a while, and I end up releasing his hand and putting my arm around his shoulders to pull him closer. He crumbles into me and snuggles up close to keep warm. It’s quite cold today hence why we’ve all got a few layers on. The sun will make it a little better though when we get further into the day.

I risk pressing my lips to the side of Cas’ head and he looks up at me again with those pure, innocent blue eyes.  I watch him glance down at my lips, and decide that this is a great time to get some alone time where we don’t have to worry about anyone seeing us anytime soon.

I lean in and gently push our mouths together. Yeah fine, Cas still has a lot of technique to learn about kissing, but making out with _him_ is different. In the past, kissing girls felt like a song, but kissing this angel right next to me feels like a symphony. Feelings spring around and course through every single one of my limbs, tickling the nerves and sparking them alive. A single touch from Cas can make my blood pump around my body faster than it ever has; faster than I thought possible. Feeling his lips slide against mine is like sitting on the beach, watching the ocean pull in and pull out of the bay. The silent tug of the water. It is the sweet smell of the salt hanging the air, the taste of bliss. It’s like thunder on a rainy day before the sun peeks out from behind the clouds and lights up the wet terra; the rainbow that appears from nowhere with its colourful strips leading into the distance. You never know where it ends, but that’s part of what makes it magical, you just keep on going forever, riding a high that was borne from _passion_ and _emotion_.

That’s what love is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to update again tomorrow because I'm going on holiday on Sat. for four days with limited wifi so I have no idea whether I'll be able to update or not :(
> 
> There's that, and I'm also doing GISHWHES so Misha Collins will basically be controlling me all week xD
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	13. Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas catches his first fish.
> 
> Also, oh my Chuck!

The hand that I had laid across Cas’ shoulders now moves through the thick tufts of his dark hair. He gasps a little when I tug on it gently, and I swallow the noise before deepening the kiss. He eases in to it eventually, managing to take the lead a couple of times. Everything is slow and easy. We’re both just enjoying each other like never before, savouring the moment, relishing it before it ends.

My other hand finds Cas’ cheek and cups it, pulling him close enough that he can probably hear my heart thrumming in my chest. His hand is trapped between our bodies while his other is resting on my shoulder.

Eventually though, my lungs start burning and I just _have_ to take a breath. When our lips move apart we stay close, eyes still closed, breathing heavily in each other’s close proximity. Cas noses my cheek a little as he catches his breath and I smile, finally opening my eyes to see two bright blue orbs staring back at me.

I hold his stare. Is this the moment?

“Cas, I lo-“

I am cut off by loud voices coming from the trees, and me and Cas both jump back, sliding away from each other to an appropriate two-best-friends looking distance.

My unspoken words swirl around my head _I love you I love you I love you I love you_. There will be another time, I tell myself, and push my raw feelings back to the depths of my mind.

Sam, Jody, Claire and Alex appear from the treeline and soon spot the car, making their way over. They all have mud and dead leaves clinging to their hiking boots, and their cheeks all look rosy from the cold.

I get out of the car and lick my lips, hoping to God that they’re not too obviously swollen from me and Cas’ make-out session. Mind you, what the fuck is God gonna do about it? He wouldn’t give a damn anyway. He hasn’t even come to talk to Cas after I asked him so nicely (which is admittedly not common for me).

“Good walk?” I ask, circling the car to help Cas out.

“Yeah. Refreshing.” Sam replies, taking a deep breath of the crisp air. He frowns when he notices me and Cas breathing too heavily to be normal, “you guys ok?”

Shit, uhhhhh, “yeah, we just had to dodge a road raging jerk on the road. Scary.” I lie, and Sam doesn’t even look convinced but luckily says nothing more.

I do notice the questioning look that Claire gives Cas though. Hmm.

Jody opens the back door of the Impala and grabs the stuff. We all make our way down to the lake.

Obviously, I’m the one who helps Cas walk over the bumpy grass, and I can’t resist rubbing my thumb over his shoulder reassuringly to show that I’m happy about that awesome kiss we just shared.

He smiles discretely at me, and I blush, hoping that no one can see how ridiculously hung up I am over Cas. 

We reach a nice spot next to the lake and place all of our fold-out chairs down onto the muddy ground. The fishing rods come next, and after completely getting set up, we just relax after all of the stress of hooking maggots on to those tiny little hooks.

“So, I never really asked you, how did that day you guys had a picnic on go?” Claire asks me and Cas, and the angel immediately looks back at the lake with wide eyes, probably thinking the same as me,

_If she finds out we kissed, we’ll never hear the end of it._

“It was good, yeah.” I say. Maybe I can play around with this to see how Cas reacts. “Yeah, it was one of those picnics where everything around you is so beautiful you forget to finish your sandwiches. And we didn’t even realise it started raining because we were so hung up with enjoying ourselves.”

Cas coughs on the water he is drinking from me being so obvious yet so sneaky with my wording. All it does is encourage me though. I don’t want to be caught either, but hiding in plain sight is always more fun.

“We had a great time really. Everything tasted good and we had a blast. It seemed like it lasted forever though, and I was sorry that it had to stop so soon but, well, the breather _from being outside_ was nice.”

“Oh, cool.” Claire replies, sounding a bit confused, but it definitely stops her sniffing about for a while.

When nobody is looking, Cas shoots me glare and I have to supress a laugh. It’s funny because he’s the only one that knows that I was _really_ talking about Cas being beautiful, us kissing and forgetting the rest of our lunch, us kissing so much we didn’t notice the rain, Cas’ lips tasting good, the kiss lasting forever, me being sorry it had to stop, and the deep breaths we took after snogging each other’s face off.

Nice.

We sit quietly for a while longer until Cas gets a small tug on his line and the float bobs up and down on the still-looking water. He doesn’t notice and I point it out to him, “Cas, I think you got a nibbler buddy.”

The angel looks at the float that keeps dipping under the water. “What do I do?”

“Yank your rod to the side. Fast. That way the fish’ll get caught on your hook.”

Cas nods and pulls his rod to the right in my direction, nearly hitting me in the face but not quite thankfully.

The line is still, and for a moment I assume he lost the fish, but a couple of seconds later, the line starts whizzing from the coil as the fish swims away forcefully. It shocks the poor guy and he drops the rod which starts getting dragged into the water.

I lunge after it and help Cas stand up, positioning myself behind him quickly and putting the rod back into his hands.

“Alright, ok. Now you’ve gotta flip this metal thing down here to lock the line.” I instruct. If we don’t lock it soon, there’ll be no line left on the coil. It’s kind of funny actually.

“W-what?” Cas asks in a state of panic because he has no idea what I’m talking about. We really should have showed him what to do _before_ casting the lines in.

With the angel leaning back on me, I slot my head over his shoulder and place my hands on top of his so I can guide them so he knows what to do. I move his hand to the metal bar and flip it so the line finally stops running. There is a hard tug on the line from the fish.

“Dean, what do I do?” he asks, still panicking and I have honestly never seen something so sweet in my life. Everyone is watching me get all close to Cas but heck, I don’t even care. We’re having a moment. Well, _I_ am anyway.

“Alright. It’s alright, now you’ve gotta reel in slowly to get the fish in.” I move his hand to the winder thing and move it clockwise. The line starts to come in slowly. “Ok, so you just need to keep doing this until you get the fish close enough so you can net it. If it starts tugging again, wait for a little while until it stops then start reeling in again. You don’t want to tear the hook out of its mouth or snap your line.”

Cas does as I say and I let go of his hands, letting him do this himself.

The others are watching in anticipation for Cas. This is gonna be quite a catch if he pulls it off. The big fish we’re dealing with here will be a pretty impressive first.

Cas stops reeling for a moment, and I see the thin tip of the rod bend a little showing the fish is tugging again.

I move my right foot back a bit because Cas is nearly completely leaning on me, and I need to keep my _own_ balance if I want him to keep _his._ The concentration is evident on the angel’s face. He’s trying _so_ hard to get this right. This one little thing right.

“I’ll get the net.” Sam announces, when Cas has nearly reeled the entire line and it looks promising.

After a couple more winds, the fish surfaces and starts flipping around in the air. Sam holds the net out underneath it and Cas manages to lower it in. Jody stands up to unhook its mouth and Cas’ line falls limp, the maggot from earlier gone.

“Awesome!” I beam, genuinely proud of the angel. Fishing is such a human thing to do and he’s doing it. Not to mention it’s hard when you first start, but the guy smashed it!

Cas smiles, proud of himself when Sam weighs the fish and claims it’s around 5 kilograms and Claire whoops for the angel.

“Hey, you wanna hold it?” I ask, and Cas does his signature confused-frowny-head-tilt.

“Why would I want to hold it?”

“Because that’s what you do when you catch a good one. You get a photo with it so you can show off to other people.

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“Um, okay?” He agrees and I let him lean against the tree that is next to us before walking over to the fish, knowing there is a mischievous grin on my face. This one’s real slimy as well.

I pick it up carefully and go back to Cas, “hold out your arms, dude.”

The angel does this reluctantly, but does it all the same. The moment he takes it out of my hands, he pulls the best facial expression I have ever seen. It’s an absolute picture.

There is a mixture of disgust and terror. He’s looking down at the fish in his arms, eyes wide with shock and uncertainty. At one point, it flips a little and startles the shit out of him.

“Oh my god, I have to get a picture of this.” I laugh, knowing that someone is also giggling behind me too at the scene before us.

I take my phone out of my pocket and get a few shots of the angel before finally letting him put the ‘slimy lump of muscle’ (as he called it) back in the lake.

“Dean.” Cas says, and I turn to look at him. He gestures to the slime and lake water clinging to his coat.

I chuckle and pluck a wet wipe out of one of the backpacks. “Here, let me.” I approach him and wipe down his coat best I can. I know I don’t _really_ need to be doing this for him – he has two fully functioning arms – but hell, I can take care of him all I want. ‘Cause I _do_ want to.

Once Cas is seated back in his chair and hooked up again, I smile at him and he smiles back. It is a genuine smile and one I have missed over the past few days.

Today is going to be awesome.

***

**11:30pm**

When we got in from fishing at around 2pm, we all got hot chocolate and watched a movie, cuddled up on the couch and armchairs. The heating thawed us out eventually and if I had one word to describe this day, it would be _bliss_.

Me and Cas left showering until late because we were so comfy under all of the blankets, but we reeked of fish and decided it would probably be a good idea to get cleaned up.

Currently, everyone is in bed, even Sam. We’re all exhausted after catching so many fish. Not many other people were there so I guess the little dudes were hungry. Not that I’m complaining.

“Well done today Cas.” I mutter to the angel who is lying next to me in the bed, the lights all turned off ready for sleep. He moves around a little and his wet hair brushes against my cheek.

“Thank you.” He smiles again and I lean forward and peck his lips, not really expecting it to go much further until Cas leans forward and presses a longer kiss to my mouth. I push back into him immediately, and once again like earlier, our lips lock together with their usual perfect fit.

Cas opens his mouth and lets my tongue in so I can scout every corner of his mouth. It tastes like minty toothpaste and just _Cas_. My favourite flavour of them all…was that a corny thing to say? Heck, I don’t even care.

I have no idea how it happened, but the kiss gets a little more heated and I end up straddling Cas’ hips, leaning down and draping over him so our mouths can stay connected.

The minute I trail my fingers down his body to grab the hem of his shirt, Cas goes rigid and his lips stop moving against mine. Did I take it too far?

“Cas, is something wrong?” I ask, even though I know there bloody well _is_ something wrong.

I lean back a little, giving the angel some space. He opens his eyes and looks at me, clearly guilty as hell.

“I…uh, I don’t really want to do this right now.” He admits, looking ashamed. He shouldn’t be ashamed for not wanting to do something.

Although, this does at least confirm my suspicions about the last time we got close like this. Cas really _was_ just caught up in the moment after that dream he had.

“I’m sorry Dean.” He mumbles, not making eye contact with me.

I sigh and get off him before gently grabbing his chin and making him look at me, “you have absolutely no reason to be sorry, okay? We’re doing this at _your_ pace remember. I don’t mind at all if you want to wait. I’m never ever going to be disappointed in you for not wanting to go too far. You hear me?” I ask softly but firmly.

“Yes.”

“Hey, listen, thank you for telling me, okay? I want to know if something we’re doing makes you uncomfortable.”

“Okay Dean. Thank you for understanding.”

I nod and smile warmly at him, “sleepy?”

“Yeah.” He yawns.

“Alright, c’mere.” I say, holding my arms out for him. He slides into my embrace and I wrap my arms tightly around him, him basically lying on me as usual with his head tucked into my neck.

I could get used to this. Fun days and relaxed nights with Cas. Who knew that snuggling could be so enjoyable?

*******

For the next few days, things run smoothly. Me, Sam and Claire went out on a small vamp case just a couple of miles away while Cas stayed home with Jody and Alex as they played board games. Cluedo remains to be Cas’ favourite at the minute because currently, he can’t physically play twister with all of his injuries.

I get a phone call from the doctors clinic, and they said that Cas’ results came out negative which we were thrilled about. He’s clean. It seems the only scars he has to deal with are the emotional ones. I’m so happy that at least _that_ went well.

We even manage to decode one of the daggers and find the spell that will lead us to its location, and hopefully the rest of the daggers too if that angel Omandriel mentioned still has them all.

I thought things were looking up until _that one night_. That _one night_ where all of our progress completely went to _shit_.

Wellllll, _kinda_.

***

**Castiel’s POV**

**3:30am**

_All I know is that I am in a dark room. A_ very _dark room. I don’t know whether this may be a good thing, or even a bad thing, but that’s all I know._

 _But then, somehow I know that my feet are shackled to the floor, and my arms are shackled above my head. Still, what if this isn’t so bad? What if it’s just a trick; a_ game.

_Someone in the corner of the room laughs and stands before me, his silhouette puncturing a strong light that suddenly turns on behind him. This is when I try and move, but the cuffs are tight and cutting into my skin._

_After my vision adjusts to the bright light, I see my brother, Omandriel, smirking down at me tauntingly._

_“Hello brother.” He murmurs, but his voice sounds inhuman and distorted. “I told you there was more to come.”_

_I gasp and shift again, but it is to no avail. ”You’re dead. This isn’t real.”_

_“Really? Okay, I’ll let you think that if you want. Whatever suits you.”_

_“Let me go.”_

_“Hmm, let me see. Nope!” He shouts and the noise echoes through the whole room, even though it isn’t even that big. “Besides, Dean here wants to watch all the fun unfold this time, don’t you?”_

_Another light shines to the corner of the room and I see Dean sitting idly by, calmly watching Omandriel as he starts kissing my neck._

_“Dean, help me!”_

_“Nah I’m good here. You need this Cas, it’s for the best. You need to learn how to be a good angel and do what I say.”_

_“But you said-“_

_“I don’t care what I said! You do what I want and what I say, or I let Omandriel play with you. There is no way out. You co-operate or we leave. Forever. I’ll never come back. You'll be_  alone _for the rest of your life_ _."_

_“No, Dean ,you have to help me! What are you doing?”_

_“I’m watching and I’m enjoying. Now shut it.”_

_Dean blinks and a pair of black, shiny eyes now stare at me harshly._

_“Y-you’re a demon again?” I gasp in terror._

_“Oh yeah. I always was. I’m just using you for a bit then when I get bored, I move on to my next toy.”_

_“Dean, this isn’t you talking!” I scream at him. He ignores me, chuckling like it's some kind of joke._

_I turn to Omandriel and see his taunting eyes staring down at me._

_“Dean! Help me! Please!”_

_“Help yourself.” He mutters before leaving the room._

_“You heard him. Help yourself."_

_“Dean!” I try to scream, but it just doesn’t work._

_“Cas!” Omandriel screeches in a deafeningly loud, terrifying voice. And again, “CASTIEL!”_

_I stare up at him through the blurry tears sitting in my eyes._

_“CAS, WAKE UP!”_

I open my eyes. All I see is light. Light is everywhere. Dean’s voice is everywhere.

**Dean’s POV**

It started when Cas began shuffling around, mumbling nonsense. That’s what woke me up. I thought it was nothing but he started stressing out and fidgeting like I’ve never seen him fidget before; not even while awake.

“Cas!” I yell, trying to shake him awake after turning on the light. He doesn’t wake up.

“Sam, Jody!” I yell towards the door and soon both of them burst into the room, taking in the situation with their tired eyes.

“He’s not waking up, he’s terrified.” I explain quickly and Jody turns the big light on using the switch on the wall.

“Castiel!” Sam yells, grabbing Cas’ shoulder and shaking him hard. It still doesn’t work.

“Dean! Help me!” Cas cries, stuck in his clearly horrifying dream. Tears leak out of his closed eyes as my brother carries on shouting at him.

Everything is going too fast for me to understand what’s going on.

Jody circles Sam, and crawls on to the bed next to where Cas is laying. She pushes the hair from Cas’ forehead and joins in trying to wake the poor angel, slapping his cheek gently. “Cas, you need to wake up buddy.” She tells him worriedly. She's actually great with Cas; she treats him like a son.

It gets worse; Cas cries out in his sleep, terrified out of his mind and I feel the sheets next to me get wet and warm. I pull the covers back and see a dark patch spreading across his pants, some of it spreading on to my shirt. I don’t even care. I told Cas that I wouldn’t mind if he wet the bed again, and I really don’t.

“No, no, no, come on honey, wake up.” Jody speaks again, noticing Cas’ issue and desperately trying to get him to come to.

If it’s gone as far as wetting, it’s fucking serious now.

“CAS, WAKE UP!” I shout and he suddenly sits up. His mouth is wide open as he hyperventilates, thinking he’s not getting enough air. One of his hands shoots up to grip the material of his shirt next to his chest like his lungs are burning.

“Cas?” The angel looks in my direction with wide eyes, but doesn’t really register my presence. “Fuck.”  I mutter, and Sam and Jody give me questioning looks. “He’s having a panic attack! Cas, you need to breathe slowly for me, okay? Slowly. I’m gonna put my hand on your back now.” I tell him. If someone’s having a panic attack, you gotta tell them if you’re gonna touch them or it could freak them out further. Yay! I know something about something for once.

He cries more, his breathing out of control, and flinches away from me. It’s as if he’s detached from everything. Nothing he’s seeing or feeling makes sense to him. All he knows is that he’s scared and he _is_ in or _was_ in danger. He’s shaking out of his skin, and there is a film of sweat clinging to his forehead.

“It’s ok. You’ll be okay.” Jody assures him, but none of our words are sinking in. “It’ll be over soon, we’re here for you.”

Sam leaves the room and returns soon with a paper bag and a wet washcloth. He hands the cloth to Jody and she wipes the sweat away from Cas’ face. I take the bag and hold it in front of the angel’s mouth. “Alright. Breathe. Just breathe. Deep and slow.” I tell him and he luckily takes hold of the bag and starts breathing into it.

“I’m gonna die.” He chokes out, his words slightly muffled by the bag.

“Look, I know you’re scared, but you’re safe here. We’ve got you. We’ve got you buddy.”

“I don’t want you to leave me!” He cries and Jody shushes him.

“Breathe.” I mutter into his ear and he finally listens, slowly but surely taking deeper breaths. “There you go. I’m right here. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

“I’m wet.” He claims, the tears still flowing freely.

“I know. But we’re not worrying about that are we? Remember what I said? We don’t mind. Just keep breathing.”

His breaths get deeper and the shaking starts to stop.

Once things get better, Cas’ grip on the crumpled paper bag finally goes limp and he drops it.

It seems like he’s completely calm. His eyes are open and his breathing is normal, but he’s looking down, fiddling with his fingers and not speaking a word. The crying has also stopped, but there are still tears staining his cheeks.

“Cas?” I whisper, but he just sits still. I can’t imagine what state of mind he’s in right now. Things have been going so well, and then _this_ happened. Damn, it’s now or never.

 _God. Get your ass here right now._ I pray. _NOW!_

Cas lifts his head and looks at right at me. The sparkle that has been in his eyes for the past few days is gone. All that is left is a dull blue full of hurt and pain. I shake my head at him subtly to say something along the lines of _I’m so sorry_.

He reaches for my hand and I take it. Jody and Sam stay quiet, just watching.

As soon as our fingers are locked together, I pull Cas into my arms and hold him there tightly. He stays silent. There’s no crying, no sniffling, just silence.

I have no idea where we’re going to go after this. Cas has probably been knocked right back down to the bottom _again_. I don’t know how many more times he can take before he completely snaps and, well, really genuinely can’t cope anymore. He needs a win, or I don’t know what he’s going to do. What if he _does_ want to end it all? End himself?

There is a sudden flash of bright white light and Cas disappears out of my arms. When my eyes adjust, I glance over at Sam and Jody and their eyes are wide with confusion. “What the hell?” I exclaim, but deep down, I think I know what’s going on. And, _thank god_ if it's what I think it is. Literally.

**Castiel’s POV**

The light engulfs me and I feel it take me somewhere. Somewhere high.

As soon as I stop moving, I look around. Everywhere is white, like the stereotypical heaven that people think of. I can feel the tears resting on my cheeks, more threatening to flow because what if that nightmare _was_ real. What if Dean really _has_ left?

“Castiel.” A man’s voice sounds from behind me. I turn around to see who it is and my jaw drops.

“…father?”

“Yes.” He replies, glancing me up and down with a confused look. I turn away from him, hiding my human disgrace. Why do nightmares have to be scary? Why do they have to be terrifying enough to reduce me down to a tear stained face, wet pants and a broken mind.

“Son.” He says again, and I force myself to meet his eyes.

He lifts his hand up and clicks his fingers, and I am suddenly wearing clean, plain white clothes. No socks though. Just a plain white t-shirt and white pants. The sweaty hair that was previously sticking to my head is now clean, and the tears are long gone. Up here, wherever we are, my leg is also no longer injured. It’s as if I just took an hour long shower and it washed _all_ of the physical pain away.

“What’s happening?” I ask, not being able to think of anything else to say.

God approaches me. He’s still using the vessel: Chuck Shurley.

“Your brothers, they hurt you with no real reason.”

“I-I did something they didn’t approve of. Metatron, he-“

“I know. I know everything. In fact, you’re still not doing so well now, are you?”

“…how do you know that-“

“Dean. He prayed to me. A while ago, actually.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I didn’t tell him to do that.” I clarify, but he looks at me like I’m not getting the point.

“No, _I’m_ sorry. You’re my son, and I’ve let everything grind you down to this. Please. Tell me. I want to know how you got here. Why you’re this low. And _why_ you keep thinking that if a Rita Zien found you, you’d let them take you. I heard you that day you had a breakdown Castiel. Why can’t you cope?”   

“Y-you really care about this? _Me?”_

This _can’t_ be real. It _can’t_.

“I do.”

I hold his gaze and realise he is really being genuine. He wasn’t like this when we saw him with Amara. He’s _listening_. He’s changed and I like it.

“Walk with me.” He says and we start strolling at a steady pace. " _Tell me_."

“Well...I can’t win. No matter how hard I try, I just _can’t_. Whatever I try ends up being worthless or counterproductive and I’m worried that if I try anything again, it’ll be the same. Then Omandriel and my brothers got me. They did unspeakable things and made me sick, taking my grace too. Now I’m just reduced to nothing.”

“All of this fear and terror, it’s not because of what they did to you, is it? It’s because of how you’re feeling about yourself. The nightmares, the insecurity, it’s because of how you’re thinking.”

He’s right. “…yes. The emotional baggage is not because of what my brother did to me: the torture and being coerced in to sexual acts. It’s my feelings about myself. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.”

He grabs my arm and stops me walking. “Castiel, you _are_ worth something. No matter how many times you fall, you get back up. You of all know that.”

“ _I know,_ it’s just…I’m tired father. I’m tired of pushing. Apart from my life, Sam, Dean and my friends, I have nothing left to lose.”

“Son, you’re worth so much more than you think. When you were younger, you were _always_ the one to question everything, to be so open minded. You wanted to understand _why, what and how?_ with everything you could. You were so interested in being different back then that I knew one day you would do something that doesn’t follow orders or rules; something that _you_ want to do. Of course, you were stuck under the influence of Zachariah and Raphael for a long time, but look how you turned out. You are the one who showed the angels that free will _does_ exist and there _is_ hope. You have so many great qualities, so I don’t want you to think that you are not enough, because in a lot of people’s eyes, including mine, you are everything good in this world. You have a huge heart Castiel, and it will always lead you in the direction that you think is well. The world needs you son, and so does Dean. I’m proud of you.”

The words sink in for a moment. He’s _proud_ of me. _Dad_ is _proud_ of _me_. Never did I think I'd hear those three words in the same sentence. Dad, proud, me.

“Thank you.” I whisper, not able to make my voice louder in fear that it will crack under the emotion of His words.

“Hold your hands out.” He instructs and I wonder why, but do it anyway.

God looks up to what must be the sky in this white atmosphere, and we both watch a small vial drop into my cupped hands. It has a blue, luminescent glow, and when I realise what it is, I stare in shock.

“My grace.” The vial is connected to a silver chain long enough to be worn around my neck.

“It’s all there. You can take it or leave it, or wear it around your neck. I don’t mind what you choose to do with it, but I want you to know that whatever you choose, you will be no less of a man, or an angel, or my _son_. The Winchesters are your family, they’re never going to leave you behind. I know I did, and I regret it every day – leaving my children to fend for themselves. You are _not_ alone Castiel. I know that it is the root of your problem, feeling alone. My leave has troubled you for a long while, and I know that I am the one that caused you to feel like you can’t completely trust anyone, like eventually they’ll leave you like I did. They won’t. You know what Dean’s like, he won’t stop at anything to get you or his brother back if one of you get separated. Remember this.”

This is my cure. This is what I needed. It’s not Omandriel’s abuse that’s been troubling me this whole time, it’s things that have been on my mind since God left. I understand everything. It’s as if it has all clicked in to place. I have worth. People need me. _Dean_ needs me.

“Why me? Why help _me?”_ My words spill from my mouth before I can stop them.

“Because _you’re_ _you_. And _they’re them_. You’re special. You’re kind to everyone and will always look at an argument from both perspectives. The world needs more like you, Castiel. You are the one who can make it better, even by hanging around with those Winchesters. I don’t want to sound too over the top or anything, but you are _destined_ to be good. Whatever you do always has good intention, and that’s a lot more than other people can say. Always keep fighting, son. You’re the best I’ve known yet.”

I can _feel_ a tear slip down my face, but this time, it isn’t from sadness, or embarrassment or humiliation or anything else. It’s _happiness_. It's happiness because for once, I _understand_.

I can _feel_ the sting in my nose and the burn in my eyes from the water continuing to build at the rims. Despite this melancholy experience of being human again, I am euphoric about the fact that I am finally able to endure the glowing sensation of _good feeling_.

I understand.

I let out a shaky breath, “thank you father.”

He smiles reassuringly and breathes, “call me dad.”

He then turns to leave, but I stop him with a “wait!”

The moment he faces me, I launch myself forward into his arms, something I’ve wanted to do for _so long_. He hugs back too, and finally I feel free of worry, free of anything negative and impure. _Safe_. Dad is here.

Everything's going to be okay, and now I have relieved my stress, I can go back to helping other people.

At this, a thought crosses my mind. “Um, would you mind doing one more thing for me?”

He pulls back and looks me in the eye. “Anything.”


	14. He Already Had My Heart Anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More feels, I guess :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm backkkkk

**Dean’s POV**

It’s been 15 minutes since Cas disappeared, and the three of us have no idea what to do. Jody started stripping the bed sheets while Sam went to talk to the girls about what happened and what all the noise was for. They were standing outside waiting for someone to come out and see if Cas was ok.

Everyone is awake basically.

I’ve also changed my shirt now, and the damp one I was wearing has joined the soiled sheets in the washing basket.

For all we know, Cas could be in danger, but there isn’t exactly much we can do until he appears again.

I am glad when there is another bright shine of light and Cas appears in the middle of the room dressed in jet white clothes, all of the mess from earlier gone. His hair is washed and he seems so clean it almost seems clinical. When the light disappears, he nearly falls because his leg injury must still be there.

I bolt over to catch him and expect to see him terrified out of his mind and broken, but no. There is a small smile ghosting his lips as he looks down at the glowing item in his hand. His grace.

“Cas, what happened, are you alright?” I ask quickly. He looks at me and smiles. One so strong that it reaches his eyes.

“I spoke to him. God, I spoke to God.” He beams. I can’t believe my ears when he says that. Could it be that he actually heard my prayer?

“And?”

“And…my mind, it’s…well, it’s at peace. _I’m_ at peace.” He breathes.

“You’re saying you’re mentally healed?”

“Yes. I understand. It all makes sense. I _finally get it_.” He pushes himself further into my arms and hugs me tighter than he ever has before. I hear him choke on a sob of relief and squeeze him back. “I’m not worthless.” He mutters.

“No, you’re not. You never have been buddy.” I smile to myself sadly.

“You’re not going anywhere.” I think he tells himself that more than to me. I agree though, I’m _not_ going anywhere.

“Yeah, I’m staying. You’re stuck with me.” I reply and the angel laughs through his tears. He really is fine.

He’s finally ok. _He’s ok._

“I’ll give you guys a moment.” Jody smiles, leaving with the washing basket and closing the door behind her.

Cas pulls back and I get to see his heart warming, teary-eyed smile. “He’s proud of me, Dean.”

“And so he should be.” I smile back and his eyes completely lock with mine. We’re a mix of candy apple green and swimming pool blue and I _love it_. “You’re such a great guy Cas. I wouldn’t want anyone else.” I admit to him and he squeezes my shoulders as if he’s nervous about something.

“Dean.”

“Hmm?”

He takes in a deep breath and takes my hand, interlocking our fingers. “I spoke to Claire about you.”

“I did guess that, yeah.” I chuckle.

“She said I should show you how I feel because guys can’t talk about things very well.”

“Oh? Well, I suppose she’s right. You and Claire have been looking at each other weird for days, is this what that was abou-“

Cas leans forward and presses his lips against mine. It’s not as gentle as the other times, but I can tell he’s saying something emotional with this.

I immediately fit my lips in their place against his and move my free hand up to his hair.

Only now am I aware that the lights are off and there is moonlight peeking through the curtains, shining right on us like this was supposed to happen at this very moment.

Cas moves his hand to the back of my neck and pulls me closer, our bodies flush together. The amount of emotion in this kiss is nearly overwhelming, and I can’t comprehend how strongly I feel towards Castiel. He’s everything I’m not, and it has taken me too long to realise it.  Much too long.

I feel my own tear roll down my cheek and I pull back slowly to look at him. _Him_.

“Cas, I can’t hold it back any longer. I-I love you. I’m in love with you.” I choke out through the tears that fall down my face.

He smiles, and I see that his own tears have not ceased flowing. He launches himself forwards again and smashes our lips together. “I love you too. So much.” He gasps between presses and slides of lips. The kiss is forceful because of all of the unspoken feeling we’re both dumping in to it. I feel so alive. We’ve waited too long to say this. Everyone knows apart from us and I can tell. The way they talk about the both of us. It’s clear.

Every time our cheeks brush together, I feel the wet tear marks and feel overjoyed because they’re due to happy feelings and happiness. We’re finally happy.

Once the kiss ends, we hug each other tightly, not wanting to let go ever. I now understand where my safe place is. In Cas’ arms.

 “IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.” I breathe in relief over his shoulder and I stroke his hair and do everything I’ve ever wanted to do.

Cas doesn’t respond with words. He just grips me tight…just like the first time in perdition. I could stay like this forever, but we have to eventually pull apart when Sam comes into the room with clean sheets.

I reluctantly let go of Cas and stare at the vial of grace in his hand. “Are you-are you gonna use it?”

He looks at it for a moment, blinking in thought, but then lifts it up and slides the chain around his neck before tucking it inside his shirt. “No.” He smiles. I get it, he wants to be human to enjoy these feelings. The feel of sleep, the feel of warmth, the feel of _me_.

I sit him down in the chair before helping Sam with the sheets. We get it done eventually and say our goodnights and thank yous and I supply him with a couple of answers about how Cas is feeling.

Once alone, we get back into bed. Cas tucks up against me immediately and I wrap my arms around the sleepy man on top me. I card my fingers through his hair and rub his back at the same time. “So, you’re sure you’re gonna be ok?”

“I’ll be fine, I know it.”

“Alright.” I smile and tilt my head to the side to give the angel a lazy kiss. He returns it until he has no energy left and his lips go limp, him being reduced to snoring softly. My heart swells and I feel like I can’t breathe.

 _I’m so in love with him_.

***

**7:20am**

I turn over in the warm bed, pulling the covers up closer so they are fitted around my neck to trap the air in and keep me nice and warm. The weather is finally starting to cool down, and it’s beginning to get too cold to just be sleeping in t-shirts and boxers.

Without looking at the clock, I know it’s early-ish because of the dew clinging to the window and the lush, green grass outside. This is all my eyes really register when thy slit open and I am content to just lay here all sprawled out on the mattress for another half hour or so. I can hear birds outside, and nearly fall back to sleep, slinging my arm over to the right expecting to find another warm body, but my hand hits the mattress awkwardly. Castiel is gone from the bed, and when I force my eyes completely open, I find that he is not in the room either.

I know he’s probably fine, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying a little, so I lift my arms up and clutch the top of the wooden headboard, literally dragging myself out from under the covers and blankets.

I groan and look around the room once more hopefully, wanting to find Cas asleep in chair or something, but he isn’t and that means I still have to get out of bed.

My bare feet touch the hard wood floor and they flinch away from it slightly when the coolness seeps into my skin (I must have toed my socks off during the night or something), but I still force myself up and begin to walk towards the wooden door,  just glancing into the bathroom in case Cas was in there. Nope, he’s nowhere to be seen.

Pushing the door open, light from the kitchen and living room streams right into my eyes forcing me to blink a couple of times to adjust.

Once the white shadowy things disappear from my vision, I see Cas and Alex standing by the breakfast counter, their backs turned to me. I hear a choke come from the angel, and begin to speedily approach them, but it turns into.. _laughter?_

“Cas?” I ask, and both of them turn around to look at me, happy smiles on their faces.

“Morning Dean.” He replies, his jovial mood evident through the light tone in his voice.

“Are you okay?” I ask, walking over to the pair.

He gives me a beaming smile “yeah, I’m fine.” As I get closer, I spot a blob of beige coloured goo on Cas rounded cheek. “Alex is showing me how to make waffles.”

“Really?” I finally smile back, their happy mood eliminating most of, if not all of my post-wake-up-grumpiness.

“Yep. He wants to say thank you to everyone for taking care of him, so he said he wanted to make us breakfast.” Alex sounds thoughtful as she says it. They both get on quite well, and she sounds like she’s already grateful for what Cas is attempting to do – the waffles haven’t even been made yet. Although, it’s probably impossible to not find Cas funny when trying to cook something. I’ll have to try it myself sometime.

“You have some on your cheek. Here.” I chuckle, swiping my thumb across the angel’s cheek to clear the batter form his face. Alex will guess we’re together if I do something like this, but I know she can keep a secret. She’s cool.

“I _knew_ you two were together.” She claims, rolling her eyes jokingly.

“Of course we are.” I shrug, smiling at her. “Cas, how did you get out here, anyway?”

“I’ve found that I can walk around a little bit without support.”

“Awesome. I don’t have to haul your ass around everywhere now.” I laugh, and I can see from Cas’ smile that he knows I’m joking. Thank _god_ , he’s feeling better. Well,   _literally_. Thank: _god_.

 “Can I help with this cooking or am I not allowed?” I ask.

“I wanna try it myself, Dean.” Cas decides, smiling shyly.

“Okie dokie. I’m gonna grab a shower. Have fun, Chef.” I say to Cas as he carries on whisking up the mixture.

A short shower later, I exit our room again and find everyone else up and awake, setting plates on the table along with syrup, chocolate sauce and a whole bunch of random chopped up fruit.

Cas is standing over the waffle maker, a smile on his face as everyone bustles around happily. The angel gets some pats on the shoulder from people and I have honestly never seen his smile that big before.

The good spirit of everyone this morning is pointing to a promising day. And I’m not gonna lie, those waffles smell freaking amazing.

As Cas finishes another set of waffles, Alex slides them on to a plate for someone to dig in to. The angel pours more batter into the maker and pulls the lid down, waiting for them to cook.

I go over and stand by Cas who is half supporting himself with one hand on the counter, and the other lifting the lid up on the maker to make sure the waffles are ok.

“How you getting on?” I ask, standing closer than probably acceptable for _‘two best friends’_.

“Really good. Cooking is science, and it doesn’t take long to learn the basics.”

“Speak for yourself, man.” I chuckle.

“You’re good at cooking too Dean, you just aren’t admitting it to yourself because you think it’s pointless when there are takeaways everywhere.”

“How long have you known that?”

“Since you made those burgers a couple of months ago.”

“What have I told you about reading my thoughts. My very slight culinary skills are supposed to be secret.” I grumble in a fake serious tone, and Cas laughs, flipping the lid open to serve another helping of pancakes. Alex takes them away to the table.

After briefly glancing back at the table to check no one is looking, I place my hand on Cas’ that is gripping the counter.

He smiles at me shyly and I just want to hug him right there, but I can’t. The guys at the table will _definitely_ see that.

“These are yours Dean.” Cas decides, checking on the still-raw waffles in the maker.

I glance at the mixture bowl and see that there is none left; just a few dregs in the bottom.

“Aren’t you having any?” I ask.

“Poisoning myself would be a foolish move, Dean.” He says seriously and for a second I give a horrified look until he starts smiling again. God, he had me there for a second.

“That wasn’t funny.” I hit the angel playfully, failing to hide the smirk in my voice.

“Not even a little?” He questions, his blue eyes looking straight at me. That cute, innocent,  _baby in a trenchcoat_ look will be the death of me.

“Ok fine, maybe a little.” I chuckle, watching Cas dump the last of the waffles on the plate. “You sitting at the table?”

“Yeah.”

“Kay.” I reply, grabbing my plate and helping Cas over to his chair.

There are yummy sounds coming from all ends of the table, and Cas looks really quite proud of himself.

“These are awesome.” Claire decides between mouthfuls of fluffy waffle.

I sit down in my seat and reach for the syrup before drenching the waffles in the sticky liquid.

I cut a chunk off one of the waffles on my plate before chopping it into smaller pieces. “Here.” I smile, pushing the pieces on to Cas’ empty plate with my knife and he looks at me thankfully.

“Thank you Dean.” He smiles, and I feel his hand enclose around mine under the table to join our touching knees. Cas then looks up, addressing everyone after eating one of the bite-sized pieces of waffle I gave him. “I wanted to show my gratitude towards you all. I can’t thank you enough for everything you have all done for me for the past couple of weeks. Thank you. So much. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem, hun.” Jody assures him, reaching over and squeezing his hand (the one above the table thankfully) before returning to her waffles. I also see Claire wink at the angel, and the other two give him great big smiles. I also give his hand a squeeze under the table, showing I heard him too.

The angel smiles to himself, happy that he has managed to repay everyone with stomachs full of amazing tasting food. You know what they say, _a way to a hunter’s heart is through home-made food._

Although, if I wanted to be really chick-flick, I'd probably say _Cas already had my heart anyway._ Oh dear me.

Once everyone has finished and is comfortably full (even Cas), Jody breaks the also comfortable silence. “So, what are the plans for today?”

We all sort of shrug simultaneously, “don’t know really. We already cracked one of the spells on the daggers so that’s all we need to find the rest of them.  There isn’t really anything to do apart from cast the spell. It’s oddly simple for being so ancient and Enochian, but yeah. It doesn’t need anything we don’t have in the back of the car.” Sam informs us, leaving even less for us to do today.  “We might want to cast it soon. Who knows who else wants to get their hands on those blades.”

In Sam language, that probably means we need to leave Jody’s house tomorrow. I do see Cas’ face fall a little, but Sam is right. We need to find those daggers.

This means we have to make this day _awesome_.

“I heard that there’s a new ice rink about half an hour away from here.” Alex shrugs and I’d be lying if I didn’t see a small flicker of hope and excitement in Cas’ eyes. Personally, I’m not too keen on the idea, but Cas _is_ , and I’ll do _anything_ for him. After all, he freaking deserves it after all of this crap he’s been through.

“Sounds good to me.” I shrug and Claire nods too as if to say _‘why not’._

“Okay, yeah. Nice idea.” Jody smiles and stands, clearing the plates away. Sam stands too and smiles, helping her with the plates.

“Sure.” He decides, drinking the last of his orange juice with three plates balancing on his gigantic hand.

“Let’s get ready then.” Jody decides, and we all retreat to our respected rooms.

“I bet you’ve never been ice skating before right?” I ask Cas while slipping his boots on to his feet for him.

“Of course I haven’t. Angel soldiers don’t have a lot of free time on their wings.” He chuckles, and honestly I’m just happy to see him happy. He’s even making crappy jokes.

“You _will_ fall over.” I tell him truthfully. “But that’s ok because I’m gonna be there.”

“Will I be able to do this? It’s just…my leg.”

“Yeah, you’ll just have to lean on me a lot, ok? Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” I assure, typing up the laces on my boots before helping Cas to the bathroom so he can go before we set off. I think he is actually _finally_ getting the hang of that too. Woop for the angel!

We meet everyone in the front room, all dressed in warm clothing to fend against the cooler temperature outside.

“Alex, do you know the way there?” Claire asks as we all exit the house to get into cars.

“Yeah, I can drive there. You gonna follow me, Winchesters?”

“You got it.” I reply, helping Cas in to the back of the Impala. I would’ve liked him to be up front with me, but Sammy’s legs would be squished in the back.

The rest of us get inside the cars and we make our way to the ice rink.


	15. The Elephant in the Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cause I'm Mr Brightsideeeeee...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Destiel feels - beware! :)

“Deeeaaannn, I don’t like this.” Cas whines, watching everyone else slowly step into the gap on the edge of the rink, slipping a little before they adjust their feet to the slippery ice.

“C’mon Cas, you’ll love it once you get going.” I assure, stepping up through the gap myself before holding on to the side with one hand and reaching out the other for Cas to grab. He does so reluctantly, and the minute his skates hit the ice, his eyes go wide as he nearly slips over. Luckily for him, I have a firm grip on his jumper so he doesn’t fall the whole way, but that doesn’t stop him holding on to the side crookedly, hanging close to the floor. He’s gripping on to the side so tight, it’s as if when he lets go, he’ll be launched into space.

I manage to help him get his balance also with Sam’s help, who was laughing his ass off at Cas nearly falling over already. We both take one of his arms and move forwards, helping him glide across the ice without him putting much pressure on his leg.

I try not to laugh at the terror on his face, but a few chuckles creep out of my mouth and the angel glares at me. “What? I’m sorry, it’s just really funny seeing an angel of the lord try to ice skate.”

Cas rolls his eyes and holds on to me for dear life when Sam flies off, confidently gliding across the ice. Obviously, with _his_ hair, you’d _expect_ him to be good at this. Dammit Sam. I half expect his hair to start flipping around as he goes, frolicking in his dress.

“Dean!” Cas panics when he wobbles a little when we go over a small bump in the ice.

“Hey, don’t worry. Come on, I got you. You’re a fast learner, you got this.” I assure, and he looks to the floor, concentrating on keeping his balance. He moves forwards, one foot then the other until we are moving.

Slow, but moving all the same.

“There you go!” I laugh as Cas grips tighter on to my jacket. I’m enjoying this, actually. It’s a good excuse to have Cas close to me. Maybe that’s the only reason _he_ came out and braved this. Aw.

“I love you.” I whisper in to his ear and his already rosy cheeks go a small shade darker.

He smiles shyly at me again like earlier and it warms me straight up.

You know what, if any other hunters found us ice skating like this, I wouldn’t even care. We’re having fun after months of hard work with god and Amara and mom and everything. We deserve this little day of stupid fun. It’s that, or Cas has made me go soft. I’m gonna tell myself it’s not the latter even though I know it fully well _is_.

Cas moves a little faster, finally starting to get the hang of it. Claire zooms over to us, spraying ice everywhere when she skids to a halt skilfully.

“How are you so good at this?” I ask, pretty amazed at what she can do. Like, this is _Claire_. Of all people…

“I used to do this all the time when I was younger. I won medals.” She laughs, looking quite happy considering that was something she did before her family got screwed up. Maybe she really has started to move on. If she is, hats off to her to be honest. That's some tough crap to recover from.

Me and Cas move a little further until we meet Jody and Alex who are also struggling to get used to the ice. Sam and Claire are clearly the ones who are the best at this.

“Hey you two.” I call to them, having to speak up a little because of the pop music blasting out of the speakers.

“Hey boys.” Jody greets, struggling over to us. Her and Alex are in a similar position to us; holding on to each other for dear life and nearly falling over like a thousand times. “You alright?”

“Yeah we’re good. Cas is learning fast.” I laugh as he slips a little from leaning on me without concentrating on what his feet are doing because of the conversation. “I never knew the Sasquatch could skate.” I tell them, referring to my giant brother.

“Me neither.” Jody laughs, watching him and Claire skate side by side, flying around the rink in fast ovals.

“Guys,” Alex gets our attention, pulling out her phone, “selfie.” She commands and we all struggle into the view of the camera. All of our faces are red from the cold. Me and Cas stand behind Jody and Alex as the photo is taken and we all laugh when she opens the photo, showing all of us.

“Send that to me, kid.” I ask nicely before we all go our separate ways again.

I fling my arm around Cas’ waist again so his leg doesn’t cause any problems and we set off once more, skating around to what I think is Mr Brightside.

_Destiny is calling me._

Other people in the rink sing along to the well-known song. 

 _Open up my eager eyes_.

I gaze at Cas’ concentrated face as he tries to keep his balance as we move faster this time.

_‘Cause I’m Mr Brightsideeeeeee._

I stop him from moving and make him face me. I get closer to him and lean closer next to his ear. I risk running my fingers through his hair before hugging him.

“I don't know why, but I just wanna say that, Cas, you’re my whole world. You’re so special and I can’t get over how lucky I am to have you with me like this.”

Maybe it was the song, but I had a sudden need to say that to the angel. _My_ angel.

“I love you Dean. Always have, always will.” He mutters back quietly, his cold nose brushing against my slightly warmer cheek while my own nose is buried in his hair that still smells like cinnamon.

I hug him tightly before backing away and putting my arm around him again so we can carry on skating.

Who the fuck cares if anyone saw us have a little intimate moment. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? Not give a shit what other people think? Besides, Cas is _mine_ and I want everyone to know that.

We skate around for a while longer until we go over another bump and this time it is _me_ who nearly falls. On instinct, I grab on to Cas as hard as I can, and much to my luck, I manage to grab a ticklish part on his waist.

He giggles immediately, despite my situation and he can’t stop because my hand seems to be refusing to let go of him. Cas laughs harder, and I am left bending over forwards too far, then backwards too far several times trying to gain balance, all the while my free arm is flailing around everywhere.

Eventually though, Cas loses balance too and we both go crashing down to the floor, Cas still laughing his ass off for some reason. Is he still giggling because of being ticklish, or at the sight of me flipping around trying to stay standing?

I only register parts of the song now, but it’s still good all the same.

I find that I have landed on top of Cas, our coat-clad chests flush together and our faces inches apart. He carries on laughing, but I shut him up when I press a gentle kiss to his lips.

_I just can’t look, it’s killing me._

_And taking control._

Our lips glide together like the ice skates that zoom past our faces every few seconds. In this way, us and the skates are similar, in another way, our lips spark electricity those ice skates don’t. Our lips create a flame that spreads through every fibre of our bodies, devouring our nerves and making them tingle. I don’t want to hide us any longer. I want to be able to hold Cas’ hand whenever I want, kiss him whenever I want.

For a while, it feels like no one else is around. It's just the two of us in the entire world. All I can focus on is  _Cas Cas Cas_ , but that soon leads to me thinking  _love love love_ and I, well...I love it. 

Some wolf whistles sound as random people skate past us, and we break the kiss smiling warmly at each other, both knowing that everyone in the rink has now, at some point, seen us kissing. I don’t even care.

_‘Cause I’m Mr Brightsideeeeee._

I scoot off Cas and make an effort to stand up. It takes a while, but I eventually get balanced on my feet again; enough to get Cas up too.

“I really do love you too.” He whispers into my neck, planting a gentle kiss to my jaw. His hot lips linger on my cold skin and I can’t focus on anything else around me. _Only him_. _Only_ his lips. It sends shivers up and down my spine as I focus on his equally hot breath burning into my skin.

When he pulls back, I move my arm from around his waist up to his bicep and rub it so he doesn’t get too cold. I brush some of the flakes of ice out of his hair before they can melt and then we start up again.

Every so often, I move my fingers across one of his ticklish spots, knowing that I’m never going to get tired of that laugh.

We skate around for a while, crossing all of our friends more than a dozen times on our way around the rink.

I pull my phone out of my pocket so fast I’m worried it might slip out of my hand before taking a picture of my brother who went over a bump and slipped, more or less face-planting into the ice, sliding across the floor.

I should go and check on him, but I’m just too busy laughing my ass off. I rarely laugh this hard, but man is this hilarious.

We slowly make our way over to join Sammy, Claire, Jody and Alex who have all gathered around him to help him up. He claims he’s fine, and everyone’s attention is turned on to me and Cas when we approach our friends.

Me and the angel are holding hands right now, and there's no doubt they all saw us kissing.

_Elephant in the room, much?_

Not that I care though.

Sam smiles warmly at us, and Claire makes a fist in the air, high-fiving Alex because I swear those two have been plotting to get us together.

Jody winks at the two of us before they all return to skating around.

We do the same, but after a while, Cas claims his leg is starting to hurt and his ass is wet from falling over earlier. I’ve gotta admit, my feet are starting to get uncomfortably cold too so we move to the side of the rink before getting out and getting the skates off.

Cas is overdue for his shot of painkillers anyway so we catch the Jody’s attention by the side and tell her we’ll wait for everyone in the café.

We retrieve our shoes and I help Cas walk over to the warm-looking room full of chattering people sipping hot drinks. Before claiming a table, we go to in the disabled bathroom where I sit Cas down on the chair in the corner.

I rifle through the supply bag we brought and grab the syringe needle-thing with the painkiller.

At this point, Cas knows the drill, so he leans over and pulls the left half of his pants down. It’s healing very well actually, which I’m pleased about because it means Cas won’t be physically suffering for too much longer.

“If only we packed spare clothes.” He mumbles, pinching his cold, ice-soaked pants that are sticking to him from falling over multiple times along with the time we fell down together.

“Aha!” I say, putting the unused needle down carefully on the side. “We _did_.”

“Why?” He asks, “you didn’t know I’d keep falling over and getting wet from the ice.”

“Well, it was Sam’s idea really. These sweats are big enough to fit me, you or Sam. We knew _someone_ would end up getting wet.”

His confusion dissolves, “oh, I see.” He nods.

“I know right, trust Sam to be all prepared.” I chuckle. “You wanna put them on?”

“Yeah, that would be much more comfortable.”

I help him slip off his icy pants before retrieving the needle and pushing it into his skin next to the stab wound. He winces as the liquid goes in, but sighs softly in relief when it starts to work away the aches in his leg.

I help him into the dry, black, slightly too big sweatpants and we exit the bathroom. I just can't not notice how they hang low on his hips, showing a pair of sharp hip bones that peek out from under his shirt when he lifts his arm up so I can help him walk. Damn.

We order some hot chocolate for Cas, and a coffee for me before finding a booth next to the window.

Cas shuffles into the same cushiony bench next me. He gets close enough for our thighs to be touching and rests his head on my shoulder, sipping at his warm drink, and at some point locks our fingers together under the table as well.

“Comfy?” I mutter into his hair and he nods gently, taking another sip of his drink as we wait for the others.

Me and Cas sit in comfortable silence for a while until I think to get my phone out and look at the pictures of my brother falling over.

I chuckle when I see the first one. Sam is in the process of sliding across the ice while his limbs sort of a make him look like a starfish from being all spread out.

I scroll to the next one where Sam is failing to get up, the floor underneath his feet betraying him as he tries to stand on the slippery surface. He looks like he’s breakdancing.

The one after that is of Sam catching his balance, pretty much doubling over with his arms stretched out in front of him in a pathetic attempt to stay upright. He looks like he’s about to dive into a swimming pool. Claire is laughing her ass off in the back ground.

The next one is the funniest, and it even brings a deep rumble out of Cas’ chest as he chuckles softly around the rim of his mug.

It is of Sam, who is finally standing up, but he is wearing his signature bitch face because he has noticed I took photos of him. There are flakes of ice clinging to his long hair, and I zoom in on his pissed-off looking face. Cas laughs a little harder and I screenshot the close up of my brother’s face. This could be considered childish but this is too funny to ignore. I’ll have to remember to set it as my brother’s phone's lock screen when he’s not looking.

I put my phone away and bring my coffee mug to my lips, taking a swig of the delightful, warm caffeine.

Cas places his empty cup down and nestles closer in to my shoulder, all of the skating around having clearly taken a toll on his energy.

“You can sleep if you want, Cas.” I mutter into his ear and his grip on my hand tightens. I actually have no idea how he’s managing to even _consider_ sleeping around all of these rowdy people, but heck, he must be tired.

His eyes close and I sit still for around fifteen minutes so he can rest for a little while. That is, until the others come in and slip into the booth – Jody, Sam and Alex opposite us and Claire next to Cas.

They immediately see the snoozing angel and keep their voices hushed.

“Worn himself out, huh?” Sam asks rhetorically, eyeing Cas’ empty mug.

I nod nonetheless and Sam takes out his phone, scrolling through some photos before turning it around for me to see. It is of me and Cas kissing on the ice when we fell over. Sweet.

I would have asked for the photo but that would probably encourage Sam to torment me more.

“You two are so cute together. I’m glad it finally happened.” He beams, pretending to be a teenage girl to annoy me.

“Shut up Sam.”

“Don’t kid yourself, Dean. You want this photo, don’t you.” He states, raising his eyebrows while he waits for my response.

I blush a darker shade of red and grumble “no” firmly, but Sam sees straight through me. “Anyway, two can play at that game, bitch.” I claim, grabbing my phone and opening up the screenshot of Sam’s angry face.

“Jerk!” He calls at me when he sees my newest blackmailing tool. His loudness wakes Cas up with a jump and I shoot him a sarcastic _‘way to go’_ glare.

“Hey there, Cas.” Jody greets as the angel looks around the table at our friends who, in his eyes, have just randomly appeared from nowhere.

“When did you get here?” He asks none of them in particular.

“Couple of minutes ago.” Sam chimes in again.

“Dean, why didn’t you wake me?” The angel asks, and I grip his hand that is still under the table.

“You needed some rest.” I defend, and that seems to suffice because Cas stops with all the questions. He yawns deeply which proves my point further.

“Guys look at this.” Alex says, holding out her phone for everyone to see the picture of me, Cas, her and Jody. It’s a really great photo actually.

“That’s awesome.” I say, happy that we managed to capture that moment.

“Ooh! You wanted a copy of it didn’t you?” Alex fiddles around on her phone for a little while before she puts it down and says “sent!” happily.

My own phone buzzes a couple of seconds later. I smile at Alex and she smiles back.

Alex is cool, I like her. Jody’s done a good job of looking after her and bringing her out of her shell.

“Claire.” Cas suddenly asks.

“Hmm?” She questions.

“Will you be free at approximately,” the angel starts. He grabs my wrist and looks down at my watch before looking back up at Claire, “7:27pm tonight?”

The girl pulls a confused face before shrugging, “um, well, yeah I guess so.”

Even _I_ don’t know what Castiel is going on about.

“Good.” He smiles and then watches me when I take another sip of coffee.

“Are you guys getting drinks?” I ask the other four, and they shake their heads.

“Nah, I’ve warmed up now.” Jody claims and the girls nod to agree with her.

“I guess we should get back soon anyway. Gotta pack.” Sam points out, and unfortunately he’s right.

I drain the last of my coffee and pick up my phone to open the photo Alex sent. I smile when I look at it. Yep, ‘that one’s a keeper’ as an apple pie family would put it.

My brother slips out of the booth along with Jody, Claire and Alex. Cas shuffles along too, and Sam helps him stand while I get up myself.

I take Cas from Sam, not taking my attention away from my phone. We all make for the exit but Cas stops walking for a second.

“Dean?” He asks.

“Yeah, bud?” I ask, not looking up from my phone as I now scroll through my emails. _Boring, boring, boring, not interested at all, boring, why do you keep emailing me, boring, don’t care, don’t care, self-promotional assholes, who even are you, nope, go away._

“Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?”

I finally glance up from the screen and meet Cas’ eyes. He’s saying this himself, not me. Now there’s an improvement! Yes!

“Yeah absolutely. Alright, we’ll be right back guys.” I tell our friends, keeping my eyes on the phone to make this seem like a mundane task to them – which it is – but not in Cas’ opinion. He’ll feel better if I don’t make a big deal of it.

I help Cas into the disabled toilet again so there is enough room for both of us and put my phone away. “You alright?”

“Yeah, fine. I've really enjoyed today.” He says.

I get behind him and Cas leans back on me while he does his business.

“Yeah me too. How’s your leg doing?” I ask, placing my hand on his back for a bit of extra support.

“That’s ok too.” He confirms, reaching over to the sink to wash his hands after flushing the toilet.

I hold Cas’ waist as he rubs the soapy water over his hands. When I look into the mirror, I watch his eyes nearly droop completely and then pop back open again.

“Cas, are you sure you’re ok, you look exhausted.” I tell him.

“I thought that still came under the list of feeling okay, because I’m not in pain or anythi-“

“I guess you’re right." I chuckle, "sleep in the car if you want?”

“If that’s ok.”

“Of course it’s ok.” I assure and smile, opening the door and getting us back into the café area.

We all walk out of the doors, chattering happily.

“Damn, my tail bone kills from falling over.” Sam complains, but it just earns a laugh from Claire. Sam glares at her but smiles all the same. “Claire, how did you start skating back then?”

“I was a dork in Elementary school basically.” She laughs.

“Oh, so you were one of those kids that did all the extracurricular stuff? That sounds like Sam.” I laugh.

“Yeah, well at least I didn’t get bitch slapped in the middle of the high school cafeteria for cheating on Emilia Jameson.” Sam shoots back.

“Whaaat? She was a two faced snake, what can I say?” I chuckle, remembering that day. Fine, it was humiliating at the time but definitely funny now.

She had a great body to be fair. _Nowhere near as good as Cas’ though._

Damn, I really need to get my subconscious thoughts under control.

Sam shakes his head at my comment, dodging a parking column as we walk through the lot.

“Anyone else’s feet aching?” Jody asks, pulling her car keys out of her pocket.

“Heck yeah.” Alex agrees, “it’s worse than wearing heels for an hour, and that’s really saying something.”

Jody laughs before saying “meet you back at home boys” when we reach their car.

The impala is parked a bit further away so me, Sam and Cas walk for a while longer. 

Cas flexes his back under my arm and groans.

“You alright Cas?” Sam asks.

“Yeah, it’s just, falling over made the cuts on my back ache a little, that’s all.”

“’S it too bad?” I ask, opening the car door for Cas.

“Not severe.” He shrugs.

I go to open the passenger door when Sam stops me. “Get in the back with Cas, Dean.”

Shrugging, I climb in the back with Cas. It’s not like I’m gonna complain about that.

“Is this because you know we’re together now?” I groan at him.

“Partly, but it also helps because it seems like Cas needs an extra soft surface to lean on.”

I roll my eyes at him and he starts up the Impala to drive back to Jody’s house.


	16. Tired Equals Grumpy

**7:25pm**

“Can you not just tell us what’s going on at 7:27 Cas?” I ask, frowning at the angel who is twiddling his thumbs anxiously.

“No, I can’t, because you’ll _see_ what it is at 7:27.”

We all give him confused looks because of his vagueness. He said that Claire was the only one that really had to be here, but we’re all just kind of snooping in on this anyway, wondering what _the hell_ he’s expecting to happen.

“Ugh, fine.” I throw my arms up and we wait another couple of minutes.

I glance at my watch, and the second it turns to 7:27, Cas starts twitching and spasming violently, making him slip off the couch.

After a couple of seconds of shock, we all start freaking out and yelling his name, wondering if this is supposed to happen.

“Cas?! Cas!” I shout, but it doesn’t help in the slightest.

He groans and writhes around on the floor, all of us surrounding him thinking that whatever Cas was expecting, it somehow went wrong.

That is, until he stops and remains still, breathing heavily into the carpet.

“Hey, hey buddy, what the hell was that?” I ask him, grabbing hold of his arm and helping him sit up.

“That? _That_ was unpleasant.” He replies, but he sounds…lighter? All of the gruffness in his voice has gone, and has been replaced with a softer ring to his words. The guy blinks a couple of times and runs a hand through his hair then down his face – something that Cas would never even think of doing. To be honest, his facial expressions alone make it clear that _this is not Cas_.

“Who are you?” I ask, sporting a defensive tone in my voice. What if some bastard is possessing Cas?

“He didn’t tell you?” The guy asks, looking at me with his confused features, “Castiel, he arranged this. It’s me, Jimmy. Jimmy Novak.”

I blink at him in absolute shock, “wh-what?”

“The lord came to me in heaven. He said I had some time to make amends, using Castiel as my vessel to speak.”

“Make amends with who?” I ask incredulously.

“Dad?” A small voice comes from behind him.

 _Oh_.

Ca- Jimmy turns around slowly and looks at his daughter whose eyes are filled with tears.

“Yeah honey, it’s me.” He smiles, using my assistance to stand and approach her. I let go of him though once he is leaning on the arm of the couch.

Claire launches forward into his arms and the two hug tighter like never before.

“For real?” She sobs into his shoulder.

“For real.” He confirms, several tears slipping down his own face.

“Oh my god.” She whispers, “I missed you so much, dad.”

“I know. I know, I’m sorry.” He soothes rubbing her back while the rest of us gape at the scene unfolding before us.

“You and mom left me.” She cries more.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” He mumbles into her hair, now half sitting on the arm of the couch. He pulls back and looks at her in the eyes, “listen, I don’t have very long okay?”

Claire nods weakly.

“Me and mom are up in heaven now, and every day, _every_ day, we think of how proud we are of our daughter. You’ve grown up to be such a strong young woman and we love you more than _anything_ in this world. I’m so sorry, for everything that happened to you and anything in between. I can’t imagine how hard it was, but you’re through the worst of it, and now it’s going to be so much better.” His voice breaks on his words but he carries on, “I know it’s been difficult seeing Castiel as me, but he’s trying _so_ hard to make it up to you. I promise that he _will_ keep you safe, just like he did _me_.”

“How’s mom?” Claire chokes out.

“At peace. We’re both happy where we are, and I can’t put in to words how much we miss you. And I’m sorry for everything I put you through. So, so sorry.” His breath hitches and the tears keep on coming. “It’s dragging me back now, I can feel it.” He mutters and it upsets Claire more.

“No, Dad, don’t leave me!” She sobs, grabbing on to his shirt and gripping tight.

I can tell it pains him to do so, but he reaches up and places his hand on her heart, “I’m not going anywhere, bub. Me and your mom are right in here. Forever and always.”

She calms slightly and nods, “I love you Dad.”

He nods and hugs her tightly, “I love you too. Stay strong for me.”

“I will.” She says, and just like that, he is gone.

An elegant blue mist leaves Cas’ mouth and floats up to the ceiling, lingering for a second and disappearing through it…back to heaven, and just like that, Jimmy’s soul is now gone.

“Oh my god.” I mutter.

Jody moves over to a still crying Claire and hugs her tightly, stroking her hair and whispering comforting words.

Jimmy’s old vessel, which is still sitting on the arm of the couch goes limp and falls to the left, heading for the ground. Sam catches him before he can hit the floor though, and I must assume that Cas is now back, just resting from using energy to be able to be possessed my Jimmy.

Nobody says anything. We just sit, feeling bewildered, all asking ourselves questions along the lines of, _did that really just happen?_

Sam is the first to break the silence.

“I’m gonna get him in to bed.” He hauls Cas up. The angel’s eyes flicker open and closed a few times, but it is brief and he’s barely conscious.

“Yeah, I’ll help.” I decide, thinking it’s probably respectful to give Claire some space while she grieves.

Alex leaves too after giving Claire a reassuring pat on her shoulder.

Me and my brother get Cas on to the bed and find that he has entered a relatively deep sleep.

“You go, I’ll stay with him for a while.” I tell Sam, noticing that he also brought in a fresh bottle of water for Cas when he wakes up.

“Alright.” My brother says, nodding to me before leaving the room.

I climb on to the bed and pull Cas up a little so he can rest his head on me instead of a pillow.

My fingers comb through his hair as I recall what happened between Jimmy and Claire.

“That was one hell of a thing you did back there, Cas.” I start, not minding that he is asleep and can’t actually hear me. “Obviously in a _good_ way. Claire’s never gonna forget that, you know. Once she stops crying, she’ll be a very happy kid, I tell you that. It’s for doing things like this that I love you, Cas.” I smile.

The angel mumbles in his sleep and tucks his head closer in to me as if he heard everything I said.

***

**30 Minutes Later**

Cas finally stirs and his eyes open slowly to meet mine.

“Hey there.” I smile, and once the angel moves to sit up, he groans in pain and reaches for his head.

“Yeah, I assumed you’d have a headache after that. Here, drink this.” I tell him, uncapping the bottle of water and handing it to him.

He gulps down around half of it down before handing it back to me. “Did it go well?” He rasps out.

“Hell yeah it did. There was a lotta crying but I know Claire was the happiest kid ever when it happened.”

“Good.” He sits up and rubs his temples.

“You did a good thing, Cas.” I mutter, placing my hand on his back.

“I asked God for a small favour. That’s what it was.” He smiles shyly and moves to the edge of the bed. I help him up, bottle of water still in hand and we make our way out of the room together.

I notice Claire and Jody still sitting on the cough along with Alex who must have joined them when Claire calmed down. Sam is also sitting jotting some things down in his notepad, glancing at his tablet every few seconds.

Cas shuffles his feet nervously and I clear my throat to catch their attention.

Claire looks around at us first, and jumps up without hesitation, approaching Cass with a serious look.

For a moment, I think she’s going to hit him, but he lets out a gasp of surprise when her arms wrap around him tightly.

He slowly lifts his arms up to her too, hugging her back. It’s not like the one she had with Jimmy, but there is still a lot of emotion being crammed in to it.

“Thank you.” She mutters and he nods, smiling to himself sadly.

“I owed _you_.” He says with finality, and she laughs happily.

They pull back from each other and smile again, their relationship still building to a friendlier one than they had before.

Claire goes back to sit down with Alex and Jody, leaving Cas in a happy daze about making Claire so happy.

I take his hand and squeeze it reassuringly.

What a good day.

***

**7:56am**

“Now, take care boys.” Jody tells the three of us as we stand by the door with our bags.

“We will. Thank you _so_ much for having us.” I smile and the sheriff encloses me and Cas both in a hug.

“It was a pleasure.” She assures warmly. She then moves on to Sam and tells him goodbye. He thanks her too.

Claire walks up to Cas and also gives him a tight hug. “Thanks again.” She tells him genuinely. “I’ll see you round?”

“Yeah.” Cas beams, happy to be finally on her good side officially now.

Claire then moves over to me and smirks, holding her hand out. “Call me if you need some help on a hunt, jackass.” She jokes.

I shake her outstretched hand and roll my eyes, “stay out of trouble, idiot.”

“Sure.” She shakes her head and goes to hug Sam.

Alex comes to us next and holds her hand up to Cas for a high five. He gives her one and she smiles proudly, “It was fun making waffles with you Cas.” The angel smiles. “And remember, if another guardians of the galaxy movie comes out, I’m totally gonna call you and we are so watching it.”

“I’d like that.” Cas laughs and hugs Alex too.

“Have fun at college.” I tell her and she nods her thanks.

“Have fun hunting.” She replies and stands next to Claire.

Sam opens the door of the house and leads us through in to the driveway next to the Impala.

“Stay safe lads. And Dean?” Jody asks.

I turn around to face her, “yeah?”

“Try to eat something green every once in a while.”

I laugh and nod, “sure. If you’re referring to mint flavoured ice cream, then sure!”

Jody rolls her eyes as if to say _you know what I mean_ as the three of us pile in to the Chevy. Me and Cas up front, and then Sam in the back. We have to go along those bumpy roads again and that would probably make Cas sick (again) if he doesn’t sit in the front. He tried to tell Sam no because his legs would be squished in the back but my brother insisted otherwise.

The girls and Jody wave as I pull out of the driveway and we set off.

“So, I was thinking we should go back to Indiana. That’s where the vic was. You know, the one who was killed with one of the knives. We could check in to the same motel and then cast the location spell. That’ll lead us to the angel that has the other daggers.”

“And then we storm in and gank her ass.” I add.

“What? Dean, no!” Sam protests, his voice going all high. “What if we can talk to her?”

“Talk? _Talk_ to an _angel_? You’re kidding yourself Sammy.”

“ _You_ talk to _Cas_.” He deadpans, “well, you’ve probably _done_ a lot of other stuff to him as well no doubt.” He mutters quietly, making me flush a dark shade of red.

“Getting back to the point?” I grumble at him.

“Fine. Cas, didn’t you say the angel had those blades for her well-being or something? They might have threatened her since it was a false case. You know, to lure us there.”

“Yes that’s correct.” The angel confirms. “But Sam, going back to the other thing you said, what other ‘stuff’ has Dean done to me? I don’t understand.”

“Nothing!” I chip in quickly, earning a confused look from Cas but he (unfortunately) eventually clicks in. Keeping things secret has always been an advantage of Cas' naivety but apparently not today.

“Ohh, I get it. He means that time when I woke up from that erotic dream in the night and you-“

“Cas, _please stop talking_.” I cringe through my teeth, not wanting my brother to get too much information about what we did that one time behind closed doors.

Sam snorts, pulling his tablet out of his backpack. “Whatever guys. It’s not like I care anyway.”

Sam goes silent after that from checking over spell ingredients. I’m thankful for it too because that conversation was getting damn uncomfortable. I’m worried if I think about that night with Cas too much, I’m gonna need a cold shower.

I drive for a while along the road trying to avoid any huge pot holes so the wheels on the car don’t get stuck in them or anything. We pass the place where Cas threw up and it sends a shiver down my spine at the memory. Thankfully, the man himself doesn’t notice.  

By the time we reach the highway, Cas is fast asleep with his face pressed against the window. I’m starting to think he can fall asleep _anywhere_ if he puts his mind to it.

A couple of hours in, I stop off at a gas station to fill the tank of the car. It’s gotten quite low what with driving to ice rinks and whatnot.

Cas grumbles when I nudge him out of sleep.

“C’mon Cas, you must at least be hungry.”

There is something I have learned today.

Cas is grumpy when he’s tired.

It’s annoying and adorable in equal measures.

 _Fine_ , maybe _slightly_ more adorable than annoying.

Okay, a _lot_ more adorable.

“Fine.” He moans, rubbing his eyes and letting Sam help him out of the car.

The three of us enter the shop to pick out what food we want. Sam stays at the counter to pay for the fuel while me and Cas walk around the shelves. All my brother requested was ‘something salady’ so we head over to the fridge area first.

Immediately after this, I spot the pie and decide that will be enough for me. Well, because pie is pie and I love pie.

“What you gonna go for Cas?” I ask the angel next to me as he eyes up the sandwiches.

“I have no idea.” He admits, scanning all the flavours and fillings and stuff.

I do the same for a while until I come across one I know he’ll like, “oh, hey look. PB and J. You like that, right?”

“Yeah.” Cas agrees and we head back to the counter where Sam is ready to pay.

We dump the food on the table along with some big bottles of water and a 6-pack of beers.

The bored looking cashier takes Sam’s fraud card and runs it through the machine with no problems.

We pick up the food and use the restroom facilities before getting back on the road and cracking open the food.

Sam glares at me from the back disapprovingly when he notices my food choice but I shrug and smirk at him. He’s used to it by now.

A while ago, Cas took one bite of his sandwich and hasn’t moved since. I glance over at his face and see that, of course, he is asleep again. His hand has fallen limp and the sandwich has dropped out of it and onto his lap, spreading jelly all across his pants.

“Oh dammit.” I complain, knowing the angel will get fussy about that later. It’s going to get really sticky.

In between glancing at the road and at Cas, I take the sandwich from him and seal it back in its packaging ready for later.

“Why the hell is he so tired?” I ask, returning my mostly undivided attention to the road.

“He’s had a pretty rough week I guess. Lost a lot of sleep.”

“Hmm, I suppose so.” Sam’s right, he needs to recover and that means rest.


	17. Salad Salad Salad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This has smut (yeah, I'm going to hell ahaha)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite an eventful chapter xD

**Indiana**

**3:17pm**

 “You don’t happen to have any triples do you?” Sam asks the gum-chewing teenager behind the front desk of the motel. She looks done with life to be honest. I don’t blame her what with working in a run-down place like this.

“Nah, them ones are all sold out.” She admits, “we got a load ‘a doubles though.”

“Uh, okay, two doubles please.”

While she takes the cash from Sam’s hand (we don’t want to get tracked or anything so we’re not using credit cards today), the girl called ‘Vanessa’ reaches in to her mouth and pulls out a bit of the gum, stretching it out before wrapping it around her finger and pushing it back in her mouth to join the rest.

I have to stifle a laugh when I look at Cas’ face though. He looks beyond disgusted, and watches the girl closely as she hands me our room keys. I take them off her with my thumb and forefinger, trying to touch as little as possible.

She opens the cash register and Sam immediately tells her to keep the change. God knows where else her hands have been. Ugh.

As me and Cas are obviously going to share a room, I hand my brother the other key and we make our way back outside to get to our allocated rooms. We end up going up the stairs, along the outside balcony and right along to the other side of the motel. Either they’re nearly fully booked, or that teenager was trying to piss us off by making us walk for ages to get to where we are staying (that is the most likely theory of the two).

I am half thankful that we are in completely different rooms with different layouts and stuff. If we stay in ones similar to before, Cas might remember things he doesn’t need to and get all triggered, and we _do not_ want that after all of his improvement.

Once me and Cas reach our door (which is a couple of doors away from Sam’s), we stop and decide to make plans.

“Ok, so, we have all of the ingredients we need for the spell, we just have to cast it. Maybe we could do that tonight: find out where they are and then work out how we’re gonna approach this angel.” Sam decides, waiting for our agreement on the matter.

The sooner we get this done the better. Then we can go back home to the bunker.

“Yeah, sounds good to me. What d’ya say we meet in your room in like” I look at my watch, “an hour or so?”

Sam nods, “alright. See ya in a bit guys.”

He walks off down the balcony while me and Cas let ourselves into our own room, kicking our shoes off the minute we step through the door.

“You okay Cas?” I ask, setting him down on the bed.

“Travelling while being human is so…obnoxious. And slow.” He thinks out loud.

“You get used to it eventually.” I reply lamely. He’s got a point though.

I dump my bag down on the floor and slot the pack of beer into the fridge to keep it cool.

As my back is turned, all I hear is Cas flop down on the bed and groan tiredly.

 _That noise_. I can’t help but remember Cas sounding exactly the same on that night that got very heated not too long ago.

I make the wrong decision of turning around. Cas is indeed lying on his back on the bed, his feet planted on the floor with his legs spread. It sends hundreds of images and ideas through my brain which subsequently travel downwards to my male asset. _Goddammit_. I really need to control my freaking libido.

Although, we _do_ have a whole hour to do whatever we want…that’s plenty of time to quickly-

“Dean?” Cas’ inquisitive voice slices through my thoughts, and I realise that I have been standing there frozen for a few minutes, just thinking about Cas and sex and everything in between.

“Y-yeah?” I hate myself for stuttering, I really do, but I can’t help it after thinking about all of that.

“Are you okay?” He asks and shifts his hips as he sits up more.

 _Shit_.

“I’m fine.” I smile, but I can feel the half hard one I have in my pants right now.

 _Salad salad salad salad salad salad salad salad salad_  I chant in my head as a sort of mantra to make myself disgusted. That’s what they say, right? Think of something you hate to turn you off.

Cas stands up and hobbles over to where I am standing slowly. This is not fucking helping!

“Are you sure?” He asks innocently, even though he knows that something _is_ off with me. He just doesn’t know what it is yet.

I smile and nod and the angel mirrors it before coming forwards to hug me. I wrap my arms around him tightly back because I want to, but heck if this isn’t making my issue worse. I must be in some kind of horny mind set today or something.

All of my hope is eliminated when Cas moves closer and his hips move flush against mine, allowing my hardening dick to press against his softer one through our pants.

“ _Fuck_.” I breathe, not being able to hide my arousal any longer.

Castiel pulls out of my arms, a look of confusion crossing his features before his eyes trail down my body and stop at my crotch which has an obvious growing bulge due to all of this intimacy.

“Oh, I get it.” He nods. “You’re very aroused right now.”

“You think, Cas?” I all but whine sarcastically, reaching down to reposition my dick so it is more comfortable in my jeans.

“Is this because I was lying down on the bed? It is isn’t it? You know, people _do_ get aroused when their significant other looks sexually open and-“

“Not helping, Cas.” I mutter, but still appreciating his choice of wording.

_Significant other._

“Ah, sorry. Um, well, maybe I _can_ help in some ways.”

Even though he does it slowly and reluctantly, I let out a surprised gasp when the angel reaches straight down in to my pants and cups his hand around my hardening dick.

“Is this ok?” He asks and I scoff.

“Fine with me. W-what about you? You feeling up to t-this?” It’s kind of hard to speak when he has his hand down my pants and is stroking and squeezing gently.

Cas leans closer until I can feel his hot breath on my neck, and my dick fully hardens at just one, deep word.

“ _Yes._ ”

I whimper at the thought of what we are about to do and my knees suddenly feel weak.

Cas moves his hand up and down a little, rubbing across my arousal and earns himself a groan from me.

His lips find mine and we kiss slowly while the angel’s long, dextrous fingers work at my belt.

My fingers lace through his thick, raven black hair and I pull it a bit which forces a small moan out of the man in front of me. Looks like I’m not the only one that’s craving this now.

Looking at this from the bigger picture, it’s been long enough. Cas is much better physically and mentally than last time, so I can let myself relax and actually enjoy what we are doing.

The angel tugs down my zipper and pulls the front my jeans and boxers out of the way to allow my cock to spring free. It feels so damn good as well.

Cas breaks the kiss, but our lips remain close, “I don’t know what to do.” He mutters, and for some crazy reason, it just turns me on more.

“It’s ok, I got it.” I murmur back and trail my hands down his torso under his shirt until I reach the waistband of his pants. “You’re sure you’re okay with this? You’ll tell me if you wanna stop?”

“Yes to both.” He whispers and that is all the confirmation I need.

I slip my hands down into his pants and his boxers straight away before gently taking hold of Cas’ half hard dick. I stroke it a few times to get it fully stiff and pump my fist earnestly until I hear the angel whimpering my name. The precome that's already there is providing a good lunricant so at least we down't have to worry about that. He’s very sensitive. Mind you, I’m not surprised. He himself has probably only had sex once with April and had one hand job with me. Additionally, I don’t think Jimmy was the type of guy to drop his pants at any given time. He was very religious so I doubt he had sex before he got married, but then he had Claire. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the only time he ever got it up. So yeah, Cas is going to be _very_ sensitive.

I free his cock from his pants and run my thumb over the head then around the bundle of nerves under the ridge. He grips my shoulders tightly, digging his nails into my back through my thin shirt. That’s gonna leave some delicious marks.

The angel’s hips buck forwards, enough so that our dicks slide against each other and fuck if I don’t just come right here right now just listening to the sounds he is making. He moans again when I give his balls a small tug before he moves to the side and nibbles at my jaw with pleasured grunts.

“Fuck Cas, you’re a loud one aren’t you?” I laugh, feeling a blob of hot precome drop on to my hand from Cas.

“Is that ok?” He groans, sucking on my pulse point and also drawing a moan out of me too.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Despite what we’re doing, it’s a relatively calm atmosphere. All you can hear is our moans, grunts, sliding of lips and our ragged breathing which makes it all the more hot.

Cas begins to reach the beginning of his orgasm, his hips stuttering and his breathing becoming more shallow, but I want to give him something more. Something he didn’t get last time.

I move my hand away from Cas dick and he whines at the loss. “Sit.” I command, reaching out to the table to pull a wooden chair out from under it.

The angel looks at me confusedly, but sits down anyway.

I give my own cock a couple of strokes so it doesn’t ache too much before putting both my hands on Cas knees and spreading his legs wider apart so when I kneel down, I can slot myself between them.

I smile at him reassuringly before moving closer so my mouth is inches away from his arousal.

“Dean, what are you- ohhhh” He sighs when I lick a stripe upwards on the underside of his cock. His hands immediately lace through my hair and he pulls it, opening his legs up further and urging me closer.

I use one of my hands to massage his balls again while I open wide and take as much of him down as I can. He lets out one of the hottest moans I have ever heard and after that, I make it my goal to make him make that noise again and again.

Cas squirms and arches his back in the wooden chair after I move my mouth up, pay special attention to the head then move back down again. He groans and groans and I love every second of it. His hips even buck forwards at one point and I have to relax my throat so I don’t choke on the guy’s huge member that is currently rammed down my throat.

After a while though, Cas nears the edge again and becomes a writhing mess above me, the hands in my hair tugging harder.

“Deeean.” The angel moans loudly, and I move my mouth off him for a second.

“It’s okay, Cas. Let go, I got you.” I mutter before taking his dick down one last time.

Cas lets out one last loud, filthy moan and comes hard down my throat. His dick twitches and jerks in my mouth and I love it. I swallow it all down, waiting until he stops pulsing before pulling off him. I place a couple of gentle kisses to his softening cock then when I look up at him, I see that his eyes are closed and his lips are parted as he rides the bliss of post orgasmic awesomeness.

My dick jumps at the sight and I reach down to stroke myself, excited to get some much-needed relief.

However, I don’t notice Cas open his eyes and grip onto my shirt until he is tugging me upwards to straddle him on the chair.

He slides his hands down and fumbles with mine to stop me stroking so he can do it for me, and when he does, it’s fucking amazing.

I smash my lips against his, moving my fingers into his sweaty hair while groaning his name into his mouth.

“I’m close Cas.” I manage to murmur out between satisfied moans when the angel starts pumping his fist harder and faster. Just the sight of _him_ all hot and dishevelled like this would do it for me any day.

“Come.” Cas mutters with his gravelly voice and it sends me right over the edge. Who knew? One word from him to start it all and one word from him to finish it all.

My hips buck forward like they have a mind of their own as white ribbons shoot out of my cock on to the both of us.

I see stars for a second from coming _so_ hard and have to blink while gripping Cas’ hair tighter to ground myself.

Once I’m completely spent, I slump against Cas’ chest in the chair and he wraps his arms around me tightly as we breathe heavily.

“I liked that.” He rasps out and when I pull back to look at him, I notice a splodge of white on the corner of his mouth.

“Good to hear,” I smile “uhm, I’m sorry. You have some of my uh…right there.” I point to his face and his fingers shoot up (no pun intended) to swipe my release away.

He doesn’t wipe it on his shirt though, he does (what seems like, right now) the hottest thing ever and licks it off his fingers along with some that he got on them before.

“Fuck Cas.” I breathe amazedly, laying back down on him. That was freaking amazing.

Cas misinterprets my wording though, and what he says would get me hard all over again if I hadn’t have come so recently. “I’d like that, too.”

 _He wants me to fuck him_.

I nod and stay sitting on him for a while until I manage to get my muscles working again.

“I love you.” I murmur into his ear and I hear him smile. I love it when you can hear people smile.

“Love you too.”

I give him one more reassuring squeeze in the hug before climbing off him to get cleaned up. I feel like I could sleep for a year, and we didn’t even have sex. That may have been the best blow/hand job session of my life. There’s something about having strong hands all over you that’s just hot as fuck.

After tucking myself back into my pants, I retreat to the bathroom to fix my hair (we won’t need to fix Cas’ though because he always looks like he just had sex anyway) and get some wet wipes to clean myself up. To be fair, there isn’t a lot of come on me because I swallowed all of Cas’, but the angel is covered in mine.

I pull a few more wipes out of the packet and go back around to where Cas is sitting, except I find that the guy is now fast asleep (as a matter of fact, his dick is still hanging out too). I can’t help but think it's adorable. His first blow job and he’s out like a light five minutes after. Aw.

I make my way over to him and wipe down his clothes and the sticky areas on his face. I even get the sticky strawberry jelly off his pants from earlier. There we go, all clean. Although, we’ll have to remember to get changed before we go see Sam. We probably reek of arousal and…well, _manliness_.

After cleaning up his fingers and his dick along with any other evidence of what we did, I gently put Cas’ now limp cock back in his pants for him before lifting the sleeping angel up and carrying him to bed. After all, he’ll be much more comfortable there.

After pulling the covers down I place him gently on the mattress and pull the blankets back up over him so he doesn’t get cold.

I kiss his hair before glancing at my watch. We still have another 35 minutes or so. That should give enough time for a quick power up for me too I guess.

I climb into bed behind Cas and wrap my arms tight around his warm body. As if on instinct, he pushes back into my embrace and reaches up to grip on my forearms that are circled around his chest.

I actually can’t put in to words how happy I am about the fact that he is finally okay. For now, at least. I know this place might be a bit of a trigger but hopefully he’ll pull through.

Cas is ok, and with that thought, I fall in to a warm, peaceful sleep.

***

**40 Minutes Later**

“Is this gonna work, Sam?” I ask, watching my brother add herbs and oil to a wooden bowl. It's sitting on top of a sigil that we painted on to the table that is for basic tracking spells. There are also candles lit, ready to be used.

“I’ve researched this a lot, Dean, I’m sure.”

“What do we need to do?”

“Well, since regular tracking spells are for living things not objects, we needed one that will show us the location of the dagger wherever it is right now. So, as we lost _our_ dagger, we can’t use it to help track the others. This means we need to use an image/information from someone’s mind to help the spell along so it can work to find what we are showing it. It’s a bit of a witchy thing, actually. To connect someone to the spell, we need their blood as the last ingredient along with some words in Enochian, and whoever’s blood we use to complete the spell with, will be connected to the location spell until we find what we want, so I’m talking eyes-rolling-back-into-head stuff and fantasy seer crap like that.”

“Creepy.” I mutter. I don’t like witches. “What happens when you’re in the spell?”

“Well, as it is bounded to the caster’s mind, it will mentally take them to where the object is. This means _they_ will see it, and the other two of us won’t. I think maybe you should do it-“

“Let me do it.” Cas calls out from behind us, the determination in his voice making it clear he doesn’t want to budge on his decision.

“Cas, are you sure you’re like, mentally strong enough? It might turn your brain to mush or something.” I tell him, but he shakes his head to dismiss my comment.

“I am certain it'll do no such thing.”

“You think you can do it?” Sam asks with concern in his voice. Can Castiel really do this?

“Please. I know I’m probably not physically strong enough to go and confront the angel with you, but I know I can do this. I just want to contribute and do my part. After all, this case was the reason we came to Indiana in the first place.”

I can’t help but smile. We’re getting the old Cas back, I can tell. He must be feeling much more like himself tonight.

Sam looks at me with an ‘ _I don’t see why not’_ look and I shrug.

“Fine. Just be careful okay? We don’t wanna have to resuscitate you or anything.” I joke, but am still deadly serious.

Cas nods and steps up to the bowl, standing by himself but leaning on the table forwards so that both of his hands are free.

Sam approaches him and hands him a knife before gesturing to his notepad on the table, “read this Enochian then add your blood into the bowl. Once the spell starts, it won’t be long and quite brief, so make sure you take in every detail you can. Got it?”

“I got it.” Cas assures, and starts to read the Enochian when my brother steps away. “ _Odzamran en moanu a en maninu od erm en canilu.”_

I watch the angel slice his hand with the knife and then let his blood drop down in to the bowl.

The ingredients glow green and purple. They shimmer for a few moments before travelling out of the bowl and over to Cas’ hands. As soon as the colourful smoke hits his skin, his hands slam down on the table hard. It wasn’t Cas doing that, so it must have been the spell’s energy making sure it has a secure place to transfer through or something. Well I don’t know, do I?

I watch the angel’s veins glow green and purple as the spell travels up his body and through to his head. It is obvious when he’s fully under because every limb and muscle has tensed up with the raw power that is coursing through him.

I circle the table and study Cas’ downturned head before it suddenly snaps upwards showing his pure-white eyes. It may not be for very long, but I’m gonna miss those blue irises.

And also, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that that made me jump a little.

Glass bottles on the table rattle around when his body twitches and flinches, and it’s like a build up to something.

And no, I will _not_ let my mind wander to thinking that’s probably what he’s like when he’s building up to orgasm.

He starts making strained noises as if it’s taking every ounce of his energy to keep this spell lasting long enough. His breathing quickens a lot before his entire body starts glowing a mix of purple and green with a hint of blue as well. Damn, it’s a very colourful spell if nothing else.

“Is it supposed to go on this long? Maybe we should pull him out of it.” I ask, starting to worry just a little.

“Wait a second, give him some more time.” Sam suggests and I turn my attention back to Cas.

All of the colours including the blue, purple and green suddenly merge to red and Cas screams out, his hands now opening up by his sides.

And then everything goes quiet. Just like that.

The redness that was glowing inside Cas’ body fizzles out in to the nothing, and it makes the room feel unpleasantly dark.

I have just enough time to see the angel’s eyes roll back in to place before they close and he falls to the floor. Me and Sam are not quick enough to catch him.

“Cas?!” I run to his side and lift his head from the floor with one of my hands. God, this reminds me of that time when Rowena cursed him and he was turned in to a rabid animal thing.

Sam kneels down on his other side and we both haul him up so he is in a sitting position.

“Cas, you okay?” My brother asks when the angel’s eyes flutter open and then closed. Sam reaches his hand up and lifts Cas’ eyelid with his thumb. His pupil dilates ever so slightly which is obviously a good sign.

We both stand up and lift Cas to his feet so he can go sit on the bed. I sit next to him while comes to.

“Did you see it?” I ask him when he opens his eyes and looks around.

“I saw everything.” Cas pants and it makes me wonder what that means.

“Everything?”

“Yes. The daggers, the angel, the street, the house, _everything_.”

“Awesome.” I smile and shrug, and Cas nods to agree with me.

“I feel exceedingly exhausted.” He admits as Sam hands him a glass of water to his right hand while I wrap a bandage around his left where the cut is.

“What did you see?” My brother presses, his notebook now at the ready.

Cas looks upwards in an effort to remember everything, “23, Maybank Street. It’s in an estate just off the main road. The house is strongly warded against demons, but not angels. She must be doing that deliberately because she knows we’re going to come. It’s a trap. The set of daggers are hidden inside one of the cushions on her couch, but I don’t know which one. The spell took me there in the present, so I saw her drinking coffee, but her eyes were glued to the door as if she’s waiting for us to come.”

Sam looks pleased with how much information Cas got. He quickly forms a plan that we will pursue at exactly 9 o’clock tomorrow. That’s when the angel _has_ to check in with heaven so they assume she is doing business as normal, not setting traps for us and Castiel.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, all of us thinking about what will go down tomorrow. Surely she can’t be that much of a threat right? I mean, she’s clearly doing this to spite Cas like Omandriel did, but the angels who still hate Cas are a very small minority, so it’s not like she’ll have an army of back up. Well, I hope so anyway. It should be easy enough. Whatever goes down tomorrow, we’ll get through it. We always do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, this fic is going on for much longer than I expected xD I keep thinking of bits to add in and I'm like ooh yeah, why don't I make this character talk to that character about stuff. Lol there's still quite a lot to get through.
> 
> P.S. Mary Winchester has been added to the tags...
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	18. Fifteen Minutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well. Shit Fuck." -Dean :,(

The quiet in the room is broken when Cas’ stomach growls. I can’t help but laugh for some reason. It’s kind of a tension-breaking thing to happen.

“I suppose I’m hungry, too.” Cas decides, finishing off his water.

“Yeah same here. Why don’t we go out and get some food now? Sam, you in?”

“Yep. I’m starving.” My brother agrees.

Once we are all seated in the Impala, the ride to the diner is quiet. The three of us are kind of apprehensive about tomorrow as if it’s going to be some big showdown. We’ve faced a lot worse than one angel in our time, but if she’s as prepared as Cas says she is, who knows what she has in store for us. Witches? Quite possibly some of her other angel buddies that also hate Cas? Heck, werewolves? I don’t know.

I know Cas is worried too, but he’s hiding it quite well. I can tell he wants to help us fight like he always has, but he can’t. Not with that leg. Yeah, fine, he could do that weird inhale-grace-then-glow-and-nearly-burn-your-eyes-out thing, but I don’t think he wants to. I wonder if it’s because he’s enjoying being human or something? Or maybe it’s because he doesn’t want us to think our efforts of taking care of a very much _human him_ have gone to waste. Like, we do all this shit for him then he uses his grace and buggers off someplace else. I hope it’s not that one, though. Cas seems ok for now however, so maybe I could just ask him about it.

When we get inside and order our food, we basically have the usual. Sam has salad, I have a burger. When the waitress came, she asked me and Sam what we wanted and when she looked at Cas, he just pointed at me and told her that he wanted “what he’s having.”

Fair dos. Nothing wrong with that, except we all know fully well that Cas _hates_ burgers (well, apart from that time when he was cursed with famine or whatever) because of what they do to a human’s ‘cholesterol’.

When the waitress leaves, I turn to the angel who is sitting next to me in the booth. “Cas, I thought you didn’t like burgers.”

“Well, you always seem fully-energized when you eat one so I thought that maybe it would help to restore my own strength.”

I shrug and let him be. If he wants a burger, he can have a burger.

The waitress returns shortly after and places our food down on the table. She smiles down at Cas suggestively. Jeez, he’s an absolute babe-magnet.

“Hey there handsome.” She smirks and leans close to Cas to whisper in his ear even though we can all hear her anyway, “my shift ends at 6:30 if you wanna meet up.”

He stares at her, horrified, and I get a brilliant idea of how to cheer him right up. After all, I’ve always been known for not being too subtle if I want.

I reach up and grab Cas’ chin, pulling it towards me before pressing my lips against his. He naturally melts in to the kiss and I turn it to open mouthed to rub it in the girl’s face. He’s _mine_.

Besides, Cas is old enough to be her father (well, Jimmy’s body is added on to the thousands of years this angel has been alive). Where is her dad in all of this?

The waitress looks very embarrassed and a little disappointed when she sees us. Despite this, I pull back from Cas and give a her smirk that hopefully comes across as: _He’s taken. Sorry sweetheart._

She rolls her eyes disapprovingly and leaves. Sam must have watched the whole thing and is now shaking his head. “That was kind of harsh, Dean.”

“Whatever. Cas belongs to _me_.” I clarify, noticing Cas blush, probably because I’m being all possessive. I reach up and run my thumb over his lips to clear our combined spit.

When I glance down, I notice that both of Cas’ hands are resting above the table, interlocked together while he twiddles his thumbs.

My right hand finds his left and I pull it away from his other hand so I can hold it instead. He looks up and I smile at him reassuringly, lacing my fingers through his lean ones. He grips back tightly and shuffles closer to me so our shoulders and thighs are touching, just like at the ice rink café.

Sam glances up at us and just smiles to himself, shooting me a look that is something along the lines of _it’s about time you two got together anyway._

We dig in to our food and damn, it tastes good.

I have to think about salad again when Cas groans and claims that “this is the best burger” he has ever eaten.

I _will not_ get a boner in the middle of a diner. I’m not a teenager.

“So, is the plan for tomorrow clear?” Sam asks between mouthfuls of lettuce and whatever other salady shit they put on that plate.

“If you need assistance, I’m coming in after you. I want to help.” Cas claims immediately, moving his hand away from mine. That just _shows_ he’s serious about this.

Me and Sam share a guilty glance. “Uh Cas” I start, and his blue eyes meet mine “it’s not gonna be safe.”

“When has anything _ever_ been safe.” Cas defends and Sam takes over.

“Cas, Dean means we need you to stay in the car _whatever happens_. We don’t want you to get more hurt than you already are.”

Cas looks back me, his eyes searching for any kind of help but I shake my head. “Cas, you can’t. Well, unless you use your grace.”

“I’m not using my grace.” He puts firmly, “but I just want to help. I know I said that my contribution was doing the spell but I can distract her while you two get the upper hand and-“

“ _No Cas_.” I cut him off, wanting to kick myself for sounding harsher than I meant to be.

He looks down in to his lap in defeat and swallows. “Excuse me.” He mutters and slips out of the booth, heading for the fire exit door to go outside.

“Cas.” I call after him guiltily, but he ignores me and carries on. I look at Sam and sigh. “Shit.”

“Go after him Dean.” My brother tells me, nodding his head backwards in the direction the angel went.

I roll my eyes and slip out of the booth, mine and Cas’ food long forgotten.

Following Cas’ footsteps, I walk past all of the eating people and push the fire exit door open to get to the back of the diner.

As soon as I get outside, I spot Cas leaning against the wall, his exhales turning white in the cool air making it look like he’s smoking. He still looks put out about everything.

I approach the angel and lean on the wall next to him silently.

When he makes no move to start a conversation, I give in and do it for him.

“I know you just want to help. You know, so you don’t feel worthless or anything, but we have no idea how dangerous this angel is or what she has planned. If you go in in that state, you might be killed Cas, and I can’t watch that again. I just can’t. You mean too much to me.”

He turns his head and looks at me, his blue eyes reflecting the light of the imminently setting sun.

“I’ve loved you for a very long time, and I’ve only just realised it recently. I don’t want anything else to happen to you because it will be so painful for me. You’ve always been more than a colleague, right from the start. I’ve already lost you too many times, Cas. Don’t make me lose you again.” I finish, and he looks more thoughtful than before, so that’s an improvement. I know fully well that _me_ being killed will hurt him equally, but he can just slurp up that grace and revive me. It’s different.

“Sorry Dean. I understand.” He murmurs and looks away from me. Is he crying?

“…Cas, look at me.” I command softly and he reluctantly does so.

There is a single tear rolling down his cheek. _No no no no no no no no._

I step forward and enclose the angel in a tight hug, hoping to god he’s not crying about anything serious.

“What’s on your mind?” I murmur into his hair.

“I don’t want to use my grace, but I can’t help you without it.”

“You _did_ help Cas. You did the spell and helped Sam translate the Enochian and everything. You’ve been very helpful, just like you always are. What’s bothering you about your grace, hmm?”

“I feel like…I feel like if I use my grace we’ll stop doing _this_. I’m worried that if I don’t help, you won’t need me. I _like_ being close to you Dean, and if I _do_ become an angel again, you won’t have to be around me intimately anymore. I’ll need no physical help, so you won’t, well, you won’t fall asleep with me or anything.” His voice wobbles and he shakes a little in my arms.

That’s really how he feels? That’s what all of the grace drama has been about. He doesn’t want to use it because he thinks I won’t need or want to be close to him anymore?

“Cas, I stay with you all the time because yeah, you need help, but I also _want_ to be close to you too okay? I love you so much, and now I know that, I never want to be away from you again; angel or not. It won’t change anything, I promise. I love you for you, not for whatever being you choose to be. Alright?”

“Really?”

“Really. Do you promise you believe me?”

“Promise.” He grips harder and I squeeze my eyes shut, enjoying the embrace.

“Alright. Okay.” I soothe to make him stop shaking. He’s obviously got himself kind of worked up about this. It’s obvious, so I’m glad we were able to resolve it before it got too out of hand.

After a couple more minutes of hugging, Cas speaks up. “Dean?”

“Yeah buddy?”

“You can have the rest of my fries if you want. I’m full.” He offers, and I actually laugh, glad he’s feeling better enough to be saying something like that.

I pull back and don’t hide the beaming smile on my face. He’s smiling too and I’m very, very happy.

“Of course I’m gonna say yes to that” I chuckle, “they’re fries.”

Cas smiles and leans forward, pushing his mouth against mine. My fingers find the back of his head and lace through his hair, pulling him closer to me.

I find myself smirking in to the kiss as my lips glide with Cas’. It just feels _so good_ to kiss him. I doubt I’ll ever get tired of it.

We pull back and make our way back inside the diner, smiling, hand in hand.

All worries forgotten.

***

**11:12pm**

I shut my eyes, lying on the bed while listening to Cas brush his teeth in the bathroom.  He insisted he could get ready for bed himself.

When he tried to use the toilet it didn’t go so well. Yeah, he fell over. I helped him with that bit, but he’s just fine now.

I don’t want to know what’ll happen if tomorrow doesn’t go well. Will one of us die? What if all of us die? No, I’m not going to think about it. I’m going to enjoy tonight with Cas.

At this moment, the light in the bathroom shuts off and Cas steps out, making his way over to the bed.

I sit up and hold my hand out so he can use it for support to get down on the mattress.

Once our hands are flat together and our fingers are locked, he lowers himself on to the bed and sighs.

I pull the blankets up over both of us and turn on my side to face the angel. His blue eyes stare back at mine and he smiles a genuine smile that reaches said eyes.

I smile back and close the distance between us. We wrap our arms around each other and hold on as if neither of us want to ever let go (which we don’t , by the way). I lean in and kiss him meaningfully, and right now I don’t want to be any place but here. Cas pushes lips to mine too and tangles our legs together while our mouths move against each other.

My hand finds the back of his neck and I pull him even closer, never wanting to let go. He holds on to me tightly and turns the kiss to open mouthed.

We stay like this for a while until Cas pulls back for air. He tilts his head to the side and nuzzles against my neck, seeming kind of sleepy. I bury my face in his hair for a moment and place another gentle kiss to his temple before closing my eyes and drifting into a peaceful sleep.

***

**8:30am**

I take a bite of my pancakes, not bothering to try and start a conversation. We’ve all gone kind of quiet because of the anticipation for what’s going to happen.

Cas isn’t hungry and Sam is sticking to a smoothie. I don’t care though, that’s their problem. I’m going to enjoy my breakfast.

Just to pass the time, I run the plan through my head.

  1. **_Park car on the edge of street so we don’t get seen._**
  2. **_Leave Cas in car._**
  3. **_Run through people’s back yards until we get to the house with the angel._**
  4. **_Sam goes through the back, I go through the window (or go to the front of the house if there is no window)._**
  5. **_Aim to trap angel._**
  6. **_Get angel to talk._**
  7. **_Get daggers._**
  8. **_Kill angel._**
  9. **_Exit speedily._**
  10. **_Meet Cas back in the car._**



Sounds easy enough, right? Right?

I shrug to myself and eat the last of the pancakes, wiping my mouth with a napkin when I’m done.

“Shall we get gone?” I ask, noticing Sam has also finished his smoothie.

“Yeah, sounds like a good idea.” My brother agrees, shuffling out of the booth and offering a hand to Cas to help him up.

We make our way back to the car and pile in, finding that none of the apprehensive tension has lifted during breakfast. Why are we so nervous about this case? We’ve handled much worse. Is it because we know that if we’re killed, we’ll be leaving Cas on his own? Besides, I’d _never ever_ let that happen. Not anymore.

I shake the thought from mind, not wanting to think about it too thoroughly.

The houses pass by in a blur as we drive past, the radio playing quietly even though none of us are listening.

It gives me a chance to think about what’s happened over the past couple of weeks. Me and Cas have progressed _a lot_. Like, a freakish amount of truths have been revealed and it’s only been during these fourteen days that we’ve been honest about how we feel towards each other and everything. Eight years of friendship and we have only just started really, truthfully listening to what we have to say to each other, and there’s a heck of a lot. Like, how long has Cas loved me? What if it’s been since we met? Since he pulled me from hell? Have I been that oblivious? All of those times he sacrificed himself and other angels for me was him…being in love with me? I want to know how long he’s been bottling things up, how long he’s felt out of the loop and worthless. _Or_ , what if I’ve been a blind idiot and not recognised the hints that Cas was mentally in a bad place (despite his angel brain that’s supposed to be resistant to these things)? It’s like the times when things like _self-loathing, lonely_ and _suicidal_ have been mentioned whens someone was talking about Cas. Did they know? The Rita Zien came after him and I thought nothing of it. I _want_ to know everything about Castiel. Every single thing that’s happened to him. Every story, every memory, every feeling. That’s why I need to stay alive. I _will_ live.

It doesn’t take us long to get to edge of the street from the diner. This estate is literally just off the main road.

I check my watch.

**8:55am**

We have five more minutes.

Sam climbs out of the back seats to go get the weapons, “meet you outside the car, Dean.” He decides.”See ya in a bit, Cas.”

I look around at the angel and if I had to sum up his mood with one word, it would be downright _glum_.

He still wants to help, but he knows he can’t. I understand why he wants to come with us, but he’s vulnerable and we can’t risk his life.

“Cas.” I mutter and he lifts his head, looking at me sadly.

“Yes, Dean?”

“Don’t worry. We can do this.”

He doesn’t say anything to that and grabs my wrist, lifting it up to look at my watch.

**8:57am**

“We’re gonna go in there, get those blades, and we’ll be straight out. It’s going to be fine.”

“You don’t know that.”

I sigh and reach to unclip my watch, loosening the strap before slipping it off my wrist. I take Cas’ hand and press the gadget in to his palm. “Fifteen minutes. You count those fifteen minutes, and we’ll right back before you know it. Fifteen minutes isn't long, right?”

He looks at the screen of the watch in his hand.

**8:58am**

I pull the angel in to a hug, gripping him shoulder to shoulder tightly. He holds on to me firmly, probably never wanting to let go. Tilting my head to the side, I kiss the corner of his mouth and he follows what I’m doing, moving his own head so our lips can meet properly.

Cas pulls back after a few seconds and buries his head into my neck.

My brother taps on the window showing me we need to go before the odds turn against us. 

I move away from Cas and he looks at me with those blue orbs. “Come back to me, Dean.” He pleads, and I’m sure as hell planning on doing that.

My hand cups his face, and I swipe my thumb over his cheek before forcing myself to shuffle across the seats and join Sam outside.

I close the door then climb over the first fence with my brother, hoping that there are no excitable dogs that want to blow our cover.

In order to concentrate, I have to push any thoughts of Cas to the back of my mind, even though getting myself back to him is my main motive for coming out of this alive.

We climb the next fence, and after I jump off, it starts wobbling around just as Sam tries to get over. He falls on his ass – luckily on this side – so I help him up. As funny as it is, I can’t laugh because I just don’t feel like it. Well, that, plus it would also make our presence known.

I jump over the last fence and land like a cat, bending at the waist now we are in the angel’s back yard.

Sam does the same and heads for the door while I head for the window, which is thankfully open. There are no traps in sight, so I decide to go ahead with the plan. Climb inside and then unlock the back door for Sam so he can get in too.

I lift one foot inside and then the other. My feet land on carpet so they don’t make any noise as I get inside. The deadbolt twists when I try it, and the door opens easily allowing Sam to also enter the house undetected (hopefully).

We make our way in to the living room and I pull the holy oil out of the duffel, making a definite circle on the floor ready for when the angel decides to appear.

Sam nods to show he has the lighter ready and I stand inside the not-yet-lit circle of oil. Hopefully, when she sees me, the angel will walk right into the circle. Then I can jump out and the interrogation shall begin!

I nod back, gripping the angel blade in my hand tightly.

Sam takes this as his cue before moving his elbow backwards. He hits a pottery vase that was resting on the table making it fall to the floor and smash. Well, we need to catch her attention somehow, don’t we?

Suddenly a very angry looking brunette woman appears in front of me, but she’s not quite in the circle. Damn.

“Ah! The Winchesters! I was wondering when you two would show up!” She smiles.

“Who are you? Why did you set us up?” Sam jumps in with the questions right away.

The angel laughs and glances at the both of us before her smile disappears, “wait, you guys are serious? You _actually_ have no idea? Oh, and the name’s Liliel by the way.”

Me and my brother stay silent, not feeling the need to fuel her humour any further.

“Because I hate Castiel? Oh come on, Dean. Sam? Was it really that hard?”

“Omandriel said you set us up for your well-being. Did he threaten you?” I ask, stepping back. She in turn steps forward. We need her to go _just a little further_.

“Did he heck. No, I wanted in on this as much as he did. As for my well-being, it is best when Castiel is out of the picture in hunting, angels, heaven, hell, you name it. He would’ve made even more unintelligent decisions had we not knocked him down. Has he killed himself yet?”

Ignoring her sickening question, I carry on. “He was just trying to do the right thing.”

“You really think playing God was the right thing to do? No, me neither.”

“He thought it was a good idea at the time. But that’s in the past, and we’re in the present.”

“Ugh whatever. Now, let’s talk about what you boys _really_ came for.” She steps forwards. Yes!

“Sam. Now!” I shout and he flicks the lighter on.

The circle remains unlit though. What the hell?

I look back at my brother and he is looking at his hands, shocked. The lighter is gone.

I turn back to the Liliel and see her laughing.

“Did you really just try that? Really? That’s the oldest trick in the book! I’m almost tempted to kill you _now_. I don’t even care if heaven rains other angels to kill _me_ for it. It’d be well worth it.”

 _Fuck_.

“You know, you Winchesters have always been _so_ predictable. Angels? Holy fire ring! Demons? Devil’s trap under the rug! Ghosts? Salt and gasoline! You guys need some new tricks.”

“Being predictable is bullshit. How did you know what we were going to do?” I growl.

She rolls her eyes, “I’m an angel, you imbecile! I can read your thoughts like a book. I thought you were clever enough to work that one out with actually being _friends_ with an angel as well. Actually, speaking of thought-reading, he’s not just a friend is he Dean? I had no idea you could actually love someone that much. Congratulations.”

I growl and launch myself at her, trying to impale her stupid angel body with the blade. She just waves me away, and I go flying in to a bookshelf, the books toppling all over me.

If I’m completely honest to myself, randomly trying to stab a celestial has _never_ worked. Someone always goes flying across the room. Someone always hits a bookcase, and someone is _always_ victim to an avalanche of books. It’s just the Winchester way, I guess.

The blade goes flying out of my hand, and all I hear is Sam shout my name before blacking out.

Well. _Shit fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this fic, I was thinking of doing a Destiel highschool thing. Hmm decisions decisions ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Also, I realised I haven't actually told you about when I update soooo: Every three days max. - It's only ever longer than that if I'm on holiday :D


	19. The Three Amigos

**Castiel’s POV**

I sit still, listening to the radio. It has been thirteen minutes and fifty five seconds since they left.

Not much longer now.

The radio is still playing and I reach to turn it up, just to help wash away the last minute. All I can do is listen to the lyrics to distract myself from Dean.

_I’ll throw away my faith_

_Just to keep you safe_

_Don’t you know you’re_

_Everything I have_

_You are all that I adore_

_If love is what you need_

_A soldier I will be_

_Angel with a shotgun_

I consider the words for a moment. What could this song be saying to me? Is it a sign? What if Dean needs help?

No. I’m staying here like he said. I have to stay safe. For _him_.

I try to stop thinking of this, but it proves to be harder than I expect. What if Dean is in danger?

The watch now reads **9:15am**. He should be here. If I can’t do any smiting, I sure as hell  _can_ use a shotgun.

I am not waiting any longer. I am not staying away from this fight. Not anymore. I don’t care what Dean says, I can do this. I _will_ do this. I have to do this, because if I don’t and Dean gets killed, I will never forgive myself.

Pushing the door open forcefully, I step out and make my way to the back of the car where all the weapons are. This is my fight, and I’m not going to let my best friends get killed.

Before long, I am practically storming down a street, shotgun in hand. It may not do much to an angel, but it will slow her down. I think I feel something that Dean usually calls ‘badass’, and I like it.

If I go down in flames, so be it.

I shoot the hinges on the front door of the house before whacking the door down with the grip of the gun. My breaths are heavy, and it feels like anything at all can and will make me more angry.

The first thing I notice is Dean collapsed under a bookshelf, then my eyes flick to Sam who is on his knees, the angel pressing a blade to his throat.

“Hey, ASSBUTT!” I yell, feeling infinitely powerful from this sudden burst of energy and recklessness.

The angel turns around and she looks at me, shocked when I fire the gun with my teeth gritted. The bullet hits her head and she stumbles back a little.

“Castiel. Welcome to the party.” She snarls, blood splattering out of her mouth.

“Cas, what are you doing?!” Sam yells and earns himself a punch from the angel.

“Saving your asses, that’s what.” I reply. I am now a hunter, so I will use hunter language. Period.

I fire a few times at the angel’s head (that’s our weak spot as it’s where most of the grace is concentrated) before I have to reload.

She approaches me with the angel blade, twizzling it between her fingers.

“Feeling strong today, Cassie?” She gives me a maniacal smile. What she doesn’t know though, is that Sam is helping Dean out of the books. Dean is just starting to wake up, and I try not to look at him when he stares up at me pleadingly.

 _What are you doing?_ He mouths at me and I ignore it. As much as it hurts, I _have_ to ignore it. It’s me or them and I’ve already decided it’s going to be me.

I didn’t bring any more ammo, so I drop the gun and glare at the angel instead. “Leave them alone.”

“Feeling big, loverboy? Go ahead and stop me.” She snarls and turns back around to Sam and Dean.

I swing my fist at her and it’s like hitting steel causing the skin on my knuckles to split. She spins back around to me. “I was going to wait to kill you, but turns out you’re practically asking for it.”

My chest moves up and down quickly as I breathe heavily. I try not to look at Sam when he moves over to the couch and starts searching through cushions to find the demon blades. Maybe the stronger ones can kill angels too?

“You have no idea what’s coming.” I mutter to her and she laughs.

“The real question is, is do _you?”_ She smirks.

“What do you mea-“

She shoves the angel blade right through my chest, but it’s not damaging organs quickly enough to kill me straight away.

“NO!” Dean screams, trying to get over to me, but the angel sends him right back.

I feel the air leave my lungs, and once it’s gone, I can’t seem to get enough. She pins me against the wall by my throat and blood starts to trickle out of my mouth.

She smiles and then tugs me forward again as if she’s putting me on show like a trophy for the Winchesters.

The blade is still sticking in my chest, and my eyes lock with Dean’s. I mouth _I'm sorry_ and he mouths _no_ back, tears streaming down his face. There is so much pain in his eyes along with betrayal, but if I weren’t here, he would’ve died.

The angel teleports behind me and holds my shoulder to keep me standing. If it wasn’t for that, I would be on the floor bleeding out right now.

“This is what happens when you mess with me, boys. You should have stayed away.”

Sam is still searching through the cushions frantically, but he’s having no luck.

“Any last words, Cassie?” She asks.

A stream of blood pours out of mouth and I can feel my insides twisting and cramping every time I breathe.

“Yeah.” I strain out.

“What is it?”

I cough up a mouthful of the red stuff and spit it on to the floor. “Don’t mess with the angel with a shotgun.”

I use all of my energy to reach forward and grip the handle of the angel blade before pulling hard, shoving it further into my body and through the other side, right in to her vessel.

I scream out in raw, near to unbearable pain, seeing white from what I just put my body through. She screams too, the blade having reached far enough through me to impale her while she’s standing behind.

Her tight hold on my shoulder loosens, and we both collapse to the floor.

I believe she’s dead. Not me though. I’m just alive enough to watch Dean scramble to his feet, run over, and fall to his knees beside me.

“Cas, no!” He cries, pulling me off the other angel and setting me down flat on the floor. The tears flow freely and thickly as he pulls the blade free and tries to stop the tsunami of blood that oozes out of my chest. He tries to swallow his tears down. “It’s going to be okay, you’re gonna be fine.”

I feel the tears brimming my eyes, and feel another stream of blood leave my mouth. “We both know that’s not true Dean.” My voice breaks on his name, partly due to the pain in my chest and then partly because of the tears flowing out of my eyes.

“I told you to stay in the car.” He sobs, but there is no anger in his voice; just heartbreak.

“I’m sorry.” I choke out, my breaths stuttering more and more as each second passes. There is nothing Dean can do.

“No, no don’t say that. You did good. So good. You’ve just gotta hang in there a little longer, okay?” He mutters desperately.

I feel more tears leave my eyes. “I love you.” I wheeze, seeing blackness building in the corners of my eyes, slowly swallowing me whole like I’m being possessed. Except, this is death. It’s death.

“Cas, you can’t. Please, I need you.” He lifts my limp shoulders and hugs me tightly. “I need you.” He murmurs, absolutely wrecked with what’s happening.

“I’ll always be with you.” I speak through the blood that is starting to collect in my mouth. There’s too much of it to try and spit out now. “In here.” I press a weak hand against his heart just like Jimmy did to Claireand he breaks down in to a fit of sobs.

“I want to have you in my heart _and_ in my arms Cas. I want to fall asleep with you, I want to be able to love you. Please!” His hand runs through my hair frantically but gently.

The darkness in my eyes spreads further.

I cough as much blood out of my mouth as I can before whispering, “then fall asleep with me one last time Dean. One last time.” My voice can barely be heard, and I feel my soul seeping away.

Dean says nothing and cries into my shoulder. “I love you.” He forces out and with that, I close my eyes, and let myself slip away from him. From everything.

**Dean’s POV**

Cas goes limp in my arms. _No no no no no._

“Cas? Cas!” I shout at him, shaking him but he doesn’t wake up. “No! Please wake up. _Please.”_ I cry and feel Sam’s hand on my shoulder.

“He’s gone Dean.” He whispers softly and I just cry harder. My best friend, heck, my _boyfriend_ is gone. _Gone_.

I pull back and look at Cas. His face is pale and his eyes are closed. He looks peaceful, but it doesn’t make things any easier. He looks _too_ pale and _too_ still and _too_ peaceful. I want him back.

I lean down and bury my face in his neck like before, trying to hug him back to life.

“I told you to stay in the car.” I whimper. “Fifteen minutes. I said fifteen minutes.” My tears drench the top of his shirt and I kiss his jaw.

Something cold touches my cheek and I jump back, surprised.

I look down to see what the offending thing is and my eyes land on a silver chain.

Wait.

My fingers quickly grip the chain and I fumble around trying to pull it out from under his shirt, the water in my eyes blurring my vision.

I pull out a glowing tube and examine it closely.

His grace.

“Sam, his grace!” I shout and my brother kneels down next to me and lifts Cas’ head while I unscrew the cap on the tube.

The minute the cap is opened, wisps of blue sneak out and I place it against Cas’ mouth quicker than lightning, a flicker of hope running through my veins.

The glowing blue liquidy stuff floats in to Cas’ mouth and disappears inside his body.

Nothing happens.

I put my hand on his cheek and stare at his eyes desperately. Come on come on come on.

The tears have stopped for now due to the hope that is resting lightly over my heavy heart.

Cas stays silent and still. There is no evidence of the grace working inside him. It’s too late.

I can’t bear to look at him anymore. I need to get away from here. Far away.

I stand and go to leave, but Sam calls my name the second my back turns.

When I turn around, Sam is looking down at Cas, shocked out of his mind. The angel jerks forward and any blood that was in his mouth has now been spat out on to the angel's shirt.

“Cas!” I practically shout, returning to his side. This is too good to be true.

His eyes open and I get to see that beautiful ocean blue again. He looks weary and reaches down to lift his shirt up to reveal his repaired skin. The stab wound is gone. He’s…okay. HE’S OKAY!

“Cas, oh my god.” I feel tears start falling down my face again.

He says nothing and lifts his arms up to me. He wants a hug and I am more than happy to give it to him.

Sam lifts the angel’s back up so he can sit up. My brother stays behind Cas to hold him upright while I crash into him, wrapping my arms around him so tight, he probably can’t breathe properly.

“You’re alive. You’re fucking alive.” I cry and he grips back weakly.

Isn’t grace supposed to restore strength and shit? Whatever, I don’t even care.

“I’m sorry Dean.” He whimpers and I can feel his own tears soaking into my shirt.

“Hey, hey it’s alright. I’m just glad you’re okay, I'm just glad you're okay.” I murmur and the angel breaks down in my arms. No matter how strong he says he is or looks, he is as fragile as a china doll.

“I wasn’t going to let you die.”

“And you didn’t. You _won_ Cas. You did it.” I half laugh through my tears.

“There’s something different about my grace.” He mutters hoarsely. “I still feel human, but I can feel the energy inside me. It’s giving me power yet I still feel the same. Tired, hungry, and, well,  I _really_ need to use the bathroom.” He laughs.

I laugh with him. Him and his damn bladder. “Maybe you’re an angel in disguise. God must have switched your grace with something more mellow.” I joke, but the angel goes still.

“That makes sense. I-well, god, he told me that I was different from my brothers and sisters, what if he made my grace different too? What if he made it so I am one of you guys: human, but I also have my angelic powers? I’ve always wanted to fit in, maybe this is my opportunity.”

“Whatever it is, it’s good enough for me buddy.” I breathe in his scent and feel the warmth of his body, finally calming down form that absolute shit fest. “Think you can stand Cas?”

“I think so, yes.”

“Okay. Come here.” I say, keeping my arms wrapped around the angel and pulling him up to his feet. Sam also helps from behind him when he slumps a little.

“Why am I so weak?” Cas asks, trying to support himself.

“Death does that to ya. We’ve _all_ had the first-hand experience.” I laugh, watching Sam return to looking through the couch cushions.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Cas. You scared us there.” My brother smiles, unzipping the last cushion and peeking inside. His face lights up and he pulls out a long wooden box. “Gotcha!” He beams, opening the lid and examining each daggers.

“Do they look good?” I ask, trying to get a peek at them.

“They’re awesome.” He smiles and I shake my head. We have new toys to try out now. I wonder if there any pesky demons lurking around. That would be hilarious. _Surprise! *stab, explode*_

“Okay. Come on Cas, let’s get you to the bathroom before your bladder bursts or something.”

“I would never let that happen.” He laughs.

“Seriously though, I’ve only been helping you for a couple of weeks and I swear you could piss for America.” He really could. The number of times he’s been is insane. And the _volume_.

“Want me to try?” He jokes.

“Absolutely not.” I reply, cracking a smile.

***

“So, Cas, what do you think is actually different about your grace?” Sam asks the angel, helping him sit on the bench by the lake. He wanted to sit outside for a while so we decided to drive to the local park to eat our lunch.

Sam hands Castiel his food as I sit down next to Cas. My brother reaches in to the bag again and pulls out a burger for me too, and I take it very gratefully. All of that drama has got me really hungry.

Cas takes a bite of his burger, “God gave it to me, and I thought it was just a copy of my other grace, but as you can see, I’m still partially human.”

“Didn’t you say you think that he allowed you to be part human and part angel or something?” I ask through a mouthful of fries.

“Yes I, well, as you can see, my leg has not healed, but my stab wound _has_. I think it means my grace can bring my human form back to life, but it will not heal anything else. That makes sense because that explains why I am still experiencing hunger and exhaustion. My grace is now designed to heal major wounds to my human body, but it will never heal non-life-threatening injuries. It gives me basic angelic powers such as the ability to hear things from a long distance, but also allows me to be a human. One of _you_.”

“So, that’s that then? You’re stuck like this?” I ask, watching some ducks start to jump into the lake in front of us.

“I suppose so, yes.” Cas admits, also watching the ducks and smiling when one of them goes kamikaze and jumps off the grass into the water which makes a splash. He’s a confirmed nature nerd. He loves it.

“Are you happy?” Sam asks him, squeezing some mayonnaise on his salad from one of those tiny plastic sauce packets.

Cas thinks for a while, and for a few moments all we can hear is children playing, ducks quacking and the splash of water as geese chase each other over the surface of the lake.

“…yes. Yes, I’m happy.” Cas smiles, “I’m perfectly content living like this. I have no wings anymore and my grace doesn’t have the same energy to fuel my powers, but this is bearable. Human verging on angel is better than just human.”

“Oh, so are you gonna take another shot at being a hunter?” Sam laughs.

“Yeah, you went full-on jackass in there with that shotgun, Cas. You gonna be ‘the angel with the shotgun’ now?”

Cas blushes at the mention of the shotgun thing and smiles shyly to himself, “yeah, I am.”

“Ok, so we’re the now the three musketeers?” I decide, scooting a little closer to the angel. Well, _half angel_.

“I am _not_ a musketeer.” Cas claims and I laugh.

“What, so we’re the two musketeers and the angel with a shotgun? Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?”

“What about the three amigos?” Sam suggests jokingly.

“No way, that’s worse.” I roll my eyes, “mind you, at least you didn’t go into detail. I probably would have punched you if you suggested we call ourselves Damigo, Samigo and Camigo.”

Sam laughs out loud before taking a sip of his drink.

“I got one.” Cas informs, “you know how you call the angels the _God Squad?_ Well, now we can call ourselves _Thunder Hunters._ A lot of your cases involve thunderstorms. It makes sense.”

“That sounds like a dodgy plagiarised version of Thunder Birds” I laugh “but I like it.”

“Awesome.” Sam shakes his head, “SamDeanCas equals Thunder Hunters. We’re just three grumbly men who scare people with what we do all the time, and you never know when we’ll rain down on you. I like it.”

I roll my eyes. What are we, a bunch of dorky nerds who need a group nickname? Oh dear me.

“It’s decided.” I shrug and settle for watching Cas eat in the sunlight while I finish my own food.

“Sam, Dean, I really can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done to help me.” Cas tells us (again) out of the blue.

“You’re welcome Cas. We’re happy to help, anyway. We’re family, and family look after each other.” I smile at him and slip my hand into his. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you two to get together.” Sam snorts.

“I know.” Cas shakes his head.

“Is it true that everyone  knew about us before we even- wait Cas, how did you know Sam knew?”

“I used to be able to read thoughts, Dean. You know, as an angel. Whenever we used to so much as look at each other, Sam’s thoughts were louder than an atomic bomb. ‘ _Would they just get together already? How long is this going to take? I’m gonna have to prompt them one day, I swear’._ ”

“I had no idea you knew about that.” Sam admits, surprised.

“Oh yes, I’ve known for a long time.”

“Then what stopped you from doing something about it?” I ask, genuinely curious.

Cas turns away from Sam and to me, “even though it was fairly clear we shared the same feelings, I was uh, I was nervous. Is that normal?”

“Yep. Don’t worry, that’s completely natural. You learn about that in the first grade when you’re too scared to ask out your first crush to sit with you at recess.”

Yep, that was totally me. I can’t remember her name, but I _can_ remember that it worked. I’m a natural charmer, you see.

“What about you anyway? Did you recognise how you felt early on?”

Wow, this conversation is getting deep. The further we go, the more personal it’s getting.

“I kind of only came to terms with it recently, but I’ve always known that there was something that I liked about you.” I blush, this is getting slightly embarrassing with Sam around. Time to change the subject. “Sooo, about the hunting, what do we do next?”

“Go back to the bunker, I guess.” Sam shrugs, finishing off his salad.

“Awesome.” I nod, pulling a pleased face.

“Dean, do you want this, I don’t think I can eat any more.” Cas asks, gesturing to the burger in his lap that he has long since stopped eating.

“You sure?” He nods. “Alright.” I shrug, reaching down and picking up the half-finished burger. It’s food, it’s not like I’m gonna say no.

“So, shall we set off home tomorrow?” Sam asks, unlocking his phone.

“Yeah, but there’s one more thing we gotta do first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting kinda close to the end *insert OMG face emoji*


	20. Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going on holiday again, but there should be wifi, so I will do my best to update :)  
> (If I can't, I'll bombard you with chapters when I get back).
> 
> Also if I had to make a rough estimate, there are 4 or 5 chapters left.
> 
> Thanks for reading guys! <3

“Agents!” Officer Stevenson calls and the three of us approach her, fully suited up. I’m still helping Cas walk, but he’s slowly managing to get around on his own now.

“It’s been a while.” She continues, “I thought you guys were staying for the case.”

“There was some urgent business we had to tend to.” I smile. She glances up and down Cas and notices his arm slung over my shoulders first, then she looks down and sees that he is partially leaning on me, and then moves her eyes further down and notices that his left leg is bent very slightly so not too much weight is on it.

Despite this, she says nothing about it, recognising that I’m not going to elaborate any further.

“There haven’t been any more strange murders. Did you get to the bottom of the case you were working on before?” She questions, picking up some paperwork from her desk and straightening it out.

“Yes, we sorted it out fine. The person behind it all has been dealt with.”

“Oh, that’s good. We had no idea. Thank you for helping us with this one, agents. Oh, and wanted to ask you, have you heard about a possible raping and then murder that happened a few weeks ago? Some kids were messing around in one of those old corporate buildings and found three bodies along with some evidence of sexual assault. “

“Oh yeah, we heard.” I tell her, noticing Cas shift next to me ever so slightly in discomfort. He may have worked all that stuff out in his head, but it’s still obviously going to make him nervous if gets brought up by someone who isn’t close to him. After all, rape is rape, and nobody gets over it that easily. I’ll make sure he’s ok when we get out of here.

In the meantime, we need to deal with this rape thing before all these cops start sniffing about. We used Cas’ FBI ID to check him into the doctors which has also been his alias for inspecting these cases. If they get a report saying Eddie Moscone was the one who was raped, they’re going to bombard Cas with questions that he won’t be able to answer. Do you see why this is bad? 

“Well, I’ve been contacted by a doctor’s office not far from here who checked in a patient who claimed they were assaulted. They should be faxing me their report and the details…” She looks at her watch “around about now, actually.”

“We can take it from here, officer.” Sam claims, noticing the problem we have too. They _cannot_ find out that Cas was the one who got raped. That would be so bad because he’ll be a murder suspect and just _fuck_. We must have left in such a panic that we didn’t do anything with the bodies.

“Wait, what?” Officer Stevenson asks.

“We’re still in town. We can deal with this. There are other things you can be doing while we investigate.” My brother presses.

“This is an official case, we should be-“

“And this is official FBI business, so I suggest you let us take this case off your hands so we can do our job. Do you understand officer?” Cas speaks up, his voice firm and assertive. It’s kind of hot actually.

“Yes sir.” Officer Stevenson mumbles and submits. I have to close my mouth because it has actually _dropped_. I was absolutely _not_ expecting that from Cas.

“You will no longer dig into this case unless we say so. Do you _understand_ officer?” Cas persists. _Damn_. Hotttttttt.

“I understand. The fax is over there if you’d like to take the report.”

“Thank you.” Cas says, his tone a little softer.

Sam goes over to the fax machine and picks up the sheet of paper, immediately folding it up into quarters before shoving it in his pocket.

“That will be all.” Cas finishes, “thank you again for your cooperation, officer.”

The three of us turn around and head for the doors. I’m just super glad we got here when we did. That could have gone _very_ wrong if she read that the name of the patient was Eddie Moscone. Jeez, I don’t even want to think about what could have happened.

“You alright?” I mutter into the angel’s ear. He nods and for once I believe him. He _is_ a grown man after all. Now I know he’s ok, I can’t resist muttering something else, “when you went all hard on her, that was kinda hot. I like it.” I smile. Some of his badass angel side came out back there and I loved it. I like it when he’s all soft too though. Like a kitten.

Cas just blushes and clears his throat. It’s not like Sam would have heard. He’s a couple of metres in front of us and I can be stealthy when I want to be.

We all pile in to the Impala and head back to the motel. It’s only about 1pm so I suppose we’ll be packing up our stuff for a little while until we think of something else to do.

Sitting outside to eat lunch helped me forget about earlier when I had to watch Cas die in my arms. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a little torn up about it, but even though he’s back, I can’t get that image out of my head.

Everything will be okay though. I know it.

It doesn’t take us too long to get to the motel thankfully and when we get there, we all go in to me and Cas’ room. You can tell two men live in here. There are clothes strewn everywhere including boxers and socks. It looks like we’ve been having sex 24/7.

“Wow.” Sam shakes his head when he sees the floor and our scattered clothing. “Great upkeep guys.” He chuckles sarcastically.

“It really isn’t what it looks like, Sam.” I mutter and he rolls his eyes.

“I know.”

“What would it look like?” Cas asks as he sits down on the bed, doing his classic confused head tilt.

“Uh, it looks like we’ve been getting undressed quickly to do stuff.” I try to refrain from going in to too much detail. If the angel keeps prying and finds out the truth, he’s going to make all of us (including himself) uncomfortable.

“Oh right, because of us needing to get outside and do cases quickly?”

“Um, yeah that.” I smile and hear Sam giggle behind me. I have to elbow him to make him stop and ruin my perfect lying.

My throat feels a little dry and I remember I had some soda left from earlier, but it’s in the car, _all_ the way across the other side of the motel.

“Dammit.” I grumble.

“What’s wrong?” My brother asks, going over to the table to take some beers from a pack before putting them in our fridge.

“I left my soda in the car and I’m thirsty.”

“You know, the water here is perfectly fine, Dean.” Sam assures and rolls his eyes.

“You don’t know that. Besides, that soda tasted really good as well. Should I go?”

“It really isn’t worth it Dean.” Sam sighs, loosening his tie a little.

Ugh, you know what, I don’t even care. I’m not planning on wasting a perfectly good soda. “It so is. Be back in a minute.” I shrug, opening the door and making my way across the motel balcony past all the rooms.

**Castiel’s POV**

Sam sits down on the bed next to me and hands me a glass of water. I nod in thanks.

“How are things with you and Dean anyway?” He asks as I take a small sip of my drink.

“Good. I feel like I’m healing. Not just physically, but mentally too.”

“That’s really good, Cas. But, um, listen, I wanted to ask you this, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but, well, have you and Dean got…close yet?”

“Well, yes. We hug a lot-“

“I meant sex, Cas. Have you had sex?” The hunter asks firmly but kindly. He’s concerned about me, isn’t he?

“Not exactly.” I look out of the window, knowing something about this subject is troubling Sam.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what _have_ you done? I know you hug and kiss and stuff, but is there anything else? I know it’s personal, but I just want to see if Dean is thinking things through properly.”

“No, it’s ok. He, well, he taught me how to masturbate.” I reply, rubbing my neck, “but apart from that, there has been nothing else.”

“Did you _want_ him to teach you?”

“I did at the time because I woke up like that and didn’t know what to do with it, and it was an amazing experience. But then in the morning I was feeling really sick and horrible so I didn’t really give it another thought.”

“I know I’m going behind his back here, but he’s not pressuring you into anything is he?”

“Not at all. I promise. Now we’re together, he’s going slow and making sure I’m ok all the time. And, I understand that you’re looking out for me, Sam, so thank you, but I _do_ promise that Dean is behaving appropriately.”

“Alright. I just wanted to make sure.” He smiles. “But just know that if you don’t want to do something, you can tell him, right? He’s not gonna be mad or anything. He just wants you to be comfortable and get better. So if and when you think about taking your relationship to the next level, he’ll completely understand if you want to wait.”

“Thank you Sam. Really.” I smile back, appreciating the confirmation that Dean really _is_ ok with taking things at my own pace.

“How’s your leg doing?”

“It’s healing adequately actually. I still need the painkillers but apart from that, it’s fine.”

“Good. So, you think you’re up for some hunting then?”

“I’m willing to try.” I chuckle, “because last time I tried to be a hunter, it didn’t go too well.”

“You’ll get the hang of it.” Sam laughs, “practice makes perfect right?”

“Exactly.”

Dean bursts through the door with wet hair. The top of his suit jacket is damp so it must be raining.

“Still worth it?” Sam laughs, patting me on the knee as a reassurance that he’s happy me and Dean are ok. I’m guessing that he doesn’t want me to tell Dean about what we spoke about, so I won’t.

“ _Yes_.” Dean grumbles, taking a sip of his soda from a straw. It makes a gurgling sound showing that it’s nearly empty anyway.

“Whatever.” Sam snorts, slipping out of his suit jacket and hanging it on one of the chairs next to the table. Dean does the same and places his own jacket on another one of the chairs. He tosses the empty cup in the trash.

“I guess we better start packing up.” Dean groans, picking up a pair of his boxers from the floor.

“Yeah, I should go. I need to pack up my laptop and my research stuff.”

“Okay. See ya in a bit.” Dean says, patting his brother’s shoulder as he leaves the room and goes out in to the rain.

As soon as the door closes, Dean turns to me and smiles, “you ok?”

“Yeah, fine.” I smile back, shrugging my suit jacket off and loosening my tie. “You?”

“Wet. Stupid rain.” He laughs. “I might grab a shower. You want in?”

I shrug, “don’t see why not. There’s still some blood on me from earlier so yeah, I think I do need to clean up actually.”

“Please don’t remind me of that.” Dean groans as he reaches down under my arms and hauls me up to my feet. I grab on to his upper arms to make it easier to stand too.

“Okay. And just so you know, I _can_ stand up myself Dean, as much as I appreciate your help.”

“You love it really, and besides, I _like_ helping so it doesn’t matter does it? Your leg’s still kinda messed up so I’m still making life a little bit easier.”

“Point made.” I smile as we enter the bathroom.

He pecks my lips before lowering me down to sit on the closed toilet seat.

Dean slips his tie over his head then starts to unbutton his shirt and I do the same.

He reaches in to the shower to turn the water on so it'll be nice and warm for us when we get in.

We drop our shirts to the floor before moving on to our belts. Dean slips his off easily, but for some reason I've started feeling a little nervous and have annoyingly begun to fumble to get my belt undone. I try to get it loose, I do, but apparently tugging it does nothing to help, only gets it more stuck.

"You okay over there?" Dean asks as he reaches into the shower again to check the water temperature.

"I'm fine." I claim, continuing to try and get my belt out of all the annoying loops. 

After trying for a little longer, I huff in frustration and Dean turns to me, stripped all the way down to his boxers now.

The hunter sighs and reaches down, fiddling with my now twisted belt for a few moments before it slips free.

"There." He says but frowns when he notices my reluctance to undo the buttons on my pants. "Is everything ok?"

"...why do I feel nervous? It was supposed to stop after I worked everything out." I sigh, finally popping the button.

I stand up, clinging to Dean's forearm for support.

"Cas, you may have sorted out one of your main problems and feel better about it, but even if you worked everything out, you were...you were still raped. Nobody recovers from that easily."

"It's not bad, I just feel a little anxious, that's all."

"I know." Dean reassures as I pull my zip down. "I'm assuming we're keeping boxers on?"

"...if you don't mind." I mutter and Dean just smiles, leaning over and pressing his lips to my cheek.

"Course I don't." He says before letting me hold on to the sink while he gets my pants completely off. "It's ok if you're nervous anyway, Cas. I understand that you might still be feeling a bit, I don't know, mentally sensitive?"

"Yeah." I agree as we step in to the shower.

"It's not gonna take long to get clean, you should be ok." Dean smiles and this time I smile back, leaning forwards and enclosing him in a hug under the spray of the water.

"I love you." I mutter and he clings on to me tight.

"Love you too." He replies then reaches down to the floor to get some shampoo. "Let me?" He asks.

I nod yes and he smiles, squirting some of the shampoo onto his hand. He then begins rubbing it into my hair and as soon as he starts, all of my worries fade away to nothing. It feels amazing.

"Dean, where did you learn to do this?" I can't help but ask.

"Women like it." He shrugs. "But I guess everyone likes it don't they? After all, it's still hair which everyone has."

"Apart from bald people." I point out.

"Apart from bald people." He confirms then chuckles, rubbing is fingers a little more firmly. I close my eyes and sigh softly. "You really like this don't you," he continues "you must have a sensitive scalp or something."

"Something like that." I murmur, lost in how relaxed I'm feeling now.

Dean pulls me closer to him before pressing a light kiss to my lips, one hand still in my hair. "Feeling better?" He asks.

"Much." I pick the bottle back up from the floor and start returning the favour. It kind of works, kind of doesn't.

Dean grabs the bar of soap and begins washing down my chest, getting all of the small smears of blood off it. He moves around everywhere, starting from my chest then moving down to my legs, and it just feels _great_.

"Dean this feels so good." I practically groan making him laugh.

"That's the point." He smiles at me, rubbing the bar of soap between his hands so he can clean himself off as well.

I would have offered to do it for him, but it's not the best idea since I can't really move that much without falling over.

"Ok." The hunter says, putting his arm around my waist and shutting the water off. "Let's get out of here." 

We step out of the shower together and get some towels from the side. 

Dean slips his boxers off and wraps one of the towels around his waist then helps me do the same.

We go to leave the bathroom but I tug on his arm, “wait, I uh, I need to pee.”

“Oh, ok.” Dean nods, letting me lean on him.

I think I have a problem. I know Dean is right about me having anxiety about certain things, and this appears to be one of them. I’ve gotten so used to having Dean around when I go to the bathroom, I’ve found that I actually can’t do it _without_ him. I feel like if he’s not there, Omandriel is going to take me away again. Of course, I know it’s all nonsense because he’s dead, but I still think about it, y’ know? I need Dean here or I can’t go. Simple as that. I’m just too scared to tell him because he might tell me to ‘help myself’ like in that dream. I’m nervous about this because sooner or later, I’m not going to need him to lean on, and what happens then? This is bad, _really_ bad.

Once I’ve washed my hands, we exit the bathroom and get our clothes on. We’re not planning on going anywhere tonight so we don’t need to wear anything presentable or anything.

I sit down on the bed while Dean moves around the room, picking up all of our discarded clothes.

“Is there anything I can do?” I ask, watching the hunter do all of the work.

“I guess you could fold up all the clean clothes so they fit better in the bag?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” I nod so Dean strolls over and dumps a small pile of crumpled up clothes next to me.

He leans down and puts his hand on my cheek, pushing our lips together softly for a few moments. I smile at him and he returns to picking up the clothes off the floor, tossing some of them to me and some of them into a plastic bag.

After a while, Sam knocks on our door and Dean goes over to the door and opens it.

“How you guys getting on?” The younger brother asks, noticing it looks considerably better than earlier.

“Here Dean.” I hand a pile of folded clothes to Dean and he dumps them in his duffel.

“Yeah, we’re done pretty much.”

“Good.” Sam nods. “How early do you think we should get going tomorrow anyway?”

“I’d say we should set off sometime before eight so we can get into a motel before it gets too late.”

“Cool with me.” Sam shrugs and I nod too.

***

**Dean’s POV**

**Later**

I dump my bag by the door ready for tomorrow morning. I like driving, but 11 hours on the road is a long time. To be fair though, at least we’ll only have to stop the night once to get to the bunker. _Home_.

I stroll across the room and pick up my suit jacket from the chair so I can pack that too. Sam’s is here too from earlier. I completely forgot it was there but I suppose I can just dump that by the door along with our other things.

The jacket flies across the room when I throw it at the door in hope that it will land neatly. It doesn’t. It spreads out all across the carpet and I huff when I go over to put it next to our stuff properly.

A folded piece of paper appears to have fallen on the floor from out of Sam’s pocket, and I remember him picking up that fax sheet, or more importantly, _Cas’ report._

I glance at the bathroom door and listen to see if Cas is still brushing his teeth. He is.

The paper rustles as I unfold it and stare at the printed words i.e. Cas’ pain.

**_Patient: Edward Moscone_ **

**_Date of Check-in: 3 rd October_ **

**_Appointment Time: 9:30am_ **

**_Main Issue: Sexual Assault_ **

**_Details: …_ **

I swallow down a lump in my throat as I read exactly what happened to Cas. Right from the start to the end of that night. I didn’t realise it was that bad. Obviously rape is very, very bad in the first place, but I would have thought that Cas might have reacted worse than he did if _this_ happened.

I can’t believe it. Why would anyone want to do that to him. He’s _Cas_. He might have pissed a load of angels off majorly, but on the inside he’s just a child, and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s why we’re friends with him, why we _love_ him. He’s different – he actually has a heart underneath all of that angel warrior-ness.

The moment tears begin to brim my eyes, Cas opens the bathroom door and spots me standing in the middle of the room, staring at nothing in particular.

“Dean, are you alright? You-“ He cuts himself off when he notices the report in my hand. I meet his eyes and he looks so sad when he sees me crying about it. “Don’t read that, Dean.” He mutters, looking down at his feet.

“Too late.” I sniff, my vision blurring from the water in my eyes.

The angel tries to come over to me, but there is nothing for him to hold on to, so he has to go back when his leg starts to give way a little.

 I walk in his direction, taking in a deep breath. “Show me.”

“…what do you mean?” He asks, a bit confused.

“Show me _what happened_. You can do that right?”

Castiel clicks in to what I’m asking and shakes his head, “you don’t want to see it, Dean.”

“Please.” I ask him a bit more softly this time. I _need_ to understand. I want to know _everything_ to make sense of it in my mind.

“…you’re sure?” He mumbles.

“Yeah.” I place my hand on his shoulder to encourage him and he reluctantly lifts his hand up, extending his middle and forefinger so they come in to contact with my forehead.

A rush of images and memories flash across my eyes like waves of energy surging through me. They prick me with little feelings and emotions Cas felt when he was chained up. Loneliness, fear, abandonment and overall terror. I _feel_ the pain he felt. It’s as if there are tiny needles pricking my skin, each one of them allowing me to feel the pain of the slice of a knife, or the pain of a punch to the head. I can _feel_ his tears and I see anything and everything that happened that night. He’s beyond traumatized. All of the emotions like heartbreak, loss and worthlessness that Cas felt are resurfacing and making themselves known to me. It’s as if I’m watching everything happen all over again. Now I know everything that Omandriel said to Cas about me, Sam and God. I know about all of the insults and put-downs. But most of all, I _know_ what Cas went through and it is truly _horrible_.

The energy running through me recedes and moves back to where Cas’ fingers are on my forehead. And then it is gone, and I am brought back to reality.

I feel more tears running down my face and the moment Cas’ fingers leave my forehead, his eyes close and he slumps against me, all of his energy spent. It won’t take him long to come to though, it never does.

I had no idea he went through so much verbal abuse as well. He told me Omandriel told him things about us and God, but he never said exactly what was said.

Cas’ eyes open slightly and he looks up at me wearily, “…did you see?” He mutters tiredly.

“Yeah. I saw. I saw all of it.” I cry, clinging on to him tighter than I ever have before. I guess now it’s my turn to let go of some emotion that’s been building up since the start of this shit fest. “Cas, I’m so sorry.”

He nods and buries his face into my neck. I guess he had to see all of that again too so he could show me. I’m really glad he didn’t feel it though. That could have crushed him.

“I’m so, so sorry.” I murmur, stroking the back of Cas’ hair down.

“I know Dean.” His voice breaks and I kind of feel guilty for making him watch that stuff again, but at least now I have seen. I know about everything and he doesn’t have to be afraid of talking to me about it anymore.

“I should’ve been there for you. I could have stopped it, Cas.”

“It’s in the past; we forget about the past.”

“You’re not going to forget this.” I hate to be pessimistic, but it’s true.

“No. But I can ignore it. In a way that’s forgetting.” He decides, taking a deep breath.

“You mean so much to me, and to know that you’ve been through that, well, it-it just breaks my heart.”

“It’s over now. Over time, I will heal. What happened has indeed left a scar, but scars _do_ fade, and so will the memories.” He sniffs.

“I love you Cas. I love you so much.” I tell him, reminding myself that Cas _has_ actually started doing better since that night.

“I love you too.”

I sigh and move my hand down to the small of his back. I can support him better this way.

“I can’t stand for much longer, Dean. That used a lot of my energy.”

“Alright.” I reply, my voice gentle. He makes a small gasp of surprise when I lift him off the floor completely before carrying him over to bed. I sit down first, leaning against the headboard, and I let Cas straddle my thighs to save placing him down on the mattress straight away.

He immediately relaxes in my lap and wraps his arms around my neck, seeming glad that he’s finally sitting down.

“Cas, now I’ve seen, I can help you more. We can do this together _more_. Now I know everything that might make you uncomfortable, even the little things.”

“Thank you.” He murmurs, sitting up so he can press our lips together. Our mouths move tenderly against each other for a few minutes until I can tell that the angel is struggling to stay awake.

I pull back from him and move my hand to the back of his head like before, weaving my fingers through his soft kitten hair. “You wanna lie down?” I whisper.

The angel shifts slightly in my lap “…you’re warm…and comfy.” He whispers back, but I only barely hear him.

“Okay.” I breathe, pulling and guiding his head to the side gently with my hand so he can rest it on my shoulder. I watch his eyes close.

Cas’ hair brushes against my cheek as he moves his head around a little to get comfy before he stills completely. He could not possibly be any closer to me right now. Our chests are flush together, he’s straddling my lap, my arms are wrapped tightly around his back and _his_ arms are going under my arms to cling on to my lower back too.

I pull the covers up as much as I can then turn the lamp off on the bedside table. I like having Cas here with me like this. I know it makes him feel safe, so I suppose _I_ feel safe too.


	21. Scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about this painful chapter :/  
> I needed to clear up one of Cas' problems.

I reach over and turn the radio up in the car because they have just begun playing ACDC. Cas is in the back this time because he wanted Sam to be comfortable. We’ve been going for about three of hours so far.

I suppose we should get some lunch while we stop at a gas station so we don’t have to stop again anytime soon.

After flipping the indicator up, I change lanes so I can go down the slip road to the station. The roads are relatively quiet at the minute thankfully.

I stop the car in the small parking lot and glance around at where we could go to get some food. There’s a food truck open and I see that they’re selling burritos and stuff like that.

“Cas, you can walk to the bathroom right?” I ask while reading the rest of the menu.

“Um, well, I uh…y-yeah-“

“Good. I’ll get some food. You staying in the car Sam?”

“Yeah Dean.” My brother replies then turns on his tablet.

Cas walks off to the restrooms as I go in the opposite direction to go to the food van. I order three burritos and some sodas before making my way back to the car.

I climb into my seat and sip at my drink while we wait for Cas. The angel does eventually reappear from the building and walks over to us to get back in the car as well.

Sam takes the burritos out of my lap and hands them to Cas who puts them on the spare seat.

I start the car up again and set back off down the road. There’s so many lanes on this thing but barely anyone uses it during this time of day. It’s only busier when it’s rush hour and even then all of the traffic runs through smoothly.

“Ooh, mom just messaged me.” Sam announces.

“What does she say?” I ask immediately. This is the first we’ve heard from her since all of this crap happened to Cas.

“Uhhh, she says _‘Hey Sam. Just finished helping some hunters with a vamp case. What have you two been up to? I hope you’re taking care of yourselves :) –Mom’.”_ Sam reads.

“That’s it?” I feel a little bit frustrated now. She doesn’t speak to us for a month and then thinks it’s ok to tell us she hopes we’re taking care? Is _she_ even taking care of _herself?_

I huff to make my reply known and Sam rolls his eyes then reads out the text he sends back, “ _’Yeah mom, we’re fine. Heading back to the bunker today so if we stop for the night we should get there at noon tomorrow. Call us if you need anything.’”_

“She’s not gonna call us, you know that Sam.”

“I know, but it’s still worth putting it.” He shrugs, pressing send then pocketing his phone.

I grumble and turn the music up louder, wanting to forget about how mom only _just_ got back and then left us to ‘ _find herself’_ or whatever.

To make matters worse, only ten minutes back into the drive, a whimper comes from the back seat. The music conveniently changed over at that point so both me and Sam hear it.

Sam turns around while I look in the rear view mirror.

Cas is sitting bolt upright, gritting his teeth. He’s scrunching his eyes up and both of his hands are pressed firmly between his legs.

 _Oh you’ve got to be kidding me_.

“Dean, we need to stop.” Sam decides, starting to panic, but I’m already on it, changing lanes again so we can pull off on to the next gas station.

“Cas, I thought you went to the bathroom before?” I ask, trying so hard to hide the frustration still in my voice from earlier. I mean, whatever’s going on here’s probably not all his fault and I have absolutely no reason to be angry at him, but why didn’t he say anything?

“..I-I didn’t.” He mutters with a strained voice.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I speed over to an empty parking space, noticing we’ve now pulled on to a gas station stop that is connected to a huge retail park.

I all but jump out of my seat, leaving my door open as I circle the car to get Cas out too. The minute I get the door open, I yank his arm roughly to get him up fast before dragging him along to the restrooms with me quickly.

I can hear him sniffling, so he’s obviously scared himself and got upset from needing to go so bad. What the hell is going on?

Pushing the door open to the bathrooms, I see that thankfully there is no one else in here and pull the angel along into one of the cubicles. He’s already started fumbling around with his pants, so desperate that his fingers are getting tangled and he’s just getting even more worked up.

I give in and bat his hands away quickly, moving his t-shirt up a little so I can grab hold of the waistband of his pants and yank them down enough for him to get this going before it’s too late.

As soon as he’s free, he lets loose, still sniffling with tears building up in his eyes.

I have to go up behind him to stop him falling over, snaking my arm firmly across his waist to hold him still.  

Neither of us say anything until he’s finished, freaking forty seconds later. I just can’t get my head around the fact that he felt the need to not tell us when he was this desperate. And why didn’t he tell us he didn’t go before? Usually if you need to pee _that bad,_ you pee when you get the chance? Which was at the _OTHER_ gas station!

“What the hell, Cas?!” I throw my hands up when he finishes washing his hands. It’s as if he knew this was coming, but he flinches all the same.

At the back of my mind I know I’m being way too harsh and blowing this out of proportion, but I want freaking answers.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t-“ I am too angry to recognise how small and fragile his voice has gone along with the fact that he has not stopped crying, even though he’s not dying to piss anymore.

“Didn’t _what,_ Cas? Huh? You _didn’t_ actually go to the bathroom at the other gas station? You _weren’t_ planning on wetting yourself in the car? What, were you gonna piss in the Impala because you fucking _felt_ like it? Cause you were certainly close to it!”

“I couldn’t go without y-“

“You _couldn’t_ recognise that bathrooms are actually for _relieving yourself_ , not just for hanging out in?! What the hell were you doing in the other one?! Fucking tap dancing?”

“I was trying, Dean but-“

“ _But_ you decided not to tell me? I love you Cas, what’s so bad that you can’t tell me?! I’m not gonna freaking _eat you_!”

“Please, just let me explain. I-“

“You don’t trust me. Is that it? You don’t trust _me_ with whatever problem you’re having?!”

I don’t notice my brain screaming at me _he has trust issues he has trust issues he has trust issues. It’s not his fault._

“I’m sorry, ok!” He cries.

“Whatever.” I mutter, feeling a fire ripping through all of my limbs, blinding me from all of this crap that I’m saying to him. Only do I come to terms with what I’ve been shouting at him when it’s too late. He standing there crying, looking at me like I’m some kind of monster. _Fuck_.

He blinks at me once before turning around and heading for the door. At this moment, Sam happens to open said door and Cas only just manages to slip out past my brother without accidentally shoving him.

I’m assuming Sam got a brief glance at a very upset Cas because he’s now glaring at me with his bitch face. But this time? This time it’s not funny.

“Sam-“ I start guiltily, but of course, my brother cuts my pathetic sentence short.

“No Dean. Are you happy now? You just shouted your ass off at him when he was so obviously upset in the first place! This is _Cas_ , Dean. What is your problem?! It’s clear he’s got something going on but you don’t damn _yell_ at him about it!”

“I didn’t mean to.” I mumble, feeling like the shittiest person to ever walk the planet. This has all happened so fast.

“And neither did _he_. In case you hadn’t noticed, he’s still healing. He’s not going to tell you every last thing! Whatever’s going through his head, he’s managed to scare himself, and now you’ve made everything _fucking_ worse! Have you not given thought to how mortified he probably already is about this?” Sam shouts at me, and I hate that he has every right to.

“I need to speak to him.” I murmur in shame, but my brother presses his hand lightly on my chest to stop me walking.

“No. Not this time Dean. You’re the last person he wants to see right now and you know it. Now, you’re going to go over to the car and get in the driver’s seat while _I_ deal with Cas. And _then_ I’m going to get in the back with him while _you_ drive because he absolutely _will_ still be really upset. Don’t even try anything else Dean. I’m actually disappointed in you. And you wanna know something else? Cas cares about everybody. At times like this, all you care is about yourself.” He shakes his head and sighs before turning and leaving me alone in the bathroom. I just stand still, acknowledging the fact that Sam’s words have hit me like a tonne of bricks. I hate that he’s right, but he is.

My foot collides with the wall as I grumble to myself angrily, wanting someone to smash a thousand glass bottles on my head for being such a heartless bastard.

What the hell was I thinking?! He’s going to hate me now. _A lot_. I’ve never seen Cas properly storm out of somewhere before. If I think about what he looked like a couple of minutes ago – red eyed with tears streaming down his face – I hate myself even more. He was trying to tell me what was wrong but I was having none of it. He was feeling shitty as it was and now he’s feeling worse _all_ thanks to me. I love him; I’m not supposed to be yelling at him for waiting a bit too long to go to the bathroom. He loves me too (well, I hope he still does) but maybe he really _is_ too good for me. He’s done _nothing_ wrong. He has trust issues and I just belittled all of his problems _right in front of him_. It seemed as though I didn’t care yet I’m fully aware that it’s not like he can ignore said issues. Just _fucking fuck fuck FUCK!_

I run a hand down my face and push the door to the restroom open, looking to my right and spotting Cas sitting on the edge of the sidewalk outside a closed sports shop. His feet are over the curb, flat on the road and he’s resting his elbows on his knees. The palms of his hands are covering his eyes and his fingers move up his forehead before disappearing into his hairline which he is gripping as he still so obviously cries his eyes out.

Sam is crouching next to him with one hand on his back. I can see that my brother is talking to him, trying to comfort him quietly but it isn’t working as of yet.

Speaking of, my brother looks up at me as I stand outside the bathroom watching then silently. He shoots me an icy glare and I do as he told me before. Get in the car.

I begin the walk of shame to the Chevy, trying my best to ignore the loud sobbing and sniffling of the angel. At one point, I hear him hiccup on his tears and I have to close my eyes to try not to cry about making him this upset. But either or, _I_ shouldn’t be allowed to cry. Only _Cas_ is allowed to cry because it’s all my fault.

It was never my intention to make hurt him this bad, but apparently it hit him one hundred times harder than expected.

I watch the two of them from inside the Car. Sam finally manages to pry Cas’ hands away from his face resulting in the angel wrapping his arms around my brother, the crying not ceasing one bit. Because of this, Sam sits down on the sidewalk properly next to Cas so the angel can do what he wants to try and calm down. And obviously that appears to be burying his face in Sam’s shirt and hiding from the world. From _me_.

I fucked up. Bad. _So much_ that Cas isn’t even seeking comfort and apologies from me now. He wants Sam, because Sam has never been drastically angry with him for simply being innocent. It’s because Sam didn’t yell at him. It’s because Sam is _better_ than me.

I can see that the angel is shaking in Sam’s arms. Trust it to be today that he’s a bit more sensitive than usual. That’s probably my fault too. I made him show me everything that happened to him last night even though he advised me not to. This makes me even more of a bad guy in this situation because I made Cas feel extra vulnerable again, _then_ yelled at him like he’d be fine afterwards. What the hell is wrong with me?!

I watch Sam mutter something else to Cas, and the angel nods to whatever it is. I watch also watch the odd word such as _yes_ and _okay_ leave Sam’s mouth. I have no doubt that the angel is telling him exactly what issue is behind this whole fiasco; the things that Cas was trying to tell me while I was shouting at him.

I know my brother is really pissed at me right now. I have a strong feeling the drive back to Lebanon is going to be hell. There will be two people sitting in the back of the car that basically _hate_ me.

Cas lifts his sleeve and wipes his eyes and then his nose. All I can think is _I caused that_ and _it’s my fault_. Which it is. There’s no going back now.

Sam’s words run through my head constantly, over and over. _Are you happy now?_

Of course I’m not. I’ve never hated myself more. Ever. There’s something really, really fucked up about making your best friend/the person you love cry this hard for this long. I am aware that this time, an apology and a hug is not going to cut it.

I try to remember the things that Castiel was trying to tell me between my shouting.

The main things he was saying were:

**(1)** _I couldn’t go without y-_

**(2)** _I was trying, Dean but-_

**(3)** _Please, just let me explain. I-_

Ok, so for the first one, he must have been telling me straight what the main issue is. Then he goes on to try to tell me what happened at the other gas station, and then he offers to explain. I suppose if he was going to elaborate, there _is_ a genuine reason for what’s been going on. If I had have let him just speak without cutting him off, none of this would have happened.

Without thinking about it much, I realise all of my answers are right here with those little things he said to me. All I have to do is put the sentences together.

_‘I was trying, Dean, but I couldn’t go without you. Please, just let me explain. I’m sorry.’_

I dip my head in frustration at myself for being such an idiot.  Obviously I still have questions about why Cas didn’t tell me about his problem, but I get the gist of this situation. He, for some reason, couldn’t use the bathroom without me being there. So, what, he had trouble standing? Was he scared?

I shake my head and look back up at Cas and my brother. The angel seems to have calmed down a little bit now, and Sam is talking to him normally. It looks like Cas is trying to explain something to him and Sam is nodding like he understands. Cas then gestures to his head with a wave of his hand before wiping his eyes with his sleeve again and continuing to speak. He then reaches down and places his hand on his lower abdomen, probably talking about the specifics.

Sam seems to be listening and nodding, doing a hell of a lot more than I did back in the restroom. I was angry at mom, and took it _all_ out on him.

I told him a couple of weeks ago that if I’m not listening, then he should _make me_ listen. He tried, but I was having none of it. I don’t think it’s possible for me to feel any guiltier than I do already (I wish it _was_ possible though since I just put Cas through all of that).

Sam begins to stand and helps Cas up with him who is grabbing on to my brother’s shirt tightly for support.

The angel still looks emotionally battered and hurt, but he seems better than before. Sam says something which makes Cas smile just a little bit, and I am relieved that he’s not been completely knocked back to square one from what I did to him.

Not that that makes anything ok. It just doesn’t.

The two of them make their way over to the car slowly, going at Cas’ pace. I can definitely see now that Cas’ eyes are still red and there are still tears threatening to fall, but he’s keeping it under control for now.

I think that overall, this is just another bad string of events that have happened way too close together.

Sam opens the back door and gets in first then helps Cas inside next to him so the Angel is by the window and my brother in the middle. Cas then drops his head back on the seat before rolling his head to the side to look out of the window. Sam helped him get in the car by gripping on the his forearm, and the angel doesn’t appear to have let go of him yet.

While all this is happening, I sit silently behind the wheel, glancing at them in the rear view mirror occasionally.

Sam manages to catch my eye and shoots me a glare, which I can thankfully translate into _drive_.

We only have two and a half hours left until we reach a reasonable place to stop, but I’m almost dreading it. Who’s Cas going to share a room with? I know for a fact that this motel doesn’t do triples because we’ve stayed there before. What if he even wants a room to himself?

No, I can’t let him do that. If he’s having trouble with not having me around for some reason, it’s obvious; I need to be around.

I increase the speed of the car as we move on to the highway, not failing to notice that Cas’ eyes are closed and he is resting his head on Sam’s shoulder, still exhausted from using up his energy last night.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous, but it’s my own fault anyway. I know Sam isn’t moving in on Cas or anything, that would be ridiculous, but I can’t help but feel disappointed because _I’m_ the one my angel should be leaning on. Not my brother.

Sam seems to click in to what I’m thinking and he shoots me another glare that gives off vibes of _it serves you right._

He knows exactly what Cas is thinking and feeling right now and I don’t, but I’d imagine the angel thinks that every time I get angry in the future, I’m going to take it out on him. Which, after this, will never ever happen again.

I drive for another half an hour, every so often glancing at them in the back with the mirror. Cas’ sniffling stopped when he fell asleep.

“Dean.” Sam whispers and I am relieved that the silence has at last been broken.

“Yeah Sammy?” I mumble quietly, both of us trying not to wake Cas.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“You are?” I ask, genuinely surprised

“Yeah, but I’m still pissed off at you.”

“I figured.”

“You really hurt him Dean.”

“You think I don’t know that?” I snap at him and immediately want to kick myself for being a bit loud. Luckily Cas doesn’t wake up though.

“I know you know that, but you have to realise that if you start getting all overpowering like that, it’s going to scare him.”

“He’s not _scared_ Sam.” I assure.

“You really have no idea, do you?” He sighs. “Being scared is the reason he didn’t tell you anything in the first place Dean.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m paraphrasing here, but Cas told me that he’s got so used to you being there for him in the bathroom, he can’t even _think_ of going in there on his own, let alone being able to use the toilet. He’s worried that someone’s going to come up behind him and chain him up, and he’s managed to convince himself that that’s definitely going to happen if you’re not there. Like, he _physically_ _can’t_ go to the bathroom on his own unless you’re there behind him, and he was scared to tell you because he thought you’d walk away from him and tell him to help himself.”

“Why would I tell him that? I’d never say that.”

“You did once. In one of his nightmares. I think that’s where all of this is coming from.”

“So, what, he didn’t tell me because he thinks that eventually I’m gonna ditch him?”

“Exactly. He knows that when he gets better, he won’t need your help to keep steady anymore and the minute that happens, he’s assuming that you’re going to leave him just because he’s become – and I quote – _‘inconveniently dependent’_ on you.”

I groan, “I’ve talked to him about that kind of thing before. He already knows I wouldn’t do that.”

“You have to _keep_ telling him Dean! He’s still gonna be vulnerable to any insecure thoughts about you so you have to keep reminding him that you’re not going anywhere.” Sam hisses, and again, he couldn’t be more right.

The angel yawns in his sleep and buries his face deeper in to Sam’s shoulder.

“But you know something, Dean?” Sam continues, “he’s still gonna _have_ to share a room with _you_ because believe it or not, he’s still not gonna be able to go to the bathroom without you. So, I guess you better start thinking of some things to say to him if you want to try and make this right.”

I just nod, knowing my brother has a point. How the hell am I going to repay Cas for _this_ though? There’s absolutely no way he’s going to forgive me this time, and I deserve every second that he is upset with me.


	22. You Need To Trust Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries his best to make Cas feel better.

“Two doubles please.” Sam asks the person at the desk and they nod before tapping some buttons on a computer and handing us some key cards. “Thanks.”

Castiel is hanging up front with Sam while I’m cowering behind. God, what do I look like? Dean Winchester _cowering_ because I don’t wanna face the person I really hurt. I’m _really bad_ at apologising (y’know, just to make things worse).

The three of us make the way to our rooms in silence, knowing that now me and Cas will have to be alone together and somehow work this out.

Sam unlocks his own door first and goes straight in, but I do notice him give Cas a reassuring glance along with a nod.

Then it’s just the two of us, standing outside silently. The moment I step forward to help my friend walk, he walks away from me even though it hurts him to do so.

I walk behind him, my head hanging low then follow him into our room. He sits with his back to me on the furthest bed from the door, clearly not wanting to speak just yet. I can’t wait any longer though, I have to make up with him or I feel like I’m gonna explode with guilt and everything else.

“Cas.” I mutter quietly, knowing there is shame in my voice but I shouldn’t care because I damn well deserve it.

“It’s fine.” He clarifies firmly without looking at me, but anyone with eyes can see that he’s not telling the truth. It’s anything _but_ fine and we both know it.

“It’s not though, is it?”

“I get it. You were angry at your mom and you needed something to yell at.”

“You’re not a _something_ Cas. And I was never planning to shout at you. You’re not a _thing_ , you’re my best friend, and you’re also the person I love-“

“Don’t.” He puts calmly, stopping me carry on talking. I don’t blame him; he’s heard all of this before. “Just don’t.”

“I’m sorry. I promise I didn’t mean _any_ of it.”

“Why did you say it then?” He asks. I’m digging myself into a hole here.

“I was worked up about mom and also tired and hungry-“

“So was Sam.” Cas states. “But the difference is, _he_ didn’t say things he didn’t mean.”

“I’m not Sam, Cas.” I clarify, raising my voice just a little. I force it back down though. “I’m just me. I…I can’t control myself if I get wound up tight. You know that.” I reply in a way that doesn’t make me sound like I’m trying to make excuses. It may be a reason, but it isn’t an excuse.

“I still don’t understand why you shouted at me.” He murmurs, still not looking at me.

“…it was because you didn’t tell me, Cas.”

“I was scared.” He speaks quietly.

“I know. Sammy told me about everything…I know you have some issues trusting me because of some of your nightmares, but I would never leave and I really need you to recognise that. I shouted at you because I was hurt that you didn’t tell me about needing me around, and also not telling me that you didn’t actually go at the first gas station which lead to all that panic. I understand you’re scared, but even if you don’t trust anyone else, trust _me._ I’m not going anywhere. But, still, on my side…I really _am_ sorry.”

Cas finally stands up and walks over to me slowly, but he doesn’t look any better than before. “Yeah” he says, “whatever.” The angel then reaches into the bag and pulls out his IPod which is already connected to a pair of headphones.

He then walks back over to his bed and lies down, his back facing me once again.

I want to say something else, _anything_ else, but he’s already shut me out.

I guess this is just a taste of my own medicine. He used the word _‘whatever’_ to dismiss everything I’ve said which is the exact same thing I did to _him_ in the restroom earlier.

Sighing, I sit down on my own bed to try and think of something else to say to him, because whatever I’ve already tried isn’t working. At least, I don’t _think_ it is.

The silence goes on for a while – Cas listening to his IPod and me sitting on my bed trying to think of apologies. Maybe I should just let him be? What if I’m just making everything worse? I feel like whatever I say, I’m belittling all of his issues when I really don’t mean to. I’m trying to do the opposite which is understand what they are and _help_ him. But I can’t do that when he doesn’t tell me anything.

Cas shifts around some before randomly removing his headphones. He sits up then stands, walking over to the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

He knew I was watching him, and I’m slightly curious now, wondering what the hell he’s doing, but deep down I know. I _know._

I decide to let him stay in there for ten minutes, and if he still hasn’t appeared by then, I’m going in.

And just like that, 10 minutes turns to 5, and 5 turns to 1. He’s still a no show.

I debate giving him a little more time, but ten minutes is fairly long as it is.

Standing up, I make my way over to the bathroom door, opening it slowly so I don’t startle him.

I see him standing there with his back turned, one hand gripping the towel rail on the wall so tight his knuckles are white, and his other hand is in front of him which I can’t see much of. His breathing is slightly ragged too. Does this mean he’s been standing and trying for ten minutes? He’s been fighting the pain in his leg for ten whole minutes, and has chosen not to call me for any help when he so obviously needs it?

I know he knows I’m here, but I approach him slowly anyway.

Reaching out, I gently grab hold of his hand that is gripping the towel rail, prying it away. Now I can feel how much weight he was putting on it in an attempt to support himself. When was the last time he had painkillers?

After doing this, I let go of his wrist and snake my arm around his front on his waist, and the angel immediately rests his whole weight on me, obviously exhausted from trying to stand so long when that stab wound was probably killing him.

The moment I run my hand through his hair and stroke his scalp gently with my fingertips, he starts peeing. Simple as that. He _was_ telling the truth. He genuinely _can’t_ go when I’m not with him, and I, stupidly and without thinking, just let him go through ten minutes of leg pain because of it.

As soon as he finishes, he washes his hands and turns around in my arms to face me. There is a slight redness to his cheeks from a little bit of humiliation, but I don’t care. He looks in pain.

I stare into his eyes for a long time, trying to read the situation we’ve found ourselves in now. Cas doesn’t seem as pissed off as earlier, he just seems…tired.

Lifting one of my hands up, I brush all of the hair from Cas’ forehead back so the front bits are sticking up again before moving my hand down through the rest of his hair to his cheek. I run my thumb along it and he looks into my eyes for a little longer then pulls me forwards gently so we can wrap our arms around each other properly and hug some of this tension away. I know fully well that Cas has certainly _not_ forgiven me, but it’s progress, and I can settle with progress.

***

“If we set off early-ish tomorrow, we should get back to the bunker at around 2pm.” Sam announces, holding his motel room door open for us.

We’ve just been and got takeout – we didn’t feel like sitting in a rowdy diner. Well actually, I’ll rephrase that, _Cas_ didn’t want to sit in a rowdy diner. Not that I blame him.

We were thinking of watching a movie instead or something while we eat our food. We’re doing it in Sam’s room tonight though. I didn’t want our room smelling of food while we’re trying to sleep. In other words, Sam drew the short straw.

Cas sits down next to me on the couch. He’s not so close that our thighs and shoulders are touching or anything, he’s just close enough to mean that I’m _more_ forgiven than earlier but still not very forgiven.

I can live with that.

My brother sits on the other side of Cas, grabbing hold of the remote and turning the TV on. He skips past a load of channels until he reaches Star Trek. It’s one of the new ones though.

“Star Trek Into Darkness?” Sam asks, switching his gaze between me and Cas. In a way. he’s piggy in the middle with all of this. He’s speaking to both of us about each other _behind_ each other's backs.

Cas shrugs yes.

“Why not.” I state, sinking further into the cushions.

My brother puts the remote down on the floor so he can eat his food and when the movie comes on, it’s already been playing for about fifteen minutes. Not bad. Sometimes it’s really annoying and you have to start watching when it’s already half way through so we’re lucky tonight.

At one point, Cas must have finished his food so he decided to hand it to me. Even though I know he’s still annoyed at me, I have to stifle a laugh because it reminds of some kind of stage direction that could go along the lines of _*aggressively passes food*_.

Surprise surprise, he falls asleep not long after.

Me and Sam watch the rest of the movie, not bothering to wake him up because he still needs as much rest as he can get.

“Do you think he was _that_ bad? He had perfectly valid reasons for what he did. Well, most of the time.” My brother asks once the credits come on, referring to Khan.

“Depends on how you look at it I guess.” I shrug, “he _was_ only trying to avenge for the loss of his people, but at the same time he killed a bunch of other bastards. So I’d say he’s half and half.”

Sam chuckles, “that sounds like _us_. Obviously without the evil part though. We try not to kill innocents.”

“Apart from when I was a demon.”

“That doesn’t count!” Sam laughs again loudly which wakes Cas up with a jump.

“I’m awake.” He blurts out the moment his eyes open, confused as to where he is because of being fast asleep five seconds ago.

“Yeah, I can see that.” I shake my head smiling, but the angel just glares at me. Ok, point made. Too soon. He still doesn’t like me that much at the minute.

“What’s th’ time?” Cas mumbles sleepily, rubbing his eyes.

“Uhh,” Sam looks at his watch, “nearly half eleven. We should go to bed, really. Long drive tomorrow.”

I nod and stand up, offering a hand for Cas to take but he ignores it and stands up on his own.

Yep, definitely still annoyed.  I _still_ don’t blame him though. I really upset him a lot and I’m gonna have to pay for it.

Sam shoots me a _‘I can tell you’re trying’_ glance as we leave his room and go back into our own.

I help Cas get ready for bed in the bathroom first and he walks out on his own to let me get ready too.

However, when I switch off the light and re-enter the bedroom, I am disappointed to see that Cas is under the blankets in his _own_ bed, not mine. His back is also once again facing me so I can’t see whether he’s still awake or anything.

I sigh quietly and climb into the bed closest to the door, tuning off the lamp on the bedside table as well.

It feels cold without him here with me. _He’s_ always so _warm_. There’s no weight on my chest where he’s usually lying on me, and there’s also no elbow digging in to my side where he sometimes shifts around in his sleep. There aren’t any legs or cold feet tangling with my own and there aren’t any sharp hipbones pressing my thighs down. I can’t feel his hair brushing against my face or his warm, soft breathing against my neck. I freaking miss _everything_ already. I freaking miss _him_.

I stare longingly at the lump under the covers on the other bed, wishing more than anything that he was here clinging on to me like a limpet like he usually is.

But he’s not. And I’m gonna have to deal with it. So, once again, I have to tell myself _it is my own fault_.

***

**2:43am**

I am woken by the sheets rustling next to me, but I stay still because I know it’s Cas. I want to know what he’s doing.

A blast of cold air hits me when the blankets are lifted up, but I don’t care, because soon the coldness has been replaced by warmth; Cas just got into bed next to me.

He’s still not facing me, but he shuffles back anyway to get closer. I think he knows I’m awake now because I lift my left arm up and sling it over him while he pushes back further until we’re spooning. I slot my legs behind his and breathe in his scent. A scent that has the ability to calm me down from _anything_.

I feel his fingers lock with mine and I smile sadly. He might have a reason for coming over here, he might not, but I don’t mind either way. Cas is with me now, and the hole has been filled.

I run my other hand through his hair and he snuggles closer. He’s close enough for me to do it, so I lean in and press my lips to his neck lightly before letting them linger there as I mutter “I’m sorry” quietly.

He doesn’t reply, but his grip on my hand tightens which shows me he heard and he knows I am.

I keep combing my fingers gently through the angel’s hair until he goes lax against me and his breathing has slowed down.

At last, I smile, closing my eyes and shifting slightly to get comfy.

I fall in to a much calmer, peaceful sleep this time.

***

**8:47am**

“DEAN, CAS, YOU IN THERE?”

I groan when I hear someone shouting through the door from outside.

Forcing myself out of bed and away from the warmth that is Cas, I wander over to the door groggily to open it up, which reveals an angry but worried looking Sam who is fully dressed.

Crap. I forgot to set my alarm.

“Mornin’ Sammy.” I murmur and my brother rolls his eyes.

“Just get ready. We’re leaving in fifteen minutes.”

“Whyyy.” I whine, yawning my ass off.

“Because Mom texted back and said she’ll meet us at the bunker at 2pm and she has no key to get in so we need to try and get there first.”

“Fine.” I growl. I hope she stays this time. I _really_ want her to stay. She is my mom after all, and even if I’m angry with her, I really wanna spend some time with her before she goes again.

I close the door when Sam walks off and rub my eyes, finally starting to wake up properly.

Cas is, of course, still fast asleep so I decide to let him be. He doesn’t need to be rushing around packing with that leg still healing anyway.

I strip down out of my pyjamas and get into some jeans and a t-shirt before quickly packing up everything I can, including clothes (that have once again found their way on to the floor) and the medical kit from the bathroom.

After a couple of minutes of rushing around, I force myself to slow down when it’s time to wake Castiel up.

I crawl on to the bed and place my hand on his back to make him at least stir. “Cas.” I whisper gently. “We need to get going.”

He moans into the pillow tiredly, probably not registering nor caring what I’m saying.

“Come on, buddy. Here, sit up.” I encourage him best I can, but it ends up being me turning him over and grabbing hold of his shoulders and pulling him upright slowly. His eyes are still firmly closed and I wonder whether he’s actually sleeping while sitting up like this, and his limp body is in fact telling me _yes_.

Well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he manages to sleep _whenever he fucking wants_. I’m actually jealous.

“Ok, plan B.” I mutter, going back over to the door to get a blanket out of our bag then sling the strap of it over my head to carry it on my shoulder.

I then pull the angel out of bed and wrap him in the blanket which seems to suffice for him because he doesn’t protest to the loss of the other blankets.

He’s still 95% asleep and barely moving, so I have to wrap both arms firmly around his waist to get us out of the door and start walking over to Sam who is waiting for us on the balcony.

When he notices Cas, he frowns, “Dean,” He starts, but I don’t have time for one of his Sam lectures.

“Whaaaaat? He’s always grumpy if he’s woken up, I decided to dodge a bullet.” I reply, knowing I sound proud of myself.

My brother rolls his eyes and looks at Cas again, who I am gripping on to tightly so he doesn’t fall.

He’s still in his pyjamas, his hair is more of a mess than usual (along with one side being completely flattened from where he was lying on the pillow), his eyes aren’t even open yet, he can barely lift an arm let alone walk and to top it all off, he’s mumbling nonsense in a sort of sleepy trance.

“He’s either gonna thank you,“ Sam’s sentence is interrupted with another incomprehensible mumble from Cas, “or he’s gonna behead you.”

“I can roll with that. Now come on, I didn’t get him out of the room in this state for nothing.”

We hand the key cards in then go over to the car then slide in to the seats.

Sam’s driving the first half today so I decide to get in the back with Cas who is still managing to remain half asleep. This is actually incredible. It’s like he has sleeping superpowers or something.

As soon as we hit the road, Cas flops to the side and lands in my lap. _Still asleep!_

“Oh my god.” I chuckle, repositioning the angel’s seatbelt around his waist so he’d be more protected now he’s lying down.

We end up driving for about an hour until Cas finally surfaces.

The angel sits up and groans, rubbing his temples.

“Morning, sleepyhead. Oh, and just so you know, you’re a pretty deep sleeper.” I laugh and Cas looks at me confused for a second before his expression turns into a scowl.

“Just so _you_ know, you’re _not_ completely forgiven. Stop pretending like it’s nothing, because it might not be to _you_ , but it’s anything and everything to _me_.” He snaps back, moving away from me.

That shuts me up, but it only generates more questions like what the hell was he doing in my bed last night if he’s still upset with me?

“Sorry.” I mumble. “I really _do_ care though. More than anything.”

“I know. But sometimes you’re crappy at showing it.” He grumbles more quietly, burying himself in the blanket then looking out of the window.

I look down at my hands and play with my fingers, knowing he’s absolutely right.

We travel for another two hours, but have to stop when I realise that me and Cas didn’t actually get chance to eat anything this morning.

Entering the diner, we make our way over to a booth and sit down to study the menus.

Cas orders a salad like Sam (where did I go wrong?) and I order a burger before we all decide to use the restrooms while we eat our food.

Once me and Sam are done at the urinals, my brother exits the bathroom to get back to the table in case our food comes while we’re away. I go over to Cas and help him into a cubicle; it’s much more private.

“Cas?”

“Hm?” He asks as I lock the door and support him from the back.

“What was last night about?” I want to know.

“What do you mean?” He questions again, pulling the front of his pants down a little.

“Why did you get in to bed with me early this morning?”

His shoulders tense up suddenly. “No reason.”

“I may not be a detective Cas, but I can tell when you’re lying. Please, just tell me. Whatever it is, I won’t mind.”

The angel sighs. “I couldn’t sleep.”

I’m about to ask him if there was anything else like a nightmare or something, but it’s as if he knows what I’m going to say and speaks before I can.

“I promise. That’s all it was. I…I sleep better when I’m with you.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“You sleep better when you’re with yourself?” Cas asks confusedly.

“What? No, I meant _you_. I sleep better with _you_.” I laugh and he chuckles as well. “But Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for telling me.” I run my hand through his hair to help him relax. Like last time, he’s not chilled enough so he can’t pee. It’s a pretty simple concept to be honest. Tense equals nope. Relaxed equals fountain.

“…I’m trying to be more honest. You know, to avoid any situations that are similar to the one yesterday.” He admits.

I press a kiss to the back of his neck before muttering, “I know” and this seems to do it for him and get him going. I hope I can find a way to help get his confidence back; having a shy bladder has nothing to do with the actual bladder, it’s psychological.

“If you think about it, we haven’t been to the bathroom yet today either.”

“Yeah, we got straight in the car. I forgot to set the alarm so we slept over and had to get ready fast.”

“How did I end up in the car?” He asks, finishing up then turning around to face me.

“I kind of dragged you out of bed.” I chuckle nervously , rubbing the back of my neck.

The angel shrugs, “thank you. I rather like the process of sleeping now.”

“Thank god.” I mutter.

“For what?”

“Earlier Sam said when you woke up and found out I forced you to get up, you’d either thank me or behead me. Looks like I got lucky.”

“I could have beheaded you?” He exclaims in fake disappointment before smiling.

I smile back at him but remember how we’re still working things out between us, “wouldn’t have blamed you if you did though.” I mumble, looking down at the floor. His smile falls too. “I really _am_ sorry, Cas. About yesterday, I mean.”

The angel unexpectedly encloses me in a hug, “I know.” He whispers then kisses my jaw. It makes me feel better; better than I’ve been feeling for the last twenty four hours.

Cas pulls back and we exit the cubicle. He washes his hands and dries them before we go back out of the bathroom to join Sam at the table.

I notice that Cas sits just a little bit closer to me this time, and I smile to myself. I think I might finally be getting my friend (or boyfriend?) back. It may have only been a day, but it feels like forever.


	23. It Wasn't Foxes, Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean make up <3  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this is kind of the last chapter of the actual story. I decided to add an epilogue not too long ago (so I still need to write it!) which is why it says that there are 24 chapters. That should follow this chapter soon (ish).
> 
> But yeah, this is it! Hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> (Lots of fluff...annnnnd a little bit of smut) 
> 
> :)

**2:34pm**

“Hi mom!” Sam beams, jumping out of the car and into said woman’s arms.

We got to the bunker later than expected so she’s been here for about half an hour so it’s not too bad.

I hear her ask my brother how he’s doing. I remain in the car, pretending to be helping Cas but I’m actually staring at the two of them as they talk. What, so she can ditch us for god knows how long and then…then just come back?

Cas must have noticed my hesitation because he places a comforting hand on my shoulder. Just because we still haven’t completely made up yet doesn’t mean he can’t be nice.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but if you’re assuming that she’s going to leave again, maybe you want to spend as much time as possible with her? Go to her Dean. You really want to, I can tell. Just for now, put your grudge aside.” The angel suggests and I stare at him blankly. His eyes go wide and he starts stuttering trying to apologise, “I-I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry. I-It’s your business not mine and- uh, sorry I’m sorry Dea-“

I cut him off when I lean forward and push my mouth against his gently, starting a tender kiss. He kisses back for a while and it feels _so good_ to be able to kiss this man again.

When I pull back, I stay close to him and let my face linger next to his, “thanks Cas” I mutter then sit back, give him a grateful smile and get out of the car.

“Dean!” Mom exclaims and I smile warmly at her, opening my arms up when she comes bounding up to me and encloses me in a hug.

“I missed you.” I mutter into her hair and she runs her hand up my back.

“I know. It’s been a while, I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok mom. You needed time.” I smile again, breaking apart from the hug and looking at her.

“Hello Mrs Winchester!” Cas calls happily from the car and I have to stifle a laugh. They’ve only met once and that was when the angel realised I was alive.

“Um, hello Castiel!” She shouts back then turns to me, “what on earth got in to him?”

Ah yes, she met him when he was an angel; he’s definitely different now. Much more human-adapted. Probably because now he understands our pain when we stub a toe on the fucking wall. You know, just as a random example (I may or may not have laughed when it happened to him a couple of days ago. It was fineeeeee).

“Long story.” I chuckle, going over to the car to get our bags and help Cas walk over to the front door of the bunker where the others are standing.

“Home.” Sam sighs thankfully and opens the door, revealing our little bat cave just as we left it.

Mom heads down the metal steps first, then me and Cas follow. The angel goes down a couple and suddenly yelps in what must be pain, “ah!”

“Cas, are you okay?” I ask worriedly, placing my hand flat on his chest to keep him still so he doesn’t lose his balance and accidentally fling the both of us down the stairs.

“M-my leg it’s…the stairs they…”

He doesn’t finish his sentence. “When was the last time you had painkillers?”

“Last night.” His voice is strained.

“Alright. Alright.” I try and comfort as I think of something to do.

Cas’ leg has been healing up pretty well. Yes, he can walk on steady, flat ground, but I’m guessing that stairs are still a problem. The wound has nearly closed up on the surface but heck, it’s still going to be a bitch for a very long time. The dagger was shoved through front to back, twisted several times and kicked out again. Of course it’s going to be painful.

Seeing no other option, I scoop Cas up easily and he wraps his arms around my neck, not seeming too bothered about being carried, just relieved that some of the pressure has been taken off his leg.

I trot down the stairs carefully, Sam following close behind just in case I trip and mom watching us from down below looking very confused.

“Sam, can you go into my bag and get the medical kit thingy?”

My brother nods and unzips my duffel, rifling through the clothes until he finds the green bag. He presses it into my hand and I mutter “back in a sec” to him and mom so I can sort Cas out.

I hitch Cas up in my arms so I can support him under his knees and his back better before strolling off towards my room.

He says nothing as I walk down the corridor past each of the empty bedrooms. The angel just clings to me tightly as if he’s wanted to do it for a while. I have too to be honest.

I kick open my door and place Cas down flat on the bed. He stares at me blankly as I unzip the bag.

“Is everything ok?” I ask, taking a bottle of liquid painkiller and piercing the cap with the needle then sucking the liquid up.

“Just tired.” He shrugs. “Long drive.”

I nod in understanding and approach him, placing the needle down on the bedside table.

He reaches down and grabs his pants, pulling them down to his knees with my help so I can unwrap the current bandages.

“How does it look?” He asks, wincing as I remove the bandage completely.

“Good actually. Is it really hurting?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright.” I step back and pick the needle back up, trying not to think about the fact that Cas is lying down on my bed with his pants half way down his legs. I’m too tired to even consider anything about it right now thankfully.

I use an antibacterial wet wipe to clean the surface of his leg before pressing the needle in and pushing the liquid through with the syringe. Cas gasps. It seems as though he’s never gonna get used to this.

Placing my hand a bit lower on his leg reassuringly, I push the rest of the painkiller in and Cas sighs in relief as it works the pain away.

“Thanks Dean.” He says after I replace his bandage and pull his pants back up. He also sits up.

“It’s ok Cas.” I smile. “You coming?”

He looks down to the floor and looks like he considers something, “is it ok if I stay here? I-I didn’t get much sleep last night without you so I’m really tired.”

“Want me to stay?” I ask genuinely. If it’s going to help him rest, I’ll quite happily stay with him.

“No, it’s ok. Be with your mom.” He decides.

“Are you sure? Will you be able to sleep?”

“I’ll be fine.” He assures. I suppose he _did_ say just can’t sleep _very well_ without me. It doesn’t mean he can’t sleep at all.

I nod and walk over to him, leaning down and wrapping my arms around the angel. I just love him so much my heart aches.

He grips me back then lets go of me so he can shuffle back, curl up and rest his head on the pillow.

I smile and walk over to the door, turning the light off and exiting the room.

When I get back to mom and Sam, they are talking but stop when I get in to the room.

“He ok?” My brother asks.

“Yeah he’s fine. Just tired.”

“What happened?” Mom asks and I have to think of something to say for a couple of seconds.

“…it’s kind of a long story.” I mutter, giving her the same reply as I did outside. I sit down on one of the chairs at the map table.

Sam clears his throat and picks up his bag, “I think I’m gonna go put my stuff away in my room and get cleaned up. See you guys a bit later, yeah?”

“Kay. Just be quiet though; Cas is sleeping.” I reply, noticing mom sit down in the chair next to me when Sam nods then leaves.

“I got time.” She assures, putting her hand on my knee, and with that, I tell her _everything_. Right from the beginning where Cas was finding it difficult to get a win, then to when he was acting weird then to when he got raped and so on. I tell her all of it up to this point including the situation yesterday where I shouted at him and how he still seems kind of upset with me for it.

“-and I just don’t know what to do or how to make it up to him. I feel guilty enough as it is.” I finally finish. I’ve been telling her all of this for a good half an hour. Well, I suppose I did warn her. _Long story!_

“Dean” She starts.

“Hmm?” I look into her eyes.

“You know, sometimes someone finds it nearly impossible to forgive you for something. If they’re truly hurt, they’re truly hurt. It sounds like that’s what’s happening to Cas, but it’s ok that you overstepped the line, because it means you’re not going to do it again. Some mistakes are better when they’re made early, and this is one of them. I think maybe to make this better, you need to make him happy, and I’m talking _really_ happy. Do something he loves. Take him to or show him _anything_ that you know he loves that will make his day. Sometimes you can’t apologise to people, but you can certainly make it up to them. He needs to _know_ that you’ve accepted that you went too far when you shouted at him. He needs to _know_ that you are there for him if he has trust issues, and most of all, he needs to _know_ firmly that you _love him_ , and nothing’s ever going to get in the way of that.”

I reach forward and hug my mom tight. She gets taken by surprise from it, but soon wraps her arms around me too. “I really _did_ miss you.”

“Missed you too.” I can hear her smile.

“Thank you. I think I know what to do.”  I pull back and give her a huge smile before running off to pack some things.

***

“Dean, where are we going?” Cas asks me from the passenger seat, looking at me confusedly. I haven’t told him anything yet. I woke him up back at the bunker and persuaded him to come with me.

“You’ll see.” I grin at him and he rolls his eyes.

I pull in to a small gravel parking area and stop the car. It’s getting dark already but the red and orangey colour of the sunset can be seen on the horizon. The lake in front of us reflects the view perfectly.

There are trees surrounding the lake along with a strip of grass that leads right down to the water; a perfect place to put our blanket down.

It’s perfect because no one else is around – it’s just us.

I bite my lip in excitement and turn to Cas who is looking out of the front window admiring the view.

“Come on.” I smile and step out of the car then open the back door to get the stuff I brought. Cas gets out too, not taking his eyes off the lake. I know he likes nature. He _loves_ nature.

I circle the car and help the angel walk across the gravel and then the grass. He helps me place the blanket down and spread it so we can sit on it.

Happy that I brought an extra blanket, I wrap the thick material around the both of us to protect us from the cold October air.

Cas turns to me, “Dean…what’s this about?” He sounds so mesmerised.

I shuffle closer to him and wrap my left arm around his back and then lock fingers with him with my right hand.

“I’m making it up to you.” I mutter gently, watching the last light of the sun disappear and the stars start appearing.

“…why?”

“Because I love you Cas. More than anything. And I did something wrong, but I want to make it right.” The man next to me leans on me more and takes a deep but gentle breath.

“Thank you.” He smiles in content. “I love you too.” Cas turns his head further and nudges his cold nose against my cheek.

“Here.” I say, reaching over to the bag I brought and pulling out a flask full of coffee. I pour us two cups and hand one to Cas.

He nods in thanks and takes a sip, warming his hands on the small plastic cup.

“Is your mom ok?” He asks, watching some birds fly across the lake, their feet dipping in the water and creating little lines that last for a couple of seconds then disappear.

“She’s doing good actually. She’s been retracing dad’s steps from his journal at the same time as doing smaller cases.”

“She looks a lot like you.”

“You think?” I kiss his temple lightly then look back across the lake.

“Yeah. I think it’s your eyes…and your smile.” I smile at this and hug Cas closer.

“Can you see those two stars right there?” The angel asks, pointing in the general direction of whatever he can see.

I squint and look around until I can see two bright stars shining brightly next to each other.

“Yeah I see.” They almost remind me of the two of us. Just two stars in amongst a sea of others, but _they_ are special. They’ve been around a long time and seen many things on earth happen that most probably don’t even know about.

“Right in between those, there is another galaxy – not unlike Andromeda - that the humans haven’t discovered yet. It won’t be seen for a long time yet since the the light is still travelling through vacuum. It’s interesting don’t you think?”

“Yeah it is. Have you ever been up there? In space?”

“No, but I’ve dreamt of it.”

“I didn’t know angels dream of things.” I whisper lovingly.

“We don’t usually. We can do what we want _now_ , but since God hasn’t been around much, even _we_ don’t know what is out there. Only a few have been beyond this galaxy. They never came back. It’s very dangerous. There could be wavelengths and frequencies we can’t even imagine, but it’s all a great mystery.”

Once we have both finished our coffee, I move my legs and sit with them crossed before dragging Cas into my lap so he can sit more comfortably in the gap in the middle. He doesn’t say anything or act surprised, he just leans back against me and rests his head on my shoulder.

My arms snake around his waist and I hold him close, pulling the blanket more securely around us with my fingers.

I listen to his soft breathing for a while until he turns his head and kisses the corner of my mouth. I move my head around too so we can meet properly and our lips press together, starting a gentle kiss in the moonlight.

Closing my eyes, I enjoy the feeling of my mouth moving against his. He moves one of his hands up and weaves his fingers through my hair.

Cas licks gently into my mouth and our lips slide together like we’ve been together forever. All I can think about is how much I’m in love with him and how I’d do anything for him if given the chance.

I smile into the kiss and I can feel Cas do the same. It feels so good to be able to be close to him like this again; to feel his warm body against mine, to run my hands through his hair, to take in anything and everything that is just _Cas_.

I open one eye to look up at the sky and abruptly pull back from Cas.

“Did I do something wrong?” He asks.

“No.” I smile, excited for his reaction. “Look.” I lift my head up and watch the black sky for a few seconds before looking back at the angel.

Cas also raises his head and sees several lines appear as they shoot across the sky. His eyes go wide as he watches and he stares up in wonder. I’m sure he’s seen a meteor shower before but not like this. Not on earth. Not with _me_.

The corners of his mouth pull up into a toothy smile as he watches all of the streaks appear then disappear slowly over and over.

“This is incredible.” He sighs, the moonlight catching his eyes and making them even bluer. My heart swells in my chest and I hold Cas tight against me.

“Thought you’d like it.” I murmur, looking up at the shower myself. I’m so happy that we’re far enough away from civilisation to be able to see all of this.

“I love it.” Cas smiles. “I love _you_.” He looks back down at me and there is adoration in his eyes. It makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.

We watch the shower for a while longer until Cas turns around in my lap, leans forwards and kisses me more passionately.

I slowly lie down with the angel on top of me, kissing me like he never has done before. It screams _I love you I love you I love you I love you_ constantly as my mouth moves against his.

“You mean everything to me.” He whispers between slides of lips.

“I’m never going anywhere.” I whisper back and flip us over so I can be on top.

The minute our lips reconnect, I push my tongue into his mouth and the angel actually moans quietly.

I smile again and press my hips down on to his just to see what happens. He moans a bit louder and I find that he’s a bit harder down there than usual.

Not being able to resist, I pull back and start giggling uncontrollably.

Cas looks confused at first and then joins in my laughter even though he doesn’t know what I’m laughing about, “what?” He chuckles.

“The thought of getting it on _here_ outside is kind of amusing. Imagine if someone saw us.”

“I suppose we don’t want to freak anyone out.”

“No. If we were foxes then maybe, but we can’t do this in a public park no matter how late it is.”

Cas laughs, probably thinking about that time at Jody’s house when him and Claire were talking about foxes mating.

“How did you get hard so fast?” I laugh again and he shrugs, smirking. “Wanna go back home?”

“Yeah.” He replies and we quickly collect our stuff up and get in the car.

I drive a little faster than usual for some reason, knowing something is going to happen when we get back and being really quite excited about it.

It’s about 12:40am so no one should still be awake.

Once home, I immediately pick Cas up and walk down the stairs with him in my arms. I don’t bother putting him down until we are in my room with the door firmly closed.

I push him down on the bed gently, one of my hands immediately threading through his hair while the other teases the hem of his shirt. Our lips lock together again and Cas runs his hands up and down my sides.

I make sure not to grab him or his hands too quickly since it could possibly remind him of Omandriel. He seems fine at the minute though, but I will keep checking.

For some reason, Cas starts giggling into the kiss and I pull back smiling, “are you laughing?”

“Y-yeah.” He giggles and I sit up.

“What’s wrong?” I shake my head, still smiling.

“I need to go to the bathroom.” He laughs and I roll my eyes.

“Seriously? Can it not wait?” I lean back down and carry on kissing his lips tenderly.

“I don’t think so.”

We speak through kissing.

“How bad?”

“Really bad. I drank a lot of water today.”

I snort and give in. “Ok, come on.”

I sit up again and take his hand, pulling him back out of the room and down the corridor to the communal bathroom.

We laugh like teenagers as we approach a cubicle because of all of this sneaking around.

I go behind Cas and end up constantly kissing his neck all the way through until he’s done.

I don’t fail to notice that it doesn’t take him long to get going this time compared to other times. Hmm.

He's healing properly this time.

He washes his hands and laughs again when I run one of my own hands along a spot where he’s ticklish.

“Deeeean!” He protests amusedly, batting my hand away.

I chuckle and we get back in to my bedroom with no problems.

This time, I’m the one lying on my back with Cas on top. He leans down and carries on the kiss we started before, all of the laughing dying down when we begin to get more aroused.

Cas removes my t-shirt meaning we have to break the kiss for a second, but it starts again as soon as the material is over my head.

I go to do the same for Cas but remember him being unsure about taking clothes off. “You okay with this?” I mutter between kisses and Cas nods, letting me remove his hoodie and his t-shirt.

Moving my leg up, I press it between Cas’ legs and he groans out in pleasure as I continue rubbing him with my knee through his pants.

My lips find their way to his left nipple, and I run my tongue along the hardened nub making the angel whimper softly at the good feeling. He groans again when I move on to his right nipple, a deep rumble in his chest that vibrates along to where my mouth is.

He nibbles on my neck and sucks on pulse point gently, straddling my hips when I move my knee back down.

Cas leans forwards more which presses our crotches flush together between our jeans. We both groan at the contact and I risk placing my hands on Cas’ hips, rocking him slightly.

The angel’s hands also roam around my chest, and for some reason, the atmosphere this time feels different. It’s loving and not rushed. We’re taking it slow and it makes me think _are we gonna have sex?_

“Hang on for a sec Cas.” I say, taking hold of his wrists very gently and easing him off me. “I wanna know what you want. Are you…are you wanting to take things further?”

The angel blushes and it’s really cute. “Yes, I’d like to have sex with you Dean.” His voice is kind of quiet and it’s just too adorable.

I give him a reassuring smile, “okay. Want me to take over a bit?”

“That would be good. I have no idea what I’m doing.” He admits and I smirk, turning us over once more.

“And you’re sure about this?” I ask as a genuine question and Castiel nods surely. “Alright.”

I close my eyes and lean down, kissing Cas with all the love I have for him and he does the same. My fingers work at the belt on his pants and he lifts his hips so I can slide them down easier.

Once they are off, I don’t go all the way back up, I stay down and instead press my mouth against his boxers, mouthing at him through the fabric and making him moan. I take hold of the waistband with my teeth and slowly drag his boxers down over his erect dick.

As soon as his boxers are completely off, I lick a stripe all the way up the underside of his length. His hands immediately shoot down and weave through my hair, tugging on it lightly to urge me to keep going. He doesn’t even know he’s doing it.

I move my mouth around everywhere, licking and sucking every so often before taking him down my throat. I swallow around his arousal and he moans so loud I’m worried he woke Australia up. I don’t bother to tell him to be quiet though – this night is _ours_.

“D-Dean.” He pleads as I tease him and in response I move back up and kiss him slowly. He licks into my mouth and it’s as if he’s tasting himself on my tongue and fuck if it’s not hot.

“Fuck.” I groan when I feel my own dick pressing against my jeans. “Gotta get these off.” I tell him then move off the angel for a couple of seconds to get my pants and boxers completely out of the way.

He pulls me back over to him and reconnects our lips. I shift my hips very slightly to make our dicks rub together resulting in us both groaning.

Without pulling back, I manage to reach into my bedside drawer to pull out a bottle of lube and a condom.

Cas reaches down and moves his hand up and down my cock best he can without it rubbing too much and I have to try my best to keep myself under control.

“Cas.” I whisper, pressing gentle kisses to his neck. “You’re sure you wanna do this?” I stroke his hair back for good measure. I want to know he’s ok.

“Yes. I’m sure. I’m...I’m ready to experience this with you.”

I nod and smile warmly at him, “please, if you want to stop – it doesn’t matter how far along we are with things or what we’re doing – we _can_ ok? You’ll tell me?”

Fine, all of these questions might be killing the atmosphere, but I’m not taking any chances. I _want_ him to be ok. I _want_ him to enjoy this.

Cas nods again and smiles, leaning up and carrying on where we left off.

This is it. We’re actually gonna do this.

“I’m gonna make you feel so good Cas.” I murmur then kiss him back.  I move my hips up so I can rub us together like last time while I undo the cap on the lube and squirt some on my fingers, making sure it spreads everywhere before dropping the bottle and lowering my hand.

Cas looks up at me with his blue eyes, encouraging me that he’s ok. I smile and run my hand through his hair as I press the tip of my finger against his hole.

The angel’s eyes flutter closed as I slip my finger inside slowly, wiggling it around to let him get used to the strange feeling.

After a while of moving in and out, I kiss him sweetly and add another digit carefully, trying to it make as painless as I can. If it hurts him too much? Yeah, game over.

Once I feel like the angel has gotten used to my two fingers, I add a third and start pumping them in and out slowly, stretching him out so he’s loose enough.

He opens his eyes and reaches up, trailing his fingers down my chest then down to my abdomen before taking hold of my dick and jacking me off slowly while I prepare him.

 _He’s so fucking tight_. I whimper at the thought along with the feeling of Cas’ hand moving smoothly over my cock.

Speaking of, he stops moving suddenly and I get prepared to stop but when I see his face, I nearly come _I nearly fucking come_.

His mouth is open, his eyes are closed and his eyebrows are scrunched together in _pure_ bliss. This confirms one thing. I just hit his prostate.

I move my fingers in the same motion a few times and each time I do it he groans or says “oh” from how much pleasure he’s getting.

The angel moans again and shifts underneath me, “D-Dean I-I’m too close, stop.” He says and I chuckle.

“Okay. Ready?” I ask, removing my fingers and rolling the condom over my cock before applying a lot of lube. Still not taking any chances.

“Uh huh.” He replies, reaching up and gripping my back with both his hands.

I gently take hold of his knees, spreading his legs apart a little further then look down for a moment so I can line up and finally start to push the head of my cock inside him. Cas grips my back tight when I move in a little further and I stop for a second to let him adjust.

“You’re so special Cas.” I state quietly as I lean down by his ear. “I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else but you.” I talk to him to distract him from me sliding my dick further in every few seconds, but I still mean _everything_ I’m saying. “I love you _so, so much_ and I’m happy to be sharing this with you. I’m not going anywhere. Ever.” I finish, finding that I am now fully inside the angel and my balls are pressing against his ass.

After waiting for a few more seconds to let him fully adjust to my size, I start moving slowly, kissing him lovingly as I do so.

I can hear his short breaths and just listen for a few moments, genuinely happy to do this with Castiel. My colleague, my friend, my best friend, my boyfriend, my _angel_.

My hand finds its way down again to touch him including running my thumb gently over the head of his cock along with occasionally fondling his balls.

He lets out a pleasured whimper and I swallow it down, sliding my lips along his as I start to move in and out of him at a slightly faster pace.

I move my hand back up from between us and lace my fingers through Cas’ fluffy hair. His eyes are closed as he concentrates on how _good_ he feels. I want him to know that sex is fun and always just _always_ feels undeniably _amazing_.

He reaches up and takes my hand out of his hair so he can interlock fingers with me instead.

When his eyes open, there are tears welling up in them, but he shouldn’t be in pain when I’m still moving pretty slow.

“You alright?” I whisper, squeezing his hand.

“Yeah. Just…it feels _so_ good.” He smiles as some tears rolls down his cheeks.

I’m fully aware that I’ve teased anyone and everyone about crying during sex, but this is different. I can actually _feel_ Cas’ emotional rollercoaster going off the rails with the new sensations. I _understand_ why he’s crying, and it makes me feel warm inside knowing that he’s crying because he’s happy.

“You mean so much to me Cas. I love you more than anything.” I murmur into his ear as another couple of tears leak from his eyes. It must be so overwhelming. He’s discovering that there is a lot more to ‘mating’. Now he knows that it’s called ‘making love’ for a reason. You do it because you _really love_ someone, and you want this to be special.

“I love you too.” He manages to say before moaning when I adjust my angle and hit his prostate again.

I start moving a little bit faster, hitting his sweet spot every time while I focus on the sounds he’s making and my own pleasure of him feeling so tight around my cock.

Cas begins to start arching his back, whimpering and writhing around more and more each time I move inside him. I know he’s getting close, so I speed up some, feeling my own movements start to become a little erratic. Cas keeps moaning and whimpering while I push in and out faster and with more power. It makes the bed creak slightly and Cas balls up some of the sheets in his fist.

I reach down again, touching him until I feel his sac start to tighten.

A few grunts leave my mouth as I kiss Cas’ neck again, making sure I don’t kiss or suck too hard that could create any marks. If I hadn’t have seen exactly what Cas went through a couple of nights ago, I would have probably given him a hickey, but **(1)** If I did, it would remind him of his brother, and **(2)** I’m pretty sure people know he’s fucking _mine_ anyway.

I run my hand up and down his dick at the same time I push in and out, earning a pleasured squeak from the angel. I can feel his muscles tensing around me inside him and he grunts before letting out another moan.

“Dean.” His breaths are becoming more shallow.

I place a few kisses along his jaw. “I’ve got you Cas. Let go baby. Let go.” I internally shrug at the nickname. It felt right.

With one more snap of my hips, Cas goes rigid underneath me. I decide to watch the angel’s face as the tension quickly rises before he screams, “ _Dean!”_ pretty loudly while he comes hard. And when I say hard, I mean _hard_.  He spills all over both our chests, getting it everywhere, and I love it.

While he’s riding out his orgasm, I look up at the lights which flickered on and off for a few seconds when his orgasm was at its peak. I guess that’s where the angel part comes in.

Upon the sight of Cas all messy and sex-shaken, I too feel a tight knot in my gut untying and with a sharp gasp I shoot my load inside Cas into the condom, whispering his name over and over again as I enjoy my equally as powerful orgasm.

We breathe together for a few minutes, not saying anything, just enjoying the after-sex glow that always _comes_ after you, well, _come_.

I slip out of him slowly, leaning down and pressing soft kisses to the angel’s limp dick and he makes a satisfied noise, shifting his hips around a little bit.

 I flop down on the bed next to him.

“How was that?” I ask.

“Phenomenal. I-I’d definitely do it again sometime.”

“I’m definitely up for that.” I reply, smiling closing my eyes.

“Dean.” Cas breathes, his voice sounding quieter this time.

“Yeah bud?” I ask, not opening my eyes. Our fingers are still locked together.

“…I forgive you for the other day. I’m sorry if I overreacted.”

At this, I _do_ open my eyes and stare into his which are already resting on me. “You didn’t overreact Cas. I stepped over the line. I promise it wasn’t your fault. But thank you. I really care about you a lot and seeing that I’d hurt you that much was a real eye-opener for me.”

The angel nods and shifts closer to me, pressing his slightly swollen lips against mine. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I smile into the kiss and comb my fingers through his sweaty hair.

After kissing for a while, Cas pulls back frowning. “I feel sticky.” He whines and I laugh, standing up from the bed and rifling through one of my drawers until I find some wet wipes.

We clean up quick before getting in our pyjamas and in to bed, pulling the covers over the both of us and turning the lights out.

The minute the angel’s head hits my chest, he’s out like a light and I don’t blame him.

Cas is flat on top of me, being his usual limpet self (not that I’m complaining) with his head pushed into my neck. His _super_ sex hair is tickling my face but honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I wrap my arms around _my_ angel and fall asleep listening to his soft snoring.

 _He really is going to be okay this time_.

***

**7:34am**

Cas comes up behind me as I pour some coffee into two mugs. He wraps his arms around my waist making me smile.

Despite being up late last night, we are the first awake and have already showered (together). We’re fully dressed and enjoying each other’s company before the other two get up. It’s making me wonder if it’s possible to love him more than I already do because he manages to do something new every day that _increases_ my love for him.

“You know Cas, I think I have an idea. It might help you with the bathroom thing.”

“I’m listening.” He muses while I take hold of his hand, pressing light kisses to each of his fingertips.

I turn around in his arms so I can face him. “What if” I start, both of us getting our coffees making our way into the main dining room so we can sit down, “every time you go, I take one step back. Eventually I’ll be out of the room and maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel okay with it.”

“That’s not a completely unintelligible idea.” The angel seems to like my suggestion.

“Really?”

“Absolutely. I’m more than willing to try that.”

I smile at him and he mirrors it before we put our coffees down on the table and Cas crawls over and straddles my thighs in the chair. He’s either liking being extra close to me today or he’s horny. I don’t mind which one it is, I’m just happy that we’re both happy.

Cas leans forward and presses his mouth to mine softly, our lips sliding together smoothly as I reach up and card my fingers through his soft, fluffy sex hair. I’ll never get tired of that.

The angel wraps his arms tightly around my neck and I curl my free arm around his back in return.

“I like this.” He whispers through kisses. “I like it a lot.”

“Me too Cas.” I laugh into his mouth and we stay like this for a while, pretty much making out until someone clears their throat behind us.

“Ahem.” Sam coughs not-so-subtly and me and Cas don’t bother to break apart immediately.  “Nice to know you two have made up.” He smirks when we finally pull away from each other and Cas slumps back down in his own chair, both of us out of breath from all of the kissing.

At this point, mom also strolls in, smiling warmly at us before taking a seat next to Sam on the opposite side to me and Cas.

“How did you sleep last night mom?” Sam asks Mary, but there is something about his voice that is making me suspicious.

“Just fine.” She smiles knowingly at him and it takes me a moment to realise that _holy fucking shit_. We were fucking loud last night and _fuck_.

“What about you Dean?” Sam asks and I glare at him, using my best dagger stare.

“Fine.” I mutter firmly. It’ll seem too suspicious if I don’t ask back. Fuck. “You?”

“I’m not sure, really. Pretty certain I heard _foxes_ mating.”

The coffee mug that was originally in my hand drops down on to the table, and I blush a darker shade of red than the sunset me and Cas saw last night.

The warm liquid spills across the table and Cas looks at me seeming extremely confused, my brother’s implication swooping right over his head.

Sam is stifling a laugh, but mom is looking at me like I just made her day. She looks proud, and it makes all of this a little better because she knows that I was able to make up with Cas. She doesn’t seem to care one bit about what she must think she heard us doing last night.

“I’m gonna clean that up.” I decide before scampering out of the room quickly.

***

**11:05pm**

“Are we really going to be the Thunder Hunters?” Cas asks, tucked up in bed next to me tightly. We’re just staring up at the ceiling talking, but even when there is a short period of silence, it is still comfortable.

“You bet.” I smile. My right arm is slung across Cas’ shoulders and he is resting his head on my forearm, using it instead of a pillow. My hand rubs his shoulder comfortingly as we relax under the warm blankets. We haven’t had sex again or anything, we’re just chilling in my bed waiting until we’re tired enough to go to sleep.

“I can’t believe we went so long without being together.” The angel thinks aloud. “It feels like it would be impossible to separate us now we’ve finally come to terms with our feelings.”

“That’s ok, because we’re never separating again.” I tilt my head and peck his cheek.

“I’m glad.” He smiles up to the ceiling and for a brief second, I wonder whether he’s praying his thanks to anyone who made us realise that we belong together.

“I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.” I decide, listening to the faint noises of the trees rustling their leaves outside the bunker.

“I haven’t either, although I did come close when I had an odd obsession with hamburgers while being affected by famine.” He tries to say through a yawn that could be strongly associated with one of a kitten.

I chuckle, pulling the angel closer to me.

“This time, I know everything’s gonna be okay Cas. I can feel it.”

“You really think so?”

“I’m positive. I’m okay, you’re okay, Sammy’s okay, mom’s okay, the world’s okay. This is the part when everything starts looking up. When everything’s going to be really _happy_ and alright.”

“When exactly does the happy start?” The angel asks and nuzzles against my neck. I smile and kiss the top of his hair.

“ _Now_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for reading! <3


	24. Epilogue Part 1 - Heaven in Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guyyyyssss I'm so sorry this took so long. I just started college and my laptop broke and ugh. But yeah, I won't bore you with any more excuses :s
> 
> Also, the epilogue is turning out to be longer than I thought so there is another chapter after this one which is part 2!
> 
> This chapter takes this fic past 100,000 words, I'm happy ahaha
> 
> The whole plot of the epilogue was inspired by 'Heaven in Your Eyes' by Loverboy (as you can see form the title), so maybe you'd like to listen to it by clicking below (I really hope the link works ahaha) v v v 
> 
>  [ here ](https://youtu.be/l_m4XMDKbdg)
> 
> I may have gone overboard with feels but that's what epilogues are for, right? xD 
> 
> Meh, they're all happy so why not :)
> 
> Enjoy :D

**Christmas Eve - 2 Months Later**

**1pm**

**DEAN'S POV**

“Cas!” I hear Charlie shout from the door, excited.

“Hey Charlie.” Cas says back. He went and opened the door for her. We have so many guests coming today. We thought it would be nice to spend Christmas with everyone we’re close with.

I stand up from the couch and walk over to the bottom of the metal stairs. Charlie has enclosed Cas in a hug and they both have huge smiles. “Dean!” She beams when she sees me.

Charlie runs down the stairs, followed by a chuckling Cas. “Heya Charlie. How’s it going?”

“Awesome!” She comes forward and hugs me too. “It’s been so long since I saw you guys!”

“I know. We should get together more often.”

“Charlie glances around, “where’s Sam?” 

“He went to pick Jody and the girls up from the train station. They didn’t want to drive in the snow.”

“Ah, Okay.” She dumps her bags down on the floor by her feet and sighs.

Cas walks over and stands beside me, interlocking our fingers. We do it around people so often now, it’s just a natural thing. Not for Charlie though. 

“Oh my god! Are you guys finally together?!” She smiles, biting her lip like she’s about to explode with joy. 

“Yeah. Couple of months now.” I smile, leaning to the side and planting a kiss to Cas’ temple. 

“Cas, how do you put up with him?” Charlie jokes.

“Trust me, I have no idea.” He chuckles.

“Arghhh the feels are killing me.” Charlie whines happily.

“Feels?” I ask.

“Feelings. Like, you guys are cute already and you’re just holding hands.” She gestures to our interlocked fingers like it’s obvious. “Aw, guys, you have no idea how happy I am that you’re together.” She comes forward and encloses the both of us in another hug.

“Me too.” I mutter and Cas gives me heart eyes from over Charlie’s shoulder. 

I’m pretty sure me and Cas have turned into one of those couples that are just so completely smitten with love, we don’t even know when we’re doing something like looking at each other as if the other person is the whole world. Not that either of us are complaining.

The three of us break away. “Why don’t I show you to your room, Tauriel?” Cas winks at Charlie, knowing she will understand whatever dorky thing he is referencing.

“YES, CAS! I always knew I loved you.” Charlie laughs, “but yeah. Sure. Lead the way, Elrond.” 

Cas chuckles again and lifts Charlie’s bag from the floor so he can carry it for her. 

“Thanks.” She smiles and follows him across the room and into the corridor to the bedrooms.

I can hear her asking questions still, and it brings a wider smile to my face. 

We really should see Charlie more often. She’s such a great, kind, happy person.

I walk over to the table and sit down, just thinking.

Everything is going so well. Cas is doing amazing. His leg is nearly fully healed, so he can get around in his own now easily. Sam is happy too. He’s started seeing another hunter we met on a case called Eileen. She’s awesome and she’s also spending Christmas with us. Mom is still with us. Right now she’s with Sam at the train station waiting for Jody, Claire and Alex. And finally, there’s me and Cas. We simply couldn’t be more in love.

Ever since that day when we got home from Indiana, we’ve been completely honest with each other. Sure, occasionally we disagree on what to have for dinner, but we’re good. Really good. Mentally, Cas is doing great. Sure, he still gets nightmares sometimes, but they’re not as bad as the ones from before. He's going through some kind of healing process too that has lowered his confidence a little bit.

But despite everything, I’m here for him. For forever and always.

Albeit the past couple of months haven’t been easy, but we really are doing good. It’s as if everything has finally fallen into place.

We wanted to celebrate Christmas properly this year, so yeah, we’ve invited our family, because one wise, drunk, gruff, friend once said: family don’t end with blood.

I smile. Speaking of Christmas, I’m not much for giving people gifts, but I wanted to because we don’t usually do it that often.

Cas’ present is the one I’m most nervous about. I don’t want anything to be cheesy, but I just can’t wait any longer to say the things I want to say. Mom is still the only one that knows what I’m giving to him. She helped me.

Cas and Charlie return, shoving each other playfully. They’re best friends already.

I stand up. “I’m gonna make some coffee. You guys want some?” 

“Sounds good.” Charlie nods.

I then look at Cas and he gives me that smile that just makes my heart melt. I press a chaste kiss to his lips. “Yes please.” He says.

Charlie pretends to die silently behind us and Cas laughs. They have the same sense of humour.

I smile and nod, heading to the kitchen. 

While the kettle is boiling, I start to think about things more. Right now, at this point in my life, I feel fulfilled. I have Cas, who is also my boyfriend, I have mom and I have friends and family who couldn’t be closer.

I feel two arms snake around my waist and smile. “Hey Cas.”

“Hey.” The angel replies from behind me, his voice warm and soft.

“You okay?” I ask, turning around to face the most beautiful man I have ever seen.

“Never better.” He leans forwards and presses our lips together gently. 

“It’s great to see Charlie.” I decide when the kiss breaks off. We stay standing close.

“Yeah.” Cas smiles, wrapping arms around me again in a hug this time. 

I close my eyes in content, enjoying the feeling of Cas’ warm body against mine.

“God I love you.” I tell him, hugging him back tightly.

“Likewise.”

I kiss the top of his hair. “Where is Charlie anyway?” 

“She’s trying to tune the television. The weather’s messing with the signal.”

The kettle dings and Cas moves back a little so I can pour the drinks. He leans back against the counter and holds on to the edge. “I’m really looking forward to this holiday.”

“Yeah, me too.” I agree. “Having everyone over will be awesome.”

Cas nods and takes hold of his drink, immediately wrapping his hands around the mug.

“Are your hands cold?” I ask.

“I’m cold all over, really.” The angel shrugs. 

I chuckle and use a suggestive tone, “really? ‘Cause I know a perfect way to warm you up.” 

Cas gives me a playful shove. “Shut up.” He smiles, his face going a little bit red.

I laugh and follow him back into the main room where Charlie is on the floor fiddling with the settings on the TV. I hand her some coffee and she accepts it gratefully.

The front door opens and we suddenly hear a lot of people chatting noisily and happily.

“Hello up there!” I shout.

“Hi Dean!” Jody calls back over all of the chatting. “Hey there Cas.” She smiles, walking down the last couple of steps and enclosing me then the angel in a hug. She kisses his cheek, “how you doing?”

“Much better, thank you.”

“Good.” She smiles then turns to Charlie. “You must be Charlie.”

“Nice to meet you Jody.” She smiles and the two of them hug before starting a conversation.

Claire and Alex come over next. 

Claire tackles Cas with a hug making him laugh while Alex approaches me.

“Hey there, squirt.” I snort. “How’s college.”

“Damn hard. But at least it’s not boring.” She laughs then goes over to meet Charlie.

Mom goes over to Charlie and starts speaking to her.

“Hi Eileen.” I say, smiling at the brunette. Sam has his hand on the small of her back and there is an affectionate smile on his face. 

“Hey Dean.” She smiles back.

 “Sam!” Charlie greets and hugs my brother just like she did with me and Cas. 

“Charlie, this is Eileen. Eileen, this is Charlie.” Sam introduces them to each other and they start speaking to each other with smiles on their faces.

Jody smiles at Sam and stands next to Cas, talking to everyone. “You should see the traffic out there. It’s chaotic. We’re so glad we got the train.

“It’s snowing too.” Claire tells us, shivering.

“We have the heating on, it should warm up soon.” I smile and go over to the pile of bags that were dumped by the foot of the stairs.

Sam follows me and takes Eileen’s bag for her because I’m guessing they’re sleeping in my brother’s room together.

Jody also helps pick up all of the bags and together we walk to the bedrooms, leaving everyone else to mingle.

“So, how’re things going, Dean? You and Cas doing okay?”

“Yeah, we’re great.” I nod. “Things are going really good.” My chest closes up even at the thought of him. I can’t believe how much I love him. It’s insane.

“Aw, that’s good.” She nods, sliding Claire’s bag into one of the bedrooms. 

“Well, I guess sometimes he has a bit of a wobble or he gets kinda down, but he’s ok. He’s doing really well, I’m...well, I’m proud of him.” I decide. “Damn, that sounds so patronising.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I’m sure you are. He wouldn’t mind.” Jody pushes Alex’s bag into another room. “So...Sam has a girlfriend?”

“Yeah, I think so. I’m happy for him. Eileen is really nice too.”

“Yeah, I think she’ll be good for him. Just like you and Cas.”

I smile. “Yeah.”

We reach Jody’s room before making our way back to the others.

“Dean, is the kettle just boiled?” Sam shouts from the kitchen.

“Yeah!” I shout back.

Me and Jody join everyone back in the main room.

“Do you guys not have a Christmas tree?” Claire asks, glancing around in case she missed something.

“Uh, no.” I reply. We didn’t really think about that to be completely honest. “We could get one though, I guess.” 

The words have left my mouth before I can stop them and soon everyone is agreeing with me.

“I’ll go with you.” Cas decides before anyone else can.

“It’s decided then. You guys can go get a tree.” Alex says.

“It’s cold though.”

“Then wear a coat.” Claire snorts.

I give her a challenging look but a laugh finds its way out of my mouth anyway.

“Fine fine fineeeee.” I wave my hand in dismissal and follow Cas to our bedroom.

“Why did I suggest this.” I groan, tugging my boots onto my feet.

“It’ll be good, Dean.”

“If you say so.” I nod, standing up before picking my jacket up and slipping it on. 

Cas has done the same and is now standing up.

“You going to the bathroom before we leave?” I ask, taking his hand in my own.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Ah. Going to the bathroom. This side of Cas’ improvement has been a little slow. It’s just that he’s finding this harder to overcome than anything else. My theory is that there is more than one contributing factor, so it’s taking him more time to get through it. Of course, sometimes it’s okay, sometimes it takes longer. I think it’s partly because Cas has separation issues. You know, not wanting to be alone. Then there’s the fact that he still has a shy bladder. There’s also him still not being able to take his mind off Omandriel attacking him. These problems are only very, very small and faint now at this point, but stacked together? Yeah, they’re a hard wall to climb over at once.

“Okay, come on.” I smile, pulling him out of the room and across the hall to the communal bathroom.

 I stay over by the door while Cas goes over to a urinal and starts to unbutton his pants.

“I’m gonna wait over here.” I tell him and he gives a small nod. We’re still trying to do the step back thing, but I end up stepping forward more than backward.

Cas stands, trying for a while but nothing happens. I take a step closer.

Still nothing. 

I step closer.

Cas starts getting frustrated and I close the distance between us.

“Hey. Come on.” I say softly, wrapping my hand around his forearm. “It takes as long as it takes.” 

Cas relaxes under my touch immediately. “You’re right. It’s just so infuriating.”

“I know.” I lean forwards and kiss his cheek. “Think you can go now?”

“Yeah.” He nods.

I run my hand through his hair and Cas starts to empty his bladder.

“You’re gonna get through this. I know you can.” I kiss his temple and he smiles.

“I love you so much.” Cas tells me.

“Love you more.” I smirk as he zips his pants back up. 

Cas walks over to the sink and washes his hands before walking back over to me and backing me against the wall.

He presses his lips against mine gently and I kiss him back with all the love I have.

Once our small kiss session is over, we say bye to everyone before leaving the bunker and trekking out into the snow in search of a tree that could count as a Christmas tree.

“What do you think of Eileen?” I ask, swinging Cas’ hand in my own.

“Sam’s girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“I like her. She’s strong, independent and intelligent. But she’s still a nice person too.”

“I agree.” I nod. “This is going to be an awesome couple of nights. We’re surrounded by the people we love and care about and it’s never been like this before. Not to mention I have you. Wow...I’ve gone so damn soft.”

“I like it.” Cas laughs and I roll my eyes.

“Well in that case...” I breathe in as if I’m about to gush out a paragraph of sloppy love confessions written by a love-smitten teenager. I laugh instead and so does Cas.

“Yeah, okay. I like the hard you too.”

“That’s what she said.” I snort. Cas likes the hard version of me, huh? I like the hard version of him too...

“She? But I just said that. My body isn’t female.”

“It’s a saying, Cas. It’s something you say when someone’s words can be twisted into something filthy. Bedroom jokes.”

“Oh.” He nods. “So, when I said I like the hard version of you, it could have meant-oh my..DEAN!”

I burst out laughing when the puzzle pieces fit together in his head. “If it makes you feel better, I like the hard version of you too.” I murmur.

Cas’ face flushes a deep red. It’s cute how he’s all shy when we’re not in my bedroom, but once we’re in there he’s like a sex god.

“You love it really.” I laugh again, squeezing his hand. He squeezes back and we carry on walking for a while until we come across the perfect tree.

“This one.” I decide, looking at it up and down.

“Definitely.” Cas agrees before taking the hacksaw out of the bag we brought.

We do eventually get the tree back to the bunker, but a considerable amount of time has passed and me and Cas are exhausted.

We open the bunker door and try to pull the tree in that way.

“Dean, it’s too big. It won’t fit.” Cas tells me from one side of the door.

“Well shove it in then, Cas!” I grumble, pulling the stump of tree as hard as I can.

“It might snap though!”

“We just need to push it once more and it’ll go through.”

We hear Charlie’s voice from downstairs in the main room. “You two idiots realise that what you’re saying can be taken two ways, right?”

“Shut up Charlie.” We shout back in unison and hear her laugh loudly along with a couple of chuckles from the others.

The tree suddenly pops through the door and starts to slip down the steps, pulling Cas with it because his boot is hooked on a branch.

I grab hold of his coat and stop him from falling as the tree continues to slip down the stairs.

Cas breathes heavily. “That was close.” 

I nod and help him up. “Sure was.”

Sam is now at the bottom of the stairs with the tree along with Jody and Claire. The three of them manage to manoeuvre it around and out so me and Cas can get down the rest of the stairs.

Mom comes over to us and looks at us up and down. “You boys okay?” She asks.

“Of course.” I smirk and she rolls her eyes.

“Here. You have pine needles in your hair.” She tells Cas and starts picking the green spikes out of Cas’ thick tufts of hair.

“Thank you Mary.”

Once all of the needles are out, Cas slips his coat and boots off in the middle of the floor before going over to the couches we brought in to sit with Charlie, Eileen and Alex.

I smile and shake my head, picking Cas’ stuff up with the intention of taking it to our room.

“Does he always do that?” Mom asks.

“Nah, not really. When he does though, he barely knows he’s doing it so it’s kinda funny. I guess it’s like living with a teenager.”

I smile again fondly and take Cas’ stuff to our room before going back and joining everyone on the couches.

Cas is slouched in one of the couches, his head tucked up against the armrest while he sleeps quietly.

One thing I have learned about mostly human Cas is that he likes sleeping. Loves sleeping. He also falls asleep very, very easily.

Honestly, I think he’s still recovering from what happened. His leg, as I said, isn’t completely healed, so he really does get tired easily, even though it’s been a few months since all of that crap happened.

It’s warm in here too, so I don’t blame him for conking out after that forest trek we just did.

I slump down next to him and snake my arm around his shoulders, gently pulling him over so his head is now resting in the crook of my neck. I kiss the top of his hair and he snuggles closer.

Charlie is watching us and is trying so hard not to freak out in a “fit of cuteness”.

I roll my eyes, a smile ghosting my lips.

“What’ve you been up to anyway, Charlie?”

“Meh. Bit of this, bit of that. I’ve had my eyes open for cases but nothing’s been around my area for a while. I also got a job at a comic book shop which is awesome.”

“Nice. What about you Eileen? Got anything interesting going on?” I smile, gripping Cas’ shoulder when he moves a little in his sleep.

“Just some smaller cases. Well, that and making sure Sam doesn’t get turned into a vampire.”

I laugh at her remark. She really is awesome. My brother is very lucky.

Mom comes over and sits down next to me, looking at Cas.

“Somebody’s tired.” She says.

I nod and look down at Cas, smiling adoringly at my boyfriend. “Seems that way.”

Sam, Jody and Claire bring the tree through. It's now in some kind of bucket full of soil to keep it upright.

“Couldn’t you guys have picked a smaller one?” Jody grunts, shifting the tree further across the floor.

“It was a good idea at the time.” I shrug, starting to stand up so I can go find some decorations.

I remove my arm from around Cas and stand up, gripping his shoulders so I can guide him back into the cushions.

After I make sure he’s positioned comfortably, I make my way to the storage rooms to find the decorations we bought the other day.

As soon as it is quiet, my mind begins to wander. 

I know that Cas might seem a little different to everyone than when they last saw him. Including Claire, Jody and Alex.

The thing is, Cas has been adjusting to human life. I’ve thought about this a thousand times, and I think he’s different because he recognises he’s more vulnerable now.

Of course, he has that special grace, but it still makes him susceptible to human harm. He’s much more cautious and quiet and, well, childish?

It’s hard to explain, but I think the best way is recognising that Cas is reacting to mortal life like a child would. That includes leaving his stuff in the middle of the floor.

The more I think about it, the weirder it gets, because Cas is still a grown man inside and out. It’s just the little things he does that catch my attention.

Sam knows what I mean. We talked about it once with mom when Cas was outside.

She thinks it’s just a process of healing, and I believe her. I know Cas’ healing was going fine, it still is, but he’s going through a stage where he’s mentally moulding into life as a human.

As weird as it may sound, that’s what we believe is going on. Whether people will understand it or not, that is what I’m sure is happening.

We’re not patronising him, it’s nothing like that. It’s just small alterations in behaviour that we just roll with. We treat Cas exactly the same, and I can tell it is definitely helping him mentally get used to this.

Yeah, none of this behaviour stuff was going on when all of this first happened, but like I said, we think it’s part of the healing process.

But, you know something? I still fucking love him more than anything. Cas is the love of my life and I’m not bothered if he doesn’t go back to his old self that is completely confident. I’m not asking for him to go back to normal, because I did love him, still love him and will always love him because he’s Cas. As long as he’s happy and comfortable, so am I. 

I sigh and realise that I have already retrieved the box and am making my way back to the main room.

I really do go deep in my head sometimes.

When I get back, everyone is chatting and laughing. 

This is what we have been missing every year. Every year!

“Ok, so we got a bunch of decorations in here.” I shrug, dumping the box down on the floor and making all of the baubles clink around in their packets.

“Did you guys buy these?” Alex asks, peering inside the box.

“Yeah. It was boring.”

“Apart from when you were laughing at the angel decorations.” Sam points out, snorting amusedly.

“Why were you laughing at the angel decorations?” Eileen asks us.

“Because” I start, reaching into the box to pull out a long strip of tinsel, “they had harps and golden halos, and if only everyone knew that in reality they were all fighting each other with added sticks up their asses.”

“Well, apart from this one.” Jody laughs fondly, gesturing to Cas.

Everyone chuckles which makes Cas stir and open his eyes tiredly. “W-what?” He asks, rubbing his eyes.

“It’s okay; we were just saying how you don’t have a stick up your ass.” I clarify, smiling.

Cas frowns, but there the corners of his mouth are tilted up. “I sure hope not. That would hurt.”

I laugh and shake my head, watching Cas stand up and also reach down into the box to grab another piece of tinsel.

I hold it up to his face and he flinches away from it. “What?” I laugh.

“Don’t, it tickles my neck.”  He whines when I wrap it around him like a scarf.

Claire gets up and stands next to me and Cas who is chuckling quietly because of the tinsel.

“You two are such dorks.” She rolls her eyes and reaches down into the box to get the lights.

“Correction. Dean’s a ‘dork’.” Cas chuckles, trying to shove his piece of tinsel down my shirt.

“Fine. Dean’s a dork, you’re a doof.” She laughs at us and starts wrapping the light around the tree with Sam’s help.

“She has a point, y’know.” Charlie agrees, standing up as well.

“Shall I put some music on?” Mom asks.

“Hell yeah.” I reply through a mouthful of tinsel that Cas has managed to push in. I lick his hand that is stopping me from spitting it out.

“If you think that that’s going to make me move my hand, you’re wrong.” He snorts, trying to suppress a laugh.

I squint at him mischievously and reach forward to grab at his chest.

“Ah!” He yelps before bursting out into laughter.

It’s been enough time for me now to know every single one of his ticklish spots.

Cas moves his hand so I spit the tinsel out and then grab hold of him before he falls over from laughing so much.

I lean down and press a chaste kiss to his lips before Charlie speaks up.

“I’m pretty sure that if decorating the tree was left down to you two, it would take a whole day.”

“You’re probably right.” I smile, letting go of Cas so we can both finally start to decorate the tree with everyone else.

A Christmas classic starts playing from the speaker Sam has and it finally starts to get me into a _really_ Christmassy mood.

We bought a lot of decorations because we had no idea how many we’d need. It’s been a long time since me and Sam got a Christmas tree.

Throughout the decorating process, I keep getting distracted because when Cas reaches up to put a bauble on a high branch, his shirt and his fleece sweater ride up. So, every time he does that, I get a view of his sharp hipbones and the small trail of hair that starts at his lower stomach then disappears beneath the waistband of his pants.

The best thing is, is that nobody else notices. Not even Cas himself.

I shake my head and return to hanging stuff on the branches, smiling because I also have the hottest boyfriend ever.

***

**7pm**

Elf plays in the background as we eat.

We decided on a buffet thing, because we have no idea what everyone does and doesn’t like.

Cas comes over and sits down next to me, a plate of food now balancing on his knees and a beer in his hand.

Everyone is sitting in the main room now on all of the couches, apart from Sam who is in the kitchen getting himself and Eileen another round of beers.

I am on the far end of the couch and Cas is in the middle. Eileen is on the other end.

When Sam comes back in, we do find that there Is nowhere else to sit down. And, of course, Sam would want to sit next to Eileen.

“There isn’t enough room. Maybe if I-“ I start, but Cas cuts me off.

“It’s fine.” My boyfriend decides. “I’ll sit here.” Cas says before shifting over and sitting in my lap. Luckily my plate is resting on the arm of the couch so my food is safe.

“Oof.” I smile and shake my head, wrapping my arms around Cas’ waist and pulling him closer against my chest. He rests back, still munching on his food. “God you’re such a kid.” I joke.

“I know.” He smirks.

Sam smiles in thanks and sits down in the middle of the couch before putting his arm over Eileen’s shoulders.

I lean forwards so I can whisper in Cas’ ear, “everything okay?”

He nods and gives me a small smile, “yeah. Everything’s fine.”

I peck him on the lips before the both of us continue with our food.

Everyone watches Elf until the movie finishes, and by then, we’re a few beers in and just a little tipsy. Especially Cas, but he’s a lightweight so he’s kind of drunk.

This is how we find ourselves egging him on to go on the karaoke machine next. I think Jody brought it – no idea why (maybe she thought it would be funny?) – but _hell_ am I glad she did because it gives me a chance to actually watch Cas, yes _Cas_ , sing a fucking karaoke song.

“I don’t know songs.” He protests, draining the last of his third beer.

“What about this one?” Sam laughs, playing the start of ‘Don’t you Want Me’ by The Human League.

“Yeah, I know that one…somehow…unfortunately.”

“Are you gonna do it?” I ask the man who is still sitting on me.

He shrugs and shifts off me, “why not.”

“Go Cas!” Claire chuckles, handing the angel the microphone.

Sam starts the song, and before long we are all cracking up majorly (including Cas who is still trying to sing the song properly) because he switches up the words by accident.

“I was working as a cocktail in a waitress bar, when I met you.” He winks at me and another huge laugh escapes my mouth. Further into the song when the chorus comes on, Cas completely focuses his attention on me. “Don’t you want me baby? Don’t you want me oooohh?”

Tears start forming in the corners of my eyes from laughing so hard, and that’s probably happening to everyone else too from what I can hear.

After the first chorus, Charlie, who is also slightly tipsy, joins Cas and sings the other part.

They’re like a drunk power couple, and I just can’t stop laughing at all.

They dance a little too, and it is honestly the best thing I have ever seen.

Best day ever.

When the song finishes (all too soon in my opinion - this is the best entertainment I’ve ever had…ever), Cas stretches his arm that is holding the microphone out to the side and drops it dramatically as if he's saying _boom, that shit just happened_.

Everyone woops for Cas and Charlie.

Cas looks especially proud of himself, giving a huge gummy smile. I can tell he enjoyed that, but he’s probably going to be hilariously embarrassed in the morning.

Charlie flops back down on the couch, but Cas sways a little due to his drunkenness and mom gets up to support him quicker than I can.

“I think you should go to bed, hun.” She smiles as I stand up.

“Yeah,” *hic* “that’s probably for the best.” Cas agrees.

I shake my head, still smiling and sling Cas’ arm over my shoulder. “Ok, come on rockstar.”

“No, I am an angel of the lord.” He smirks clumsily and I roll my eyes.

“Yes you are.” I turn around to everyone. It is verging on midnight already anyway. “See you in the morning, guys.”

We all say goodnight before me and Cas go get our pjs on and ready for bed.

“That was fun.” He decides, leaning on me as he relieves himself in the bathroom.

I snort, “ _you can say that again_.”

“That was fun.”

I roll my eyes and frown in amused disbelief, “you done yet?”

“Noooope.” He replies.

“Remember when I said that you could piss for America? Well, you really can. I bet it’s all that beer.”

“Whatever.” He snorts before finally finishing and pulling the front of his pyjama pants back up.

Cas washes his hands then we brush our teeth.

When we are finally comfy in bed, I pull Cas close to me like usual, appreciating the warmth radiating from his body on this cold night.

He is lying down under the covers quietly just like me before I whisper “I love you.” In his ear.

“Love you too.” He mumbles, pushing his head into my neck where it’s warm.

We fall asleep in each other’s embrace, listening to our breathing and heartbeats.

This day could not have gone better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how Cas drops the microphone lol :
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Part 2 is coming soon (I promise this time)
> 
> ;)


	25. Epilogue Part 2 - Heaven in Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter :o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has finally ended and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a little disappointed :/
> 
> I really hope you (yes, you) enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I want to thank you all for the awesome comments along the way (including the constructive criticism :P).
> 
> I decided to go for a cheesy ending because why not, so expect feels. A lot of feels.
> 
> Also, the song that I posted a link to in the last chapter is playing while all of the feels are going on. It chokes me up every time I listen to it when I think of Cas and Dean, so yeah, if you want to listen to it, there should be a link righttttt hereeeeeee:
> 
>  [ LINK ](https://youtu.be/l_m4XMDKbdg)
> 
> I've been working on a Destiel high school fic too, so keep your eyes open for that (it's already at 70,000 words and I'm barely past half way through, lord help me lol).
> 
> So yeah, I hope you enjoy this last chapter.
> 
> See ya round, guys :D

**3:43am**

I am woken in the early hours of the morning because of Cas fidgeting in his sleep.

Another nightmare so it would seem.

He’s breathing heavily and squirming everywhere, added to the occasional whimper that escapes his mouth.

He’s frowning and something is obviously haunting his sleep.

This happens every so often. These nightmares are never as bad as the ones he had before, but they still need addressing.

We all knew that the aftermath of this wouldn’t just disappear and be replaced with sunshine and rainbows.

The nightmares aren’t even usually about what happened to him. They’re just...there.

I prop myself up on my elbow next to his shaking frame and place my free hand on his cheek, caressing it with my thumb.

“Sshh, it’s okay. I’m right here.” I whisper, watching my small gesture of comfort begin to stop the shaking and fidgeting of the man next to me.

He’s still asleep of course, but I’ve worked out a good way of calming him down without having to wake him up.

Another small whimper escapes his lips and I move my hand up into his hair.

“I know. I know.” I mutter quietly, watching the fidgeting slowly stop.

Cas is still frowning, so I carry on stroking his hair until his eyebrows straighten out and he looks peaceful again, his unmoving, relaxed form showing me that the nightmare has been successfully passed.

I slide back down under the covers and pull Cas into my arms.

Cas is improving still. He’s getting there.

I grip the angel tighter and close my eyes with a warm smile.

***

**7:34am**

As I begin to stir, I feel Cas starting to wake up next to me too. 

He groans and I open one eyelid to look at him.

“Hungover?” I chuckle quietly.

“A little.” He reaches up and rubs his eyes before resting his head back down on my chest.

“You remember last night?”

“Unfortunately yes.” He whines. “I don’t like karaoke anymore...or beer.”

“Well, just so you know, I _do_ want you baby.” I tease.

“Please don’t remind me any more.” Cas mumbles into my t-shirt. 

I smile and shake my head then lean in close to plant a kiss on his temple. “Everything okay, then?”

“Yeah...did I wake you up from a nightmare last night? I woke you up, didn’t I.”

“Yeah. Was it bad?”

“Nah. Actually, it was different that time...it...it was about...” Cas mumbles the end of the sentence, embarrassed for some reason.

“What was that?” I smirk.

“Stheangr tfhindhs.”

“What?”

“Stranger things!!”

“You had a nightmare about Stranger Things?” I laugh.

“Kind of.” He mutters, swatting my arm playfully. “It’s not funny! The episode we watched was...unsettling.”

“Seriously? _You_? _You’re_ scared of Stranger Things? Oh my god, Cas.” I continue to laugh.

Cas chuckles softly, “whatever.”

“So...do you not like horror stuff? ‘Cause you’re kind of an angel of the lord, and you’re the last person I’d expect to be fucking scared of a stupid-ass shadow monster.”

“Once again, shut up please.” 

I laugh a little more and nod. “Okay, okay.”

“Thank you.”

I lean down and peck him on the lips. “Anyway,” I wrap my arm around my warm boyfriend, “good morning, sweetheart.”

“Sap.”

“Oh, are you mad at me now?” I snort.

“I want to be, but I can’t because (A) it’s Christmas and (B) I love you too much.”

“Aw Cas.” I smirk and he rolls his eyes. “Sasstiel.” 

Cas glares at me until I reach up to his side and jam my fingers into his skin, tickling him.

He yelps and shifts off me quickly, now lying on his back on the mattress laughing his ass off.

I stop tickling him and climb on top of him, pulling him in for a kiss.

Cas runs his hands up and down my sides gently before taking me by surprise and flipping us over.

“Feeling like a top today, huh?” I whisper through kisses.

Cas pulls back a little and looks at me sheepishly. “Maybe.”

I start to lean back in, but Cas places his hand against my chest gently, “later. We have guests.”

“We can make it quick.” I smile.

“I want to shower.” 

“Okayyyy.” I peck him on the lips.

“I love you, Dean.”

“Love you too.” I smile, “now go! Get in the shower before Sam beats you to it cause he takes forever to put all that conditioner shit in his hair.”

Cas chuckles and picks up a towel from our dresser before leaving the room.

I sigh and climb out of bed, slipping my pyjamas off and getting into some jeans, a red flannel and a black shirt.

When I get out of the bedroom, I go into one of the smaller bathrooms to adjust my hair, brush my teeth and get ready for the day.

I can hear voices coming from the kitchen so I make my way there, noting that around half of us are awake at the minute. 

Mom, Charlie and Alex are in here, chatting happily.

“Here he is!” Mom smiles.

“Here I am.” I smirk, holding my arms up as if I’m presenting myself.

“We were just talking about what we got Cas for later.”

“And that is?”

Alex drags a plastic bag towards her and pulls out a bunch of DVD boxes that have been tied together with parcel string.

“Every documentary on bees and insects we could find.”

A smile immediately pulls across my face and I laugh in amazement, taking the boxes from Alex carefully.

“Oh my god. He’s going to love this.”

“I’m glad.”

“He didn’t want us to make a fuss of him but this is just awesome. I’m so looking forward to making a fuss of him.” I shake my head, still smiling. “Cas has something for you guys too, but I have no idea what it is.”

“I can’t wait.” Alex smiles, taking the DVDs back and putting them into the bag.

“Me neither. I can’t wait to see his face.”

I smile and shake my head. “You guys hungry?”

“I had potato chips for breakfast.” Charlie laughs.

“And why is that?” I ask, starting to make coffee.

“One does not simply have proper breakfast on Christmas Day.” Charlie clarifies.

Alex laughs “Boromir, right?”

Charlie nods enthusiastically, “totally yeah!” 

The two of them high five and I excuse myself to go and get some fancy cutlery that we found that would be good for when we eat food today.

I look down at my feet for a moment and nearly bump into Eileen who has just left her and Sam’s room.

“Oh, hi Dean.” She smiles.

“Morning.” I smile. “Mom, Charlie and Alex are in the kitchen getting some coffee if you wanted a drink.”

“Thank you.” 

I begin to walk away, but Eileen speaks again.

“Oh, Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Castiel was looking for you.”

“Is he ok?” I ask.

“Yeah, he seemed fine. I think he’s in your room.”

“Thanks Eileen.” I smile again and take a detour to me and Cas’ room.

The door is closed, so I knock a couple of times. “You decent, Cas?” I ask, even though I’ve seen everything like a thousand times before.

“Come in, Dean.” His voice comes from the other side of the door.

I push the door open and Cas immediately starts speaking. “I wanted your opinion on my clothes.” He asks, turning around to face me instead of the mirror.

I actually gape at him. He’s wearing a burgundy long-sleeved button up that is tucked into the black slacks he is wearing. He has black, polished shoes on and his hair is quiffed up like it used to be (the ultimate sex hair). His toned muscles ripple through the perfectly fitted shirt and Cas’ body just looks incredible.

“I don’t know whether this is acceptable or not-“

“Cas,” I start, finding that I am suddenly a little breathless, “you look fucking amazing.”

He blushes and I get closer to him, noting that he is also wearing a little aftershave even though his usual level of stubble remains.

I look him up and down again and he smiles, “I’m guessing this is ok then?”

“It’s perfect.” I smile, pulling the angel into a hug. “So perfect.”

“You look good too.”

“I look the same as I always do.” I chuckle.

“You always look good.”

“Likewise.”

We let go of each other and Cas shakes his head, a shy smile still ghosting his lips.

“Wanna help me with getting that fancy table stuff?”

“Yeah, sure.” He nods and follows me out of the room then walks beside me when we make our way down the corridor.

“Before your shower, did you manage to...you know?” I ask.

“Yes. It took me a while, but yes. I was able to urinate sufficiently today.”

Looks like today is one of Cas’ good days.

I roll my eyes, “you could just say ‘piss’ you know. You don’t have to use the scientific term for everything.”

Cas shrugs, “I like to be accurate.”

I nod and lock my fingers with his as we walk, “but yeah, that’s awesome Cas. See, all the stuff we’ve been trying for the last couple of months is working.”

“Absolutely.” He smiles and I smile back.

We reach the storage room and collect a box of plates/cutlery each.

Everything clinks around as we walk back to the kitchen, but luckily nothing breaks. At least, I _think_ it doesn’t.

I go through the kitchen door first and everyone notices the love struck smile that is still plastered on my face from seeing Cas all fancied up.

“What’s got you all smiley?” Claire asks.

“Cas.” Jody decides when she sees the angel walk in after me. 

I nod to agree with Jody and Cas blushes again. He deserves all of this attention. He just looks so fucking amazing. 

I’m going to have to resist tearing those clothes right off him all day.

“All of you look really great too.” Cas smiles.

Cas gets a few thank yous from around the room.

“Does anyone else want a drink?” Mom asks.

“I will.” Sam announces, strolling into the room wearing one of his less scruffy shirts.

Me and Cas put the boxes down on the counter and lean against it like everyone else.

I reach around Cas and place my hand on the small of his back, liking how I can feel his warm body through his thin shirt.

“Everyone sleep well last night?” Sam asks.

There is a series of yeses that sound around the room, and I nudge Cas playfully, snickering.

“Shut up.” He nudges me back, but there is still a smile pulling at his lips.

***

A ball of snow hits my face, breaking and sending pieces of snow flying everywhere.

I look over at Cas who is nearly on the floor laughing.

“Oh, hell are you going to pay for that!” I laugh.

I lean down and make another snowball.

Throwing it at Cas, it hits the top of his head and the snow gets all stuck in his hair.

He glares at me and I laugh at him, but I’m not laughing for long because Charlie launches one at me and it hits me in the balls.

“Oh god.” I double over, but am still laughing for some reason.

Charlie just laughs and goes to hit Cas while dodging snowballs from everyone else.

One might say we all found ourselves in one big snowball fight. It’s being taken very seriously too. 

Well, me and Cas aren’t taking it seriously.

We’re just trying to hit each other in the face.

Jody is over by mom and Claire, Alex is with Charlie, and Eileen is with Sam.

Me and Cas are supposed to be together too but we’ve apparently decided that it’s funnier to go it alone.

I make another snowball and throw it at Sam. It hits his stomach and he gives me a bitch face.

At this moment, another snowball is thrown at him, smashing into his face.

He splutters and I look over at Cas who is having the time of his life which is apparently hitting me and my brother in the face with snowballs.

Sam throws one back at him and it is so forceful, it actually knocks Cas over on the slippery ground, but he’s still laughing his ass off on the floor.

I smile and go over to him, but he grabs my ankle causing me to fall on top of him.

I laugh and he pulls me in for a kiss.

We kiss for a few moments until another snowball comes flying over to us and hits the both of us in the face.

“Got you, boys!” Mom calls at us, laughing.

“Two birds with one stone, hell yeah!” Charlie laughs too and me and Cas finally start working together.

My boyfriend crouches down behind the wall of snow we built so one can see before his eyes shine a bright blue along with his hand.

A bunch of snow from around us turns into a pile of balls and Cas snickers, smirking at me.

“Let’s get ‘em.” I laugh.

God, I love him.

Me and Cas rise from our wall and start throwing snowball after snowball (because, of course, we’re all stocked up) until everyone is temporarily disabled.

We laugh like teenagers and hide behind our wall again.

Since we’re both crouching down, I sit down before shoving Cas so he falls into my lap with a yelp. 

I laugh at his face and he rolls his eyes, leaning forward and kissing me passionately.

I slowly lie down and start to get warmer because of where I think this is going.

Cas threads his fingers through my hair and I smirk into the kiss when he presses himself against me more.

I reach down between us and feel that Cas is achingly hard already. I’m not far behind.

“Now?” I gasp through the hungry kisses.

“Now.” He agrees, and we move away from each other, crawling into the trees so no one sees or knows that we’ve gone.

As soon as I see it, I bolt for the door and so does Cas.

His cheeks are rosy from the cold, but I’m sure he’s all warm inside like me.

We close the bunker door quietly and go down the metal steps quickly before finally getting into my bedroom, closing and locking my door.

I start pulling Cas’ coat off while he toes off his shoes and he does the same for me.

We find each other’s lips, and I moan when Cas speaks “you have no idea what I want to do to you.”

“You’re so horny today.” I say, unbuckling his belt as fast as my cold fingers will go.

He pops open the buttons on my jeans and as soon as we both are stripped down to our boxers, we move to the bed.

Cas smiles and climbs on top of me, pulling me in for a much more gentle kiss.

***

Me and Cas step out of the shower together. 

I wrap a towel around my bottom half and so does Cas.

We may have tried to go for a round two in the shower, but we decided that we couldn’t be bothered and ended up sucking each other off.

Was that TMI?

“I need to brush my teeth or the others will know exactly what we’ve been doing.” I laugh and Cas nods to agree.

Soon, we are in dry and comfortable clothes and are all fucked out, but our friends don’t need to know that. It’s our little secret.

Everyone is sitting around the tree with full stomachs and hot drinks, and it is nearly time to give Cas my gift. I’m a little nervous, but I know that everything will be fine.

Everyone has given gifts to each other. It’s just me left.

I don’t think that holidays are about receiving. They’re about giving, and that’s what I aim to do.

I have my arm around the love of my life, and that’s all I can really ask for. 

I’m happy, he’s happy, we’re happy.

Life is good.

We have the radio playing quietly, and it’s playing fairly old music. It’s music that isn’t trashy though. It’s just...nice.

Me and Cas have a blanket around our shoulders, and I stare at him while everyone is laughing and joking.

Just his smile makes me smile. He’s the most amazing human and angel I’ve ever been lucky enough to know, and I want to show him.

“Cas.” I say and he looks at me, his eyes full of pure happiness. Although, there is an affectionate look reserved there just for me.

“Yeah, Dean?” He asks, not knowing that I have something for him.

“Uhm...” I smile shyly, hoping that he likes what I have “happy Christmas.”

I hand him the small, wrapped up rectangular box and he looks down at it in his hands.

His smile falls, but I can still see the happiness in his eyes.

“I have something for you too.” He says before standing up and going over to Jody.

She reaches into a gift bag and hands him a square-shaped package. It’s about the same size as the angel/demon tablet.

Jody smiles reassuringly at him, and I realise that everyone is now watching us, wondering what in the hell we got each other.

No pressure, Dean.

Cas comes back over and sits back down on the couch next to me.

He hands the package over to me and I look at it on both sides, chuckling softly. 

It’s pretty badly wrapped. There are sticky bits of tape everywhere and the paper is scrunched and ripped in places.

“I tried.” Cas blushes, smiling down into his lap shyly.

“I love it already.” I smile, leaning over and giving him a quick kiss. We’re so loved up and I don’t even care.

“You wanna go first orrr?” I ask, Still nervous, but less nervous than before because I’m sure that Cas will love it.

“Please.” Cas gestures to me, smiling.

I nod and tear away the paper best I can without getting pieces of tape stuck to my fingers.

Charlie, who is sitting on the other side of me, holds on to the paper for me when I have torn it away.

I am now holding a leather-cased book thing, and when I open it, I smile, a gasp leaving my mouth.

It’s the photo Sam took of me and Cas kissing at the ice rink.

It’s a photo album. Cas got me a photo album.

I turn the page and smile widely, a lump forming in my throat already. 

This one is the selfie that Alex took at the ice rink.

Cas leans over and rests his head on my shoulder so he can get a better look at the photos.

Smiling and laughing, I now look over at the photo of Cas holding the fish he caught. His face. His horrified face is the best thing in the entire photo.

“How long did this take?” I say through a quiet laugh at a string of photos that I took of Sam when he fell over at the ice rink.

“A couple of weeks. We had to get all of the photos together.” Cas replies.

“We?”

“Jody helped me.” He says, and Jody smiles at me when I look over at her.

I smile back before looking down at the photos again, turning another page.

I get to the end after a few more minutes of looking, feeling like the slightest thing could make me cry with happiness.

I really have gone soft, and I’m not even sorry.

“Cas.” I start, but realise that I am speechless. 

He smiles warmly at me, his azure eyes filled with joy and love.

“I-I love it.” I tell him, reaching around him and hugging him so tight I start to worry that he can’t breathe.

He hugs back and whispers “I love you” against my ear, knowing that no one else can hear.

We pull back from each other reluctantly and I close the photo album, knowing that I’m going to look through it over and over again later.

Cas looks into my eyes for a little longer before looking down at the neatly wrapped rectangular box in his hands.

I snake my arm across his shoulders and place my lips against his clothed shoulder lightly, showing that I want him to open it.

The paper is blue, nearly the exact same colour as his eyes, but it is nowhere near as beautiful.

Cas’ slender fingers work at the edges until the corners come undone and he can tear it.

Once the paper is off, he holds it, not quite sure what to do with it before I take it off him and dump it on the floor by my feet.

He is now holding a black box that has ‘HOME’ printed gracefully on the front.

Cas hesitates when he sees it, looking up at me. I nod in reassurance and he finally opens the box.

It reveals a necklace.

But it’s not just any necklace. 

It’s a location necklace.

It is made of silver and some items that only witches have access to.

The metal is shaped into a beautiful, simple yet complex shape, and it has the letter ‘D’ engraved on it in a fancy font.

Here goes.

“Cas, I know that these past few years have been hard for you. So hard that a few months ago, everything just fell apart. I just...I just wanted to tell you how happy and proud of you I am because you got through it. You always inspire me to always keep fighting, and I just want you to know that you are never alone.” 

I feel tears build up in my eyes, but I don’t care. This moment is precious.

I pull my own necklace out from under my shirt so he can see. 

It is exactly the same apart from the fact that mine has a ‘C’ engraved on it.

“You wear it, and if you hold it in your palm then close your fingers around it, it will show you where I am. Anywhere, anytime.”

Cas’ eyes are full of tears and his bottom lip is trembling.

I reach over to the box and pick up Cas’ necklace, unclipping the back of it before reaching around his neck and clipping it back up.

“This way, I will always be with you and you will be with me. You never have to be on your own ever again, and I just need you to know that,” I have to pause for a moment, the emotion making my voice crack, “I need you to know that I love you so fucking much, and I am never ever leaving again. You mean the world to me, and I’m always going to be there for you. I’m always going to care about you, and I’m always going to love you so much it hurts.” 

Cas sobs, tears falling freely from his eyes and I reach around him and enclose him in a hug, both of us completely raw with love and emotion.

There is a moment of silence, and all that can be heard is the song on the radio.

_I can tell by the look in your eyes_

_You've been hurting_

_You know I'll never let you down oh, no_

_And I'll try anything to keep it working_

_You gave me time to find out_

_What my heart was looking for_

_And what I'm feeling inside_

_In your eyes_

_I want to see your love again_

_In your eyes_

_I never want this feeling to end_

_It took some time to find the light_

_But now I realize_

_I can see the heaven in your eyes_

The song, it fits perfectly with mine and Cas’ story. It fits.

“I love you too.” He cries, and when I look around, it seems as though everyone has teared up a little.

I smile through my tears and run my hand through his hair, feeling fulfilled.

The extent of love I feel for him scares me, but that’s what makes it beautiful and real. 

“Thank you.” He whispers against my ear, and when I pull back, I see that he is still crying.

He looks so happy. 

I lean forward and hold his face gently with both of my hands. 

Our lips meet, both of us still crying. Cas bunches my shirt up into his hands and pulls me closer.

My mouth moves against his perfectly, and I can not explain just how happy I am.

We pull back, but stay close for a moment, our foreheads touching.

“I love you. So much.” I whisper.

“I love you too.” Cas whispers back, opening his eyes and looking into mine like that’s all he’ll ever want to do.

We share a watery smile and settle down on the couch, comfortably tucked up against each other in a hug while everyone starts to move around us, returning to laughing and joking while me and Cas have our moment.

We’re in our own world, and nothing else seems to matter anymore.

We’re happy.

I feel like I can breathe. I can see the future. With Cas, of course.

We’re going to be together like this for as long as possible, hopefully when we’re even wrinkled and grey.

Sure, we’re going to have our ups and downs, but that’s part of life.

Cas is still improving and will have his moments and so will I, but I reckon we’ll get by.

If there’s one thing that this journey with Cas has taught me, it is that you should never feel like you’re on your own.

There is always someone out there that cares, even if you’ve never even met them. 

Or maybe you have.

The chance to fight for happiness is within everyone’s reach. Sometimes you just have to see it.

No one should ever give up, just like Cas never has.

Nobody’s perfect, so there will be setbacks, but climbing that mountain of doubt and defeat doesn’t have to be done alone.

 Help is a magical thing, and Cas finally admitted that he needed it, which was hard for him, but look where it got him. I couldn’t be more proud, and he couldn’t be more happy.

Overcoming bad things is no easy task, but maybe bad things are sometimes good, because you realise just how precious a small smile or a laugh is.

Life gets ahead of us all at some point, but if you climb your own mountain, no matter what it’s there for, it pays you positively.

Cas has reminded me that I should fight for what I believe in, and I will always look back at my day and think...yeah, that was a good day.

Value the past. Value the present. Value the future.

Always keep fighting.

Not matter what.


End file.
